What should I do? Brutal honesty needed

Men! Stop trying to think for her. She can think on her own. If you keep offering her "outs", she's going to think you want her "out". Leave it alone. Be good to her, she loves you, and she strong. If she wasn't, she wouldn't have become involved with you from the beginning.

And stop all the defeatist attitude! Last time I checked, none of us know what the future will bring.

Take care and stay positive. My best.

Wrote/rewrote/rewrote. . .

Quiet nobility is nice, but at the end of the day we are all only human.

Follow your heart.

a reply to: woodwardjnr

I'm sorry to hear about your tumor and everything, man. That is rough.
She's an adult and I would guess she knows what she's getting into. Like tothetenthpower said, it's best to be open and honest with her. Also, I would let her back out if she wants. If she stays to the end it might give her some form of closure. Just my advice.

originally posted by: woodwardjnr
ok this is a tough one. I've been in a relationship for the past 6 months it's with one of my nurses from the rehab hospital I was recovering at. When I left the hospital we said we would stay in touch which have via facebook chat. She came to stay with me for a few days in early December then spent Xmas with me. Since then we have been seeing each other when we can. We get on great and are always laughing and generally enjoying the same things. We both told each other we loved each other, quite early on in the relationship. The problem is I have a terminal brain tumour and still recovering from a stroke( I wouldn't want a girlfriend in my condition no matter how well we got on or how attractive she was.

Let's call her Ann for arguments sake. Ann said at first she didn't care and from that point on we got into quite a heavy relationship. I've been enjoying it a lot, especially all the sex and stuff, that I've missed out on for a while. However. Just after Xmas I found out my Tumor had come back and I needed more surgery. I had the surgery about 3 months ago in February.

The week before, Ann phoned up crying saying she didn't think she could handle it all and thought we should end it. I agreed saying I would do the same, in her position , I was happy for the time we spent together and didn't regret a thing
I ended up being in hospital for about 2 months after the operation. She was always phoning and on facebook wanting to visit. Which was cool with me. She would send naughty pics of her in the bath to keep me amused in my hospital bed and would visit regularly with nice deli food and stuff.
When I got home she would again start to come and visit, we would ly on the bed watching movies while i would fall asleep on her. Again I was really enjoying her company and stuff. The thing is I 'm not going to get better from my illness. Not with all the hope in the world and I don't think I've given her enough chances to get out of the relationship.
In fact I think for my own selfish reasons I don't want to give her the chance to leave me, but I know I have to. She has a whole life to live, I can't give her kids or even contemplate getting married at the moment. I'm currently on chemotherapy for the next six months. She was meant to come over on Thursday but said she didn't feel well. I'm sensing she might be looking for a get out without wanting to hurt my feelings. I think I need to tell her that it's ok, if she doesn't want to do this anymore. I won't be hurt and for her to move on. I think I've been selfish for too long, but I've just really enjoyed it. But it's not fair of me to take her on this journey with me. It's only going to end in tears and not the happy type

I'm not sure what to do. Should I end it to make it easier for her or just give her the option for her to end it? I don't want recipes for cures to my condition I want brutal honesty about what I should do. I won't be upset by your answers she's meant to come over tomorrow so I feel I need to contact her before to get this sorted. What should I do?

She loves you. The real you. She wants to share what little time you both have together. She will go on with her life after you pass. You are going through something that many of us can't possibly understand on a personal level. Let her love you because you do matter and she see's that. We're only here for a short time and you might as well live and love while you can. It's not selfish, it's human.

Brutally honest you asked for....

Well - Talk to her.

That' it.

Find out how she feels and explain all of your feelings and fears etc and have her let you know where she's at and go from there.


It's that simple.

Good luck mate.

originally posted by: woodwardjnr
a reply to: berenike no sex isn't the primary importance, but it has been good. It's important in a relationship and helps improve the connection. There's a lot more to her than just sex

Thank you for the reply - I felt the questions needed to be asked.

I hope you can have the ease you so hope for and that the two of you can resolve things so that you can both have no regrets.

So many honest, intelligent responses on here I really can't add anything that hasn't been said. But there is one thing, Wood, don't lose sight of the fact that she, too, is getting something out of this relationship. You have been honest about what you get......... which is all just normal stuff.

I don't know her, but I would imagine she is getting mostly the same things you are. She gets to feel needed and wanted, she gets support, she gets to be in a sexual relationship, she gets to be in the presence of someone who cares about her and makes her feel good.

So, just saying. She wouldn't stay in the relationship if she weren't getting anything in return. Don't lose sight of that. You might be ill, but you are nonetheless meeting her needs.

MY BEST TO YOU! Stay thirsty my friend. And hungry. : )

a reply to: woodwardjnr

I cannot express my sorrow for your illness.

But I would let it work itself out. Hug, love, laugh until you take your last breath. No need to fix what isn't broke. She obviously wants to be your "soft place to fall" so let her. Enjoy your love. DDon't question it.

My very best wishes to you both.

a reply to: woodwardjnr

TBH I am more worried about you.

I know that you want to end things amicably and I think you both should do what is right and support each other. Needless to say that you have the full support of ATS and this wannabe Jedi is willing to lend his battle meditation.

Sorry for the multiple edits, I didn't mean to be insincere.

a reply to: woodwardjnr

Talk to her,find out what she wants to do. Does she want to stay till the bitter end for closure? Or does she want to go find someone else and not deal with the grief of losing you? That is going to answer it for her so she can move on it whichever direction she chooses.

a reply to: woodwardjnr

My thought is this: There may be days when when she feels like she can't handle it, along with all of lifes other pressures, and maybe you just need to give her the space she needs to become strong again.

Don't end it yourself, because obviously you don't wan to. But as another poster said, have an honest talk with each other.

a reply to: woodwardjnr

Hello woodwardjnr!

Well sweetheart, you've had some great advice here.

My advice? Get your woman over and watch "The Theory of Everything"...the movie (story) about Stephen Hawking, his illness...and his incredible wife Jane.

There are loves that are strong enough to withstand anything.

I wish you nothing but the best, friend.

jacygirl

a reply to: woodwardjnr

Oh boy....As a nurse I find it really irresponsible and unprofessional that she even started a relationship with you, her patient, in the first place.

That being said, the heart wants what the heart wants. If you're both really, truly, madly and deeply in love then why split up at all? But, I have to question her motives in the first place, getting involved like that with a patient is a BIG no-no.

What are her motives? What is it that she wants and gets out of the relationship? Is it actual love or is there something else going on? If it's love, then why split up? If there are other motives involved (on her end), then I'd run far, far away if I were you.

Thanks, I have to agree the replies have been great. A testament to ats as a community. a reply to: jacygirl
I'm going to give it a few days and just let her have some time. If it's meant to be it's meant to be. I think maybe I just need to relieve any pressure. Been a fascinating response anyway. Thanks to everyone who replied gave me some food for thought

a reply to: woodwardjnr

Embrace love despite what tomorrow brings. If you pass tomorrow or 10 years from now, both your lives will be the better for your time spent together before then.

a reply to: woodwardjnr

Its up to her, if she wishes to continue then do so. I think that you two should stay together. Its not about ending on a good note, since we all end, its about being true to each other and what you were for each other.

If you love someone, dont spare them. If she leaves then so be it, but dont push her away.

The time you spent together has enriched each others lives and made those lives worthy. It would be cheapening the memory of each other to shy out last minute because you dont want to hurt each other. You were not shy about loving her, this is part of that.

You made her live like she made you live. Pain is part of life and the love you shared is strong enough to overcome the pain. In fact, it is empowering after it all. To look back and because of the strength of heart, to say you overcame powerful pain.....with powerful love. That is a level of living few get to experience.

I will not say the typical things you must be tired of hearing. I am sorry for your situation though.

What I will say is that you have a special worth to your days that most would never understand. How sweet a kiss from this girl must be for you. I love my wife dearly, but I can not kiss her like you kiss this woman and will not for a long time. Maybe never.

How wonderful to know your feelings and have them so clear to you. How worthy you must be and how wonderful she must be.

Do not spare her. LOVE HER as you have, that is the greatest gift you can give her, not a respite from pain that she will feel anyways.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. May you smile and mean it. My heart which you have touched with your story, thanks you for making it stronger. I will finish posting here and go to try to kiss my wife like you kiss this woman.

Have a good one.
Hold it down.

With so many replies I bet you're wondering if you should have just kept quiet?

Not sure what part of the uk you're in, but I have back problems that prevent me from working, however, I have a car and being an x trucker dont mind travelling, so if you're ever in need of transport, just call Grandads Taxi (thats what my granson calls it), seriously dude! at my age helping people is just about all I got left to do.

As for the woman, GO GET SOME!!!
Shoving her away might leave her feeling guilty when the day comes!

originally posted by: woodwardjnr
I'm sensing she might be looking for a get out without wanting to hurt my feelings. I think I need to tell her that it's ok, if she doesn't want to do this anymore. I won't be hurt and for her to move on. I think I've been selfish for too long, but I've just really enjoyed it. But it's not fair of me to take her on this journey with me. It's only going to end in tears and not the happy type

I think you should tell her exactly what you said above. That is how you honestly feel about the situation and that is what you should say.

Then she can make the decision herself whether to stay or go.

a reply to: woodwardjnr

First, I am sorry to hear about your cancer, and that there seems to be no solution. I lost my dad and an uncle to cancer, and I know it isn't easy for people to deal with.

Now, to your issue. What do YOU want? You stated, I believe, that you told her before she could go, so that's done. She seems conflicted, and that is understandable, so it seems like you should sit down together and discuss the situation, openly and honestly. Listen to what she feels and wants, and share with her what you feel and want, and just go from there. Nothing about this is likely to be easy, for either of you. You might decide together to enjoy t he time you have, or you might decide together that it''s too hard, and step back. Whatever you decide, try and do it together, and with care and concern for one another.