What should I do? Brutal honesty needed

If the situation was reversed, and you loved her and wanted to be with her ....

That would be your choice ... would it not?

Love can last a lifetime or it can be fleeting. It is still very valuable.

Reverse the situation and have a good think about it.

She is an adult and can and should make decisions for herself.

With all respect, you should not be trying to make those decisions for her.

P

a reply to: woodwardjnr

As a mother, I want to say something... (I'll be your mom for a second here.. lol)

You know well how to die... but you have been dying so long you forgot how to live..

learn to live again hon... learn to live.. sure.. some stuff is harder for you than it is other people... but use the things you can to help you, and learn to live again..

a reply to: woodwardjnr

You've already been given the best advice my friend, I really can't add to it.

Just know that when you disappear for a while there are those of us that think of you, and, send up prayers or positive thoughts for you.
It may not be much but know you are loved here on ATS.

Cody

a reply to: woodwardjnr

I certainly didn't know about your condition and I'm more sorry than I can say... Love and hugs to you.

As far as Ann goes, just be honest with her. Tell her about your conflicted feelings. Tell her you love having her around, but you feel guilty because you don't feel you can offer her a relationship that she may be looking for - that you love seeing her but are concerned that she's doing it because she would feel guilty breaking it off.

Then let her decide. She's a big girl and can make this decision for herself. If she decides to keep seeing you, accept it and enjoy yourself.

None of us knows how long we have with the people we love. We can't really plan out our future or control what happens. But in the meantime, we can share love openly and honestly, and that's what it's all about.

I wish you the very best of everything!

originally posted by: OpinionatedB
a reply to: woodwardjnr

As a mother, I want to say something... (I'll be your mom for a second here.. lol)

You know well how to die... but you have been dying so long you forgot how to live..

learn to live again hon... learn to live.. sure.. some stuff is harder for you than it is other people... but use the things you can to help you, and learn to live again..

If I could applaud that I would OB

I'm proud to call you a friend

Cody

a reply to: woodwardjnr

I liked Hotel's suggestion, as that was my first thought.
Marry Ann.

Is that a realistic possibility?

What I would do, is as tothetenthpower suggested, have a serious heart to heart with her, and then if she says she will stick it out with you, pop the question, but not until she says she will.

If she can't handle what you are going through, that is also understandable but really,
what do you have to lose?

You need her love and support.
People don't come into your life for no reason.

That is just my opinion, but you might as well go all out.

a reply to: cody599

I'm proud to call you friend too..

I love this poem.. so I will share it:

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

- Dylan Thomas

Let it play out...
She called you after the first time you two stopped!

She will let you know when it is over...trust me on this.
Live life to the fulliest and EnJoy every Single Moment.
We do not get a so over in life so...
See my Sig.

a reply to: OpinionatedB

Great post! I agree.

woodwardjnr - remember that love isn't JUST something we do for others. We do it for the simple joy of sharing love with others. Ann could be in it for herself, but it sounds to me like she's definitely getting something out of it, too.

Kahlil Gibran on Love

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.
...
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

Kahlil Gibran on Love

a reply to: Benevolent Heretic

I had that passage read at my wedding

One of my favourite books, I can't count the times I've lent it out, the best was a 3 year lend and it turned up in my mail with a note saying "Sorry Cody, but it took me this long to read it" I laughed so hard, it took me about the same amount of time the first time around.

Cody

a reply to: woodwardjnr

Why ever would you drive away the best thing that ever happened to you at the very moment you need it most?
She's a healer, works at a place of healing and has decided to help you along on your journey.

I can't imagine why the hell you should have any doubt about that. Who else would love someone sooo much? She understands more than most what you are going through because of her profession.

God damn man straighten up and fly right. You want honesty, try being honest with her. Tell her everything you feel, tell her all your hopes and fears, how grateful you are for her being there. Show her this thread, enjoy every minute of your time with her.

She is an angel sent to you, stop doubting, keep on being loved and loving in return. it will be alright.

originally posted by: OpinionatedB
a reply to: cody599

I'm proud to call you friend too..

I love this poem.. so I will share it:

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

- Dylan Thomas

I've just printed that off OB

It's currently winging it's way to my son, my thanks

There are people in our lives that inspire, those we think are closer to death than us, as you know we all have a death sentence and sometimes death comes to tap us on the shoulder and doesn't take us ..................... Yet. Ross was one of those

woodwardjnr is another

woodwardjnr I damn near lost a family member a couple weeks ago, a young guy with everything to live for, he proposed as soon as he came out of his coma, his words not mine.........................."Damned if I'm not gonna take a chance on love, I'd be a bloody fool to die and not risk my heart"

Cody

You know what? She already loves you and when she tried to end it, she obviously couldn't. I think she will see this out until the end and she will be by your side. That's what I think. You are often in my thoughts and prayers!

originally posted by: woodwardjnr

I'm sensing she might be looking for a get out without wanting to hurt my feelings. I think I need to tell her that it's ok, if she doesn't want to do this anymore. I won't be hurt and for her to move on. I think I've been selfish for too long, but I've just really enjoyed it. But it's not fair of me to take her on this journey with me. It's only going to end in tears and not the happy type

I think you've answered your own question. Tell her how you feel and let her decide what she wants to do.

Love today. Love in this moment. It's all we have anyway.

Life is a series of choices in each moment. Just keep choosing life and love. No matter what happens. You can only control your own choices, not the choices of others - so if she stays, goes - or keeps fluctuating, that is her choices being made.

Be strong, live fully.

Wishing you all the best.

a reply to: woodwardjnr

If she wants to end it, then she is going to end it no matter how hard it might appear to be for her in the end, so even making a thread about it is irrelevant.

On one hand, I understand why people do things like this. Because in the end self preservation is a human instinct that most people follow.
On the other hand, I think it's incredibly selfish for her to take you this far and then ditch you when the going gets tough. I don't think it is selfish of you to not want to die alone. I think that she got herself into this situation without properly considering her future responsibilities.

a reply to: woodwardjnr

You just need to communicate with her and have a meeting of the minds. I can't say for certain what will happen but don't make any choice for her--she is a person, too and she has a brain. So do you. So act like it and talk to her. Be open and kind and understanding and be prepared to listen, too. Just be chill about it and show that you care.

If you like her, then see her. If you're uninterested then don't. But don't do anything on her account. She can make choices for herself. Don't manipulate her.

originally posted by: woodwardjnr
a reply to: tothetenthpowerthanks 10th sound advice. I just need to do it today and being the king of procrastination I need to get it done before I see her tomorrow. I just think that if I do it now that's no more sex for me for the foreseeable future. That sounds a bit shallow but it's a reality. It just seems like I'm giving up the only good thing in my life that brings me happiness and a great distraction from the realities im facing.

I wonder how intuitive Ann is and if she suspects how important the sex is to you? Maybe she feels that is her primary purpose as far as you're concerned.

If she means more than that to you then you should make it plain, or she may not feel up to coping with the emotional fall-out of being in a relationship with a dying man if all he really wanted was a good time that he couldn't find anybody else to give him.

That's not trying to be unnecessarily brutal, but the fact is some people do stay in relationships only for the sex and if their partners realise this they feel hurt and used.

Perhaps that is why she's so unsure about staying. Perhaps it's why you feel so relaxed about giving her an easy way out?

Do you think that if you really loved her you'd find giving her a way out so easy?

It's been mentioned before, but how do you think you would cope with someone who can't quite decide if they want to be with you or why they want to be with you? Would you find life easier if you weren't always worrying about whether or not your girlfriend was going to show up for your next date?

I think maybe you both need reassurance. You need to reassure her that she means more to you than a bit of light relief and she need to reassure you that she wants to be in the relationship. Which she might be more keen on once you've told her she's more than a 'distraction'.

If neither of you can give those assurances, best call it a day.

a reply to: woodwardjnr

You have my prayers and best wishes on your journey. I can only assure you....God places certain people in our lives at certain times for reasons unclear to us.

I would tell you this: I would let things be and continue the relationship as its been. There is a reason she is there for you, and a reason YOU are there for her.

You both know the siruation and yet found each other...thats enough of an assurance it is meant to be....though perhaps unclear to you both right now...you both...given that...are for reasons unclear, have been placed together.

None of us knows how long any of us have, so make the most of it each day. God bless your struggles, and you both.

It seems together...for however long...you are meant to be.

Blessings friend...MS

a reply to: berenike no sex isn't the primary importance, but it has been good. It's important in a relationship and helps improve the connection. There's a lot more to her than just sex