Sitting at the gate...

maybe this calm will remain

Eh HarryTZ, I can't add much to some of the insights already in this thread.Looks like you have worked hard to focus, understand spirituality, and how it can work for you.You are at a special time in your life, and this exploration is a big part of that, no doubt.Growth takes time, and this area of study can be very abstract.Try not to go too hard on yourself, looking at my own journey there are definitely times where my understanding hits plateaus as part of the natural cycle of life.Look at it as a time to focus on growing in other areas of experience, to build further for your higher aspirations.

Earthly work like physical health, education in other areas of life, creative expression like the arts, or relationships in general can all be fruitful areas to investigate.Spending time in those departments can often reveal the lessons that make us feel that we aren't "progressing" to where we should be.Keeping in mind the lessons, and philosophies you have studied at this point; while going about observing your day to day life can provide you a chance to see how others apply these kinds of ideas or how they play out.I mention this, because often we can be so wrapped up in our own worlds that we fail to take notice of the minor miracles and lessons life teaches us in silence.

a reply to: HarryTZ

i have to reject everything and yet here i am,hoping that someone will know how to solve the greatest koan of all...

That was absolutely beautiful and yet another example of the hidden guru within us. Because you've just discovered the greatest discovery of all, and solved the greatest koan of all time with that first sentence. In my opinion, the work is already done and it is just a matter of time before that permanently sets in and the implications of that discovery reveals your eternal liberation. The sages are smiling down upon you right now.

Like others have said give it time.
I use to think life was just a straight foreword motion where we live, then die and nothing more.

That was until I was about 26 and had my first Kundalini Rising. I was getting into spirituality and meditating but wasn't striving for it. Anyways it has forever changed my perspective on life, the way I perceive myself and the world around me and understand there is a true force that most don't even realize is there or even exists. I wish you all the best and take it a day at a time. Because when you look back 10 plus years from now, you will say to yourself, "What was I thinking" Or "Why was I"

ciao

a matter of waiting and yet there still must be searching left in me otherwise what to wait for?

a reply to: HarryTZ

hmm...

carrot dangling dangerously close? can you taste it? want a bite of that fresh veggie?

yeah, but what really is that carrot, and what is it that wants that carrot? are they separate? perhaps entangled in a dance? co dependent upon another? Does the carrot need you too?

it takes the lake to be still to know the stillness that always resided within it

you've put in a lot of work, now finish it

how?

do not let yourself rest in unawareness, but become mindful of everything, become concentrated

It is through meeting with the stillness within that you will blossom, gain the insight that is lacking currently, and through you knowing directly you will find wisdom and peace

the teachings and words are the boat, your practice the oar, your strength your will; what meaning does a boat have on dry land? hit yourself with the stick!

what does it mean to be waiting? what/who is waiting?

don't fight your restlessness, investigate it, deeper yet; DEEPER ! is there a center to it? IS THERE???

YOU WISH it was spontaneous, but it takes forEVER. What can you not undo? What is the deepest programming? Only that which is unknown is unsolvable. Direct knowledge and wisdom brings you the solution. Dig deeper.

No one is going to solve it for you, no one will tap you on the head and AH! the light! Enlightenment!

What the # is enlightenment anyway? HHMMMM... you'll surrender, one day, whether you want to or not, for a moment, the fighting will will have expired, and you'll realize how foolish you've been all this time, kicking and screaming trying to figure it out, and then WHOOOSH, on to the next dream before you can comprehend it fully. SURRENDER NOW. Not as a hopeless being, but as a powerful compassionate and wise being. One that can still yet understand what that surrender means, how to weave it into every breath of your life, how to stop asking for YOURSELF and begin to radiate loving kindness, compassion and wisdom outwardly.

Flow... like a feather in the wind, think a feather cares about a carrot? Does it even think of what the wind is doing? Does it mind the folly of not knowing where the wind will take it? Hmmm... but a feather cannot row a boat. Yet, how peaceful it seems floating here and there, and beyond.

Who's rowing that boat?

Tell me HarryTZ, what good is there in desiring something that one cannot attain?

Is there any good that can be found to it? Why desire enlightenment at all?

originally posted by: HarryTZ
a matter of waiting and yet there still must be searching left in me otherwise what to wait for?

a reply to: HarryTZ

That which could be called enlightenment and transcendence is from within, it isn't something that can be manifest from outside yourself or bought, it is something that is intrinsic to ones being.

When I was about 13 I started reading Bhagavad gita, in fact the whole series, then I learned Runes, then I read about many things and many religions, during that time of researching 'occultist' practices my personal and financial life was at it's worst, it felt like punishment for the knowledge gained, I sort of lost track with 'me' for a few years, it felt like being hypnotised. Then for a few years I mostly suppressed any research on spirituality apart from that which came to me, and it did, it was inescapable. Then I researched some mainstream religions such as Judaism and Christianity, even observing fasts etc, I felt energised but again like I wasn't being true to myself, I also lost track a bit then too, I made some not too great personal decisions. Since then, I see religions and spiritual guidance 'organisations' as something that has shaped my views on life though I also see them as teaching outwith the natural order of things, like places to the side of the path of my spiritual journey.

Now I recognise that 'spirituality' is an essential part of my being and I am confident and more relaxed in my knowledge of these, it isn't an urgent quest like it used to be. I also get far more confirmation of spirituality in synchronicity, inspiration and connectedness than before, I communicate with the Universe better and it has happened naturally when I wasn't concentrating on it.

In my experience, organized religion doesn't want people to discover true spirituality because there is connection to the absolute truth and power of the multiverse, and humanity connecting to true infinite energy means they aren't in control. I visualise it as dimensions and organised religion as those attempting a metaphysical wall for preventing access to these dimensions. With true intention and clarity such walls can be overcome and humanity connected to true source. The universe has ways of confirming connection to true spirituality as enlightenment.