These are just some random thoughts. It is all connected though it is also very random. It has no relevant information to convey about anything nor is
it anything really pertinent to anything. So you dont ask for it later because you opted out now: Here is your 2 minutes back. Anyways...
So I was thinking,
I dont want to be honest. I want to lie. I want to tell you that its all good. That I am the best. That my kind are awesome. That I am also the last
of my kind. That I am true. Ultimate in my solitude. That I am an island. The only island.
I then will break down and if I am guilty enough I will say that I am unworthy of even my miserable life. That I am miserable. That it all hurts all
the time and that the numbness I used to feel was nothing compared to actually feeling again. That I have become the groom of ironic torment. My vows
were every word I have said in hate. My wedding band is the stench of my rotting and slowly aging flesh that I am not brave enough to machine away
into perfection. That I am too eager to suffer my way. How I am a
masochist for self loathing and an admirer of self aggrandizing.
Then I will jump before I hear that its ok, and how awesome I and all is. I will jump and say that in the end the wisdom I have gained was worth the
pain that I paid. I will go on and on about how great and unique this mild mannered persona I have in my mind is. I will talk about this hypothetical
awesome man that is somewhere in the mix of all our F ups, our virtues and our intent. I will at that point not be sorry and in fact be happy with the
outcome. This I do to open up the conversation for the next step, the fixing it....I FIX...I do. How I feel at this point empowers me to bend life to
my will....or so I think.
This has worked for sometime. I am not good at BS-ing. I am serendipitous in my skill of BS-ing. So good that sometimes its all too true...which is
the ironic torment from before that I explain away as leading to this great thing that I am only now able to realize, although when I first said it,
thought it or just generally shoveled it...I was completely unaware of what I was doing. That is pretty amazing though, so there is that. See I did it
When I am all spent and well versed in my BS, I look for respite in the mind of another. I take in some filler to my crap. I take in the filth of our
civilization and species...with its bile soaked guile. All progress and achievement I can hope to dream of or entertain as pseudo reality is limited
to petty crap that is exactly like mine. My crap is filler to other peoples crap that they think is clever enough to shove down other peoples mental
throats. Just like me. People with their precious crap that they try to fill with other peoples crap they see as filler to life.
All this is done to make our crap more important. It seems pretty important to us, so why not try to make others see how important your crap is? Its
not like life will be filling for us, no, we must fill IT.
Why not just learn to appreciate other peoples crap- Find your craps worth in the worthiness of other peoples crap?
We are all then just building up physical and emotional crap....the worth we seek is then somewhere else we will go and GOD knows where that train of
thought will lead us.
All this then is done to gauge ourselves against anything, against the universe itself. Juxtapose ourselves to the very stars we can barely see.
Anything, since if not then what is?
How to be humble?
How when we entertain thoughts of God /The universe so as to become it. We compare ourselves to GOD /The Universe.
We must surrender /never give up. Maybe thats how. I really dont know.
edit on 3 10 2015 by tadaman because: (no reason given)