My Heart is Breaking

a reply to: AutumnWitch657


We are going to disagree apparently, but if mother (and family) had taught him to LOVE and forgive and accept instead of hate and hang onto resentment, then it wouldn't be an issue . Environment has EVERYTHING to do with it.

Mental illness is not mentioned, so I don't take that into account. If that is the case, then it could change my opinion.

a reply to: smyleegrl

Let me tell you about my son-in-law. He grew up in the inner city of Baltimore. He describes his childhood to me and it makes me cringe. All his brothers were in jail, or just getting out almost every time I talk to him. But he had a choice. He was not much different than most of his peers except that he was very intelligent. Rarely went to school, but when he did, he enjoyed it. He had a teacher that apparently made a big difference in his life. I met this man, and he is super nice.

He decided to join the army to get out of that situation. He is now about 8 years away from retirement and doing fantastic. Point is, he had to make the decision to not fall into the same trap the rest of his family did. I don't know if this one teacher pushed him that direction or he just decided to do it, but either way, it got him out, let him know he could survive on the good side of the law, and taught him life skills.

I don't know what the answer is with your kids. I'd say keep being the terrific teacher you are and hope that the one's who want better will be willing to dig a bit deeper to get what they want.
Teach them integrity. It allows so much more to follow. (imho)

Intelligence only gets you so far. You need common sense right along side education. You were compassionate enough to take the time with him. We need more teachers like you around. You can't win every battle but maybe you can change the lives of a few for the better. Sorry to hear your tragic story but don't let the world change you. Hope springs eternal.

You did what you were able to do for the child. Unfortunately, you were only in his life sporadically. I am willing to bet that he remembers you, and all the things you said and did for him.

My neighbors are elderly, raising two great granddaughters. When the oldest girl was 6, I began helping her with her homework everyday after I came home from work, and on the weekends we would do her school projects. Such a joy she has been in my life! She is in 11th grade now, and has been on the honor roll consistently since the 6th grade. When she would be at my house I would stress how important it was for her to read everything she could get her hands on (her library is larger than mine!).

Smyleegrl, I missed your posts! You brought both smiles and tears to us at ATS. Glad you are back!

Norma Jean

a reply to: smyleegrl

There is no reason for you to feel guilty. You did nothing wrong. It isn't your fault the circumstances this boy now finds himself in. You did the best you could do.

The past is gone.

It is an unreasonable expectation to put on yourself to try and help every single individual you come across in life.

People like 'Denarius' are practically doomed from birth to become criminals and sociopaths. When someone is born into an environment like his, there's not a lot of hope. Sure, some people 'rise above' and go on to become stable, responsible adults, but sadly the odds are just not in their favor.

There's a Frederick Douglas saying used by social workers that goes something like:
" It's easier to build strong children than to repair broken adults. "

You did your best. I can certainly see how this would be so hard for you. I knew a woman who worked for
the social services. She told me a couple stories that were so heart-wrenching, I wished I hadn't heard them.

originally posted by: smyleegrl

Sorry, Denarius. I feel as if I failed you, somehow.

On the contrary, you gave him opportunity and tools in life to better himself, unfortunately he chose a different path.

It's like the Cherokee story about the two wolves.

www.firstpeople.us...

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A
fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.

"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One
is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed,
arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies,
false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The
other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity,
humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity,
truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going
on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then
asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

That is truly heart breaking. Being good is a choice--being evil is sometimes too fun and too convenient--especially, perhaps, for a child from a broken home.

The world is a scary place. And I'm sorry that his life went so awry. It's really sad.

How sad. Trust me, you did your best. I know because of how sad you are over this event. Unfortunately, there are a whole lot more teachers who are out there tonight wondering the very same thing about a student they taught.
I feel that the lessons of the world MUST be taught in the home, first. A kid's parents are their hero's (in most cases).
The parents are the only example the child has as to what is right and what is wrong. Morals are not taught and not valued. In today's society, the middle class family is lucky to be a middle class family. Most live outside their true means.
In fact, the middle class kids I know don't see their parents throughout the week and never together (both parents) on the weekends. It takes more than 1 job EACH to keep up that kind of life style. Most of parents are working 2 or more jobs a week and the kids are raised in after school studies and by an ailing grandparents (if they are lucky). No parents, peer pressure, sex, drugs, and everything else is just too much for our kids to handle. I don't care how old and "mature" they are.

I know that the average person couldn't handle it, but I like the idea of communes. Away from the cities where like- minded people raise their families together. Everyone works together and helps each other. Children are raised under common rules and core beliefs. Everyone pulls their weight. NOT PERFECT, but maybe good enough until something better can be done. There has to be an answer. If we don't find it soon, I suspect, the little bit of the "good life" we have now will be gone very shortly. Just call me an old hippie.

The story indicates to me that environment plays a big part in how a person can behave. When he was in the environment where you were the teacher you encouraged all his good qualities. When he left that environment he went to a knew one which we do not have clear details of, but appears it was an opposite contrast.

So who is the real victum here, the teacherm, the student, or the people shot? Answer is everyone.

Well you didnt fail him in any way. All criminals were at one time innocent little children.

I have a neohew who got into crime. He got into drugs and eventually had to rob to buy the drugs. How awful it was to see him on the 6 o clock news and read headlines such as " knife wielding robber" and "Considered dangerous"

I hsve my own personal opinions on how this ended up being so with him. He's still a great guy but would I trust him in my home? No and I've told him this. He always says I've learnt my lesson, but he did it again! I really have no faith he will become a productive person, even though he possesses all the skills to do so. He has a weakness and I think in some ways he's just suffering depression at times and during those times he isn't thinking clearly and the drugs become a sedative for him to not think about what's truly bothering him. He has hurt my family and all they say is how could this have happened, a good boy from a good family? Yet I have my personal opinions he had poor role models who really didn't teach him right from wrong, but who am I to judge? Other factors surely played a role in this and did so in the case of Denarius

originally posted by: Taupin Desciple
a reply to: smyleegrl


The rule is that the majority rules, and if the majority of the people in his life were uneducated, he will be eventually do as they do.

Just because someone is born smart, that doesn't mean they were born strong enough to overcome the obstacles he had to. Those are 2 different attributes..........that lead me to believe that if there is a god, he is one twisted b***h.

You did all you could do. You're a good woman, don't beat yourself up over it.

A bit of a fatalist are we?

a reply to: smyleegrl

A good friend of mine is feeling the same way lately. He taught a young man in a 'special school' for 5 years. The kid started very badly and learned to trust after a couple of years. By the time he left school, he had become fairly well-behaved and had a training placement to go to. The guy then got into the 'legal highs' and drifted into street robberies, stealing and debts to dealers.

On Friday, he's due to be sentenced for quite a violent crime and has just turned 18. This means he's tried as an adult and faces a couple of years inside.

My friend has a tendency to see himself as a miracle-worker and overlooks the fact that people make their own decisions and their backgrounds are massively influential. It doesn't hurt him to see himself as 'saving lives' but he often blames himself when his pupils or ex-pupils fail in real life.

The point of this anecdote is just to say it's a good reflection on your character to feel responsible for your pupils. You've got soul and that's a beautiful quality. Just don't ever forget that your ex-pupils are individuals (like you) who make their own decisions.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to offer kind words of advice, or even to just reach out. You helped me feel a thousand times better. It's my nature to get over emotional, as in the op, and to assign all blame on myself. I have to work on hat.

An update on the situation. I don't know a lot of details, but the two victims are still alive and holding their own. Denarius was a gang member and the crime was an attempted robbery, according to police. I do not know if the victims were also gang members.

This has upset quite a few of my colleagues who also taught Denarius as a young child, although I'm sorry to say it's not an unheard of occurrence here. One of the. If problems I see is that our county's gang intervention programs don't really start until late middle school and by hen, it's too late. We need something on the elementary level, to help the young kids who are drawn into that lifestyle before they realize they even have a choice.

We are working on it.

Thanks again, everyone. Hugs.

a reply to: smyleegrl

As a Teacher I understand how you feel. I too know the pain of having worked with a Young Person and then down the track it all goes horribly wrong. Take heart and know that your kindness is in there "somewhere" - inside his confused and pain riddled psyche he will remember the Teacher who showed him kindness - maybe not right now and maybe not even for some time - but - sometime in the future he will recall your kindness.

It is a shame that kindness is not in the government curriculum that Teachers have to follow.

Much Peace - Amanda5