Possible Emotional abuse, yes it happens to men....

Hey guys, ive been married to my wife now for about 6 months, weve been together for over 2 years now......

There have always been little signs here and there, things said in passing , remarks made.......

But in the last 4 months things have gotten really bad.

Its to the point im wondering if im crazy, my wife , whom I love with all my heart, seems to be suffering from a personality disorder that I always suspected but never confirmed.

She has the midnight panick attacks that wake her up, which in turn she has to wake me up with , sometimes just to yell at me.....
She has the axiety that often gets so far out of control she lashes out at anyone close to her.

But here lately its been coming to a head.......

It seems like no matter what I do its not good enough, she seems to "tally" things up. If she pays for something (even tho we are married) then I owe her (even tho im the primary bread winner). We split the bill for our wedding, yet im constantly reminded that she paid for 1k more then I did, because at the time my job wasn't as good as it is now.

I got my fathers truck when he passed away last year, but I wasnt aware he was so far behind on the payment. Long story short they said they were coming to get it and I didnt have a loan in time, She had the 3k because she sold her horse and trailor last year because it cost too much in upkeep (which later she brings up was all for me , not because of upkeep) So she paid for it, to save my fathers truck, immediately after, she tells me I owe her, and that I better spoil her.

This coming from a woman that whenever I have an extra bit of money, Im always buying her something or or buying plane tickets to see each other.

She has stated many times that I havent had to give up anything, despite the fact that to pay for the wedding she wanted, I almost lost the house. I lost my job, my poor mother broke her hip, and im having to finance everything including her surgery and help w her bills because she lost her job too.......not to mention last year we lost my father and my mothers father.....

its been a rough year........

She has been living at home until we got married (she still does because of a custody issue in her state), paying half the rent with her mother........I gave her a 2008 Chrysler Sebring in perfect condition so she would have a car , I pay the insurance of course and the monthly payment.....

I dont care about the money tho, thats the thing, ive never once brought it up , because as I see it, what i do is out of love......I dont care about any of it, I do what I do because I love her and her daughter.......and because we are a team, i dont understand the "tit for tat" the competition ....

We are living apart at the moment because were in a custody battle with her daughters father and there is issues moving here. I was out of work for a month because i was laid off, 2 weeks out of that was solid job interviews and the last week and a half I was up north at her request to help with family stuff up there.........She tells me yesterday, that A real man would have at least gotten a job at McDonalds.......keep in mind, I did get a job, and it pays 6 figures a year........but somehow im not a real man? Not to mention I had steady interviews almost the entire month I was out of work?

Being that we live apart its hard so we video chat and skype as much as possible, with the training for the new job we haven't had as much time...

So I tried to surprise her the other day and video chat her, It was my day off and I had just gotten home from the gym and her response was immediately "Hey how are you, ugh god you know i hate your cut off shirts, and whats with your hair, have you done ANYTHING today?" she went on to tell me how horrible i looked for another 5 min before i just hung up on her.......


She was upset for weeks because we weren't getting as much face time, and the first time i call her to get some of that face time she spends the whole time insulting me.

She goes off the deep end and pushes me and pushes me until im angry and stop talking to her, then she pulls the pouting faces, and "oh poor me" "im so sorry you feel this way, it really hurts" lines, totally disregarding what shes said to me........

And will there ever be an apology? nope..........and if it is its 'Im sorry YOU took it that way" or "Im sorry YOURE upset" no apologies for her actual actions.....

When she wanted to change my truck over into our name instead of just my name, I had told her that I didnt want to do that, because it was the only thing my father could afford to leave to me......my father died while I was away, and couldnt be there for him, i couldnt get to him in time and it was deeply deeply painful, he was my best friend........it is the only thing i really have left of him.......

My telling her that I want to keep it in my name, spawned a 3 hour tantrum about how ungrateful I am ( this is before we knew it was going to get repoed), and how I dont need to use my dead parent as a pitty card...........now keep in mind, that was ALL I said to her about it, there wasnt a long discussion.......

Just yesterday, I found out that I was getting almost 2 weeks off for the holiday with this new company and I was getting paid.....Her and her daughter are coming up so that means I get to spend he entire time with them w out any work interference........her response ?

"I really wish you were working, I have to work a few days from home while im up there, its not fair that you dont have to work, Why would you tell me that about your company knowing I have to work and you dont, its great they treat you well but it makes me feel like sht"

I was dumbfounded, what kind of person would actually WISH something on their significant other, instead of being happy they get to spend the time with them un interrupted? and get their pay? Im just at a loss

There is a lot more but, I just need some help, im really hurting here and Im feeling quite a lone ........I could use some advice...

a reply to: ManBehindTheMask


Run away, my friend. Run far away.
It is better to be alone than to deal with that.

a reply to: ManBehindTheMask

Yes indeed, it does happen to men, too.

Sorry to hear about your situation.

Am I reading you right that you and your wife are living apart right now?

As an outsider who does not know you I can only advise honesty. Honesty destroys all illusions and resets the balance. Would it do any harm and are you feeling brave enough to just ask her, "Do you really want to be with me?". I know that it is impossible for people to change just because they are not living up to what somebody else wants them to be.

May be it is the right time to be honest and frank? I know that is hard because of emotional security reasons, but it is always a good idea to clarify situations when communication breaks down. Establish communication and engage in an honest appraisal of your relationship as a couple.

If there does come a point where you are feeling emotionally abused and it is having a very severe effect on your psyche then you have to take steps to deal with it because otherwise you will continue to be the victim and the abuse can get much worse unchecked.

Hmmm, for all it is worth, I have tried to think positive thoughts for you and your partner here. Best wishes.

a reply to: ManBehindTheMask

I can offer a bit of advice... take it or leave it...

1. IF possible, can you do the exact same thing to her that she does to you... IF you can, warn her about what you're going to do first, and spend a day or two treating her as she treats you

2. Slam divorce papers on the table right in front of her... (unsigned, just in case she calls your bluff) look her straight in the eye and say... This is the direction you're pushing me in... and walk away

3. sit her down and talk it out rationally...

4. Don't put up with her BS... but not everyone knows how to do this correctly... Hard to explain... try the first three

Don't live an unhappy and an unfulfilling life trying to make someone else happy. Some people cannot be happy regardless of how much you love and do for them. I have a friend who went through a very similar situation as it sounds like you are going through.

My first advice would be to sit her down and tell her how much these things bother and hurt you. If she is receptive and willing to talk about and address the issues then you can move forward. If she is unreceptive and doesn't care then you are pretty limited on what choices you have.

a reply to: lonesomerimbaud

Yes we are, were having to do a court thing with her daughters father, its been a real pain, the guy hasnt been present for 15 years, now all the sudden he wants to put a stop to the move , so were having to deal with that......

I have asked her many times, if you feel this way about me, why do you stay with me? Do you want to be with me.....

And she always replies yes.........
Yet, shes very vindictive and hurtful with her actions sometimes........

It came to a head about a month ago and I told her flat out i was thinking about filing paper work, after not talking to me for about 3 hours I got a ton of phoen calls and a rush of txts about how she loved me and she doesnt want to be with out me and she doesnt want a divorce and as much as we fights she never could think of being with someone else.......

But then as soon as the smoke clears its 'you know when we were fighting, it really makes me angry that you said "this" and she starts to try and provoke again.......

i dont understand it........

Just the other day out of no where, she started a fight over the fact that I got baptized without her here, on my birthday.......she said it was very important for her to be here for that, and that I was thoughtless and heartless.....

Except one small fact , she could have been there, it had been planned for a good 3 months and I tried to buy the ticket, she knew it was my birthday , there was nothing stopping her from being there, but it was my fault for going through with it even tho she wasnt there.......

for whatever reason months later, she hit me with it out of no where, I had been out of service and hadnt even talked to her for half the day because i was out of cell range, it was the first txt she sent me when i was able to recieve messages....

I appreciate your positive thoughts and vibes my friend I really really do.........it all helps

originally posted by: Akragon
a reply to: ManBehindTheMask

I can offer a bit of advice... take it or leave it...

1. IF possible, can you do the exact same thing to her that she does to you... IF you can, warn her about what you're going to do first, and spend a day or two treating her as she treats you

2. Slam divorce papers on the table right in front of her... (unsigned, just in case she calls your bluff) look her straight in the eye and say... This is the direction you're pushing me in... and walk away

3. sit her down and talk it out rationally...

4. Don't put up with her BS... but not everyone knows how to do this correctly... Hard to explain... try the first three

The last 2 im definitely coming very close to.........the first I dont think I have the heart to do, I cant bring myself to treat her like that.......I dont feel its right, and I cant justify it even to make her feel the way i am, not to someone i care about....

But again the last 2 im starting to wonder...........I know its easy to say "dont put up with this and that" but , when you love someone and their daughter so much its hard to just walk away.......but alas it might be the only answer

originally posted by: SpaDe_
Don't live an unhappy and an unfulfilling life trying to make someone else happy. Some people cannot be happy regardless of how much you love and do for them. I have a friend who went through a very similar situation as it sounds like you are going through.

My first advice would be to sit her down and tell her how much these things bother and hurt you. If she is receptive and willing to talk about and address the issues then you can move forward. If she is unreceptive and doesn't care then you are pretty limited on what choices you have.

yeah , ive done that quite a few times, it seems to either go in one ear and out the other, or she just dismisses it because of "x" reason or "you made me feel this way" or "Things have just been stressful" or whatever, but the behavior always continues

I know this all sounds so obvious to some, and stupid really , but I guess maybe i just need some validation that im not going crazy.....

Because she honestly makes me feel that I am sometimes............I sit back sometimes and im like "am i that horrible of a person that she would just randomly go off on me out of no where?"

"am i that useless?"

I got this job which pays very very very well , that can take care of us financially forever really, and her response is "Money isnt everything" which is true, but then she only uses that line whenever I have to work and she wants my time......then she tells me I value money over everything else.....

The rest of the time shes busy telling me how much I owe her, the last time i brought up divorce, her first reaction was to add up everythign she felt i owed her in money and tell me what I need to settle up on..........Not the fact that the relationship could end, not the fact that we would be over...........but the money.........

But IM THE ONE who sees money as everything? All i want is to make sure my family is taken care of, to hell with the rest of it......hell ive almost lost my house as it is paying for things for her.......I could ccare less about money......

a reply to: ManBehindTheMask

That's what I honestly thought... which is why I offered the first one...

Sometimes a person doesn't realise how they're treating another until they get that same treatment themselves...

It might be hard, but I would try it...

GIve her a dose of her own medicine... she will ask you why you're treating her that way....

then you have your solution... This is how you treat me every single day

I was in a situation like this but opposite. I spent years with this woman and i loved her to death. through the years more of her true colors came out and i didn't want to face it. I lied to my self subconsciously. It made me miserable but i didn't know why. I couldn't find the source of my issues. I had anxiety issues where i would up and get mean over nothing without reason.

She broke it off with me after five years. I loved her dearly but i was not in love with her. That was where i went wrong. I mixed up the love of her as a person and her companionship with being in love with her. I lied to myself for years. I didn't know i was even doing it, but there i was blaming her for all the things i didn't like, all the arguments we had.

Come to find out my heart just wasn't in it like i thought it was.

I think you have s situation where she may not be truthful with herself about her feelings towards you. I hope im mistaken but its just too similar to ignore from my POV.


She has to be true to herself before she can be true to you. This is just my opinion as a person who has learned the hard way.

I hope i am really wrong on this. I hope its nothing to worry about but a hormone imbalance or something common.

Sit down with her and talk to her if you can. See if she will maybe talk to someone, sometimes it helps open peoples eyes to their own self deception.

Send her to the docs for a complete workup and blood panel. See what turns up in hormones, blood sugar and thyroid areas. Those are the most common factors in peoples behavior, at least from what i have seen in my years on this earth.

Best of luck and my blessings.

a reply to: ManBehindTheMask

Then it sounds like your options truly are limited. You can stay together and be miserable knowing she will continue to treat you this way most likely forever, or you can go your separate ways and find someone that is worthy of your love and devotion.

I personally couldn't stay with someone who mistreated me and was unappreciative of my love and the things that I did for them. There are too many fish in the sea, and the old saying "for every pot there is a lid to fit it" goes for the both of you. It sounds like the two of you are not a good "fit" for each other regardless if you love her.

a reply to: ManBehindTheMask

The court thing and living apart may be having a bad impact. That is all big stress material. That is a big relationship challenge the situation you both are having to face.

Damn! Such a shame you can't find strength in each other right now to face it all. I do feel for you.

I wish you all the luck. We've just got to keep on heading for the silver lining of the cloud. Deal with every situation that comes our way with maturity and strength, not forgetting our own survival.

a reply to: shaneslaughta

Thats a great explanation and thank you, I suppose that could be the case........and im sorry about the hurt youve been through as well .........


I have asked and brought up as gently as possible , that maybe there is some things we need to look at as far as imbalance, and I didnt bring up ANYTHING but the anxiety, and panick attacks........cause I knew if i said anything about the other she would lose it.......

Didnt help, she lost it on me, said she wasnt crazy and she wasnt going to be on any medication.........yet she knows something, because she takes some herbal stuff she says evens her out, something she gets from the diet store.....

So shes aware theres a need , but she refuses anything professional, I dont want her heavily medicated, but I would at least like to know if there is some bi-polar or borderline personality disorder, so then at least maybe we can find a way to work through it, even if its with a counselor and no meds.........SOMETHING.......

its completely off the wall somtimes too, I mean we came back from our wedding and honeymoon all in all she was gone from her daughter about 3 weeks........

As soon as we get to the house, her daughter runs out and hugs us and is so happy, she goes upstairs and its not exactly as she likes it, she starts in on her daughter, and its a 2 hour anger fest..........

Who does that with someone they havent seen in 3 weeks , their own daughter, it wasnt even a big deal, just pick up a few things and move on..........

You sound cool...She doesn't.

Life is really short...Doesn't sound like you found your soulmate.

She is out there...While you are stuck in a dysfunctional relationship.

You can't change people...Time to consider divorce.

Sorry.

a reply to: ManBehindTheMask

Wow, I am really sorry to hear this. You are too nice of a guy to be unhappy. Have you discussed the mental health issue? I doubt anyone would like the conversation, but if she can be nice and happy, but snaps into bitch mode, she might be bi-polar and some medication may help her bunches. It would be a shame to throw in the towel if it could be saved.

One thing to think about, you don't have any kids together, so a spit would not tear apart a family structure. I am sure it would upset kids, but not as much as a paternal parent. Life is too short to not be happy.

Maybe use the time together to go to a private location, just the 2 of you, and talk about what your long term goals are and what problems you see obtaining them. I hope you find a solution that you can be happy about in the long term. My advice it always free and as usual, you get what you pay for.

Good luck brother.

a reply to: ManBehindTheMask

Thanks.

From what it looks like to me she is not telling herself the truth and it catches up to her in all the odd ways just like me.

I used to have a lot of the same outlets subconsciously. I did a lot of things, said a lot of stuff and it was all my brains way of trying to make it more obvious to myself.

I was screaming on the inside and i just couldn't hear it.

I truly wish both of you a happy ending to this. May you work it out. Remember your mental well being is more important that trying to fix it though, hard as that fact may be to not ignore.

In my case i was so horrible i pushed her away from me. Two years later and a sad conversation on ATS it all just hit me.


In a strange way i want to thank you. I didnt even see the truth of it until your thread opened my eyes.

a reply to: ManBehindTheMask

Good on you for getting this out of your head and on paper! Now, take what you wrote in the OP, and what you learn in this thread, and rewrite it all in a thoughtful letter to your wife. Maybe send it to her, maybe not. Maybe take to a marriage counselor.

Good luck. I hope you can work things out.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Unfortunately, the only advise I can give you is this.
It is VERY unlikely that she is going to change.

The thing I don't understand is, there must have been some signs of this before the wedding. It could be that you thought it was something else going on, or maybe just didn't want to see it. I should know, I didn't want to see the signs I knew were there either.

If 6 more months of talking, therapy, whatever you feel needs to be done doesn't make anything better, you will be better off getting out.

Relationships aren't one sided, you can't fix everything.

originally posted by: chiefsmom
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Unfortunately, the only advise I can give you is this.
It is VERY unlikely that she is going to change.

The thing I don't understand is, there must have been some signs of this before the wedding. It could be that you thought it was something else going on, or maybe just didn't want to see it. I should know, I didn't want to see the signs I knew were there either.

If 6 more months of talking, therapy, whatever you feel needs to be done doesn't make anything better, you will be better off getting out.

Relationships aren't one sided, you can't fix everything.

I know it's not what the OP wants to hear.

However, this sounds like she doesn't want to be married.

I could not imagine my wife of 23 years saying anything like the things in the OP.

Not once, not ever. It's hard to move on.

menopause?
www.avogel.co.uk...

or shes getting rooted from someone else