Merry Christmas

Not too much detail, but I am into the bottle this evening. I also feel little else of an opportunity to vent.

In all honesty the past decade, possibly longer, has been a slow downward spiral in my career. Thanks to mental instability (anxiety, depression), I've been "difficult to employ". I acknowledge this. The kicker is, I've only come to terms with the cause of it over the last five years, and begun to be able to mitigate the situation in the last year. Various meds seem to only offer help with the promise of growing more and more tolerant to the drug. A schedule IV drug. And, a very tight leash on the dispense of this drug. This leaves alcohol, and well other means, as a method of controlling aspects of my disorders / problems. The prescribed drug, well, I need to hold on to for while I am at work. The other methods, are meant to shoulder a good part of the weight so as to free up the schedule IV drug for when I need to appear "professional".

Thanks to a number of contributing factors, I lost a full time position last June. I found out the hard way that (seemingly benign) comments about a former VPOTUS (hey, I am claiming official creation and use of this acronym!), even outside of the political circles, can have chilling effects. Or, as the case may be, cause the loss of someones job. Even in the private sector, far away from the Beltway.


This leaves me with the holiday season of 2014.

I have only been employed (via contract) 2 of the past six months. I am unemployed at the moment. I am desperately seeking employment. Without an influx of funds, the roof over my family's heads will disappear. Too soon to think. Happy 2015.


My father, bastard that he was, showed love through providing. One has to love the sins passed, but also the values, from father to son. Not only am I concerned about being able to provide basic shelter and food for my family, it is also the first time ever in close to fifty years that I've been unable to actually go shopping for gifts for those I love.

It also leaves me feeling guilty as $%%# for even buying alcohol, or "other" means of calming the central nervous system. But, it prevents me from reaching such heights of anxiety that it would appear as if I was going through a grand mal seizure.

Needless to say, the "other means" are highly controversial, and if tested before employment, would make me un-employable.

So, here I am, drinking dirt cheap vodka and peach schnaps (think hairy navel without the OJ), watching a UFO show on H2. I am also contemplating when everything will come to a screeching halt. Moving wife and young daughter to family, myself to a friends. I am all too aware of the mass of debt that I've accrued through concerned friends. I know they'll never come asking for it back, but that is not the way I do things. And not being able to pay them back, or anyone for that matter, in a timely basis, is utterly repugnant to me. I've managed to move my family back up to this area where family is, but it even further imperils my job search due to the lack of necessary foundation in the area for need for my skills in this place.

And, just to put a smile on a face, I recently undertook a remote contract. I personally had to shell out just over $1000 to cover personal expenses (borrowed money for air, hotel, food, etc) for a single week. It was supposed to last one week. Well, after the client had described their need as being "A" and then at my arrival discovering it was "Z", the first weekend home I am told that my services will not be needed. The $3000 I was set to make that week, let alone the income for the next seven to eighteen months, was going to get my family and I out of the hole. Pay back bills. Provide stability.

Now it looks as if the major corporation who contracted me for my skills might not even reimburse me for the money put out upfront for expenses. Money from my own pocket, paid in good faith. Heh. So much for "good faith".

Being all too aware of what this time of year brings, I know things are bleak. December? No hiring managers are in the office. January? Playing catch-up. February? Beginning of the new fiscal year. And lucky me, the vast majority of what I do is from a technical aspect in the financial world. A world heavily moved by the fiscal year. So much so, that many other activities come to a screeching halt until year end (calendar and fiscal) matters are handled. Openings are going to be low to nil until roughly March.

I am screwed.

I do not ask for nor want platitudes. They simply won't up the odds of my family being sustained for the near future. And please, there is nothing negative you can say that I haven't thought about myself already. Honestly, where I cannot do it myself because of it being the ultimate selfish act with regards to my family, I pray that I simply won't wake in the morning. At least that way, it was out of my control and not something I could have prevented.

In the meanwhile, I sit. I am constantly on the phone as I have been for months, trying to line up work. Trying to be paid the $4000 I am owed (may sound like a lot, but trust me, it's a freaking lifeline). Mild to moderate alcohol consumption is truly the last resort that I have to keep moving, still the nerves, and do my damnedest to provide for my family. Just like dear old "Dad" did.

For all of his faults, we were never left wanting. Mostly not during the holiday season.


Cheers, and Happy Holidays.


- NF

I am so sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. Are you collecting unemployment? Have you tried to get help from welfare? You can probably get a nice holiday basket and toys for your kids if you have young kids. See if you can get heating assistance or whatever help you can get. Don't be afraid to seek help if you and your family need it.

So much of that sounds like its my life there.. the employability due to anxiety, depression, countered with alcohol to just get through most days.. I have no family however, so it's waiting for the morning I don't wake up. All around me are people celebrating the festive season, creating new memories to reflect upon with loved ones, partners, kids.. I had met someone, and earlier this year she asked me to marry her. Problem was she is so far away, so I did everything I could to get a short term job, save, and move. I had intended on starting my life, with this woman. and a few months ago she just 'changed' and now has no feelings towards me. So even more, at this time of year, I can't stand the bleakness of it all.

The meds that I've been given over the last decade or so, only marginally help, but ultimately make things worse. On top of being over emotional, I end up feeling like I have gone insane. To counter that, yep... more drink. She was the one thing that I focused on, and in the end, she threw me away.. got the fun she wanted, I guess.

There is nothing merry about this time of year for me. Just the tedious drawn out waiting till next year starts.

It does all seem pointless.. :/

I hope things pick up for you though, it sounds like a run of bad luck lately..

a reply to: Night Star


Thank you for your thoughts.

Honestly, welfare and unemployment are largely out of my vocabulary. Just not something I was raised to accept or depend on.


I guess that will change.


- NF

a reply to: sn0rch

I'm sorry that you too are going through a tough time in life. I have depression and anxiety too and I know it's not easy.

To both of you I will say, please just hold on. Don't wish that you won't wake up. That is so sad. I wish more for you both. I wish you both the strength and courage to carry on. I wish you both some semblance of peace in knowing things don't always have to be this way. I wish you both well.

originally posted by: nullafides
a reply to: Night Star


Thank you for your thoughts.

Honestly, welfare and unemployment are largely out of my vocabulary. Just not something I was raised to accept or depend on.


I guess that will change.


- NF

You have paid into the system since the day you started working. It is there for people who need it. I know it isn't what you want, but for now it can change things for the better and give you a decent Christmas with your family.

a reply to: sn0rch

Do / have you experienced the physical effects of GAD as well? Mine starts with toe tapping. Then knee jerks. Then my HIP moving. All while seated and comfortable. Then, head and arm jerks. Heavy spine twitching. The feeling of my spine and shoulders being a huge, icy, knotted length of hemp rope being twisted and knotted.

At one point, it got so bad, I was convulsing (violently) while sitting in my bark-o-lounger at almost a laying horizontal position.

Meds help, but not with the situational anxiety / panic attacks. Those require the schedule IV meds which you probably have in your repertoire, or as they are truly necessary to be saved, the alternatives.

I truly feel that nobody understands the stress, let alone the psychological / physical aspect of what I am going through. Nobody I can talk to in person, at least.


Hang in there. Death only comes in sleep to the lucky and the divine.



- NF

a reply to: Night Star


The system. Ehhh. [sigh].


Pride. It's a bitch of a pill to swallow.

Won't be the first time I've done so, but it never gets any less bitter.


- NF

a reply to: nullafides



Well ok, many of us don't get to live victoriously, but we are certainly worthy of a decent life.

Time for another cocktail.

Considering the finger depth of the cocktails, this would probably make it my sixth "actual" cocktail this hour to ninety minutes.




Here's to Christmas Joy....



- NF

a reply to: Night Star

I hear you. And what you say is beautiful.


- NF

Thankfully, salty snacks exist.

a reply to: nullafides

LOL! Ok, put the drinks down. You're feeling fine.

a reply to: Night Star

No, I'm really not feeling fine.

Earlier this evening, thirty minutes of trying to help my seven year old with her math homework had me so angry I had to take a "nap" at 6pm for three hours. Shy of drinking or taking meds, this anger was not going to dissipate.

Anger is a key sign of general anxiety disorder.

I couldn't even #ing help my daughter with math.

a reply to: Night Star


At least the drink will help me fall asleep, and hopefully stay asleep.

Tomorrow morning, I'll wake thinking that my mouth was used to clean the litter box.

The day will start over.

Ad-nauseum.

a reply to: nullafides

I'm wondering if with your health problems standing in the way of your getting and keeping a job, you could get disability?
Awwww, don't get angry with the 7 year old.

Oh to help you fall asleep...Melatonin. It's a natural supplement and really works.

Oh I think I read your other reply wrong. You were angry at yourself and not the kid. Sorry.

a reply to: Night Star

Disability won't come close to covering the expenses of a family.


The kicker of the anger is, you know perfectly damned well you're not angry at the person it is venting towards. It's all about the anxiety and pressure that is pushing at the seems.

This was what made me take a nap at 6pm.

a reply to: nullafides

Hmmmm, there has to be some kind of help somewhere. A few drinks can help ease the stress sometimes. Just don't make a habit of it or you'll really have some big problems. But I'm sure you know that already.