lost....

What the OP describes is something of a glimpse into my own nightmarish day to day reality.

I'm a diagnosed schizophrenic sociopathic w/ Asbergers & extreme anhedonia. I went to a forensic neuropsychologist for a full Assessment & broke 6 of their records as well as being the first to ever get 100% on one of the tests.
(puzzles, mind games, word problems, mental reaction speed tests etc.)
My level of general awareness was off the charts.
I'm also an INTJ, if you are familiar with Meyers-Briggs.
www.humanmetrics.com...

I have never said I love you to anyone, can't stand being hugged or touched, other peoples voices gives me horrible anxiety, I have no sense of loss when things die, can't relate to people feeling loss when things die, have no sex drive, have never had actual "feelings" for anyone I have slept with, find no pleasure in the company of others, no hobbies, no passions, no goals... I could go on. All of this has been there since I was a very small child, & the disconnect from the rest of the humans led to an early enlightenment. I fully realized and accepted that the world we live in is wrong and backwards & has been for as long as we've been conditioned to remember it as such. Because literally nothing in this world has any value to me whatsoever, I have always been totally selfless & let myself get taken advantage of.
I live in circular thought patterns. I suffer from extreme insomnia & unipolar depression.

All I think about all day, every day is why this world hasn't plunged into destruction yet & why we are forced to continue on with the suffering. Economy and ego are inherently evil & unnatural.
Hopefully, OP, this makes you feel a little better or at least not so alone.

I think you should not attribute your issues to too much EGO. What you describe isn't selfishness & superiority to others.

a reply to: Eunuchorn

I agree that some thing amiss. I would put money on there being an underlying issue.

a reply to: Eunuchorn
I have some similarities with you...lack of sex drive, no sense of loss, no sense of feeling, when I say I love you it feels hollow inside, one of the big things that annoys me is how often my wife tells me she loves me so that she can hear me say it back, I know she means well, but its just annoying...I told her once, you don't have to tell me you love me so much, and you don't have to be mad when I don't say it back, I am with you, and I am there for you, and I will never leave you, and I always take care of you, and will always take care of you...isn't that the same thing? Isn't that enough to SHOW you that I love you? And her reply: I just like hearing you say it. I understand why she needs it, she was always emotionally abused be her previous husband/boyfriends, belittled, treated like crap, so I understand why she wants me to say it, but deep down I hate saying it. I have no hobbies, no passions either, I like playing 1 game on myPS4, and that's it. It does make me feel better eunuchorn, that I am not the only one, thank you for sharing with us.

a reply to: neomaximus10

OP, the simple truth is that you come from an ugly culture where authentically caring for others is the anomaly, not the norm. you are correct to perceive it as a mental illness, or illness of the heart [compassion], but the cause is not yourself - the cause is fugly culture.

your culture teaches through science that you have no soul, through religion that you are a sinner, through commerce that greed and worship of the selfish is best, through media that nastiness and narcissism is the norm. you come from an ugly culture, and like most cultures, the people reflect the cultural values.

for your average brit or American, it takes a lifetime of work to open your heart and learn to care, and not weakling work, but hard work. it taks a warrior to transcend the dominant messages of cultural programming to seek true awareness and compassion that humans are capable of. begin your training now, and if you succeed, you will be one of the few here who have transcended ugly culture toward a real heart.

a reply to: neomaximus10

Have you suffered with emotional distress? Depression?

I say this because I've suffered with extreme anxiety and my mind has gone through "derealization" - In this state i often felt numb to emotions. I still loved my family - I just couldn't "feel it" at times. My mind went in to protection mode - Maybe yours is in a constant state of "protection" or "alert mode" - Keep in mind before and again, now, I am full of love! I'm a pretty tactile person (I love a good hug! haha). So it definitely was alien for me to feel like this for months on end.

I'm no psychologist. But from what i've experienced i'd say this goes a little deeper. You don't need to express or tell your issues/story to us. I was merely wondering.

All the best to you - stop "trying" to find you - you are already you. Maybe you're searching too much and you've lost yourself in the process.

my advice and it will work after a few hours. youtube "abraham hicks." listen. for explanation why it works what abraham is teaching you can youtube "bashar darryl anka" listen to the Videos that interest you the most.

originally posted by: neomaximus10
i have been very interested the past few month, and continue to be very interested in getting in touch with my true self. when i think about myself, the word that comes quickest is "lost". my mind works a little differently than most peoples...i shall explain. i find it extremely easy to show NO emotion, what i mean by that is when someone i know very well, a family member or close friend gets hurt, or has something bad happen in their life, i cant understand it, let alone feel sorrow or care, or love. i try and pretend to care, but i dont ever get that true "feeling" of care, or sorrow or love. its almost like if everyone and everything was taken from me, it wouldnt bother me, i wouldnt be sad that they r gone, i wouldnt cry, i wouldnt be angry, i would be more bored since i would have nothing and nobody there for me. while i write this i think in my head, does this mean my ego is so massive there is no way to beat it, or am i so self absorbed i am numb to everything and everyone around me? i feel that i have a reason that i am here for, i have no idea what that reason is, and i feel lost because i am so emotionally detached from everything i think.i have been like this since i can remember, and i dont want to be like this, i want to truly care for someone, i want to truly cry because i am truly sad. i want to truly feel feelings...i guess what i am getting at here is, what should i do when i meditate to get this stupid emotion roadblock out of my head, im tired of feeling or lack of feeling...i love helping people, and giving to people, but the more i think of it, the more i think i just do it for myself, not the other person, so i can hear thank you, or man u really helped me out, to make me feel good inside...just typing this and letting it out is making me realize more and more my ego is so big and so bad....i dont consider myself a bad person, and i am kind, polite, and go out of my way to help people every day...i just feel empty because it seems like i do it for me, and not for them...i want to do it for them, not for me, i dont want to feed my ego anymore, i want to "wake up" and FEEL...i know it will be a very hard road to take, and i need guidance on how to be truly selfless, and not think of myself. sorry if this seems like a rant, i just want to get in touch with my true self and find my true feelings, i know they are in there, i just dont know how to let them out....thank your for letting me get thiss off my chest, any advice would be wonderful, thank you.

As a BX Therapist, can say it appears you suffer from Depersonalization Disorder which is in it's leading stage of mild to moderate depression. I'd have to sit down with you to be 100% but that's what it sounds like based off your description.

a reply to: neomaximus10

Love is an action. An action shows a connection between two things. I eat pizza, shows a connection between "I" and "pizza". Love is an action and it shows the connection between "you" and "others".

Giving to others , doing charity , being generous , kind, friendly , being polite to help others feel comfortable, all of that is Love.

Real selfishness is only focusing on getting something rather than giving. Real love is giving without an expectation, but only to help others and make others happy. If you are already giving to others, then you already know what selfless love is. You already know that you can give it (because you already have given it before whenever you gave any money to the homeless or helped a friend without expecting a return).

a reply to: Eunuchorn

This post reminds me of myself in some ways. More or less how I use to be. IMO I feel that you are "lost" in society, I was once like that and am still doing everything I can to stay true to myself and not fall into the trap of society.

It is a rough process, but finding yourself is the first step. We are all different, we all have our own paths. My advice for you is to travel and travel alone. Leave your phone off or away from you, disconnect yourself from society. When you look at the beauty around you, become one with it, understand that a tree is not just a tree, it has grown over years. It took years for it to become beautiful, and you my friend will grow if you allow yourself.

dig deep, think deep.

you're beautiful.

This could be a sign of depression if in the past you experienced emotions more strongly. A lot of times we think of depression as just being sad all the time, but some people experience it more as feeling a whole lot of nothing. When I was very depressed I didn't feel sad, I just felt very distant from everything. I agree with the folks who suggest seeing a counselor.

a reply to: neomaximus10

Greetings and Namaste, my friend. Allow me to explain to you something about God. You see, God is both Emotional and Not Emotional at all. How can this be? It is because God is a Master of this Reality, since He is from a different Reality, beyond the Physical Universe, yet God is within us all.

Our Reality consists of 4 Main Worlds. Let us discuss them briefly from highest to Lowest.

1. Identity
2. Mental
3. Emotional
4. Physical

Each of the above are our multidimensional bodies AND minds. Therefore, we can say Physical Body/Mind, Emotional Body/Mind, Mental Body/Mind, and Identity Body/Mind. Though our Soul consists of 4 different bodies and minds, we are still ONE being. They all work together for you to traverse and function in this world properly.

This is briefly how our Consciousness works. First, we identify ourselves in a certain way through the Identity Body. We identify ourselves as a teacher, a mechanic, a hard worker, a normal human, a Christian, a Buddhist, a housewife, a caring person, and could go the negative direction as a born loser, a stupid person, an ugly person, a thief, a fool, etc.

From this Identification of ourselves, this molds our daily thoughts, which goes into the Mental Body. Thoughts can be good or bad--what a nice day, what a good movie, what a beautiful home, that person is kind, etc. On the negative side, I hate my life, I am an idiot, I always have bad luck, my car is going to break down, etc.

From our Thoughts, either good or bad, it will affect our Emotional Body. The Emotions we have will affect our Physical Reality, such as our daily life, either good or bad. Emotions could also affect the body's well being or health, including the brain itself, leading to depression and bipolar diseases.

What I just described is our Computer System or the Ego. The Ego can be good for you IF you give it proper commands. Otherwise, the Ego WILL control you based on programming by society, your past lives, by your parents, by your friends, by society, etc. This is why being on autopilot doesn't help.

From what I see is that in a past life or even this life, you had difficulty Identifying yourself in a positive way. Thus, as your Thoughts come down the various bodies, you will encounter a Blockage in the Emotional Body. If the Emotional Body has a Blockage, you will not have proper emotions in your physical presence. Having Emotions is good, in a sense, that you will learn the lessons of dealing with yourself and others in this world. It is Healthy and allows you to Master Emotions after a lifetime or more of experiencing it.

So therefore, sit down and have a meditation session. Look deep within you and ask, "How do I Identify Myself?" Remember that you are a Piece of God sent down here to Learn and Experience Life. God is a Being of Great Wisdom, Love, and Power. Begin by seeing yourself with these three attributes. Love Yourself, for you can't love others until you love yourself first, not with the Ego but with Unconditional Love from your Heart. The Ego comes from your Brain/Mind. The Heart is the Kingdom of Heaven. We are all Great Beings of Light, fully capable of Fantastic abilities, including creating our own Reality on a daily basis. Identify yourself as a God being. As you do this, your Emotions will eventually be present and healthy. Because the Blockage no longer be there IF your positive Identification and Thoughts come down into your Emotional Body. Keep doing this on a daily basis. Say, "I AM Peace. I AM Love. I AM God's Wisdom." Do this in your meditations and during daily life.

Next, Identify others as yourself. See God in every person whom you meet. Because they are. They are Pieces of God just like you and I. We are ALL ONE. By doing this, you are Healing Emotional Blockage from falsely identifying yourself and others. When you see God in others, you will feel Great Love for everybody just like you have for yourself. Don't worry, this is only a Life Lesson. Master this Life Lesson, forgive yourself, and then move on to the next one. Namaste, which means God meets God.

May God's Peace and Love be with you always.

Seeking the true self is the best start. But the true self is beyond feelings, so don't focus so much on what you feel since feelings are part of the lower body and not the higher self. The fact that you have little feelings for others is probably a good start as it means you are detached from worldly things so you won't have the emotional attachment pulling you back to your mortal body. But the fact that you enjoy helping people is a good sign because you have compassion, and just because you do it for yourself is no problem, as everything circles around back to the self. Why does it matter if you do it for them or for yourself if they are being helped? So that part is nothing to worry about. Keep searching, you're doing good. Deciding to start the journey is the only way you can succeed.

a reply to: neomaximus10

They live in a different world, the reality that they exist in is a primarily emotional level, and letting go of emotions and giving way to rationality is the higher, mental plane. Not to say that they don't inhabit the mental plane, some of them are on a mental level - they start to observe their own emotions, try to hide their emotions, and even try to pretend to have emotions, however, they cannot control them.

When you are part of the collective state, the collective sense of "feeling", then you are one of them, they act co-dependently, in a system of feelings and emotions, and programmed thoughts.

Because you are in control of your feelings, because you can use you mind to direct your actions, because you can subvert your emotions and take control of yourself, you do not fall prey to emotionality and you do not engage in their world.

If you can surpass the mental level, then you will see thoughts much like you see emotions - when you rise above thought, you will cease to have these negative thoughts about yourself, you will realise, that there is nothing wrong with you at all.