posted on Jul, 29 2014 @ 07:55 AM
In my formative years I already knew her whisper, although at that time I had not learned to recognise her touch I could sense her closeness. I knew
that at some point she must make herself known, I dreamed of her and wondered if I would know her when we met. I used up time back then, squandered it
on the foolish pursuit of finding her. Expectations should be great and hopes by their very nature should be high and so I had both and felt that I
was both… upon reflection I now know that youth can cause the most saddening of illusions
There were those who I let believe that I already knew her, I even searched for her in bottles and psychedelia and the spiritual journeys of those
who might be prophets and yet still she remained elusive. I knew that she must come; I saw her in dreams and visions of such clarity and purity that
they must be real and yet as I reached out my hand all was as mist before me. I saw her lay down storms and great men with them. I saw her whisper
lies to the weak that they might believe themselves giants. I saw her take the innocent and carve them into monsters and the chaff, the husk, the
emptiness remaining - only small, weak, and sterile.
Because I knew that she must come, because I expected her, because we flirted with one another in our youth, I felt her ghost. And I missed that thing
I had not had.
In a suddenness that took away my breath…
There she was, wrapped about me like ruby ribbons, the one I awaited these years. And in that moment I felt as if I had been released by my God into
the arms of daemons, and as I stood at that abyss I saw every circle of hell and every mocking angel and into torment I was caste.
-I remember my first experience, the power I could wield in my self satisfying sexuality, the absolute. That perfect union of the physical and
chemical and I was my own god. I absolved myself in that moment of my childhood –
She was the opposite of that
And ever she chases me, waiting that I might weaken, kissing and cursing and caressing me. Teasing me into another self-satisfied submission
She is always there