How to Let Go of Holding Grudges

a reply to: FlyersFan

I forgive you FlyersFan but I won't forget

Great thread S&F

originally posted by: BlueMule
"Communication only works if both are honest and both are listening."
What if the problem is that they aren't listening in the first place?

It's still better for your own mental health and physical health to not hold a grudge. If something can't be worked out, then accept that it can't be. But don't dwell on it. Learn from it and move along. If it's a toxic relationship ... let go of it and don't look back. If it's a work thing with a boss or coworker ... that is something that is more involved. You have to not hold a grudge for your own sanity but at the same time you can't let people walk all over you or throw you under the bus ....

originally posted by: flammadraco
I forgive you FlyersFan but I won't forget

I forgive you too ... for what I have no idea ... I forgot.

Actually there are very few posters here that I have long memories with as far as holding grudges. I've had people U2U or post and apologize to me for being rude or they've said ... 'I remember we had a fight a year ago' or 'I shouldn't have called you that name' or something ... and I honestly have no memory of it. After 10 + years here, I can probably count on one hand the number of posters that I"m 'aware' of in a negative way while I"m on the boards. I have to try to be aware of their posting style while at the same time I have to try to be rid of my 'negative awareness' of them. But mostly ... any 'tussle' I have had with people here are forgotten within a day or so.

a reply to: FlyersFan

Even the knock down, drag outs that we've had?

holding a grudge always puts more weight on the one holding it, the one they bear it against typically feels no strain whatsoever.

acknowledge it.
address it.
change it if you can.
otherwise, let it go.
walk away.

it'll eat you up, if ya don't.

a reply to: 12m8keall2c

This is correct. Holding a grudge is exhausting. For you and for those around you. I am not a grudge holder. I explode like a light bulb going out. It is bright and hot, then dissipates quickly. It pisses off the wife, as she is a grudge holder that would rather we have a united front.

I just don't have the psychological energy to stay mad.

originally posted by: intrepid
Even the knock down, drag outs that we've had?

You don't call me names ... so no ... I always forget by the next day. Besides ... I have to forgive/forget with you ... you come from the land of hockey.

When it's hard not to hold grudges ... being on the receiving end of insinuations and name calling that is unwarranted, and it rains down simply because the other person is losing a discussion. You don't do that.

originally posted by: bigfatfurrytexan
I explode like a light bulb going out. It is bright and hot, then dissipates quickly.

Sounds like me. Except that mine doesn't dissipate quickly. In reference to ATS it hangs on for a few hours. IRL (in real life) ... it depends. If the problem is from someone I trust or care about, then I"m more hurt and therefore a grudge is likely to hang on for longer.

a reply to: FlyersFan

I have a shorter " solution pathway "

1 - identify the problem
2 - kill the cnut and dispose of all remains
3 - live in peace and deny everything

Awesome topic. I flagged and starred it just from the first two lines.

I've struggled with grudges, too - I think as women we are enculturated to keep our mouths shut more often than men.
Men, as in BFFT's post, are more likely to just duke it out and forget it. But then there ARE times when it's more appropriate to just walk away - get the person out of your life.

Betrayal is, for me, the hardest grudge to let go of. But I've learned how to "undo" hatred, kinda.

I remember years ago one of my co-workers really, really rubbed me the wrong way. I recall praying to God to help me stop hating him. I worked at building a relationship with him - and it succeeded!! It was wonderful to be able to stop "hating him on sight". I've not had that much luck with others -

I have lots of baggage with ostracization injuries/scars that just won't heal. Time and distance helps.

Also - one other thing: It is disrespectful for people to refer to social sciences as "psychobabble", and I wish members would refrain from dissing the profession. It's not like our society is perfect. We NEED to understand.

Again - awesome thread. And I like your new avy!

I don't hold grudges and I don't give free rent in my mind to those that have pissed me off, I don't obsess about it but I have a good memory.
I will never, ever trust or respect those that have betrayed me!

originally posted by: bigfatfurrytexan
a reply to: 12m8keall2c

This is correct. Holding a grudge is exhausting. For you and for those around you. I am not a grudge holder. I explode like a light bulb going out. It is bright and hot, then dissipates quickly. It pisses off the wife, as she is a grudge holder that would rather we have a united front.

most certainly.

my step-father, who has, over the years, been much more a 'father' to me than my own ever was, once told me,

"boi, you just have to let it go, or it'll eat you up from the inside out"

I just don't have the psychological energy to stay mad.

nor do i. I've much more productive things to do with my time left in this realm. 's the way i look at it.

why waste your life's energy and efforts on the past?

you can't change it.

so move on.

learn whatever lesson and just move on.

'a rolling stone gathers no' .... and all that.

originally posted by: olaru12
I don't give free rent in my mind to those that have pissed me off

I'm glad you brought that up. I was going to say something like that in the opening post, but then forgot. That's exactly what a grudge does ... it allows the person you have issues with to live rent free in your mind. Them and the issues. There are better things to occupy a mind with rather than ruminating about how much you dislike a person. (or how much you THINK you dislike a person. One of the 'how to get rid of grudges' points is to talk things over with the person and put yourself in their shoes. Sometimes people think there is a problem but it's really miscommunication and/or incorrect assumptions)

a reply to: FlyersFan

Love this thread! I've been studying Buddhism recently this falls right in line with that.

If you and I (FF and BH) can maintain our relationship through these years and still have the "lively" discussions that we do, I think anyone should be able to. LOL

You have taught me a lot and holding a grudge is worthless. There's nothing good that comes from it. Hugs to you!

originally posted by: BuzzyWigs
Betrayal is, for me, the hardest grudge to let go of.

I hear you and I agree. Betrayal of trust from people who you care about ... from those who should care about you. VERY HARD to forgive. I admit I held a certain grudge for about 4 years against my former best friend. I had a hell of a time letting it go. Now I forgive ... but I don't trust her so I don't bother calling or writing. I just had to move on.

I, personally, feel the absolute worst and worthless grudge anyone can hold is the one they hold against themself.... either out of guilt or wishing they had done something(s) differently.

be it how they handled a given situation with another, which may have resulted in another grudge as well, or, "damn... i wish i'd done this instead of that, with regards life/career choices.

REGRETS

same. same.

acknowledge. identify.
fix, alter or change if you can.
accept.
move on.
don't dwell on it.

you're not atlas ... and even 'he' shrugged.

Remembering betrayed trust isn't holding a grudge! It's a defense mechanism and protection against further BS.
I don't trust a lot of people and they have totally lost my respect. Trivial www. doesn't even enter the picture if you have a life with REAL interests and excitement in your life.

dbl...

mouse problems!!!

a reply to: 12m8keall2c

I, personally, feel the absolute worst and worthless grudge anyone can hold is the one they hold against themself.... either out of guilt or wishing they had done something(s) differently.

Ugh. Isn't THAT the truth!!!

I had the opportunity a few weeks ago to clear the air with someone very close to me - and let them know I felt bad for what had happened between us. It was good. Awkward, but good. Needed doing.