posted on Jul, 19 2014 @ 08:41 AM
I just wanted to write something, share with somebody, anonymously, as currently I really do not have anybody to talk to about it - unfortunately my
friends aren´t whom to share it with (not the most understanding/trustworthy people).
This year has been tough, toughest of my life so far. Unless some magic happens in the next 5 months, it probably will stay so. Since the start of the
year, every move I make towards something I believe in, something I truly want has had disastrous results. I do not know whom to trust anymore. I have
always believed I had lots of friends, possibly even kow I have at least a 1000 people I could call and ask to hang out, yet I doubt I could trust any
of them, I am not sure who are friends and who are not After losing a very good friend of mine and screwing up the relationship with another one, I
have thought a lot on this matter and truly in the end, I do not get people. In the end, for vast majority (besides maybe two or three) of them there
is just two things that matter - self and money.
I quit my job couple of months ago, a job that I used to love. There was a company takeover and the new CEO was just too much to tolerate - the job I
loved, the team and environment I built all turned into nightmare and I just decided to take a pause from it, so I did quit. This rather affects my
current lifestyle as there is not much challenges anymore, rather than financial side, which is the only part of my life, I am satisfied with
Career-wise I did not manage to graduate both of my degrees this year. That is my fault, entirely. I already have degree in other field, so it is not
much of a problem, yet I should have pulled myself together for the thesises, I didn´t, just couldn´t find the motivation.
Relationship-wise this year has been awful as well, at least so far. To be honest, despite being over 25 (under 30), I have never had a real
relationships. I have been with a lot of girl, and I do mean a lot (somewhere between 50 and 100, if not more). I just don´t fall for someone easily.
I have tried it, but so far the only times I have fallen, have been between the first 5 minutes I know the people. I have tried with 2 girls (3 months
with one and 5 with the other). Nothing. If I dont feel it immediately, the feeling will never come. During my 25+ years, I have fallen for 4 girls
total - 2 of them this year. The first 3 have been miserable failures. I am not making my bets on the 4th one either. At least, recent days have not
shown any positive signs.
This month there were five incredibly important things for me, the most important was the girl of course. So far, there have 4 failures, the girl
thing is still 50/50, rather 40/60. In addition due to some idiot (who thought violence is justified, when a stranger talks to your girl out of
boredom, when you are 30 feet away and there is no sign the girl is taken) I broke a rib, which means I am out for the season, so my team is getting
I am just tired of all this BS happening to me. I have always tried to be a good person, tried to do the right thing - I give a lot to charity,
volunteer a lot of my time, help people out without asking anything in return, never fight/insult. I just can´t get it, why do I deserve this. I have
always believed in karma, some kind of force which keeps things in balance. You do something nice and something nice happens to you. So why does
whatever I recently do fail despite it...
I am just so tired of all this. I am not a religious person and nothing can change it, but to be honest, currently I envy people who have some faith
to rely on, as currently I am out of everything. I want to believe something good is going to happen, that things would go better, but I just
Just wanted to get it of my chest... At least a bit less miserable feeling.