Alone In The Darkness: Part II

As I read through Facebook, I begin to cringe.

Everyone else seems to be so happy and successful. They have all managed to build strong, meaningful relationships with others and most have found their significant other. I look back on all the years I have wasted and shake my head. So many regrets and missed opportunities I failed to take advantage of. If only I could travel to the past and do things differently - then I would be happy now.

But who am I kidding? If I went back in time I would not do things differently. I would still end up as depressed and lonely, frustrated and bitter, nostalgic and ambivalent as I am today. The only difference is I would probably feel worse for having had the opportunity to do things differently and failing to do so.

It's hard to believe I could feel any worse, though. So many things wrong with my life and no motivation to fix anything. The lies I tell, the false appearances I put up and the issues suppressed deeply within my soul take their toll. What is the reason for this existence? Why would somebody in their right mind want to experience these feelings?

I've often asked if maybe I "don't want to be happy" and enjoy basking in the pain and misery. But if that were the case, why would I be feeling so bad and unfulfilled inside when inner turmoil and external inadequacy abound?

I keep telling myself that in time I will achieve and succeed, experience happiness and fulfillment. However, by thinking so optimistically I am merely living a woken dream. Realism is closer to pessimism than optimism, I have discovered.

How does one become happy? How does one become successful? How does one become fulfilled? Most people can get through life without a manual, but it seems I'm one of the few that can't...

a reply to: Dark Ghost
I had to get knocked on my bum quite a few times before I finally learned that HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE.
When life had me so low that there wasn't anywhere to go but 'up', my perspective began to change. I didn't like feeling down, so I began to look for things to appreciate and be thankful for. On some days, all I could be thankful about was not that I had a job I didn't like, but that I HAD a job.
The more I shifted my focus to the positive, the better I felt. I hope NEVER to allow myself a negative mind set again; it just makes life too hard for me.


P.S. For me, success is going to sleep at night knowing I did the best I could today, and I will do even better tomorrow.

a reply to: Dark Ghost

I'm going to err on on the side of presumption and guess that your are depressed in a medical sense. Having no motivation to effect change in any aspect of your life is a classic, major symptom of depression. Have you thought of going to a doctor and getting evaluated? Please don't let naysayers tell you that's the wrong approach. There are so many different therapeutic and medical treatments for depression these days. You'll be amazed how a little help can clear your mind, re-orient your energies, and renew your focus.

originally posted by: Dark Ghost

How does one become happy? How does one become successful? How does one become fulfilled? Most people can get through life without a manual, but it seems I'm one of the few that can't...

As long as you compare your happiness, success with others as some form of measurement you will never be happy.

Money wise there are many who just wish they made 50k a year, and the 50kers wish for 100k, and the 100k wish for the 200k, and the 200k wish for the million, and the million per year guy wishes for 10 million and so on forever until you become Bill Gates maybe.

The common denominator is each person is not happy with what they got and they compare their success to the next tier, and so they will never be happy.

Love is the same way, you could be divorced 5 times too, or be living a life of hell with someone you do not love, or you could be happy all by yourself. Once again people compare themselves to what they see as better.

You can drive a nice car and then be depressed when that 100k car drives by....and so on with just about every aspect of your life.

When I find myself going down that path I go the other way and look at how good my life is compared to those who do not do as well as me and it is a quick way to become grounded once again.

Well Like I tell anyone who is searching for that special meaning in life. Go on a journey and find your inner peace. and once you do, you'll be happy =p

I'm in the same boat as you. I feel the same way. Your pain is my pain. I understand you.

But there are things you can do, like don't go to facebook. I know in my limited experience I tend to
shut the world out and would rather be alone sometimes which leads to being alone a lot. I have made
terrible decisions with regard to my life. I've spent time locked up for ... well basically lies. I've been tortured
both physically and mentally.

But it can get better and it does if you allow it or help to make it happen. I have unfulfilled dreams of success but even if
that doesn't happen and I don't eventually find love I'm not going to let it get me down. Ya I see where you are coming from
but that doesn't mean things can't be different. They Can.

There are exactly two ways to go about life:

A) Life lives You
B) You live Life

When you allow life to live you, you create an artificial separation where on one side IS YOU, and on the other side is "life", which you see as something external from you, all the bad things "which happen in life" and how life treats you bad, etc..etc.. and obviously you feel miserable because many things in life may not go so as you would want.

Here is the big secret: Instead of letting life LIVE YOU, you have the power to live life, because LIFE is in actuality YOU and what you make of it. So stop seeing life as being something external from you and start shaping your life actively, you can almost control anything in life, naturally, because it's YOURS.

I watched a great movie the other night, really didn't get the reviews it deserved. The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.

I have lead that life, one of wanting what others had, of not seeing myself in greatness or satisfaction of fantasizing of what my life would be if only...

I fall down all the time, it is how I get up that matters. It is enjoying what I have no matter how much or how little. All those cliches.

Up to you to live your life no one will live it for you. Now when it comes to others and love you need to the best you can be to yourself before you can take on another. Too many of us these days do the opposite and get wrapped up in lives, trying to change someone else when all we can change is ourselves or at the very least our perception of self.

Good luck I know...I AM GOING TO NEED IT TO...figure that out if you can.

originally posted by: nugget1
a reply to: Dark Ghost
I had to get knocked on my bum quite a few times before I finally learned that HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE.
When life had me so low that there wasn't anywhere to go but 'up', my perspective began to change. I didn't like feeling down, so I began to look for things to appreciate and be thankful for. On some days, all I could be thankful about was not that I had a job I didn't like, but that I HAD a job.

The more I shifted my focus to the positive, the better I felt. I hope NEVER to allow myself a negative mind set again; it just makes life too hard for me.

P.S. For me, success is going to sleep at night knowing I did the best I could today, and I will do even better tomorrow.

That's some good shizzle right there!

originally posted by: Toromos
a reply to: Dark Ghost

Having no motivation to effect change in any aspect of your life

This. This is where I'm at as well. I spent 3 hours lying in bed on one of the most beautiful days staring at the ceiling today with this in my brain. I don't want to do anything. Nothing excites me these days, even gaming. I'm losing interest in every aspect of life and find that I don't care about things, people in my life or accomplishments of any kind.
Even the most trivial activity is a chore and I'll take days to get anything "done" if it even gets done.
Apathy seems to be all I have anymore.

Couldn't afford a therapist visit if I wanted to, but, I don't want to either. I'd rather die from this with my brain naturally working than have my mind be affected by pharmaceuticals and be the zombie I see so many others being.
It would be nice to have the hope, energy and motivation that I used to feel years and years ago, but, the way things and people are in this world, this society and my life and all the things I'll never do weigh me down with daily sadness.

I bypassed this thread over the last week or so, not knowing what it was about given the vague title. Not so vague now that I finally clicked and read the contents.

Not vague at all, because it's like you put into words exactly how I thought and felt for a number of years.

I once remarked to my parents some years ago that I'd function fairly well in prison as I was a self-imposed prisoner of sorts. They were angry because it's a flippant and rather ridiculous statement to make, but in some regards it's quite true.

I often reflect on that conversation, their reaction being more angry than anything being the focus of my thoughts.

The thing is, I, much like you, would probably make the same choices if given the opportunity. To me, the choices I made were the ones I wanted to make. As hard as it is to accept I'm simply not like those around me, the people I grew up with.

Somewhere along the lines I veered off into a tangent and it was of my own choice and making, and I think about it quite a lot.

There' was part of me that thought I was perhaps socially damaged. I didn't like doing what other people my age seemed to like doing - and yes, I was quite bitter at times.

But my take on it differs from yours. Recently, perhaps over the last 2 or 3 years I've come to realise that it's not me who's damaged, but society. That doesn't exclude me at all, I'm still part of the world around me, despite my best efforts to distance myself from it - I'm just a product of circumstance and the world I was born into. It affects us all differently, some more extreme than others.

My friends think it's normal to work a dead-end job 5 days a week so that they can get disgustingly drunk all weekend. To me, that's a broken mentality and the reason why my friends don't see me as often as they used to.

Everything you speak of as being successful and happy is born out of conforming to something you'd little choice over when you were born, you don't pick your society and neither does it pick you, it's circumstance.

The point is I don't beat myself up over it, nor the people around me. They made their choices as did I, and like you...I'd probably make the same choices again because it's where my mind took me. But I find myself discussing things and wanting to know about things that don't interest the majority. It was this mindset that led me to spend most of my time reading, playing music, studying. I like to try and understand things...spend too much time thinking as my mother always says.

I think we all make sacrifices, some of us sacrifice self-development in favour of blind happiness, and that's a choice most people make. To me I chose a different path, and it's not easy but I don't think the alternatives are, either.
It's just life and we all play it different.

You're not alone, however. The things you focus on and spend your time on are what shape you, would you trade in who you are and what you know now to be someone else? I wouldn't. I guess you've already reached the same conclusion having decided that given the chance, you wouldn't do it much different.

I think your mind is rebelling against something you don't appreciate so much, that's how I see it. I can be the most friendly and sociable person on earth if I WANT to, I just don't want to very often if at all. I'd happily meet with friends to play chess, but none of them want to do that. I don't expect them to, but try telling them you don't want to consume alcohol and see the confused expression on their faces. Society always told me I was wrong, odd, weird, anti-social, so it's little wonder I became bitter at times.

For me, it seems the only problem or conflict you're having right now is with yourself, a little thing called regret, and we all have them. Even the happy people on facebook have regrets. I have some friends who I see from time to time, but it's not like it used to be. Funnily enough they seem to think I made better choices. I have mates in broken relationships who envy me because I'm single and have no kids, no real responsibilities. they're about as "normal" as a typical, modern day person can possibly be..when they're sober. I've a few other friends who try to give me advice...you should go here, meet a girl, etc. I'd rather meet a girl in a library but they don't hang out there very often!

Maybe you just lost sight of the fact that you're in control. I find writing things down helps to clarify and give new perspective. I know what I want from life but in the modern world it's not so easy, especially when your views are so opposed to what's perceived as normal. But it won't change me, no matter how many people give me "advice" or make ill-informed suggestions as if I'm some sort of oddity that can't function, I've chosen not to function because to me, to function "normally" is to also be dysfunctional.

To me, the things people seem to think are normal are mostly abnormal. I don't do random sex with strangers, I don't work to get drunk 2 days out of 7 - those 2 days are precious to me, that's time I could spend being productive in a way that benefits me and not the people who employ me to do stuff I pretty much hate. I don't lounge around watching TV and don't enjoy being the centre of attention. I like learning new things, even things that are seen as pointless or useless to most others. The only thing that matters with regards to success is have you achieved the things you personally set out to?

I haven't, not yet, but I'm working on it. I refuse to live my life according to how others think I should. I no longer think I'm broken or damaged, I'm just me and have my own ideas of what success is. If you feel you haven't or won't achieve the goals that are important to you as opposed to those around you - then figure out what those things are and work on it.

Regret and envy will eat you, knowing yourself and what's important to you, and realising that whatever choice you make, it won't ever be easy, might be the way forward. If you're basing your regrets on what others' have achieved then ask yourself ...is that what you want, also? How can it be, when you chose the opposite?

It's only human to have regrets about some things. Life's too short for it.

I agree with one thing, medication isn't the answer. It's just a mask, there's a reason why your mind is rebelling, it's because you recognise the broken nature of society and see that what's normal to most people isn't actually normal at all. At least, that's what I think.

I hope you start to feel better without having to change who you are or be numbed by medication.

Flagged and starred for provoking me to be reflective and write things down. Perspective. Thanks.

a reply to: Dark Ghost

Ask yourself "What are you hiding from"? Do you have a deeply buried secret that you are keeping from the social matrix out of some type of fear of judgement or persecution? Unresolved traumas or issues with sexuality, perhaps.

The most miserable people are that way because they lack a fulfilling love/sex life, either because they are insecure about how they look, have serious phobias and psychological issues, or have a sexuality that is currently demonized by society at large.

There are a few options: talk therapy; alternative therapies such as reiki or energy healing; naturopathic treatments such as Omega 3, Vitamin B12 etc; meditation; channeling your focus into new hobbies and goals.

a reply to: corsair00

Interesting perspective.

I don't think there is a deep dark secret that I am hiding - at least not from myself. I am very open and honest with myself when I reflect on my thoughts, feelings and urges.

Just to be clear, I do suffer from Major Depression and this thread was written when I was not in the best state of mind. I am on medication and attend counselling on occasion. But maybe it's time to start an alternative form of therapy like you suggested to help me deal better with those dark days.

originally posted by: nugget1
I finally learned that HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE.

It really, truly is a choice!

When we seek something so fervently, like happiness, we put ourselves in a position where we do not have what we seek. Or we wouldn't be searching for it! There has to come a point of transition, a point where we gain what we perceive we lack.

Such moments may not be permanent, but they can have a joy that permeates through it all.

a reply to: Dark Ghost

What is happening, is that you are living according to a set of desires, and what has happened, is that, you have realised that others are living according to a different set of desires, that are far easier to obtain than yours. What you really want is to have what you want, and because perhaps you have set yourself lofty goals, observing those with simple needs (and simple goals) makes you feel bitter.

My advice is to be proud of what you are, and stand up for it, even if what you are and what your goals are goes "against the grain".

Persevere with what you truly want, not the fear of living up to societies expectations and commonalities.

You can take relationships for instance, many simply do like to be by their own, and you can face it by saying that you want to be alone, even if this makes you look "obscure" when contrasting with the general populace whom desire companionship.

That is, do you simply want it because they have it? And if you did have it, would it really satisfy you?

Myself, I am proud to be alone, a complete egomaniac that has no place in his life for expending energy on other people, totally self-conceited, with delusions of grandeur. Happy to dumb himself down and craft his responses when with others as opposed to acting as his rotten self, because he merely needs to have a social life so he can enjoy getting intoxicated and even have the odd dance.

There, I said it, I'm proud of it.

Oh, ATS, I post here because I need to fuel my thoughts, and I return the favour by posting mine.