The Demented (part one)

On one cold, damp, foggy, snowy, windy, cloudy winter night, Little Sam “The Clam” Van Damme tried to ride his bike. The little tyke didn’t realize it was pretty much impossible to pedal a bike through 4 feet of packed snow, but he tried. His parents watched him from the window, a sad look on their faces as they realized that their little man was quite stupid.

He was only 8 years old, but he was constantly frustrating them with stupidity that seemed almost super-human. He had once thrown a 6 hour tantrum when he couldn’t eat his tomato soup because he was using chopsticks. He only stopped crying and screaming when his mother threatened to whip him with his sister. When they took him to a farm when he was 7 and asked where baby cows came from, his mother told him from the cow’s belly. He ran off saying he wanted to see one and his mother let him play. However the farmer came rushing over to her mere minutes later screaming. In his effort to see a baby cow he had gotten his entire head caught in the cows’ ass.

Little Sam “The Clam” Van Damme awoke the next morning very sore from trying to ride his bike in the snow. He didn’t realize this was why he was sore; he thought it was because in the middle of the night he had been running from his mom who was chasing him with a wooden spoon. She was going to throttle him for accidentally peeing on her head. He tried to tell her he thought he was in his bathroom and didn’t realize he was in her bedroom even though she was screaming at him. When she had finally caught him she was too exhausted to administer the spanking so she decided to hold him down and pee on him. When she let him up he was gasping and sputtering and sent to bed with one swat on the butt with the vacuum cleaner that was nearby.

He walked downstairs yelling to his mom that he was hungry. She beaned him in the head with the toaster and told him to be quiet before he woke his sister up. “Go make yourself a bowl of cereal” she said. He looked extremely puzzled and asked “Cereal, what the heck is that?” His Mother sighed heavily, exasperated at her son’s monstrous stupidity. “It’s what you eat every morning, dear”

He laughed joyously at that “Oh Mom, I don’t eat deer, I eat sweet flakes”

As he poured himself a bowl of cereal he dropped the jug of milk spilling it everywhere. When he reached for it he slipped and grabbed the nearest thing for balance, which happened to be the 2 shelves in the fridge, pulling everything out on top of him. His mom was very upset and picked him up off the floor by his ears, laid him down on her lap and spanked his bare butt with his kitten “Catty

a reply to: mymymy

Kudos for your story! Ha. I think you have a real gift for humorous writing. I truly enjoyed it.

a reply to: brazenalderpadrescorpio

Thank you very much. I wrote a couple for here because everyone is sooo serious, and I tried to be as humorously stupid as possible

a reply to: mymymy

Trust me, from a writer who doesn't have the writer status, it's really funny and very good. Keep up the good work.