My mother and possible cancer.

On a whim, I asked my mother out for the day, which is really something that I never do. No idea what compelled me to do it. Usually I void her like the plague. Was actually pretty perturbed when she showed up because my mother, who has always been a beauty, looked really kind of bad. I'd been expressing some concern over her appearance on the usual once a month mother sighting and asking her if she was certain she didn't have cancer. Well, while we're out, she gets a call back in response to a mammogram done early because her doctor saw what I saw, too. They want more tests, another mammogram and an ultrasound. It doesn't look good.

My mother and I have a strange relationship, some of which I've discussed her on ATS. Strange is probably an understatement to be honest. She's a strange person and for some, it's really palpable. One of my eldest child's friends once admitted that he was usually pretty good at seeing people for what they are but my mother actually frightened him. He said it was like she always wears a mask and he had no idea what was underneath. Pretty darn accurate description and I didn't tell him that I've seen some of what she's hiding or what it was. He was right to be afraid of her. He's a smart kid.

My mother is and was intensely abusive. She's not tried to lay a finger on me since 2009 when I told her that I wasn't taking anymore from her and called her out for what she had done. I had to write out what I was going to say to her beforehand just to make sure that I didn't get waylaid and warned my son that she could be coming and to be ready. Sure enough, she gained entry into our home and knowing what was coming, I grabbed my son and we barricaded ourselves in my room. What she's like in that particular state is disturbing. Cajoling with a saccharine sweet voice that just oozes falsity one minute, screaming rage and trying to batter down the door the next. I was so used to it that I just turned on music loud in a futile attempt to block out her sound but when I saw my son's terrified face with his feet shoring up the door, I knew it really was time to draw that line. He asked me to call the police and I did, first time ever. My mother's mask hides a deep and terrifying madness. Sounds corny but it's true.

I have a lot of questions about all that she did to me but they are questions that I'm too afraid to ask her lest she takes off that mask. She's in my life still because I have those questions and want to try to understand her through a new lens due to things that I have uncovered about what was all done to me when I was younger. It's not hard to do as long as I participate in her masquerade. As she always said, you get more with sugar than you do vinegar. but now this: She might have cancer and she doesn't look good at all.

So I'm sitting here, waiting and trying to figure out what all I'm going to do should she have cancer. I've already resolved to take care of her as long as I can because that's what I can live with. I don't have to be her and exact some sort of revenge. I have to show her, or maybe just myself, that I am so unlike her that I can do my best in the coming months to care for her in the worst situation without malice. If it is breast cancer, the survival rate is good and then it'll only be helping her through all that needs to be done to eradicate it. If it's terminal, I'm preparing myself for hell.

Her father was very much like her. Always liked things just so and under strict control but when it came to be his time, he descended into total madness. He spent his last days strapped to a bed with boxing gloves on his hands to keep him from ripping out his catheter. I know that that is what will happen with her. Stoic resolution and strength at the start and madness as that clock starts clicking down to zero hour when she realizes that this reality is not in her control. Not going to lie, I'm scared and I don't even know if she has cancer or not yet.

What's wrong with her mind will not provide me with any deathbed confessions or even hope of making amends or peace. I know better than that. I'm not a fool and know her well. I'm not going to get any answers. So I'm dealing with both reality, what if's and waiting. It's bad when confronted with a possible dying parent. It's messy and conflicted when it's one who is/was terribly abusive.

If it's nothing then, at least I will know just what I'm going to do when the time does eventually come. Guess that's the silver lining of this experience.

Wow, sounds like you've been through hell. Amazing that you care enough to look after her. First of all I had cancer a couple of years ago and am still alive. For your Mom If it is cancer and it hasn't progressed too far, it is curable, but it is different for everyone. I guess right now all you can do is play the waiting game.

May I ask if your Mom was on any medication for mental problems? If not, it sounds as though she should be. I wish you all the luck in the world.

I very sorry.
Good luck with everything.

reply to post by WhiteAlice


My heart goes out to you Dear One. I know how hard it is to spend a lifetime wanting answers to questions of why we were treated the way we were, being a member of a toxic family.

May I ask if you have siblings that could share the responsibility of taking care of your mother, should it come to that. A burden shared is easier to carry, than alone. Your mother does sound burdensome.

I know I may be facing the same as you in the future with my own mother. I've had no contact with her in over 8 years due to her mental issues.

I guess I'll have to look deep within to see if I have anything left to give to her. At least I have siblings that may take her on, they hope to gain financially from her will. If they see she has in anger once again written them out, she may be left all alone.

I personally feel, you have no obligation to her, if she is looking to not be thankful for your help in her time of need. If she thinks she's entitled to anything from you.

Some questions we'll never know the answers to. Therapy has helped me accept that and be OK with it.

I wish you the best of luck and good health to your mother.

Des

Sorry to hear about that I also just found out my Mom has stage 5 in both breasts more testing to see where else its affecting.

Do what you need to to get some closure for yourself out of this if you discover the worse. I know you won't get the answers, but you can at least satisfy yourself that you did what could when it needed to be done. And if she was as you describe, don't you dare allow yourself to feel guilt for any of things that won't be said.

She just called, lol. They want a biopsy but I am actually relieved already. If it is cancer, it's really early so it'll be the much easier path of driving her around for a bit and guaranteed survival. It's kind of funny to be relieved despite cancer still not being ruled out but just knowing that prognosis even at this stage, regardless of type, is a massive relief. HUGE relief. The funny thing was that, when I assured her that I would be there to help out if need be, she turned on that stoic and strong attitude and snapped at me a bit. I pretty have her behavior pegged.

reply to post by Night Star

She's never been diagnosed with anything. The one time that I expressed my concerns about her behavior to her father was met with extreme hostility on his part. Ergo, there is nothing wrong with her even if the rest of us say that there is something wrong with her. To her, she doesn't have a problem. I do. You can probably guess how that goes.

reply to post by Destinyone


Ours is a strange family. She does have a living will and that came up to debate years ago. My sister has a kind of robotic coldness to her. She was the one who'd take animals for rides or get them euthanized. Our nickname for her is kind of bad. My mother is actually afraid of her but put her in charge of the living will because my being the warmer and more empathetic of the two would make decisions harder for me. Was one of those few nice things that she's said about me over the years even if my having a pulse irritates the hell out of her. But that's also why I would argue my being the one to care for her should that time come because I can still be caring even in the face of monstrosity--though sometimes I think that makes me as equally broken as my sister.

I went through the whole therapy thing a long time ago but some things came to light over the past couple years that both eliminated the possibility of ever trusting another person in the field and raised some pretty awful specters. I get why she was abusive. It's her nature. It's other things that were done that are something that aren't so easily resolved. Sometimes answers just lead to other questions.

reply to post by woodsmom


Allergic to the truth is a perfect way of putting it. I hear you loud and clear. And it's freaking hard when confronted with their possible death. I cannot even express how relieved I am just knowing that, if it is, she'll be fine. I can't tell if that relief is being happy for her or being happy that I don't have to deal with what she's likely to be like in the case of long drawn out terminal illness yet if that day should come. Suspecting the latter might be a good part of it makes me feel like a jerk but she is what she is. Don't apologize for saying that you're right now in the same boat. I just got off the grim boat to the "that's better even if it's not good" boat. Honestly, it felt really good getting how I felt and what I feared off my chest. The last 48+ hours have been awful because of this. I couldn't even think straight.

A lot of times, I act tough and cynical when it comes to the subject of my mother. I'm "used" to her. This kind of thing can really resurrect a whole lot of chaotic emotions. I've been walking into walls. Not kidding. I've got a little relief now because I know it's further down the road where I'll have to put my actions where my words are.

It is synchronicity. Not 10 minutes after I finished posting this, she called. It was kind of silly and I thought "should I have posted it?' I'm glad I did because now I can be there for you as you wait because I know I was going out of my mind just waiting.

dulcevida
Sorry to hear about that I also just found out my Mom has stage 5 in both breasts more testing to see where else its affecting.

Dulcevida, I'm so sorry. We got kind of good bad news-biopsy and if it is, it's really early so it's not advanced yet. Hang in there. Metastatic cancer is such a scary scenario. I really, really hope she beats it all. My thoughts are with your and your mom.

dulcevida
Sorry to hear about that I also just found out my Mom has stage 5 in both breasts more testing to see where else its affecting.

I had breast cancer and if I can help ease you through this or answer any questions, you can send a private message if you'd like.

Alice, I'm glad that you are relieved. Be prepared for lots of doctors appointments and further testing.

Hi,

I don't have time to write what I would really like to, but PLEASE BUY SOME APRICOT SEEDS!! - They may or may not work, but they worked have worked for many.

I will come back and read this thread again, stay strong and 'try' everything.

Peace and Best Wishes
OE123

Edit: Woah, this was not what I expected to read! Thank you so much for your honesty!

I can't advise you I'm afraid, your situation is delicate and complex.

My 'opinion' however, is that you need to talk to her ASAP. Regardless of the facts, I very much doubt she is happy with herself and the choices she has made.

Good luck, there are better people on here than me to listen to.
I lost Mum to cancer too, but she was my best friend, so the opposite end to your situation.

Don't forget the apricot seeds!
Warm wishes OE123

Night Star

dulcevida
Sorry to hear about that I also just found out my Mom has stage 5 in both breasts more testing to see where else its affecting.

I had breast cancer and if I can help ease you through this or answer any questions, you can send a private message if you'd like.

Alice, I'm glad that you are relieved. Be prepared for lots of doctors appointments and further testing.

Thanks and I'm so glad that you survived. Her doctor is setting her up with a "coach", who was a breast cancer survivor herself, or at least that's what she told me when I offered my support. I got pretty rebuked but she's still going to need me if the biopsy comes back bad. I don't care how tough she thinks she is. I've been on lower does of chemo drugs for other reasons so I know how much chemo can kick one's butt at even a non-cancer treatment dose. She's going to have to take some help at some point if that biopsy isn't good. We're both relieved by the assurances that it is so very early and that she will make it through. Kind of silly but she was pondering whether or not they'd slip in a second boob job (insert a facepalm here) for the non-affected breast because she'd been "wanting a reduction anyways". Only my mother but at least that is more like her than watching her mask crack now and then in the middle of a mall.

reply to post by WhiteAlice


Yes, the chemo can kick your butt. Made me sooooooooo exhausted and weak. All I wanted to do was sleep.

Night Star
reply to post by WhiteAlice

 

Yes, the chemo can kick your butt. Made me sooooooooo exhausted and weak. All I wanted to do was sleep.

I used to drink a couple gallons of water on the days that I had take it and it seemed to reduce down some of the nausea. I felt like I had the flu all week on a dose that is half the minimum dose for the treatment of cancer. So basically, flu 24/7 for a couple years. I'm wondering if it'd barely make a dent when taking double or even quadruple that kind of dose. Did you ever find anything that helped alleviate it?

I'm actually kind of worried that my mother really doesn't know what it's going to be like if the one thing she's focusing on is the plastic surgery portion and dismissing any idea of my helping her. She wasn't around me much when I was on chemo drugs so she really has no clue. She has a pretty long history of avoiding me totally when I get really sick. I was medically suspended from driving for a good part of the last year and she didn't even offer to drive me to the grocery store although she lives 5 minutes away and is retired. My neighbor did that. Part of me thinks that my decision to help her is just part of the conditioning from the abuse when I think about her own history of dealing with me when I have been sick but then I think that if I drop her like a hot rock, then I'm just like her. I guess, though, if she's firm that she isn't going to need help, then it takes that issue out of my hands entirely.

For the nausea I was given two kinds of pills. I remember after my first day of chemo I didn't think I'd need them so soon and didn't take them that day. Sure as hell I was running to the bathroom with my head in the bowl. LOL I never missed a day after that. What I found difficult through my second round of chemo was that I had already been on that stuff for months and I am on 3 prescription meds that make me dizzy so I always felt like I might pass out and I was only slightly nautious but enough to annoy me. So towards the end it was rough but I made it! Hopefully they will offer the meds for nausea.

reply to post by Night Star


I hope so, too. I'm half regretting saying that I'd be there for her now. She called a few times yesterday and the calls were really unpleasant. She said she was afraid so I tried reassuring her that my sibling and I would be there to help her out. She ended up yelling at me about how she didn't want to talk about it. She apparently looked things up on the net, which her doctors told her not to do. I kept trying to remind her of what else the doctors said in terms of how early it would've been caught so she'd be okay. She just kept yelling over me about how she didn't want to talk about it and she was afraid. She did finally hear me out and then instantly calmed. Started fighting with me on a half a dozen things after that. I honestly think she just wanted to yell at somebody and who better than her old whipping child?

Her routine has always been good behavior when she felt on thin ice with me (she's been on very thin ice for the last couple years) and once she feels comfortable, it's a persistent attack on my person, character, intelligence level, and god knows what else she can figure out. I guess knowing that I'll be there has made her comfortable. The switch came faster than I expected so I was wrong about that. I'm sure the stress of her situation is part of that and god knows, she's probably drinking more to boot. Part of me is now thinking that since she responds so poorly to my assurances of being there for her, I should pull it back and just stop answering the phone. I told her that I would help her out through this. I didn't give her a license to verbally abuse.

reply to post by WhiteAlice

In many ways...its too late to make amends or get any kind of understanding how things transpired in your lives.

But what you can do now is to go forward and make the best of things as you can. Try hard as you can to start anew....and then go from there.

A lifetime of anguish cant be summed up in a few months or years. But, it can become evident with time. And for you, I hope it does. Make the most of the time....no matter how long or short.

God Bless......Best MS

reply to post by mysterioustranger


Thank you. My children are my rays of sunshine and I make sure to tell them how glad I am that they are in my life every day. I willfully halted the cycle of abuse in my family and these days, even when one or both of my own parents are up to their old tricks, I have something that I didn't have for all those years prior--a family that loves me. I value that above all else.

reply to post by WhiteAlice

Friend? Then above all else...youre blessed. Good luck.....MS

WhiteAlice, I understand your concern and fear. I hope you can get your answers from your mother. My Gran was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and is going under the knife to have the cancer and thyroid removed this Wens. I'm more worried about the surgery than the actual cancer. She is a little woman and has never done well during surgery.

Please keep us posted on your mother's condition and the outcomes. Listen about the apricot seeds. They really helped me over the years with growths (non-cancerous) and I think they could help her too.

reply to post by WhiteAlice


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