That Thing About Women

This will be a strange thing for me. Creating a thread. First time I have ever done so. Ever. Anywhere. I'm so private a person, I've never imagined doing it. I may even be sick about it tonight. What in hell?

I was in a car crash a few days ago. Not major. The car only rolled over a few times, and my sister and I walked out of it. Not her fault as the driver, but she couldn't make a good correction when hit. I am only glad my window was rolled up. Car in shop. Bruises, soreness, a little shock to deal with. But alive. What more could you want?

I am having a bit of a self-pity party for one.

If you have ever felt such complete sadness and do not know why, as if you know something bad is coming, you just feel you are getting ready to lose something important. And your heart is breaking. That feeling.

I am no stranger to trauma or heartbreak nor car crashes I might add. So it is not so shocking as it may be for someone else perhaps. But I have been thinking these last days... there was no one to exclaim breathlessly that they were glad I was alive. No one to say that they couldn't have imagined losing me. No one to grab me up for a minute or two in safe arms. It seems silly perhaps, I freely admit. Perhaps, it simply made me realize a few things more deeply than I have for a while.

Self pity is loathsome thing, but there it is.

I know men have some minor (or even major) axes to grind with women for some things. We can be big headaches sometimes. (Just like women have their axes to grind with men too.)

But gentlemen, I could really find comfort in hearing something good about the women in your lives.

What is it about women that you love? What would you miss?
It can be anything at all. It all matters. If you are single, tell me something about your mother, your sister or your friend. It can even be about what you would miss about women in general.

Tell me something sweet about the woman in your life. What would you miss about *her*?

reply to post by StarlightNine

Sorry to hear you're feeling low. You know that given time, you'll make it past this point in your life. Take the opportunity granted to get whole.

What would you miss about *her*?

Everything.

Maybe you and your sister need to grab hold of each other and say you're so glad you didn't lose each other, couldn't live without the other, and can't believe you are both ok.

As far as women go... my first love was a woman (bisexual here) and I've really never had another girlfriend because simply none are her. She's now my best friend though rarely see each other due to distance/being busy. She was also a mother figure for me for many years when I didn't cope well with life even though she is younger than me. She is the fundamental female in my life and I feel honored.

My boyfriend of ten years feels primarily female but that probably doesn't count

Thanks for your post.... it was really nice for a moment to think positively on women, not that I'm negative but so much I read is and it makes me really sad.

I'm glad you survived and send love your way.

Ill play

Currently single and loving it, not in any hurry to find a girl and am happy to wait for the right one for me rather than just get a girl so Ill talk about my Mum.

I love my Mum coz I know no matter what she will always be there for me and have my back 100%.
Even now Im in my 30's and live 6000KM away Im still her little kid and though it drives me crazy it is nice to know someone is worried about you.

I dont tell her enough that I love her and appreciate all shes done for me, youve inspired me to send her a big email.

Glad you made this thread, S&F

reply to post by StarlightNine


S&F

glad you're ok...

Tell me something sweet about the woman in your life. What would you miss about *her*?

Her touch... the way she looks at me...

Her laugh is like music to my ears, her voice sooths my soul...

I'd miss every second I spent with her, and every inch of her being... and do right now

Oh lord.. Why me?

To answer your question first: I love my woman because she is tough, realistic, and has balls. But, on the flipside I have to roll with a hothead. I'm one that likes to leave no trace, and she never backs down from a fight.
Now this seems crazy but once we grew up and learned to compromise, made clear our shared values and worked as a team; our differences and conflict became strength against our many unjust enemies.

I hope this personal input helps...always know that you have your ATS family.

reply to post by StarlightNine

My daughter, she is AMAZING. I am not saying that because she is my kid, she is just a really cool person. If I could line all the kids in the world up and choose one, it would be her. That's just her though and I know I am bias so here's the rest:

Every woman I have ever gotten involved with has either stolen money from me then left, left because they thought I had money problems, or just flat out wanted money from me from the get go. All of them. My mother, I got deployed for 4 years gave her power of attorney. She used it to take my pay every month and put it in her exhusbands account who used it to pay the mortgage on his house and his car payment every month. She told me she was investing it in real estate for me the whole time. I don't talk to her anymore. I was married. I got deployed again, gave her power of attorney. She not only emptied my bank account but also spent all of the money I had in a large trust for my kids college. Sold my car and my house before I got back too. Left me homeless with a minus 900 dollar checking account and my child in cps custody. And I was engaged once. She left me because she thought I was broke, I wasn't, I just said I was to see what would happen. Then 5 years later actually messaged me on fb and said she loved me and missed me, I gave her my number and said we could talk. First thing out of her mouth was how are you doing financially, I hung up and changed my number. I was engaged another time and had to go out of state for a job, got back a month later, our joint account was empty and she was gone. I have been on one date in the last 4 years. It's not that I don't meet women, I do all the time. After about 10 minutes of talking they ask me what I do and I say something silly like I work at McDs as a fry cook or Wally world as a cashier and they instantly turn from interested into snobs and tell me to get a real job. lol I actually am financially secure, not rich but I have more than enough to last me the rest of my life. I won't ever make the mistake of telling a woman my finances ever again or my real job ever again. Until someone accepts me if they think I am poor, and women don't do that. It seems that money is the on/off switch in women's hearts. Well, the ones I have met anyway. Before every woman on this site flames me and says, "I would NEVER do anything like that, I love my man!" horse pucky, you would leave him in a minute if you thought he was broke and met a guy that was loaded and said he wanted you. Keep lying to yourself lol. Another problem I have with women. I am a single father. No mother involved at all. If I happen to get past the I am poor thing, I tell them that my daughter lives with me and they run like I pulled a gun on them or something. I can't count how many times I have heard, "Ohhhh Billy, I really like you but I can't do the instafamily thing." BUT then, most women my age already have kids as well and expect guys to accept that. Such hypocrisy, it's astounding. Let the Billy flaming begin rofl.

After ALL of that, I am still a hopeless romantic. I WILL meet someone one day that just wants to be loved and adored without having access to a single one of my bank accounts. It will happen. One day, there has to be one out there somewhere

reply to post by StarlightNine


My family and friends would miss me if I was caught up in some calamity, and failed to walk away. No doubt, if I survived some cataclysmic event, there would be some sort of party once the dust had settled. I would insist upon it I think. Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum. For a start!

Nothing deeper than that though. There most certainly would be no breathless, whispered pronouncements, uttered into my ear during a rib breaking embrace.

Obviously, if any one of the female persons, that I know, were in a life threatening scenario, I would be shaken and sad, especially if they failed to survive the event. I would hate to wake up tomorrow, knowing that I would never see my mother, my sister, or my best friend Kerry again, just as a few examples.

My mother is just a legend, and the passing of legends is always sad. I would miss my sisters sense of humour, scathing sarcasm, and vast appreciation for silliness. I would miss my best mate, for all the reasons one could miss a best friend. There is no one on the planet, who is greater company when in the pursuit of a good gig, or a bloody fine evening of drinking and craziness, not to mention the fact that we seem to take it in turns to pull eachother through, when one of us seems incapable.

That thing about women.

WHEN YOU FIGURE IT OUT LET ME KNOW.

god..

reply to post by StarlightNine


This is not a pity party. It's ok to have these moments. Even though you say you are used to car accidents, for some reason this one, at this time, got you thinking.

Two and a half years ago, aged 40, I met my first real boyfriend...I'm no innocent, I just went down the string of lovers route. And, while I enjoyed that time, as my peers cotched down, I had a few moments like yours... I talked a client from suicide, got them the help they needed..exhausting, but rewarding. I so wanted to turn to someone, get a hug,someone to say well done, you must have been scared....

My twin sister got burgled and her kids were scared for so long that home wasn't safe. I would have loved someone to support me while I supported them...

Women aren't the problem; it's human to want someone to acknowledge your life and all it's mysteries and events. And not just human. Recent studies show dogs really are in tune with owners' moods and respond accordingly. And it's pretty obvious they love their owners acknowledging them!

Ok, that was a bit of a ramble..I was aiming for empathy but I have flu and aliens stole my logic. But I, for one, am so happy you didn't get hurt.

reply to post by Holographicmeat


Not flaming you but you've had a string of bad luck with women. I could tell the exact same story of the men in my life...

So here goes... First a junkie husband dead of an overdose who financially ground me into the dirt, next I started a business with an intelligent but sociopathic boyfriend who took all the material stuff and left me with the debt, then an alcoholic who wanted to have children then couldn't cope when it happened and left me with two babies. Haven't seen him in fourteen years, not a penny of support and he lives half an hour away. I've always either had good jobs or just worked within my limited means such as when my kids were born.

Moral of the story.... I am the connecting factor. I was too trusting, I chose people who would use me, I didn't have the self esteem to expect better.

I've been in my present relationship without a single fight or argument for ten years now because I chose an honorable person.

Don't let it poison your future and remember if you are picking women solely for their looks you can expect trouble.

Since your mom started this financial abuse with you be careful of projecting...my stepson (who I had children with his father) continually relives the abuse his father dished out within his connections to other men, who let him down over and over.

I wish you luck!

A collective thank you, to those who responded with their thoughts. As well as those who had to dig deep and still couldn't find anything lovely. We don't always like to spill our feelings on the floor so others can slip on them, and as I mentioned, I would probably regret the post, and I have. Only there is no delete button here. I am keeping that in mind for future.




Anyone can watch a film depicting love and happiness, but it is just that, a conjured story and not a real one. Reflecting perhaps, our ideals of what we would want, and what may exist out there, but still a conjured depiction. So I more wanted something raw and real.

However, it is a conspiracy board, not Dear Abby. So don't know really what I was expecting. haha Although I admit, I thought it possible that a pause from the doom for some lighter thought would seem welcome.
But a thanks, nonetheless. I am not feeling that loathsome self pity today, as the sun is shining so brightly after the long, dreary, cold sky.
How can one feel self pity when these flowers, with their still shy colors, have decided to finally take a peek at the world?
Not I!

reply to post by StarlightNine


I would miss her smile, her smell, her taste, the way she always worries about even the little things pertaining to our children. I would miss the way she pretends she doesn't want me, when it is so obvious she is playing hard to get. The way she looks when she wakes up and tries to hide her face because she hasn't put on her makeup yet. The way she speaks in riddles yet somehow I know what she is saying. I would miss her emotions and our conversations, I can't even imagine what it would feel like to lose her.

stok3th3fir3
reply to post by StarlightNine

 

I would miss her smile, her smell, her taste, the way she always worries about even the little things pertaining to our children. I would miss the way she pretends she doesn't want me, when it is so obvious she is playing hard to get. The way she looks when she wakes up and tries to hide her face because she hasn't put on her makeup yet. The way she speaks in riddles yet somehow I know what she is saying. I would miss her emotions and our conversations, I can't even imagine what it would feel like to lose her.

The way she speaks in riddles yet somehow I know what she is saying. I would miss her emotions and our conversations...

Thanks for that. I like that you said you would miss her emotions. All of it actually, but I liked that part...

reply to post by StarlightNine


Thank you

reply to post by StarlightNine

The car only rolled over a few times

Only rolled over a few times ... ONLY rolled over a few times? ... ONLY ROLLED OVER A FEW TIMES???
Geeze, Louise, Starlight! How can one come away from a teeth-rattler like that and NOT question the protective cocoon we envision around ourselves all the time? Those kinds of things will always send us into emotional stupors for a while. So glad you and your sister came out of it so well.

But gentlemen, I could really find comfort in hearing something good about the women in your lives.

This is an interesting question to ask at a time like this for you.

The longer a man lives with a woman the more he comes to realize he's dealing with a species of hominid that has come up through a totally different line of evolution. The programming is off just enough to be never quite totally be in sync with yours, but, eventually, they start doing things that make you wish you had some of that quality in you. If you did, however, you probably would be less happy that they’re in your life. And that’s not to say I haven’t contemplated divorce in the past!

This girl I married 35 years ago is a killer negotiator, among other things. I’ve seen her take vendors apart in Mexico! It helps that she’s Hispanic, herself. Doesn’t really look like it but she can use that to her advantage when people don’t realize she’s fluent in Spanish and often better at it than they are. She also understands the Hispanic mind better than I ever will. She grew up with it so it’s better than learning it from Rosetta Stone or somewhere like that. We’re partners and the older we get the more we become “buddies”. If life had not conspired to keep us in one spot we would have done a lot more traveling by now, which is what I’m good at.

That being said, however, the emotional side of a woman is what is always the most difficult for men to, #1, decipher and, #2, get along with. It’s the most out-of-sync part of the whole proposition and the one I have to keep the tightest reign on like a responsible owner of a pit bull. I have formed the theory that women are really behind every war in history from Helen of Troy to the present. Y’all start the wars and we have to either finish them or walk away. It’s just the way you’re wired between the ears and all that exists between the ears is everything that you are. It’s the thing that men have given their lives for countless times through the ages without even stopping to think about self-preservation …. well, most of the time anyway.

Ollie769
Only rolled over a few times ... ONLY rolled over a few times? ... ONLY ROLLED OVER A FEW TIMES???
Geeze, Louise, Starlight! How can one come away from a teeth-rattler like that and NOT question the protective cocoon we envision around ourselves all the time? Those kinds of things will always send us into emotional stupors for a while. So glad you and your sister came out of it so well.

Aw. I know. It was rather frightening to be honest. At the time though, you know. You just sit down outside looking at the vehicle you were just in, and think... damn okay then. Only when I returned home did I feel so strange about it.

StarlightNine
But gentlemen, I could really find comfort in hearing something good about the women in your lives.

This is an interesting question to ask at a time like this for you.

The longer a man lives with a woman the more he comes to realize he's dealing with a species of hominid that has come up through a totally different line of evolution. The programming is off just enough to be never quite totally be in sync with yours, but, eventually, they start doing things that make you wish you had some of that quality in you. If you did, however, you probably would be less happy that they’re in your life. And that’s not to say I haven’t contemplated divorce in the past!

This girl I married 35 years ago is a killer negotiator, among other things. I’ve seen her take vendors apart in Mexico! It helps that she’s Hispanic, herself. Doesn’t really look like it but she can use that to her advantage when people don’t realize she’s fluent in Spanish and often better at it than they are. She also understands the Hispanic mind better than I ever will. She grew up with it so it’s better than learning it from Rosetta Stone or somewhere like that. We’re partners and the older we get the more we become “buddies”. If life had not conspired to keep us in one spot we would have done a lot more traveling by now, which is what I’m good at.

That being said, however, the emotional side of a woman is what is always the most difficult for men to, #1, decipher and, #2, get along with. It’s the most out-of-sync part of the whole proposition and the one I have to keep the tightest reign on like a responsible owner of a pit bull. I have formed the theory that women are really behind every war in history from Helen of Troy to the present. Y’all start the wars and we have to either finish them or walk away. It’s just the way you’re wired between the ears and all that exists between the ears is everything that you are. It’s the thing that men have given their lives for countless times through the ages without even stopping to think about self-preservation …. well, most of the time anyway.

Aw! I know what you mean to say. You know, I do know that we aren't the easiest of creatures. And you know, we are always looking for a way to forgive a man. Even in anger or sadness. We're just waiting for that one little thing. I don't know if it's that 'mothering' thing in women or what it definitively is. And that is not to say men don't look for ways to forgive women too. Only that women are nurturers as you know. We need to do it. You guys make it hard like we make it hard perhaps. And you know, you men don't make it easy on us women either. No. Oh, no.

But I speak generally, Ollie.

And men, well they are protectors. They simply are. It is as real to me as anything is, as I was raised in the patriarchal society, and I don't have a problem with it. I think this is what I was feeling. The missing of a piece? In distress or worry or panic, you turn to a protector naturally. I am not saying there aren't strong women who protect themselves. But I think you know what I mean. I don't mean to create a gender or sex war. It is simply that it was quite distressful, and as much as my sister and I were glad for each other with each other, the comfort was different, you see.

I think I wanted to hear what someone would miss about me if that were possible by hearing what you here would miss about the women in your lives. Yes, living vicariously.



You're not blaming us for Helen are you, Ollie!

reply to post by StarlightNine


Whatever was going through Helen's mind I'm sure wasn't as it was portrayed in Brad Pitt's movie! There was a lot of dies being rolled there.

I think I wanted to hear what someone would miss about me...

Ouch. Starlight, my favorite anarchist, it can't be that bad! You'd have to be someone Hitler or Stalin would be afraid of in order to not be missed so I think you're safe!

We're just waiting for that one little thing.

I'm pretty sure your writing is a "stream of consciousness" kind of writing but I'll try and jump in there and say it does work both ways . It's a yin-yang thing on both sides. There has only been one or two women, that I can remember, that I've actually hated being around in all my adult years. The male-female, female-male relationship just wasn't operating and it was quite evident from the beginning. It's just one of those things you know and feel - mostly in hind sight. That being said I still carry a huge flame for Kathryn Hepburn!

The more difficult a needed task is the greater the reward is in the end and the relationship between the sexes is a life-long struggle. Personally, I think it's part of the edification of the soul, that I described elsewhere on this site, regardless of how it turns out in the end.

Ollie769


Whatever was going through Helen's mind I'm sure wasn't as it was portrayed in Brad Pitt's movie! There was a lot of dies being rolled there.

Absolutely. And they are always simply that, unlicensed depictions. Although I am not a Pitt fan per se, he was looking rather well in the film as were the other actors I must admit.

StarlightNine
I think I wanted to hear what someone would miss about me...

Ollie769
Ouch. Starlight, my favorite anarchist, it can't be that bad! You'd have to be someone Hitler or Stalin would be afraid of in order to not be missed so I think you're safe!

No, it isn't that bad. I did say I would more than likely regret the thread. And I do of course. But the feeling is gone again. It pops up once in a while over the years, but always goes away again. I think it was the small crisis that caused me to feel such a way. The life flashing before one's eyes, and what is one leaving behind as legacy, and who will mourn my passing. Those sorts of musings, you know. I am once again the Bionic Woman. Which I always am in my mind, you see. Able to lift city buses, bend prison bars and what have you. My decades long solitutde has been a choice, therefore I have felt well with it, and only have myself to blame for it. It doesn't mean that I haven't wanted a 'relationship' only that I don't want a bad one, and so have been waiting rather patiently for all the pieces to align where they should. It has not happened yet, and so I carry on. Still thinking about who is out there mind you, but not regretting I chose to isolate. There is a lot of absolute crazy disgusting things happening out there that I am glad I have been missing. But there are times however....

StarlightNine
We're just waiting for that one little thing.

Ollie769
I'm pretty sure your writing is a "stream of consciousness" kind of writing but I'll try and jump in there and say it does work both ways

. It's a yin-yang thing on both sides. There has only been one or two women, that I can remember, that I've actually hated being around in all my adult years. The male-female, female-male relationship just wasn't operating and it was quite evident from the beginning. It's just one of those things you know and feel - mostly in hind sight. That being said I still carry a huge flame for Kathryn Hepburn!

The more difficult a needed task is the greater the reward is in the end and the relationship between the sexes is a life-long struggle. Personally, I think it's part of the edification of the soul, that I described elsewhere on this site, regardless of how it turns out in the

Well I think it is simply people that are hard. Whether the relationship is man/woman, woman/woman or man/man. It is just people that are hard. One shouldn't put women as a whole in boxes and neither should women do this to men.
There are some deplorable women out there, as there are deplorable men. So I like to think it is people that are either decent or not, and not so collectively.

When I said that women were waiting for any reason to forgive a man his wrong to her, this is true. We are not the evils of Eden men so want to portray us as, despite our sometimes strange nature. We will take quite the heavy load until unable to do it anymore. But always looking for that way to make it right again or better.
Men don't always see this or want to. But we haven't kept the home fires burning since the dawn of time to be suddenly evil as a whole. Don't you think?

I know for a fact that people can survive without love. But we are made to love and be loved. The only reason I can think of to deny oneself love is that you do not know how to have a relationship or you continuously pick the person that is destructive or abusive or indifferent. In some cases, you see the awful mess all around you and choose not to participate. You simply want to wait until the best, the gentle, the wise comes along. It isn't an easy road to take. But sometimes quite necessary. After a time, and only the person living the life can know when, you begin to realize that the solitude has served its purpose. But I think all people were made to love and have love.

Sometimes men frustrate me because they don't see the good thing when it's eye to eye and nose to nose with them.
I guess you could say that for women too. But it was times like that accident where it all comes home to me. Times like that I get so frustrated when people deny themselves or others love. For stupid, meaningless reasons.

reply to post by StarlightNine

…It pops up once in a while over the years, but always goes away again. I think it was the small crisis that caused me to feel such a way. … I am once again the Bionic Woman. (Atta girl) … My decades long solitutde has been a choice, therefore I have felt well with it, and only have myself to blame for it. It doesn't mean that I haven't wanted a 'relationship' only that I don't want a bad one, and so have been waiting rather patiently for all the pieces to align where they should.

I read this and I think "there's another ME out there!" The older I get the more the thought crosses my mind about what happens if my wife goes first? Would I even think about starting up another relationship? The answer has always come back with an emphatic NO!, especially at my age. By this time in life the baggage one carries around is hugely cumbersome. I wouldn't know where to begin trying to explain MY baggage, let alone deal with someone else's. It takes YEARS for me just to get to know someone.

Not too long ago I realized that the best jobs I'd ever had were the ones where I either worked alone or had a lot of autonomy. Here I am a rancher, now, and all I want to do is work on the ranch, alone. I do rant and rave that the son doesn't make it out now and then to help and I appreciate it when my wife can fill in because a second set of hands certainly gets things accomplished much faster. However, the solitude - ahhh! I've enjoyed solitude since I can remember even as a child. You either have that or you don't. As you did say, however, that twinge of loneliness does creep in once in a great while and you have to deal with it, but then it moves on as all emotion does. Personally, I think it's simply brain chemistry of the moment.

If you DO want a relationship to come your way, however, you have to occupy a "target rich environment". I hope you don't deny yourself that.

Well I think it is simply people that are hard....

There's the rub. There is no such thing as a relationship that doesn't require you to adjust something about yourself in order to maintain it. Whether it's divesting or severely restricting a former joy, attitude, possession or what have you or acquiring a new skill (dancing would be mine - I detest things that I'm completely incompetent in) to please a new "significant other" there is always a cost. There is so much I wish I knew when I was 20+ but I doubt I'd had the intelligence to make use of it.

But we haven't kept the home fires burning since the dawn of time to be suddenly evil as a whole. Don't you think?

Absolutely! It's not the fire in the hearth at home that a man looks forward to seeing when they come home but the woman that maintains it and the home because she has a mind to do so. It must also, I might add, be grounded in love as you've pointed out so many times before. If men would see the woman in their life as a true and equal PARTNER with different, yet essential, job skills life would be so much easier all the way around. Unfortunately all too many men can't even begin to even ask their wives what they think about a subject and try to understand it. Yup, been down that road and drank the Kool-Aid a few times myself and regretted it.

I know for a fact that people can survive without love. But we are made to love and be loved. ...You simply want to wait until the best, the gentle, the wise comes along. It isn't an easy road to take. But sometimes quite necessary.

And, again, I agree with you. I've wanted to have some kind of conversation like this with our daughter. Long story short - met a guy, made an absolutely gorgeous baby, guy's a deadbeat, she and our grandchild live at our home now (she lost her house), no child support but he gets to see his child because lack of child support is no reason to deny him that in Texas. Where's a hit man when you need one? Both I and her mom knows she hurts and wants a relationship with a good guy but finding one has eluded her all this time mainly due to the damage this guy has done to her perception of men her age. I fear she's a little TOO much like me and enjoys her solitude too much. What's good for my age is not for her's. She's damaged her prospects in life on many levels despite her stellar work ethic.

Sometimes men frustrate me because they don't see the good thing when it's eye to eye and nose to nose with them. I guess you could say that for women too. But it was times like that accident where it all comes home to me. Times like that I get so frustrated when people deny themselves or others love. For stupid, meaningless reasons.

Priorities and perspectives. That’s so much of what it all boils down to. In a world that is so connected, where you can see everything all at once, when so many choices, perceived and actual, present themselves to you it becomes virtually impossible to commit one’s self to anything that rings of permanence regardless of desire or social pressure. As ignorant as people were of their own psychologies, knowing how to get along with a spouse up until the very last of the 20th century, it was still easier to marry and stay together back then because all you had to deal with was basically what was in your very narrow field of view. It’s why people flock to Texas for a life that’s perceived as simpler, easier, better … dang it! If I deny myself love in this life I fall back on my personal belief in reincarnation. There is only so much one can accomplish in one lifetime.