Ladies Don't Fart!

Let me start by saying my lovely wife of eleven years, the mother of our two girls can be a little rough around the edges. I mean she did marry a Marine and being a country gal she has no prob throwing on a pair of Farmer-browns and putting in a good day of honest hard labor.

Still if I were to invite you over to the house to meet her, I guarantee you would come away thinking, now there is a real lady. One who takes great pride in her femininity and being a little rough around the edges is quite capable of smacking down anyone who argues that point.

Okay, so were all on the same page, good...

Saturday was my day to make dinner and I made chili dogs and Frito pie, smothered with lot's and lots of chopped sweet red onions.

There the four of us were, pigging out on our entirely bad for you, Oh so fattening, nutrition free, God I ate to much, banquet... When my dear sweet darling wifie-poo 'Rips A Big Ripe Stinky One'!

My daughters turned their surprised, wide with wonder eyes upon me, obviously expecting me claim credit for such a wonderfully loud and clamorous emanation. But no, I'm a firm believer in credit where credit is due. So I look the girls each in turn, winked and with a smile calmly said,

“Mommy Farted.... HAHAHAHAHAHAW....!”

Have you ever seen the old Photos of Hiroshima after the bomb was dropped. The ones where people were instantly vaporized but their shadows remained, left burned into the building they stood besides.

Well that's what it was like when my wife turned her angry glare at me.

As I withered in my seat I could feel the paint on the wall behind me start to peel and crackle as a result of the fire in her eyes!

“Ah-hum... Ladies do not fart!”
“Sure ya did...HAHAHAW...You cut lose a real...”

That's when my oldest attempted to come to my rescue,
“Daddy... No...!”

My eyes flicked from my daughter to my wife and in that moment I understood how a dog can sense an earthquake before it hits.

“Honey...?”
“Don't you honey me mister!”
She said in her firm, 'Your sleeping on the couch' voice.
“Come on baby... It's nothing to get angry about...”
“I'M NOT ANGRY...”

OoooKay then..... Just let me go raise the storm flags to warn the rest of the world that Hurricane Jessie just made landfall in Southwestern Colorado...

I started to get up to make a hasty retreat and felt two little red laser dots over my heart. Target acquired, ready to launch daggers!

Desperately looking for a way to defuse what had turned into a volatile SITREP, I paused and cut loose my own 'Big Fat Stinky One'.

“Damn, that one's making my eyes water!”

My wife just sadly shakes her head at me, but with a small laugh says
“Your disgusting you know that right?”

I nodded my agreement and just like that the sun came out and all was right with the world again.

Men Fart, ladies pass gas, demurely...And it smells like lovely roses....

So if you ever get that mixed up, trust me when I say, those ladies will set you straight. with prejudice and use of deadly force if required...

Mom used to say:

"Ladies don't fart...they fluff."

But then there's my wife...



Peace

reply to post by HardCorps


HAhaha. I don't dare ask what Frito pie is, but it sounds like a mega methane producer.

Your wife is right. Embrace that idea.

Ladies pass gas or fizzert, and delicately at that.

Everyone better fart ... otherwise they'll spontaneously combust!
It's all explained here

...they just whisper in their panties.

Really though my ex-wife giggled EVERY time she farted.

started me wondering "who did I marry?"

reply to post by HardCorps


like ladies or women? there is erotica to corroborate otherwise

They don't poop either. Oh, that floral spray in the bathroom cabinet? That's just for, uh, fragrance purposes. Yeah.
But seriously, I wish. Stinkyness makes me feel most unladylike. Only the truly egoless can emit it and laugh...

reply to post by EllaMarina

Only the truly egoless can emit it and laugh...

Then you've never met my ex.

reply to post by aboutface


Frito Pie

Frito pie is a dish popular in the Southern and Southwestern United States, whose basic ingredients are chili, cheese, and corn chips (specifically Fritos). Additions can include salsa, refried beans, sour cream, and rice to jalapeños. Variations that are sometimes referred to as walking tacos, Frito boats or tacos in a bag are made in a single serve corn chip bag topped with various ingredients.

Having recently relocated to the south from the northeast, I had heard of it but never experienced it until this past year.
Definitely a unique dish, but oh so damn good too!

reply to post by youdidntseeme


okay put some doritos on top of some chimichungas, i like putting mexican cheese blend on top of the chili i put on top of the doritos on top of the chimichungas, some sour cream, salsa instead of chili. i call them texican pillboxes cause i make them before watching band of brothers. remember chimichungas or it doesn't mesh well. burritos get dry in the microwave. the end effect is that after all the melting it looks like a german pillbox that got exploded. seriously you should eat a tablespoon of arm and hammer beforehand.

LIES!!

Women don't fart!!

the insanity!!!

Maaaaaannnnn, I had an ex gf when I was back in high school, we were playing rummy at the table and her MOM ripped one enough to make your eyes water. Of course, being the guy i was, said nothing, but her little brother just busted out laughing.
That should have been a sign to cut all ties (not the cheese)...
A few months later, same gf and I are at the movie theater, and SHE rips out a SBD (silent but deadly) that if the theater was full, it would have emptied it out...
Fast forward about 10-15 years later, I was being intimate with another one and she rips one..I wont say anything more then that but you get the picture...

just let one go in the bed and pull the sheets over her head sealing in the aroma to see how much they really love you

i sleep downstairs a lot

999zxcv
just let one go in the bed and pull the sheets over her head sealing in the aroma to see how much they really love you

i sleep downstairs a lot

That my friend, is called a 'dutch oven'
used to pull that on my son's mom ALL the time...

HomerinNC

999zxcv
just let one go in the bed and pull the sheets over her head sealing in the aroma to see how much they really love you

i sleep downstairs a lot

That my friend, is called a 'dutch oven'
used to pull that on my son's mom ALL the time...

my favorite is in the winter wait till she is asleep and get your feet nice'n cold and jump into bed and put them on her botty the divorce lawyers love you for it

reply to post by 999zxcv


My last ex tried doing that to me, but she hated the fact I like the cold, but when I did it to her, she'd jump 10 feet out of the bed LOL

HardCorps

"Ladies do not fart!”

Well... duh. They sprinkle glitter.

reply to post by HardCorps


I didn't know what I was getting into until I married my wife. She's still a beautiful petite woman, but she can compete with the men in our family. She didn't earn the nickname "Sparky" for nothing. She's like old faithful, about every 15 minutes there's a spark. She actually scared the hell out of me in the middle of the night. I was sound asleep and all of a sudden this massive noise startled me out of my sleep and I fell out of bed. We both laughed so hard we were crying. I've always told my wife if we could capture all that gas, we would never have to pay another utility bill.

No, women don't fart until they get married. Than all that gas they kept a lid on for so many years as ladies is let loose like a stampeding herd of buffalo, after they say the famous words "I do."

reply to post by HardCorps




"Cup of cheese"

I got proof they FART!!
Hope this doesnt violate &C:





I'm sorry, I dont care HOW old you are, farts are STILL good for a laugh!!!!