Well here's my introduction, long read I think

Should start off by saying I don't usually share to much about myself anywhere, I don't tweet, I don't post on forums(Til this post, but I've come here/read for years), I like to read/soak up information/theories, whatever. I just can't keep all of this inside. I have no friends(only 3 I'd consider even friends) I could share every bit of this to. So if you have the time and are feeling empathetic, here's my story.

My name is Jay and I'm 25. Been shy my whole my life, I've had a disability since birth or close to it, when I went to the doctors in my early teens they had no idea when it started or what caused it, how to fix it, etc. I dropped out in 7/8th grade(yup dealt with CPS and all that), just wasn't my thing. I guess I was part of the that generation who got a computer when they were 10 right as the internet was taking off but I digress. Combine already being shy, a physical disability that limits how much I can walk/stand, and my growing disdain for the average person, and you get someone who doesn't go out much.

I was raised by my mom and her parents, they passed away in 07 and 10. We had a big falling out with my aunt and her son, the only immediate family. Since then it was just us and our now 16 year old dog. She had lost her job in 06 but we could barely get by on her social security(And later a reverse mortgage, which I'll probably get to later). I'm sure you can guess she passed away, on Jan. 10th. Which also happened to be the day I decided to get # faced hammered for the first time in a year or two. The last words I heard her say was "I feel like I'm dying". It was a complete shock, she had trouble breathing, obviously concerned but when I got to the hospital I didn't expect they would say she had gone into cardiac arrest as the ambulance arrived their.

Now to say she was everything would be an understatement. She did everything for me. I've never been able to get or hold a job as my body has just continued to deteriorate. I have no income, no money(No insurance or anything like that), no car or even an ID, and of course no 'on paper' education and that's what matters right? My aunt and her son have been like vultures into the house. I can't keep track of everything they've moved or just taken. One good thing they suggested that failed but not because of them was telling me to try to apply for any kind of emergency services/help from the state.

I don't have a car or a driver's license and walking anywhere isn't an option. So being able to get places rests solely on my cousin who had moved in here about a year ago. He get's 1 day off during the week. I started the process, met with a social worker, told me I had 10 days to do everything she had laid out. Get an ID, meet with SSDI or something like that, go to 2 medical exams, get the lawyer who did the reverse mortgage(I have no idea who this is/was/who she used) all of it due by the 14th. Tried to get an ID that day, found out I can't. I have my birth certificate and SS card but not a single thing else they'd take as a 'point of ID', no GED/Diploma, bank statement, work stub, any bill in my name, etc. Everything else was scheduled for the 13th, my cousin's day off, and also the day that where I am in New York, got 13 inches of snow. I call my worker the following day(Of course she wasn't in with the snow the past day) to let her know and hopefully get the deadline pushed, but nope she kept repeating the same lines of "Well Mr. xx if I don't have all that paperwork you're going to be denied", didn't care that I have one day a week to do anything and that one day got killed by an avalanche.

Now during all of this going on, sometime around the first my girlfriend(of 3 and a half years) sends me in part "Had a super #ty day dealing with the usual family bull# and then to top it off John posted something stupid to my wall about waking up next to me. Don't have a clue why he would post that other then to be ridiculous and start drama. Just once I wish I. Could have a decent #ing friend. anyway I hope your not mad.or upset with me. I bitched him out and told him not to talk to me till.he grows up." Of course it freaked me out a little but she had never given me any reason to not trust her. Fast forward to Valentine's day and I see she's going to a concert with a bunch of friends and him. I was already depressed over not being with her for the day(We live about an hour and a half a way and she doesn't have a car she could just take so we relied on parents or friends to see each other) but that made it worse and I obviously couldn't not think of what he had said and now they were going to a concert on Valentine's day. I bring it up and she says they are just friends and asking if I don't trust her, etc. I said of course I do I was just feeling down already and couldn't keep the question out of my head. A bunch of babes and I love yous later and the conversation was done.

The next day I see a comment under one of the pics of him saying "Last night was one of the best Valentine's days we've both ever had", I shoot off a text asking about that and get "You're reading to much into things" with some other bull#. Again it ends with me believing her. then yesterday he posts

"Just want to say how much you mean to me [tagged her] It has been 502 days since the first time we have talked and and been together and no matter how crazy things get nothing has changed how I feel about you.Every day when we are together we are learning more about each other and always. It is so nice to be able to wake up and bring you your coffee and start our day talking about anything and everything. Just enjoying our every minute together. As long as we can do this everyday we can overcome anything and accomplish anything we set our minds at wanting for our future. I love you more every day we are together yet it still feels like it is the first day."

So of course I'm devastated, I was thinking if anything was going on it was a somewhat recent thing. But 502 days? At that point I commented on it saying how that was fantastic news since her and I had been together since 2010. And posted a screen shot of the message she had sent me at the beginning of the month calling him a douche bag/saying he's making # up/loves me etc. We get into it, I write this long text and she says she has no idea what I'm talking about, says she hasn't seen the newest post. About 20 minutes later I get "You just couldn't leave it alone and let me handle it". A telling thing to say right? If it was just bull# and he was delusional why couldn't I call it out? Within about 10 minutes of that I, and everyone she knew through me, had been blocked on everything she could think of. Even had her sister do it to. I had also been blocked by the other guy. And even after all of that we were texting and she she was still sticking to she didn't know what he was saying, instantly saying "You don't trust me?" to flip it around, etc. She said she would call me after she talked to him to "tell him to # off" but when I asked after some time if she had called him I got back "Yeah I #ing called him" and still haven't received one and she won't even mention it when I'd bring it up. The last time we were together was a day after my mom passed. She was here for a few days but had to go home but said she'd only be a few days. Saying she loved me and would help me with anything, be there for me. Every time we'd talk about a day she'd come down something would come up or happen that she couldn't. But always making plans, me telling her I couldn't wait because I had a couple of conversations(The I should've/could've did something, why did I drink that night/morning, etc) that I wasn't ready to have right after what happened. Obviously I never got to have them.

What I can't get over is how big of a hypocrite she is. One of the first things we both said to each other was that we both would never lead anyone on, if we didn't want to be with someone we'd say it(Pretty important to me at the time because I had just got out of a 6 year relationship that ended with just lie after lie but me not saying anything out loud because I didn't have any proof). And always ranting against anyone who cheats, lies, etc. I was in no way prepared for the '502' days thing. The only hint of anything started with that first post on Feb. 1st.

So putting together my world passing away, having no money or way of making any, having to look into what happens to this house or what I can do to keep it because of the reverse mortgage(Which I'm scared to because you know, banks), my girlfriend who I loved unequivocally seems to have been cheating and lying about it for a year and a half, the fact that if my cousin(Who is already looking for a way out for himself) and I didn't mutual make the choice to withdraw my mom's February SS check we'd be in a frozen house and would of run out of food weeks ago, I'm developing some kind of issue with a tooth that is causing a pressure/slight pain behind my ear to the back of my head but of course I can't get it looked at, and not to mention my dog has been in failing health and I'm realistic about how much longer she'll be around. I just feel like I'm at rock bottom. I've lost everything I loved and needed. I've felt gross writing all of this, I always handle stuff internally, always felt it was wrong, like I didn't want to be a burden sharing my problems with someone who of course has their own set of issues but I just don't know what I'm going to do. I feel hopeless in every facet of my life right now.

I could of written so much more but I think I'll stop there. If you manage to get through it, thank you. I don't really know what I expect from this, I don't know if there is any advice to my situation. I'm not saying I'm suicidal but my mind can't help but see it becoming an option. Anyway, thank you again if you actually gave this a read.

After reading all that....I'm at a loss for words, except for....

Welcome!

Can you try to get on welfare? There has to be help for you somewhere. My heart goes out to you sweetie. Don't give up trying. Hello and welcome to you!

Just want to say that I'm so sorry that things have gone so downhill for you. All I can say is hang in there and keep trying to plow on ahead even when it feels like you're wading against a tidal wave. Welcome and I hope that we all can give you a little respite.

Night Star
Can you try to get on welfare? There has to be help for you somewhere. My heart goes out to you sweetie. Don't give up trying. Hello and welcome to you!

That's basically what I applied for and when I missed the deadline, denied, emergency assistance, SNAP/HEAP, whatever would help/I qualified for.

reply to post by AbstractDespair


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reply to post by AbstractDespair

hello jay . try and stay positive ... i know its hard when lifes going sh ite but it does help .... and dont get another gf straight away have a break from women for a bit ... life will get better ....

reply to post by AbstractDespair


Hello there. I will say hi because I'm going to do mine soon

Hi Jay, all i can say im sorry about your situation and how people have let you down ( specially aunt & gang and gf of yours ).Let the girlfriend go, it looks like she is using you as a spare tire, she is not worthy of you. I hope you get your problems solved out and find some good people who have heart in the right place and make new friends.

Hang in there...when everything you try doesn't work - you have to keep trying, try something else, try something different, try harder...just keep trying. Never give up in yourself but do give up that girlfriend and don't look back.

First of all, let me say how sorry I am that you have had to go through so many difficult things in your life. Right now you're still dealing with grief and loss, and to top it off, you also have financial worries without the ability to work.

Your girlfriend that you trusted who turned out to be a cheater and a liar is definitely a difficult blow for you. (Welcome to the wonderful world of dating.) This is yet another loss you have been forced to endure, and it is painful and humiliating.

HOWEVER....having acknowledged all that, let me also say that, no matter how low you get in life, suicide is never the answer. It may seem like it is, but as the saying goes, never seek a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Whatever you're going through now is for a higher purpose. It may not seem like it....life may seem like some kind of a cruel joke and a pointless exercise in futility, but there is always a brighter day ahead. You may need to reach out to others....churches, charities, etc......things will get better. There is a reason for all this. Don't let one overworked welfare worker dissuade you from going forward and getting your needs met.

Reach out for help. It is out there.

I'm sorry I'm new here and don't have much other than my sympathy... I hope it all works out in the end! REMEMBER! Everything happens for a reason!

I don't usually read long intros, but yours sucked me in. I am sorry you have had such a hard time in life lately. Sometimes when it rains it just keeps poring doesn't it? I know the feeling.. especially that feeling that things are hopeless and impossible. It's hard to see it now, but once you hit rock bottom the only way to go is up.

Something will present itself to you allowing you to get out of that situation. I honestly can't say what it will be, and it may be hard for a while but you will look back at this stage in your life. You will realize that you made it through one step at a time. Eventually things will seem more normalized and you'll be proud that you were able to overcome.

As for the issue with the girl.. I know this won't help but you're better off without her. The worst pain you're ever going to feel is the kind she dished out to you. Women have the ability to strike a man down quicker than any physical blow ever could. The lies, the betrayal, there's nothing worse! Time is the only thing that will help with it, and it will get better. It's another thing you'll look back on and be glad that you are rid of!

Oh, and welcome to ATS!

reply to post by AbstractDespair


Warm Welcome to the ATS Family. I know you'll find new friends here. You express yourself openly...people will be drawn to your nature.

I wish you the best of luck in finding solutions to your current problems. Don't give up. Tomorrow will be better. At least you have a place here, to get some ideas and feed back from other people who understand your back ground.

Des

Dnt giv up good things come to those who wait..and welcome to ats

They should cut you some slack on that deadline with the big snowstorm happening. What you may have to do is re-apply and get a new deadline (but get all your stuff lined up since you now know what's needed). If they don't give you a new deadline for extenuating circumstances, get on the phone and call some politicians, who hopefully can pull some strings to get you a new or extended deadline based on your situation. If that doesn't work I'd try calling the media...if you don't mind putting yourself out there I see personal interest stories like yours from time to time and then the embarrassment of public exposure can maybe get them to give you a new deadline.

Sometimes girlfriends don't work out. The average person has about 7-8 partners over their lifetime. Some are lucky enough to be married to one their entire life, but I think that's the exception and most people deal with finding a new partner, I'm sure you can too, it's just unfortunate you have to deal with it while all this other stuff is going on.

nofear39
reply to post by AbstractDespair

 

hello jay . try and stay positive ... i know its hard when lifes going sh ite but it does help .... and dont get another gf straight away have a break from women for a bit ... life will get better ....

It's really hard to do that. I'm just so discouraged. And I know that's sound advice but I've pretty much been in a relationship for 10 years and I've come to really rely on having that one person, and to have all of this stuff come to light at pretty much the worst time is killing me.

dollukka
Hi Jay, all i can say im sorry about your situation and how people have let you down ( specially aunt & gang and gf of yours ).Let the girlfriend go, it looks like she is using you as a spare tire, she is not worthy of you. I hope you get your problems solved out and find some good people who have heart in the right place and make new friends.

Again the same above, and it's kind of hard when I'm losing faith that most people don't have their heart in the right place and hard to make new friends when you have social anxiety ;(.

FissionSurplus

[...]

Reach out for help. It is out there.

Just want to say I'm not one to believe in a 'higher purpose' type thing, just not for me. And I guess what this partly is I guess, I just don't know what could actually help me though.

Wookiep

[...]

Women have the ability to strike a man down quicker than any physical blow ever could. The lies, the betrayal, there's nothing worse!

Oh, and welcome to ATS!

edit on 17-2-2014 by Wookiep because: (no reason given)

Yes they do, I just had believed their was no way she'd ever be like that, let alone to the extent it looks like. She's still sticking to the story of he was making it all up, but she's still being standoff-ish on most texts and still no call ;\.

Arbitrageur
They should cut you some slack on that deadline with the big snowstorm happening. What you may have to do is re-apply and get a new deadline (but get all your stuff lined up since you now know what's needed). If they don't give you a new deadline for extenuating circumstances, get on the phone and call some politicians, who hopefully can pull some strings to get you a new or extended deadline based on your situation. If that doesn't work I'd try calling the media...if you don't mind putting yourself out there I see personal interest stories like yours from time to time and then the embarrassment of public exposure can maybe get them to give you a new deadline.

Sometimes girlfriends don't work out. The average person has about 7-8 partners over their lifetime. Some are lucky enough to be married to one their entire life, but I think that's the exception and most people deal with finding a new partner, I'm sure you can too, it's just unfortunate you have to deal with it while all this other stuff is going on.

I asked that and nope, I would have to reapply. But I still don't know of a way to get an ID, everything I've looked into says I need things I don't have. I'm just not that type of person, I had to work up the courage to write/post my OP on here, no way could I call any politicians/media. Again I just feel so discouraged and downtrodden.

And thank you for everyone who said welcome and offered any advice, I'm simply a wreck