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We blocked Out the Sun - ATS (feb 2014)

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posted on Feb, 14 2014 @ 04:26 PM
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The 5th year has started to pass me by
Since the Nuclear Winter still shrouds the sky
These memories have been the only stone
While passing time in my bunker alone
Soon I'll be safe to go outside
Maybe another soul was left alive

Reminiscing of a simpliar time
When the news of the day was the biggest crime
the popular media kept us all uninformed
While ATS predicted the future swarm

We just droned along from day to day
While the narcissistic dictators laughed in our face
Israel had warned us from time to time
but the current administration was so damn blind

Well, my stomach aches, its dinner time!
A fresh can of spam with the finest Wine.

edit on 14-2-2014 by overanocean because: spelling

edit on 14-2-2014 by overanocean because: spelling

edit on 14-2-2014 by overanocean because: adding ats to title for contest




posted on Feb, 14 2014 @ 08:36 PM
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Ah good one. Like the dark logbook like theme. The rhymes don't feel forced, you've chosen not to rhyme to the letter and that let's it flow more naturally. You kept close to the theme you started out with minus the jumping from one poetic image to another, that seems to be the norm nowadays.

I have however some remarks. For English is not my native tongue they are more questions than criticism, cause I'm not sure I pick up the right vibe on finesse, if that even makes sense.

You begin the second line with since. Might it be better to leave Since out to get closer to the telegram stile you seem to use throughout the poem?

My second question is about the past en present sense you use. I have a feeling that they are a bit mixed up here and there. For example:

You place the present time 5 years after a nuclear winter in a bunker alone.
Contemplating a time where the msm kept us all uninformed while ATS predicted the future swarm.
While I feel it is not completely incorrect, I feel that looking back on ATS, in that future situation, you might look upon that predicted swarm as being current?
Current referencing to the administration however feels off if you mean the administration that screwed thing up 5+ years ago?

All this of course is me grumbling because I fancy this display. (Old folks are like that somehow.) The overall setup and construct off your poem is what I like to see in poetry. And that includes the light hearted ending with a humorous Volta. The topping on the cake.

I like to see you bite your way into a Sonnet sometimes. You already display some raw skills in that direction right here.

S+F



posted on Feb, 15 2014 @ 10:15 AM
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reply to post by D.Wolf
 


Thanks ,
I dont mind constructive help. Im going to learn alot from reading all the other posts as well.
This is the first time I've actually exposed my writings to the public.
Thanks for enjoying the twist at the end , I wanted to show some humor about being stuck in the ground, and forced to dine on potted meat products, but still having the spirt for a fine wine with a nuclear hell right above my head, showing the drive of the human spirt .
I appreciate your advice , I do want to take my love for writing alot further.
I actually build furniture by trade , so my writing is a driven hobby.



posted on Feb, 19 2014 @ 10:44 PM
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reply to post by overanocean
 

Nicely done and I hope you will continue to contribute. There are a lot of wonderful people on this forum who will encourage you and take the time to respond. Peace my friend.

snf



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