Relationships require space? Says who?

I don't understand why people often say "healthy relationships always require space, you can't be around each other constantly." Ugh, did I miss something? Is this some unwritten relationship rule that we're supposed to follow? I find it annoying.

Let me tell you a little story, ATS.

Recently, I was with someone for a few years, someone I didn't hate, but I didn't love either. I was fifteen when we first started dating, which means I, of course, had no clue what was considered a "healthy" relationship, via lack of experience. We fought constantly, and he frequently accused me of cheating on him on numerous occasions. I was not allowed to hang out with my friends without him around--and if I paid a little too much attention to my friends, Oh boy did I have to answer for it. I hadn't realized it at the time, but I was on a leash. During the time dating this person, I was one of the people who said "I need some space."

Well, how else was I supposed to live?

He made my life a complete hell. Literally EVERYTHING offended him somehow, and he has a major, false disposition of honor, believing that he is somehow above all other people, and living in a higher mindset than everyone else on the planet. He's made those claims to me before. I am not exaggerating at all. I wanted to be alone and away from him for as long as possible at a time... it was rather nice to feel as though I could breathe. And again, I liked being with him in doses--because if we rarely saw one another, we were a lot less likely to fight--but if we were together for too long, something would spark and we'd be at heads again.

I could never spill this stuff out before, and I only ever said nice things about him (including on ATS) when others asked how my relationship was going. As a few of you may know, my family has quite a bit of drama attached, along with some of my friends, and more drama was the last thing I wanted to initiate, so I always kept my mouth shut.

But over the past half a year or so, he and I finally broke it off for good, and my middle school best friend and I fell for each other. Even just as friends, I always felt like I cared for him more than any of my other friends. I dreamed about us being together a couple of times, but I never thought anything of it (I never allowed myself to think that way about him, because of the restricting relationship I was in, I couldn't afford to feel that way, ya know?).

Now, I feel almost exactly the OPPOSITE of the way I felt before.

I always wanna be around him, hugging him and holding him. I love cuddling and watching movies, I love when we draw together, I can't stand for us to be apart. Even being in separate rooms for too long makes me anxious. A month or so ago, I spent the night at my mothers, and I didn't sleep the entire night, or the day following. I found myself unable to sleep without him with me.

Now we're engaged

In the first relationship, I hated hearing my friends whine about "not feeling a spark" or whatever when they were dating someone, because I was under the impression that being with someone was SUPPOSED to be extremely tiring and stressful. I always told my friends, "Relationships aren't fairies and pixies, they require a lot of hard work" (which is partially true, but the intensity with which I often said this was exaggerated quite a bit).

Now, I understand they're feelings.

"Feeling a spark" is a complete understatement.

I can't look into his eyes without melting.

Every time I think about a family problem, or a recently deceased loved one, or any other problem that my life could possibly manifest, looking at him smile honestly makes it all vanish. I know it sounds corny, and I swear to God, I never thought I'd find myself saying this about anyone, but he honestly is my human medicine.

He also gets uncomfortable and anxious when I'm not around him for a while.

We love each other more than anything on the planet, and we hold each other every time we're angry, or sad, or stressed out about life. We don't create space between one another to mend the problem, because that only results in feelings of abandonment, loneliness, and an even greater lack of understanding regarding your significant other's problem.

When someone you love is upset, doesn't it make sense to be there for them?

Its a lot harder than "giving them space." But its the right thing to do.

My fiance and I never fight. And on rare occasions when we have a disagreement, we mend it within ten minutes. My ex boyfriend and I would fight for hours and hours, and it was a daily routine (when we lived together).

Now, my point here is, if you find yourself in a "Damn, I need space" relationship, you might want to evaluate the relationship. Its usually really hard to see the problem from the heart of the beast, ya know? So look hard. If you feel like you don't get away enough, like you don't get enough time to yourself, and like your partner's simple presence makes you feel as though you're completely on hold--like you can't say or do the wrong thing without initiating a confrontation--then you may be in an unhealthy relationship.

I realize I'm just a kid, 20 years old, but I feel as though I have the right to make these evaluations because of my recent drastic change of perspective. I feel as though I understand dysfunction much better than I ever have, because for the first time in my life, I'm not living inside of it.

My family, then my first relationship, both have been highly dysfunctional, and I didn't realize it because it was normality to us. Now, having escaped the dysfunction and now able to see it from the outside, I have an objective view of life that I've never had before.

Just saying, for those of you who haven't climbed out of the dysfunction yet...

My story may help for other people like me to see the problem from the inside.

If you love someone enough, you never want to give them space, especially not when they're upset about something. That is the time to act, to tell them what they need to hear, to show them how much they're loved, and hug them through it.

Don't settle for someone who makes you feel uneasy.

SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE!

It will ROT you from the inside out, until you find that you're no longer capable of caring for human beings, especially your partner. Being with an emotional, controlling manipulator will wither you dry, so please, GET OUT!

*Sigh* .... That's my relationship rant for the next year or so.

Nighty night, ATS~

What a douche. You don't have to constantly be around someone for it to work. He obviously didn't realize that. There's more to a relationshipthat he didn't realize. I think your better off whith
out going into details since I'm on a phone and it's a bit** to type.

reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX


I think healthy relationships require co-independence, and that may or may not manifest in needing 'space'. That depends on the dynamic of a particular relationship. But co-indepence and 'space' shouldn't be viewed as interchangeable ideas. I've been in a longterm relationship where we were 'tied to the hip' and that worked for us really well. Ive been in another which absolutely needed that space and it still worked great for us. I don't think needing space means there is something awry in a relationship (per se), it could just be the nature of the couples compatibility.

Congratz on being in a happy relationship and the engagement!

Honestly the way you described him reminds me of myself 10 years ago before I also gained some life perspectives and was able to view things from the outside of the dysfunctional. Glad I am not that guy anymore.

GroidNificent
What a douche. You don't have to constantly be around someone for it to work. He obviously didn't realize that. There's more to a relationshipthat he didn't realize. I think your better off whith
out going into details since I'm on a phone and it's a bit** to type.

You're completely right, he was a douche. But I think you might be missing the point of the rant. My point was that you're not supposed to feel uneasy, IE "like you need space" all the time if you're in a healthy relationship.

Lucid Lunacy
reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX

 

I think healthy relationships require co-independence, and that may or may not manifest in needing 'space'. That depends on the dynamic of a particular relationship. But co-indepence and 'space' shouldn't be viewed as interchangeable ideas. I've been in a longterm relationship where we were 'tied to the hip' and that worked for us really well. Ive been in another which absolutely needed it. I don't think needing space means there is something awry in a relationship (per se), it could just be the nature of the couples compatibility.

Yeh, all depends on the individuals, and what age they find a working relationship. I guess I seem naive because I'm a kid, but I think having this kind of magical chemistry is by far the best option. I wouldn't settle for anything less, now that I know what an honest-to-God HAPPY relationship feels like.

But its true, all people are different, and everything comes down to their chemistry.

reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX


I updated my first post while you were responding. Oops.

20 is young. I'm 30 and others will tell me I am young. That's not the critical part. As you said you gained some profound understanding not just from the relationship but how you were able to reflect when you stepped outside the dysfunctional. Life wisdom is relative, doesn't increase incrementally every year. So be happy with and believe in the wisdom you gained. It's yours and you earned it.

I both believe in the 'spark' and believe in the honeymoon period. So some caution is best less they be confused. I definitely agree with your point about that passion and once you experience it you know not to settle for less. Still, and I guess you agree based on your last post, some couples that are passionate require space for that needed co-independce. Some, not all. The idiosyncrasies of the individuals prior to entering a relationship are likely still in affect. What happens when two introverts accustomed to needing lots of alone time get together? Probably the need for some space. That doesn't exclude them from being passionate lovers though.

In your example with your ex you needed space, and that was a sign of there being a problem. So yeah it definitely could be a bad sign.

I'm near 30 and gf 40 and we spend most of our time together.

I've been with a woman who was too clingy for me and drove me nuts. I also had another girlfriend who was never around(she had trouble finding her way back to the right bed each night).

I think that it's good to find someone who's just the right amount of clingy for you. That's going to be different for every type of person.

With my current gf I go off into my music studio/office and she hangs out in other room separately. She doesn't come and bother me or whine.

One thing I've noticed and why most people will tell you that it's good to have space(especially when young) is that you don't want to burn out a relationship. It's better to take your time and still grow and nurture your friendships outside of that relationship.

It's important to spend time with family and friends on one on one basis as well.

It's hard to do when you're really close with someone but it's important.

reply to post by OrphanApology


I feels ya.

I think there's a definite, and often ignored, difference between "clingy" and "possessive."

My fiance and I are both clingy individuals, and don't like being apart for even a couple hours.

But my ex was extremely possessive, which lead me to seek space.

I have to say, though, saying "she doesn't come bother me or whine" sounds a bit harsh. I apologize in advance, because I don't personally know you or your girlfriend, but when my fiance comes to me when I'm busy--or when I go to him--we always put each other before any tasks we may be doing. I wouldn't consider it whining.

Then again, you may have had experience dating similar ex's as mine, so the word "whining" may have become an easy slip-off-the-tongue description for insufferable, possessive people. So, no judgment passed.

reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX


Well I mean whine.

I had a girlfriend that would literally whine even when I made it clear I needed to work on something or to be left alone for a bit(recording requires silence). She was annoyingly possessive and jealous to the point where she was jealous of even my alone time with myself.

It was a mistake of youth, one that I am regret as I didn't spend as much time with parents around that time and now they're dead.

Some women do whine though. I can't think of any other word to describe it.

XxNightAngelusxX

GroidNificent
What a douche. You don't have to constantly be around someone for it to work. He obviously didn't realize that. There's more to a relationshipthat he didn't realize. I think your better off whith
out going into details since I'm on a phone and it's a bit** to type.

You're completely right, he was a douche. But I think you might be missing the point of the rant. My point was that you're not supposed to feel uneasy, IE "like you need space" all the time if you're in a healthy relationship.

I think you are missing the point of the analyses. Co-independence can be considered "space", and the poster replying to you is right. Even if you spend 24/7 - 365 together, you need independence. As soon as it becomes co-dependent, the swooning feelings you have now will be gone.

reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX


I can be the same way as you, NightAngelus. Admitting you are clingy - that is interesting. It is a good topic to post because no one outright says it but it is one type of relationship that someone can have. I mostly have friendships. I used to be with family and friends whom I was around all the time - but now that I've grown older, I am by myself a lot and hanging out with someone else can get awkward.

I don't really know what to recommend - I wish I had learned more independent skills when I was younger - and I'm still working on it.

reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX


Relationships, or more precisely, being in love with someone, who is in love with you, should feel like wings on your back, not a weight about your neck. If not, then something very wrong is happening somewhere.

well...I fear any man or woman that does not need "alone time". That's a clinger in the making...I hate clingers.

My girlfriend (of five years) and I don't get to spend a lot of time together due to our busy work schedules. We have maybe one day off together a month, and maybe two nights a week. We do live together though, and neither one of us work an overnight shift so we get to fall asleep together every night.

I find that spending time apart actually helps our relationship. The time that we do have together we cherish and never take it for granted.

We both are independent people though, so it may be different for us.

If you love someone enough, you never want to give them space, especially not when they're upset about something. That is the time to act, to tell them what they need to hear, to show them how much they're loved, and hug them through it.

Talk to me when you've been together for 19 years.
I love my husband. I believe he is my soul mate. He still gets me excited when he takes his shirt off.

But when he comes home, and says "Honey, I'm going up snowmobiling at the cabin, do you want to go?"

I do a little dance in my head. I get a quiet weekend, at home alone, watching all the sappy movies I want. Doing whatever I want. Even letting the dogs sleep in bed with me.
And I never leave the house all weekend!!!

So, No offense OP, I get it. In the beginning I felt that way too.
But Heck yeah! I like my space.

Make sure you come back to this post in a year or two from now. What you feel now will not last. What comes after is the true test of a relationship.

I get what you are saying. At the beginning of my current relationship I understood this. I hated going to my classes because I wanted to to be with him every second of the day, and for me that was strange because I am a bit of a loner. However the newness has worn off and we have settled in to a more mature part of the relationship. if I was away for a few days I would miss him terribly, but it is nice having time when he is at work to do my own thing.

I don't think a more perfect person for me could exist, and he is definitely the one, but i am sort of glad that I am past the wanting to be with him 24/7. Too much of that can be unhealthy in other areas of your life. If the only thing in your life is the relationship, that isn't healthy

I understand that you wanting to be away from the person in your first relationship all the time wasn't good.


Do you understand why not wanting to be away from your current one for even a little bit is just as bad?

reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX


You are absolutely correct.

Well, I'll tell ya. This is your second relationship, right? And your first started when you were 15. Here's what you do. Come back when you have grandkids, then tell us all about how relationships work, okay? I'm reminded of Oscar Wilde (sig below)

Everyone;

Some women do whine though. I can't think of any other word to describe it.

I don't think that trait is specific to women.

Lots of PEOPLE whine, men AND women.

I think you are missing the point of the analyses. Co-independence can be considered "space", and the poster replying to you is right. Even if you spend 24/7 - 365 together, you need independence. As soon as it becomes co-dependent, the swooning feelings you have now will be gone.

I think the previous relationship had this problem, to a drastic degree. I was not allowed to be in a different room than him for too long, otherwise I was neglecting him or cheating on him somehow (That's how he saw it, anyway).

My fiance and I now can do our own thing, without either of us getting upset with the other... but if we're apart for too long, we find each other and exchange the cuddles.

I don't really know what to recommend - I wish I had learned more independent skills when I was younger - and I'm still working on it.

No worries, I'm still trying to wrap my mind around being in a healthy relationship and planning to--one day long down the road--have a family. I didn't think I'd have to plan for that kind of life, to be honest.

Relationships, or more precisely, being in love with someone, who is in love with you, should feel like wings on your back, not a weight about your neck. If not, then something very wrong is happening somewhere.

My thoughts exactly

well...I fear any man or woman that does not need "alone time". That's a clinger in the making...I hate clingers.

Well, that sounds like a personal problem.

I find that spending time apart actually helps our relationship. The time that we do have together we cherish and never take it for granted.

Awesome I'm sorry you can't see each other more often.

Talk to me when you've been together for 19 years.

See, here's where I start to "go off the deep end" regarding my relationship feelings (as other people have put it to me). I've experienced a lot of loss and death in my life, along with three near-death experiences, so I tend to cherish every waking second I have with the people I love, because you never know when they won't be there anymore.

So, respectfully, I don't think I'll ever appreciate "alone time" the way you can.

Make sure you come back to this post in a year or two from now. What you feel now will not last. What comes after is the true test of a relationship.

Thanks, but after withering through that emotionally--and sometimes physically--abusive relationship and STILL doing my damnest to make it work, I think I can handle it. I'm a big girl.

I get what you are saying. At the beginning of my current relationship I understood this. I hated going to my classes because I wanted to to be with him every second of the day,

I understand these feelings often fade over the years for most people, but I don't think I have the luxury of withdrawing into my shell anymore. My last relationship was different, because the guy made me feel like garbage, but this is a different situation entirely.

As said, I've felt the regret of not spending enough time with someone before they pass away. I don't intend to waste my life hiding from my loved ones.

If the only thing in your life is the relationship, that isn't healthy

Why not?

I understood the rest of your post, but the relationship is my motivation to DO anything else in life. I've been watching what I eat and drink, I kicked the "habit" I had, no longer drink soda, and I clean my arse off and work out every day. I've never been more productive in my life than I am now.

Do you understand why not wanting to be away from your current one for even a little bit is just as bad?

No, because its not the same situation.

It depends in the individuals and their chemistry.

My fiance and I were best friends for years before we got together. We talked, ranted, and drew our anime pictures and stories together. We're like-minded about nearly everything, and there are a lot of friendship-type things we still enjoy to do together. I can be with him when I feel the urge to hang arouns a close friend, or I can be around him when I'm feeling mushy and romantic. Its absolutely flawless.

It may not be the same for you, but this is what works for us.

Well, I'll tell ya. This is your second relationship, right? And your first started when you were 15. Here's what you do. Come back when you have grandkids, then tell us all about how relationships work, okay? I'm reminded of Oscar Wilde (sig below)

Lol, thank you for the patronizing opinion.

As stated in the OP (which I don't believe you read completely), I understand that I am young, and I understand how this sounds to folks with more experience than me. I often have a lot of people older than me bitching and whining about how inexperienced and unworthy-to-have-opinions I am. Its extremely annoying and disrespectful.

Tell you what, how bout YOU wither through that miserable relationship I was stuck in for four and a half years. I may be young, but I still think all the name-calling, restraining, and misdirected anger I took was pretty damn real. Oh, but I guess there's an age limit on who's allowed to experience life, and who's not.

In America the young are always ready to give to those who are older than themselves the full benefits of their inexperience.

Actually, that goes for young people around the world, not just in big bad ol' America.

That being said, it doesn't mean that younger people are unable to have experiences throughout their childhood and teen years that impact them heavily, and shape them into the person they become, even at an age like 20.

And the ironic thing is, my ex boyfriend often bragged about how he'd take on the military if the S^%& ever hit the fan in America. Ridiculous, right? No, that's not the pathetic part. He was under the impression that he could take on military officials with a buster sword, and no guns. He had a very child-like fantasy-themed view on the possible apocalypse to come, and we often fought about this, because being a prepper myself, I like to prepare for realistic possibilities. Not anything Final Fantasy-themed.

He liked to tell everyone how to fashion guns and swords, even though he'd never made one in his life. Because he watched youtube-know-how videos, he honestly thought he knew more than everyone else around him--and he told me SOOOOO many times, that he KNEW he was smarter than everyone around him, and it angered him. Myself included.

The ironic thing is, he fits the profile of Oscar Wilde's little quote perfectly.

But I'm pretty sure that I don't.

So, I'll end with this;

If I did everything that older adults--folks who whine about me having opinions and feelings, like you--suggested that I do in my life, I would be alone or divorced like all of them. I would be untrusting, sad, and grumpy like all of them. I would likely be an abuser, and my current relationship is the reason why I am no longer an abuser. My fiance got me off the stuff.

So, how about some adults who aren't single or divorced give me relationship advice?

Then, I might just listen.

--(Continued)--