I don't understand why people often say "healthy relationships always require space, you can't be around each other constantly." Ugh, did I miss
something? Is this some unwritten relationship rule that we're supposed to follow? I find it annoying.
Let me tell you a little story, ATS.
Recently, I was with someone for a few years, someone I didn't hate, but I didn't love either. I was fifteen when we first started dating, which
means I, of course, had no clue what was considered a "healthy" relationship, via lack of experience. We fought constantly, and he frequently
accused me of cheating on him on numerous occasions. I was not allowed to hang out with my friends without him around--and if I paid a little too much
attention to my friends, Oh boy did I have to answer for it. I hadn't realized it at the time, but I was on a leash. During the time dating this
person, I was one of the people who said "I need some space."
Well, how else was I supposed to live?
He made my life a complete hell. Literally EVERYTHING offended him somehow, and he has a major, false disposition of honor, believing that he is
somehow above all other people, and living in a higher mindset than everyone else on the planet. He's made those claims to me before. I am not
exaggerating at all. I wanted to be alone and away from him for as long as possible at a time... it was rather nice to feel as though I could breathe.
And again, I liked being with him in doses--because if we rarely saw one another, we were a lot less likely to fight--but if we were together for too
long, something would spark and we'd be at heads again.
I could never spill this stuff out before, and I only ever said nice things about him (including on ATS) when others asked how my relationship was
going. As a few of you may know, my family has quite a bit of drama attached, along with some of my friends, and more drama was the last thing I
wanted to initiate, so I always kept my mouth shut.
But over the past half a year or so, he and I finally broke it off for good, and my middle school best friend and I fell for each other. Even just as
friends, I always felt like I cared for him more than any of my other friends. I dreamed about us being together a couple of times, but I never
thought anything of it (I never allowed myself to think that way about him, because of the restricting relationship I was in, I couldn't afford to
feel that way, ya know?).
Now, I feel almost exactly the OPPOSITE of the way I felt before.
I always wanna be around him, hugging him and holding him. I love cuddling and watching movies, I love when we draw together, I can't stand for us to
be apart. Even being in separate rooms for too long makes me anxious. A month or so ago, I spent the night at my mothers, and I didn't sleep the
entire night, or the day following. I found myself unable to sleep without him with me.
Now we're engaged
In the first relationship, I hated hearing my friends whine about "not feeling a spark" or whatever when they were dating someone, because I was
under the impression that being with someone was SUPPOSED to be extremely tiring and stressful. I always told my friends, "Relationships aren't
fairies and pixies, they require a lot of hard work" (which is partially true, but the intensity with which I often said this was exaggerated quite a
Now, I understand they're feelings.
"Feeling a spark" is a complete understatement.
I can't look into his eyes without melting.
Every time I think about a family problem, or a recently deceased loved one, or any other problem that my life could possibly manifest, looking at him
smile honestly makes it all vanish. I know it sounds corny, and I swear to God, I never thought I'd find myself saying this about anyone, but he
honestly is my human medicine.
He also gets uncomfortable and anxious when I'm not around him for a while.
We love each other more than anything on the planet, and we hold each other every time we're angry, or sad, or stressed out about life. We don't
create space between one another to mend the problem, because that only results in feelings of abandonment, loneliness, and an even greater lack of
understanding regarding your significant other's problem.
When someone you love is upset, doesn't it make sense to be there for them?
Its a lot harder than "giving them space." But its the right thing to do.
My fiance and I never fight. And on rare occasions when we have a disagreement, we mend it within ten minutes. My ex boyfriend and I would fight for
hours and hours, and it was a daily routine (when we lived together).
Now, my point here is, if you find yourself in a "Damn, I need space" relationship, you might want to evaluate the relationship. Its usually really
hard to see the problem from the heart of the beast, ya know? So look hard. If you feel like you don't get away enough, like you don't get enough
time to yourself, and like your partner's simple presence makes you feel as though you're completely on hold--like you can't say or do the wrong
thing without initiating a confrontation--then you may be in an unhealthy relationship.
I realize I'm just a kid, 20 years old, but I feel as though I have the right to make these evaluations because of my recent drastic change of
perspective. I feel as though I understand dysfunction much better than I ever have, because for the first time in my life, I'm not living inside of
My family, then my first relationship, both have been highly dysfunctional, and I didn't realize it because it was normality to us. Now, having
escaped the dysfunction and now able to see it from the outside, I have an objective view of life that I've never had before.
Just saying, for those of you who haven't climbed out of the dysfunction yet...
My story may help for other people like me to see the problem from the inside.
If you love someone enough, you never want to give them space, especially not when they're upset about something. That is the time to act, to tell
them what they need to hear, to show them how much they're loved, and hug them through it.
Don't settle for someone who makes you feel uneasy.
SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE!
It will ROT you from the inside out, until you find that you're no longer capable of caring for human beings, especially your partner. Being with an
emotional, controlling manipulator will wither you dry, so please, GET OUT!
*Sigh* .... That's my relationship rant for the next year or so.
Nighty night, ATS~