A simple question for my ATS family.

Good day all. My time here has taught me you can get a good review of any situation you may find yourself in. I tend to use ATS for more personal insight from the members, as the members vary from nation to nation and state to state. I find it a good way to get a feel for the populace at large. A member that has a different stance than I may have ,say on gun-controll may have the same stance on any other subject. I've found that no matter where your from around the world, some things we all agree on. Some things we will never agree on.

I have a question for all. The question deals with adoption and legal matters & money, and personal responsability.

I have an ex-wife, she is the mother of my two blood children. She and I have been divorced since 1989. I was granted custody of our two children. I raised them all by my self for about 17 years. In those years, my ex was no where to be found. In those years she accrued a debt of $63,788,50 in child support payments NOT MADE. The kids are grown, but the debt is still there, it does not magicly vanish. In these years I speak of, she was arrested for an e-class felony for CUSTODIAL INTERFERENCE ( she took the kids and ran to another state during one of her scheduled visitation times. She has been arrested for herion use, she was arrested for crack coc aine use, she has been arrested for prostitution. She has been jailed 5 times for non-support and failure to abide by court order. In 2006 she came out of hiding and faced the music, she did this thinking the child support order would be null and voided because the kids were aged out. She was wrong. The court at that time in 2006-2007 lowered the amount she paid to a mere $50 per month down from the $ 533.00 per month originally. This was a temporary order. ( $50 per month is the indigent amount when one has no income). I have let it slide on the $50 per month for over 7 years. As of todays date, she still owes arrears in the amount of $ 57.439,03 payable at $50 per month.


Now to the crux of my question. I have learned that she is trying to adopt a child. A two year old toddler. I find this to be totally out of the question. She did not raise her own children, nor has she ever wanted to support her own children. So how can she ask to be considered for this adoption. She stilll owes $ 57 grand for the two she did'nt raise. I have been asked by the case worker for testimony in this case. The child is now in foster care and is wanting to be adopted by the foster parents he has been with for allmost all his life. My ex also is trying to adopt. I cannot agree to her being allowed to adopt a child. She did'nt raise the two she gave birth to and still owes tons of money for all those years of being a crappy mother. I have learned she is lieing her asre off to the DSS folks. I can probally put a stop to all this with my testimony, question is should I? Needless to say her own two kids are in a damn up-roar over all this. So should I give testimony and put an end to this or should I just stay in the shadows and keep getting my $50 per month for the next 95 years. Another part of the question is, if she can afford to adopt a baby with all the finacial resposability that goes with it, should she not pay more on her debt of not raiseing her own? It's obvious she can afford too. She should be made to pay off the debt of her own two kids prior to even being considered for being an adoptive parent. Help me ATS family. I need your input. Thanks in advance. OYM1262

Please don't get me wrong. If she owed nothing and did'nt have the past track record she does, I would'nt even be involved, as it would be none of my business, but seeing the sheer amount she owes for her own birth children and knowing all she did to get out of paying it. I just can't allow this to take place.

I generally believe a leopard can change their spots and that everyone should get a second chance....

But, I have to make an exception for your ex...

IMHO you should testify and save that poor toddler from a potentially miserable life. Though even if you don't testify I doubt she'd get approved anyway, I'm amazed she's even being considered... I wouldn't trust her with my cats never mind a toddler.

openyourmind1262
I can probally put a stop to all this with my testimony, question is should I?

If she has been through all that you just described, drug abuse and such, she will never be conciderated as an option to adopt a child.They will check her background down to the last detail.

If she does come through and gets the child, well, then this world is officially broken, but i doubt thats going to happen.

I'll chime in here as I was a child adopted as an infant. I think you already know what you must do. Tell the truth. Your own children have suffered enough and for the love of god with her track record of being a horrible person there is no way she should be allowed the opportunity to raise a child.If she is lying, it should be brought to light, if not for the sake of what she put you and your family through, but for the potential damage she will cause another.
A child up for adoption deserves a LOVING home as it is hard enough for us to deal with the emotions as we grow older, and abandonment issues are common. To have to put up with being raised by someone such as your ex, is just more than I can stomach.
Please, for the sake of that young child, don't let her do it.

reply to post by openyourmind1262


I recommend:

Forget about the money. You were strong, and did what was needed. You will not squeeze blood from that turnip.

You have a legitimate witness to bear regarding her lifelong history of not parenting. If that is being asked for, it is your civic duty to deliver it. That child will thank you for it.

Once that is done, write off the cash and distance yourself. You have earned it now that the kids are grown.

reply to post by openyourmind1262


Dang, my Dad and your ex are exactly the same!! He's not paid all his yet either, over thirty years of dodging and running. His three children are grown, youngest in early 40's. Sad. God, do I understand and empathize with your situation, and I'm very sure your children, grown they may be, are very upset as they should be, it's the principle of the thing after all.

Please do step in and stop that adoption, put a kink in her hose every chance you get. I never could understand why the courts do not require the parent in arrears to acquire a bank loan to pay off the responsible parent. The banks will surely collect their payment or the person goes to prison. $50.00 dollars a month.....shakes head in disgust, I know exactly what your going through.

Hope the best for you.

People can change, but if she had really changed, don't you think she would have attempted to make her own family whole in the sense of making amends?

Also, isn't she now trying to take a 2-year-old away from a whole family (couple) who is trying to adopt it where she is (from your description) single? Isn't that a bit selfish? Children do better with whole families. It's just a statistical fact.

I think there is nothing wrong and everything right with you testifying about the truth of what happened to your own family. It might even save this toddler from going through what your and your own children went through.

reply to post by openyourmind1262

I have learned she is lieing her asre off to the DSS folks. I can probally put a stop to all this with my testimony, question is should I?

YES. You should. You have the power to influence the toddler's life by doing so.

Any time a case worker wants to interview an "informant" is a chance for the truth of the person's character to come out. (Although some informants will deliberately lie to make the subject look bad; but in this case, you need to tell them your history, experience with her, etc.)

It's not up to you to make the decision, but the people in charge NEED ALL of the information.
Please don't let this toddler get sucked into a trap as dismal as the one you suspect might be laid by letting her adopt.



EDIT: LOL! I made my reply before reading anyone else's - I see that we have a consensus here.
(@ ketsuko: )

reply to post by openyourmind1262


I don't know why in the world this popped into my head- it's sneaky and diabolical and out of the norm for me but I will share my thought for you to take under consideration anyway.

If you honestly feel like your ex would be bad for the child or the child would be better off with the foster parents and yet don't wish to take the stand to testify against her character here is an alternative: File a contempt of court suit against her for unpaid back child support and have her served while she is in court in front of the judge- preferably served by a sheriff's deputy (which is often cheaper than a regular process server). The point will be taken by the judge without you having to get officially involved.

Good luck no matter what you decide to do, but always go with your gut in these matters!

I have to agree with everyone else.
Forget the money.
The only thing that is important right now, is that two year old's well being.
You know in your heart if she can provide that, and that is the only thing that you should base your decision on.

In the name of all that is right and good that should not be allowed to happen. Good sense prevail for once PLEASE!.

reply to post by wildtimes

YES. You should. You have the power to influence the toddler's life by doing so.

I don't think it's necessary, if what OP told about her is true.

Adopting a child is a huge process, you don't just call and say, I would like a child, and the next day a UPS drops of a basket with a toddler in it.

It can take months of preparation, and they do check everything.

reply to post by Mianeye

It can take months of preparation, and they do check everything.

I saw your post, and yes, we hope that they DO check everything. Still, cases slip through the cracks, and if the OP fails to provide his testimony, it will be partly on him if this toddler winds up with her (I know it's easier and 'nicer' to butt out sometimes, and let the system do what it does - but we are talking about a baby here). Non-disclosure would be a mistake, and I know for my part, I'd feel guilty for the rest of my life for not doing what I could to stop this toddler being harmed/neglected.

I agree that it's doubtful she'd be approved anyway. But there are also huge oversights in the child protection/adoption world of overworked case managers...and some of them are lazy. (I've worked among them when I was a social worker - I could tell you stories that would raise the small hairs on your neck of how DFS/CPS workers handle reports).

Think of it as "obstruction of justice" for someone with first-hand knowledge to not point out the priors of the 'applicant.'

reply to post by wildtimes

True true, but it would be an extrem case if she succed.

To OP, do what you think is right to do, i wont be the one to tell you what to do, then i would have to blame my self, if you came back, and said, "she got the child cause i did nothing as you said".

I can't really add anything here. But if that were me, I would not care about the money. But I would be horrified about her wanting to adopt. Over here if you have a criminal record you have no chance of adopting (only a cat!)..But seriously who the hell would give this women a child?. Surely they do background checks?...But you MUST intervine. This is a delicate situation and the child must come first. And good luck

TheDoctor46
I can't really add anything here. But if that were me, I would not care about the money. But I would be horrified about her wanting to adopt. Over here if you have a criminal record you have no chance of adopting (only a cat!)..But seriously who the hell would give this women a child?. Surely they do background checks?...But you MUST intervine. This is a delicate situation and the child must come first. And good luck

I couldn't agree more, how is this women even being considered?! She'd have more chance of the hole in her butt closing up than getting a chance to foster or adopt here in the UK... It's really quite bizarre....

Yeah, when I adopted my cats I had to be interviewed AND have a home visit. And quite rightly so.

Things are certainly different in the US.

I highly doubt she would be approved for the adoption regardless of your testimony. With the criminal record you say she has involving drugs and prostitution on top of the fact that she owes over 50 grand in child support... Not going to happen. At least, I would hope to god not.

As people on here have been saying, sure people can change...I'm just a bit more skeptical. It sounds to me as if she wants a child as a source of income. She could get a nice tax break, extra food assistance, medical care, etc.

My suggestion, continue being a good father, use that 50 bucks/month to buy yourself a nice bottle of something and forget all about her.

reply to post by openyourmind1262


Doing what one feels is right in their conscious or selling out to the selfishness of money is not an uncommon human kunundrum.

I, personally, have never regreted doing "the right thing".

reply to post by wildtimes


Indeed, we don't disagree on everything.