posted on Feb, 8 2014 @ 08:15 PM
Hi All - I am afraid I went from wanting to talk about this a lot to not wanting to talk about it at all, for a while, and I avoided my own thread
because it was too painful. Things are still coming back around, but I was able to read the last page of replies this evening, and I just wanted to
let you all know that I really appreciate your comments and thoughts.
A couple of newer thoughts of mine...
I am a family joke in regards to the fact that while I can easily identify people based on their voice, I am terrible with recognizing faces. Every
single time I ask, "Hey was this actress in XXX movie?" I am always wrong - it always turns out to be someone else. At work, I usually have to
meet someone at least two or three times before I actually recognize them. I'm guessing this is related to the streak of Aspergers that seems to run
through my family - my son is an Aspie, and my Dad thinks more of us are probably undiagnosed Aspies. At any rate, something that has been striking
me is that it seems like Candy Cane is just so deeply engraved on my heart. I keep seeing her in my mind's eye, all the time, and at unexpected
times. But, I don't see her as she was at the end, although I can bring her to mind that way if I try. I see her, in my mind, constantly, as she
was in her youth.
I got the call from the Vet that her ashes were ready for us to pick up, and for some reason I had blocked that out so it was a jolt.
Today, we went to the Vet and picked up her ashes, and just seeing her name on the box was a shock and set my tears off again. The weight of the box
was a shock. I think the box is a one-size-fits-all for pets, from German Shepherd to Toy Poodle, but for some reason I was expecting it to weigh
less. She was only 12 pounds, so one would think that her ashes would be very light and take up little space. The box is smaller than a shoe box,
but more sturdy, and the weight is a little more than I expected. I think that is probably because my Grandfather's ashes took about the same amount
of space as the size of the box, at least in my memory, so I expected everything to be sized down from medium sized person to very small dog,
I have some nice carved wooden boxes that I have been thinking of for the long term, and I know I will need to open the box of ashes in order to see
if they will fit, but I can't bring myself to do it yet. I don't know whether I am more relieved to have her ashes here at home now, or more
agitated. Both, at once, it seems.
I keep picturing the perfect day Candy Cane and I spent at the lakes, just the two of us without the rest of the family and the other dogs, and
especially the time we spent sitting on the grass in between the North and South lakes, under the palm trees, and she was so happy - her ears were all
perked up, she kept sniffing and looking around, but she was totally content to just sit there for a few minutes and hang out and watch the ducks. I
miss her so much. I am so glad we had that perfect time, although it was so short, in hind sight.
Thank you all so much for your stories and thoughts, I really appreciate them.