GRIEVING - my dog is irretrievably gone and I feel AWFUL

Hello ATS,

We have had an awful emotional roller coaster ride for the past year, and intensified in the past few weeks, with my little diabetic 12 year old mini-dachsund. Today, it all came to a head, and we succumbed. We got less than 5 hours sleep the past few nights - she has been crying (whisper whining and nose-whistling) all week because of her discomfort because she has to urinate and is massively thirsty at the same time. We adjusted her insulin and tried picking up the water bowl at 7pm. We tried a doggie diaper, but she gets it off immediately. She also had cataracts that made her blind, which didn't bother her much, but then something went wrong and one of her eyes flooded with blood and turned red within just a few days.

We took her to a doggie ophthalmologist specialist to evaluate her eyes, one of which apparently has a separated retina now and she has been bleeding into it. We felt ok about the treatment plan until last night.

Last night she cried all night - we woke up around 1-2am. The whole family had unrestful sleep until 5 when we had to get up for work.

On and on goes the story and the final word is that this evening, at my wonderful vet, who has taken care of her since she was just a puppy, as well as my other three dogs for 10+ years, we put her to sleep. I was with my baby girl the whole time and held her and talked to her and told her how good she is and how much I love her and there won't be any more insulin shots ever again, over and over and over. She was relaxed and not in any pain. Thank God for our wonderful Vet.

REGARDLESS - I feel absolutely miserable. I can't stop crying. I also kept telling her I am so sorry! I am having trouble focusing and I don't know if I will be able to sleep tonight. I can't believe I didn't bring my sweet girl home tonight. I still can't believe she is gone and I will never see her again. I look around my home and she is not here. I know mentally that she is being taken care of by my vet and the crematorium, and the last I saw she was sweetly wrapped in a soft blanket, to be taken off for the crematorium. I just can't stop crying. I'm like, useless for my other dogs and my husband. I talked to my (grown college) kids already. Took time off work trying to deal today. Have to work the full day tomorrow. HATE this. Miserable and can't stop crying - have been crying for hours or on and off for days.

Just spilling it out because I feel so completely rotten...

Blessings to all who have loved and lost the ones they love,
Gwynnhwyfar

So sorry...

💧

reply to post by whyamIhere


Thank you. It hurts.

reply to post by gwynnhwyfar

My condolences for your loss.

Our house feels empty when we come home from dropping Socks off at the groomer's for an hour. She's getting old, and I'm gonna need your shoulder in return in a couple of years.

reply to post by gwynnhwyfar


P.S. She is my avatar - the drawing is from a few years ago when she was just relaxing on my lap.

reply to post by Snarl


You've got it! This is rough trade.

I lost a precious pet in November and many before her. I know exactly how you feel and am so very sorry for your loss. Your sweet doggie is running beneath the sun and tall trees utterly free of any pain and suffering over the rainbow bridge. You gave your sweet pet many years of love and happiness. You will always have your memories and someday you will meet again. Big HUg!!!!!!

I am sorry for your loss. Truly. To lose something that has loved you unconditionally for so long hurts more than we can sometimes manage. Somewhere deep down we can only take comfort in knowing that we did the best for them that we could, and we loved them unconditionally as well.

You and yours are in my thoughts and prayers. I had to put my dog down last year and posted here just as you did just having to get the grief out to people who I knew would understand. Don't let anyone tell you that grieving like this for "just an animal" is silly or wrong. Those people know nothing. You will grieve for some time to come and while that is unfortunate, you will also be left with many memories that you would not have had otherwise.

Know that you are not alone. I wish you much strength in the coming days to deal with the sadness and pain.

I can so relate. My feline fur baby passed, 21 April, 6am, 2012. You lose your child. A child doesn't have to be human. It's -horrible- .
I am consoled however, by events where his spirit made his presence known, I'll just say that.

reply to post by Night Star


Thanks Night Star! I really appreciate your comment. I remember the "Rainbow Bridge" story -perhaps it was you who introduced me to it, when I posted on your thread... All I know right now is that I just feel awful. I know it will lighten in time. I just can't believe right now that my baby isn't home. I know we were dealing with a lot but the idea that maybe we could have done more is overwhelming. I feel awful.

reply to post by Kangaruex4Ewe


Thank you so much, Kangaruex4ewe. It just feels awful, and I don't know whee to put the pain, so I am unloading it here. I can't believe it is already 1:00 am now, and I have to be up at 5:00 am. I guess I am going to just have to try to sleep and deal with as much as I can in the morning. My sleep has been horrendous lately.

gwynnhwyfar
reply to post by Kangaruex4Ewe

 

Thank you so much, Kangaruex4ewe. It just feels awful, and I don't know whee to put the pain, so I am unloading it here. I can't believe it is already 1:00 am now, and I have to be up at 5:00 am. I guess I am going to just have to try to sleep and deal with as much as I can in the morning. My sleep has been horrendous lately.

It does make it hard to sleep and I imagine you haven't gotten a lot of sleep since she was so sick. We stay up with them like we do our children when they are sick.

I hope you get some decent sleep soon. Hang in there.

reply to post by misschareesee2

Thank you misschareesee2 - I hope I will have similar hints that all is well in the afterlife. Thanks for the hope!

reply to post by gwynnhwyfar


From experience, you may have dreams of your loved one, over time. Some of the dreams might be confusing. They are communicating with you that way, and passed people do as well, I've had those dreams too. My very last dream of my little one, well his fur looked unreal. It was more plush and vibrant than a bran new stuffed toy's. He was looking me in the eyes and telling me in human English, tho telepathically, "Okay, I'm going over to the other side now, into the light". He stuck around in this old apartment for a long time, as my other quite mediumistic cat can attest if he could speak like I do.

Pets, so much a part of the family, they have their own personalities and a sixth sense that we lost with time. Although most pet owners invest their pets with a human character, we forget that we are all animals. A pet such as a cat or dog will give compassion and instinctively knows your moods and probably the basics of what you are thinking.

My son-in-law has a black Labrador, this mutt is taken for a walk daily by many friends as owners work shifts or all day. Everyone who takes this guy out for a walk says the same thing, a wonderful dog with a great character and something different. Take him to the canal side pub after a walk and this dog lights up the place with his personality. I can't explain his effect upon people but as an ex.dog handler I can tell you he is something special in a world of special dogs.

I have a cat as a pet these days, she is now 12 years old and has been a fantastic friend. Even the cattery we use speak of her character and that she is one of the most affectionate cats they have ever come across. However, this small little moggie that was the runt of the litter defends her territory like a wildcat when other cats deign to cross it let alone invade it. Not looking forward to her departure, she has been something special, but then my kids always had pets that had were outstanding from a rabbit to a guinea pig and a crazy budgie, a lot of their behaviour is some form of mimicry but there is a part that isn't.

Hopefully you will get over the loss of your special companion, you will never forget the good times, and, as with a human, at least the pain and suffering is over.

gwynnhwyfar
reply to post by Night Star

 

Thanks Night Star! I really appreciate your comment. I remember the "Rainbow Bridge" story -perhaps it was you who introduced me to it, when I posted on your thread... All I know right now is that I just feel awful. I know it will lighten in time. I just can't believe right now that my baby isn't home. I know we were dealing with a lot but the idea that maybe we could have done more is overwhelming. I feel awful.

She was old and sickly and you did everything you possibly could have. I think we all go through that, question ourselves asking was there more that I could have done. Believe me,you gave her a wonderful home filled with love and attention and care. You really did give her a happy and full life. Had she stayed around you would have only seen the quality of her life get worse and worse. She appreciates that you let her go and understands. I believe that for animals, as well as ourselves that when we pass from here we go on to something different, something better.

I know how sad you are. I know how much your heart is breaking and my heart breaks for you. Just hold on to all those precious memories of the life you shared with her and know that you will be reunited someday. This is not really the end. Hugs!

reply to post by gwynnhwyfar

Dear gwynnhwyfar, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. There aren't many words that can ease the hurt and loss of the beautiful animals that grace us with their divine presence. Grieving is so personal, so do be gentle with yourself. There is no other person who can tell us the right amount of time. Do think about the massive gift she was to you and your life. Live in the gratitude that you were so honoured to know her soul, intimately, and that love never, ever leaves us fully. Every moment you spent with her was a blessing in time, and know for a fact she felt that too. xx


reply to post by misschareesee2

I am consoled however, by events where his spirit made his presence known, I'll just say that.

The same happened for me, and I will share for anyone whom might be interested.

My dear cat passed away from cancer in April of 2011. He was a great big Maine Coon, and my actual shadow. He was the first and last thing I saw each and every day, he slept by my head each night and he knew my every mood. Even my best friend said that he has never witnessed a relationship between animal and human like the one we shared.

A few months after his passing, I had a dream where I was holding him, and he slowly grew even bigger in my arms. He grew the biggest he could with myself still being able to hold him. I could feel his fur and nestled my face in his neck. I heard his purr, and it rumbled in his chest growing ever louder, until suddenly it filled the entire room, turning into the loudest roar one could imagine, like a great lion in the jungle. I felt it resounding within my entire body and soul and I am most certain he meant that as an expression of his love for me. There is not a doubt in my mind that our animal friend's spirits are in the afterlife, and I am also certain all of heaven heard him that night.

reply to post by gwynnhwyfar




Send big hugs to you...

*~[huuug]~*

It is incredibly difficult loosing a friend like that. I feel your pain.. May she race through flowery meadows and have many a bone to chew and many a bunny to chase...

reply to post by MoonBlossom


I had a similar experience when we lost a dog I found called Alfie. We only had him for 4 months. He went to the vet one day for a simple castration though he never returned.

A week after his passing I had a dream about him. We were walking through some woods. We had a cuddle then he ran off into the distance. I still wonder whether that was Alfie coming to say goodbye to me...

Oh it makes your heart ache... I am sorry for your loss. More *~[hugs]~*...

reply to post by gwynnhwyfar


If it's Okay, I'll cry with you..

I am so sorry for your loss and while it does not help, I know how you feel

Your baby is in a better place...