Is it Infidelity?

My woman told me about meeting her soulmate over the summer at her new job. How they were perfect for each other just meeting at the wrong time in their lifes. Recently, she hides her FB activities, omits my seeing her wall posts and hides our relationship status from her coworkers. I would add we just had our 7th anniversary and she hid that from her timeline.
I'm normally great at arguing. Don't let my emotions get the best of me. See all sides through logic and common sense.
This situation has left me hesitant on how to address the situation. Any suggestions or thoughts would be appreciated.

I have a thought.....

Nobody can break up a happy relationship.

nugget1
I have a thought.....

Nobody can break up a happy relationship.

edit on 3u1010America/Chicago311 by nugget1 because: Correct spelling

When in a relationship with a manic depressive with bipolar issues, not everyday is happy. And my very nice motorcycle is snowed in the garage.

reply to post by Hillbilly123069

Oh that is ABSOLUTE BULL#.

She CLEARLY has no respect for you, and she sure as hell doesn't love you, even if she might still say so. Don't listen to her words, look at what she does: that's what REALLY matters.

If I were you I would dump her right away, from my understanding of women, she's probably in that phase where she wants to leave you, only first she needs to find a "good way of doing it" or "a good reason"...which translated means: she can't leave right away a man she's spent 7 years of her life toghether with, because that would ruin her image and she'd be labeled an "easy" woman.

This is what I advise you to do.
Now, if you think this is overreacting, well then do a little research and see if she REALLY is seeing that other guy. If she is, then draw your conclusions.

Just don't make the mistake of thinking even for one second that if you leave her you'll never find another woman, because chances are if you go out there and take a look you'll find a better one.

If she is doing all that. That would be enough to tell me that she IS hiding something. And probably what it was to...To add If she really loved you, She would never do any of those things

reply to post by Hillbilly123069

Well i dunno what to think.
I teel you what happened to me, it may help you. Since something similar happened to me a few months ago, but i was the guy at work.
I met this woman, and we got along incredibly well, we had a lot in common. It was really hard to believe.
She always said she was sure we had meet in another life. She was much older than me, im 23, and she is 35. Shes married and im currently in a relationship. So i had no interest at all.
But maybe, if i had seek her, and looked to get into something more than being just friends, then, well, things could have turned out differently.
So, you see, i think it al depends on this guys intentions, and how your womans feelings towards your relationship. Nobody throws away a good relationship. Maybe you should just talk about it.
Well thats all I can tell you, i hope it helps you somehow.
I really hope everything turns out for the better.

Hillbilly123069
My woman told me about meeting her soulmate over the summer at her new job. How they were perfect for each other just meeting at the wrong time in their lifes. Recently, she hides her FB activities, omits my seeing her wall posts and hides our relationship status from her coworkers. I would add we just had our 7th anniversary and she hid that from her timeline.
I'm normally great at arguing. Don't let my emotions get the best of me. See all sides through logic and common sense.
This situation has left me hesitant on how to address the situation. Any suggestions or thoughts would be appreciated.

Hillbilly, I think you already know in your heart and mind, the answers to your questions.
Our minds try to wrestle our emotions into submission, and most times than not, it is a futile match.

But isn't infidelity first in the heart and mind, before it is physical infidelity? I think it is.

If she needs to hide anything from you, there is something wrong most definitely. You have been together seven years. So it isn't something she may be afraid you will know and then leave her for it. You know? Like in the beginning, when we are afraid for the one we love to see our dark side, for fear they would run away.

If YOU are not her 'soul mate' and it is obvious you are not, as she basically told you just so when she said she met him over the summer, then why, why are you even questioning all of these things.

You have the answers. Focus now, on saving your self, sanity, and heart, by giving her exatly what she wants. Her freedom.
The pain can be unbearable, oh yes.
She doesn't seem to be someone you deserve or should be with.

reply to post by Hillbilly123069


I watched my parents go through this for 10+ years of my life and was very much involved in all of the information. I'd have to say that her actions are definitely suspicious based on my own past experience. Why else would she not want you to see anything unless she is planning a surprise party for you or something. It shouldn't be that big of a deal. Her comment about soul mates was very insensitive too Imo. As far as what you should do about it...well, that's all you. My mom would have kept lying to my dad about it had he not bugged our phone and caught her talking about it ...so, maybe you should get some solid proof before saying anything.

Also, I see a few people saying that a happy marriage can't be broken or whatever.... That may be true, but it doesn't justify cheating. If a person is unhappy in their marriage then they should just end it and spare the other person (and sometimes kids) added pain and humiliation.

Good luck to you OP. I hope she is indeed just planning a surprise party for you.

Sucks.

Years ago I was with someone who was unsure about our relationship, though she knew that she loved me, she wasn't sure I was the "one".

We decided to take a break from each other that only lasted as long as it took for her to see someone else getting most of my attention.

We were back together within two weeks...other girl didn't take it too good- I regret.

Months later, she found her "one" guy and showed me the door.

I tried to restart what I had with the other girl, she too showed me the door.

I nearly fainted from loneliness, then began working on myself; becoming more independent over all in the long run.

Svage hjerter vinde aldrig fair damer= Faint hearts never win fair ladies.

Actions speak louder than words. Yea, it's that simple.

reply to post by Hillbilly123069



This is the classic case of looking for something better without letting go of what you have. I had a girl who I saw and I always joked I was her pipeline guy. If she had issues with someone she really wanted to be with she would use me to alienate them, which I was fine with. Her main thing was not to be alone ever. I'm not saying this is what you guys are dealing with, but it seems like the beginning of the end. Once trust is doubted it's so hard to repair that resentment comes in.

2 options, sit her down and be forthright and ask her to show you her phone to prove that she is all yours or do the same thing back to her....now I know some may think of this as childish but if you block her from seeing what you're doing I guarantee she will want to know, it can consume her thoughts just as much as it is yours and sometimes when relationships get stale women are looking for challenges. It may be a spark you need.

sorry bro. I wish you luck, 7 years is a big investment in terms of time and emotions. Most of us have all been there.

reply to post by Hillbilly123069

Wow, that is harsh. Look If she is hiding the fact that you just had a 7th, and blocking someone she has shared 7 years with from seeing if she has played Candy Crush. She is clearly hiding more than that. The writing is on the "wall". If she only has you blocked you could create another FB account and see if her wall is more visible, but I doubt it will be.

This is not okay, and you need to have a conversation about this. Make it CLEAR THIS IS NOT OKAY, nor NORMAL for healthy couples to block each other out from something as public as FB.

Also if she is blocking you out of FB, I hate to say it she is blocking you out from far more than that.

If you are the main money maker, perhaps she is too afraid to leave you because of money. No matter what the reason you need to have a talk, and if she chooses not to comply with what any other healthy relationship would, well it is time for you to take matters into your own hands, and break it off.

I Know she is up to something no good, and I do not even know her. Do not play the fool.

Thank you all. She is 53 saying she is 43 on FB to the cougar lovers. I just turned 44. had issues there for a time. I am stopped cold for 1 reason. She adopted a kid whom is now 5. I have raised this little girl out of diapers. She gets hurt or anything, she will buzz through a crowd of people like a running back to get to me cuz grampa will make it all better. I have no legal claim pn this child and like I said, the woman is bipolar. This is my child. I've raised her, take her to church, out to eat, everything. This is what I fear losing. I will be crushed.

This is my child. I've raised her, take her to church, out to eat, everything. This is what I fear losing. I will be crushed.

reply to post by Hillbilly123069

Well this complicates things, doesn't it?
I'm afraid given the situation the choice is up to you, I can give you advice on women, but this is a completely different matter.

While you're thinking about it, just keep in mind that the little girl will eventually grow up, and start drifting away. And when that happens you'll be back at square one: alone with a woman who doesn't love you...only by that time you'll be a lot older, and starting fresh will have become almost an impossibility.

Whatever you decide, remember that things change, and that what seems like a bad idea now, might actually turn out to be good in the future. Oh and by the by, that goes both ways.

reply to post by Hillbilly123069


My parents are in their fifties/sixties and have been married for decades (since I was 10 years old) and even they had facebook "issues."

Mom would get pissed off when some gal from my dad's high school years posted on his wall; he would get pissed off if she had a wall conversation with one of her old male college buddies - even the ones who are married to her other college buddies. I'm talking about people that neither of them had seen since they were in school! How ridiculous is that?

In the end, they found a way to still have a facebook page and harmony within the home. They created a page together. Neither of them have their own FB page - instead they just share now. They can read each other's messages to and from friends and see each other's activity completely now, so there are no trust issues.

You could always talk to her, tell her your misgivings and suspicions. Then, if she doesn't want/need your faith and trust, there isn't much you can do but decide whether you can stay or not. If she really loves you, she will want to repair the relationship and restore your trust in her. If she wants your trust, she will agree to look thru each other's phones (as suggested above) and you could always suggest a joint FB account.

The joint FB page seriously saved my parents' marriage. No lie, no exaggeration.

I just re-read that last line and it baffles me that something as idiotic as a website on the internet could have ended a 25 year marriage.

I just saw that a child is involved here in your situation as well. Of course that makes it much more difficult....but I still advise open everything. You should be able to look at one another's phones, facebook pages, emails, whatever. That's a rule that Mr. Dustbowl and I have had since day #1: NO SECRETS. We are a few years in, and it's working so far.

I'm sorry you are being treated in such a way that it forces you to make decisions that no one should have to make. I have a firm belief that adult bickering/fighting should never ever get in the way of a parent/child relationship. You shouldn't have to choose between being treated right and keeping this little girl in your life. I hope it's just paranoia and it all works out for you.

Best Wishes,

Dustbowl

Hillbilly123069
My woman told me about meeting her soulmate over the summer at her new job. How they were perfect for each other just meeting at the wrong time in their lifes.

That is all you need to know right there.

If you want proof, get a keylogger.

And after you leave and she dates this guy and finds out that she was completely stupid to believe in such things as soulmates, she will come back, but you will have moved on.

My thoughts, and just my thoughts for what they're worth, is to be the adult in this situation. Clearly your other half is not acting mature here. There's a little one whose life will be impacted if you break up over this. Not to say you should stay in an unhealthy relationship for the child, but be wise and mature yourself when making decisions - as this poor little pays the price of the adults' lack of adult behaviors.

Perhaps schedule a dinner, just the two of you, or a walk (if it's warm where you are), or something. No alcohol. No driving (could get into an argument or something). Away from the child. Away from the "normal" setting.

And then talk. Tell her that you love her (do you?). Tell her what you love about her. Tell her what you need. Tell her your concerns about their future, and that you need to know where her head and heart are at.

Don't argue, accuse, threaten. Just share your true feelings and ask for her truth. See what happens. You should know her well enough by now to know if she's lying or such.

Another option is - can you approach the idea of gaining some type of "custody" of the child? Can you become a guardian or adoptive father? If she's bipolar (???) is she the best "adult" in the child's life right now? Not to say bipolar individuals can't be good parents - but in her case, are her symptoms and behaviors not in the best interest of the child?

I don't personally believe that we have one "soul mate" -- although the love of my life sure felt like one. Even so, I feel that with 7 billion (is that how many there are?) people in the world, there must be many individuals we could be in a loving relationship with - if we were to meet them. (The odds seem to indicate so.) While I've not had the odds in my favor , I'm still hopeful that I'll meet a great man and have another deep loving relationship (eternally optimistic I am!).

I hope things work out well for you. Tough spot to be in. Be the adult. Somebody has to.

reply to post by Hillbilly123069


She is cheating on you.

If not physically then she has already admitted to emotionally.

Women first cheat emotionally, then physically. By the time the physical stuff comes along it's too late. (Not speaking of blackout drunk incidents, those can cause anyone to do something stupid).

Why men care so much about the physical cheating with women is beyond me, the former is so much more dangerous as it can't be undone and is what leads to the physical cheating.

If I were you I'd cut my losses and find someone who sees you as their soul mate and vice versa.

reply to post by Hillbilly123069


Well if she told you she meet her soul mate over the summer and is going all Facebook footsie with him. Good for her, at least she told you that much about it and was is sort of straight up. And it seems to be the way most of them go about things now a days, which is still better then the whole run around guessing who is boinking with who, and it hits you out of the blue as the door slams.

What I think you should do is...And listen careful here as its important...GET ANOTHER WOMAN she does not seem to be interested in you, so why should you be interested in her? Forget all that the one crap or soul mate, all of that is just female speak for she is over you never really was into you and has found somebody else who gets her. Not that is much to get you know.

Also...this.

When in a relationship with a manic depressive with bipolar issues, not everyday is happy. And my very nice motorcycle is snowed in the garage.

Time to get that bike up and running. But more importantly get rid of her, trust me bro if she could and if the situation was reversed she would do the same to you without blinking an eye or thinking about it twice, and it probably is the only reason she still with you is because she cant quite move on so cozily, but when she can...Oh she will.