Breaking Down - A First Person Perspective

reply to post by tayton


I'm so sorry you feel all hope is lost. No one can change the past, you can only learn from it and make yourself a better person. May you find the strength to hang on...it's always darkest before the dawn.

reply to post by Hefficide


Hi Heff,

Klass took the words out of my mouth when he said..

1. I am genuinely glad to see you back at ATS.
2. Thank you for having the courage to share this.
3. Thank you for having the courage to be a real man, and a real human being. (thanks Klass)

Your journey you are going through is one of struggle, as we all do...some more than others. I do mean to sounds flipant, and if so, forgive me but, I tend to say exactly how I sees it.

However, a caterpillar doesn't morph into a butterfly unless it does struggle within it's cocoon.

Things that help me in my struggles of life and the life of helping/struggling/battling my mother out of her manic depression, bi-polar illness for 10 years, yes, I lived with her for a short time during the hardest times.

1) Laugh...and have a good laugh till you cry. Why? Because, a joyful heart (the place where the mind, will and emotions are all at one with each other) makes for a good medicine. For out of it, come the issues of life.

2) Do NOT, be responsible for carrying any more responsibility OTHER THAN, taking care of your mind and body right now. You don't need to work to make a living,you're physical needs are being taking care. Don't need to council others with they issues, don't accept major tasks/responsibility that lock you in a state of regiment besides picking up /cleaning after yourself.

focus on things that bring joy to your heart. You'll know this when you feel it and it's expressive on your face during the day. Look in the mirror, do you see a smile? If not, go back to step 1. Now, as weird as that sounds. Think about a child when all is right in their world. What is the expression on their face?

3) When fighting boredom and looking to do something, pick 1 (one) thing you like to do that brings joy and happiness when you do it...just 1 thing and nothing else. If you have to write 1000 threads on ATS and it brings you that joy and happiness, DO IT!!! But, TRY and not do any thing else until you've mastered that one down. Like on-line gaming/computer gaming ..? GREAT, do it as long as it doesn't interfere with #1 above.

4) This can be a bit of a hard one. DO NOT by any means, associate, chat, hang around with or Eat with, ANYONE that does NOT have YOUR best interest in their heart for you. PERIOD. Be it, 'friends', ....family, or even acquaintances . Why? Because, they will NOT give you their best advice for life. Someone that truly has YOUR best interest in their heart is someone that truly cares for you as a human being and will try and always give you the best advice they can and will treat you with respect.

Example: My best friend, is 100% disabled, has to live on SSI and has done so for 15 years and doesn't have the best of wheels to get around. He didn't have a choice in the matter do to his illness. His immediate family were going to be on a family reunion in another state, they told him...did not ask him, about it. He asked them if they were going and his mother said yes.."but you'll have to come up with a way there...and help out financially with the gas and food"

Needless to say, it turned out to be a HUGE fiasco by the time he went up there. THAT is what I mean. No regard to his financial plight at all and totally did not even really want him to go except for his donations and ridiculed him in front of the other extended family members.

Love you Heff. Be well my friend, you were missed. Message me should you need to chat.

reply to post by Hefficide


Hefficide,

It is with a mixture of relief and some concern that I read of your breakdown, and subsequent recovering status. As you are no doubt aware, people here on the site were concerned for your well being, and missing you badly. There were actually threads which, without referring to you by name, were clearly authored on the topic of your absence, and the authors concern for your well fare. I think it is no element of overstatement to say, that your absence was felt throughout the majority of the membership. I remember thinking on quite a few occasions, "This would be a thread which I would have though Hefficide would comment on, ordinarily speaking." and being thrown off my game somewhat by the conspicuous absence of your wise commentary in such matters.

What surprised me the most about the effect of your absence, was just how notable it was from my perspective. You have always struck me as somewhat of a stand up guy, during your many posts and contributions to the site, but we have not interacted directly on very many occasions, and despite that, even I felt that something just was not right when you were MIA.

I am however glad that you are getting the help that you need with regard to your circumstances of living, and in so far as dealing with your issues goes, and to hear that you are physically safe, and approaching things with a more positive outlook. I would also hope that you will remember that no matter how bleak and terrible things are at any one moment, your fellow members here are rooting for you, praying for you, and generally thinking of you. This website is full of unique characters, interacting together. Whether this place more closely resembles a community, than a family, I suppose is a matter of opinion. But I am of late, increasingly sure that this site is as much a family of thought as it is anything else, and with respect to that, I hope you know how important you are to this family.

As mentioned, you are a stand up guy, and I wish you the very best of fortune with regards to your immediate situation, and indeed your long term well being.

Some days it's gonna rain, so you just have to grab your umbrella and go through it. It will get sunny again, there's no doubts about that. You just have to be sure and dump the water out of your boots while drying out.

Good luck Heff

reply to post by IWant2Believe323


I made my bed, the OP's turnaround gave me reason to ponder but in the end some things can't be fixed or it's too damn late

Thanks for your thoughts

Heff,
Thank you for sharing so openly. You have been missed. You gave a lot of us good scare but, we were so happy when we heard you were getting help. Never forget that you do make a difference in many people's lives.

I've only got a couple of minutes tonight to reply - so this will all be a bit disorganized...

To the folks who asked about which SSRI is working for me:

Celexa - 20mg once per day.

To the person who asked what it's like to have a psychotic break:

That one is difficult to answer and is likely a very subjective experience from person to person. In my case it's a bit like losing ones temper - only without the anger. If you've ever had a moment where momentary rage led you to throw something or say hateful things.... leaving you a moment later at a total loss as to why you reacted that way? It's kind of the same feeling, just drawn out over a period of hours rather than instantly. It's the same disconnect from being in control to not having control. In my situation the PTSD tends to lead to interpreting input in an irrational way - or rather reacting to input irrationally. Such as described in the OP where I discussed being resolved to hitchhike to California. In the moment it seemed like a very lucid idea and only later did my rational mind manage to squeeze in a bit of reasoning regarding the logistics involved.

In fact if you've ever gotten drunk and acted out of character? Much the same thing as well..... and one of the reasons I rarely drink these days.

Hefficide

But as time went on, and we drove deeper and deeper into the middle of nowhere... Well, my inner-ATSer began to kick in.

I laughed so hard when I read this paragraph! I feel you brother! I'd be freaking out too in that situation haha. Excellent story mate. I'm glad things have taken a positive turn for you. I can definitely relate to your trials & tribulations (minus the missing persons bit - so far!).

Take it easy man. Good luck out there.

Namaste

Heff, I can't say much more than what has been, but thanks for sharing your story, and I'm just really glad that you're alright.

Take care of yourself, keep things nice and slow for a while.

Ismail.

Dear Heff,
It saddens my heart that the word "ill" has been used to describe you.
I think a more appropriate word would be..."brilliant".

With love and respect,
jacygirl

The only problem with you Heff is that you have a conscience, you care. I have a lot of problems because so many things worry me and I hate to hear about people or animals suffering, but I get really mad, or drunk and release. You keep your calm all the time, at least on here. I hope you find peace and can keep on keepin on as the "Daryl" I respect lol, and stay around here for a long, long time

a reply to: Hefficide
I wish I could express what I'd like to..I know I'm among others who have experienced similar things. I invited darkness in to my life when I was young, and it seems to have taken over. I am lost. I dont want to be. I need help. I have killed the innocent, betraying both them and myself, but their pain and betrayal was evil. I did it. I did it all. I have tortured those I supposedly love, for what means, I dont know. I have taken innocence and flushed it like I would a bowl movement. I am guilty, and for that I will burn. I am afraid, and I should be...but I never wanted it this way.

a reply to: BoscoMoney

I'm thinking about putting myself in a place, in a inpatient situation. Will this make my insurance more expensive in the future? I ask because I am a giant POS who contributes nothing to this marriage, financially or otherwise yet I do have insurance...but I will not do anything that makes it a bigger burden for my wife.

I just wanted to pop in and say I'm glad to know you're safe and getting help. I also wanted to say that you are one of my favorite writers, on ATS and off. You have a real gift. It's rare that someone is so capable of expressing their thoughts through writing in a way that makes the reader feel like they're a part of a friendly conversation.

a reply to: Hefficide
Hi, Heff'
Genuine thanks for the OP... !!!!!
Except for being 'committed', I had an extremely similar experience 7 years ago...
It's something I live with...and, while, professionally, I am considered 'exceptionally desirable'...many/most in my profession are also well-acquainted with that episode...and... well ...anyway...
Just wanted to say that I miss you on these boards...
Hope you are doing well...and the progress is continuing...
And...really hope to see you 'round here, soon, as --- the next season of Walking Dead is not too far off...

When you can... If ...you can... Please let us know how things are going for you ... ...or...just...that you're okay...
Sincere Regards,
WanDash

a reply to: Hefficide

Nice to see you're back.

Thanks for sharing. This thread does explain the condition of some of your threads I used to read in the years past.

Makes perfect sense actually.



See you around.