Breaking Down - A First Person Perspective

reply to post by Hefficide


That was brave of you to express your condition, and I am glad you have received the help you needed. I hope everything goes well and you get your disability.

reply to post by Hefficide

You bear a wonderful gift of expression with a real talent for writing. Thank you sharing with us a deeply personal account outlining courage of the human spirit to endure with great strength. Your path toward acceptance and healing is inspirational and may that road of healing toward inner peace keep lighting the path within and around you, flowing unto all those around you encounter. Clearly you have affected many here positively and you are loved dearly, close and afar. Blessings to you.

I love you, man. Funny, I'm very close to the Bama/GA line, too. I still have your Christmas present: A BIG box of I wanna come see you. Please u2u or fb.

Yet another great thread, btw. You still got "it." Figures it would be from a psych job. Figures a psych job like me would love it. It ain't easy being a genius, eh? We can co-commiserate on that heheh.

I am very jealous about your eyesight, though.

Did I say I love you, man?

reply to post by Hefficide


Nice to see you back Heff

Good thread

S&F

We're all so grateful you found help and that you feel like you are on more solid ground. You have my prayers and best wishes for continued good health and recovery.

The replies here and in the many Heff threads that popped up as well as FB are a true testament to your kind nature and unselfish outlook. It's also a lesson on how each of us make a diffrence in the lives of others whether we realize it or not.

You felt weak yet little did you know you were a rock for so many here. It's more proof that each of us has a purpose, even when we feel lost. But we're so glad you are found.

reply to post by Hefficide


One of the best things I've read in a long time - in more ways than one and on more than one level

It's so good to see you're back

reply to post by Hefficide

Thank you for your honesty, Hefficide... For being real, in a world where so many feel the need to fake it.

You said 'ask anything' and I do have questions. At the risk of sounding nosey or insensitive, I wonder if you would mind describing the symptoms of your psychotic episode. Definitions always give a broad range of 'might experience the following' but I cannot quite grasp exactly what it all means.

Did your 5 senses seem to experience the world differently? How? Did you know it at the time or think the world was different and not your interpretation of it... (hope that makes sense-- hard to get my point across!)

Does a psychotic episode seem to have a sort of predictable sequence? Like 'Onset' to 'Peak' to 'Recovery' - (for lack of better terms.)

Do different people have different 'triggers' and are they related to some kind of hurtful experience specific to that person's formative years, or is this strictly a chemical imbalance and totally unrelated to any past experience?

This has always been a mysterious illness to me, and I applaud your openness to help people like me, who really do care, better understand what exactly it is like to walk your road. Please just ignore any question you do not feel like answering.

God Bless!

Just want to say how refreshing it is to hear your story - not many have the guts to be so honest. I am truly happy for you, and I'm glad you took the time to post.

And as a side note - keep trying for the disability. Our son, before he passed away at the age of 6, was disabled with a Chromosomal abnormality - and HE was denied twice before they finally declared him disabled. You have to keep at it - they don't always like to give it to people that need it, for some reason, but they will relent if you don't back down.

Keep it up - it sounds like you're doing great!

Very well-written and interesting story. I wish you the best, and if you don't have any other particular life path in mind, might I suggest you should become a writer. You have talent.

Keeping your promise to your friend to go to the hospital was so important. I encourage anyone who suffers episodes to keep a promise to seek safety if they start having symptoms. I am so happy you have found stability and hope. You can tell how invested all of us here on ATS are for one another. A global family that sticks together and truly cares. Our strength resides in our willingness to be honest and accepting of others and respectful of their views.

Thank you for sharing who you are!

Heff I have always enjoyed your posts and have often wondered where you were. So nice to have you back and thank you for sharing such a personal part of yourself in order to help others, much respect to you. I look forward to future posts.

reply to post by Hefficide


I did noticed that you weren't around anymore , but hey everybody has things to do I would think. Not knowing what the hell you were going trough.. I know in some way what you're talking about my mother had the same thing , and she was full aware of it , I love her but I lost her..

Me on the other hand , I once had myself volunteered being treated with half-day sessions within a psychiatry. Because I wanted to know if my bad youth had caused border line. Self precaution I would say. They said I had none of that.

If you knew my story you would be amazed , I've been rock bottom build it up and hit rock bottom again. Lost half my family within two years ago..But I'm back with a wife and three beautiful kids

I find it hard to really say somebody is mental Ill because the brain complex as the universe itself.They say that the smartest people in the world are actually autistic but they know how to control that burden and hide it from the world. That's why you see great leaders eventually fall to pieces because the cat sooner or later wants to escape the sac ..

Well now we probably will see you around here in time I guess?So let me give you the welcome back handshake and let your mind fill the threads here...

Best wished Hefficide. I am glad you are feeling better.

To be honest, I am unsure of what a breakdown actually is. I know that folks have emotional, mental, and even temporary issues. Depression can be long term, or just a fleeting moment. Emotional issues could be remedied by behavior changes and perhaps a replacement for the missing thing. Mental issues may be treated with medication and/or therapy.

A full breakdown is an enigma to me. I'm not saying it does not exist, nor do I doubt the validity of it. I do find that your story has made me a more informed person. I appreciate your candor and your information may help someone, somewhere.

I think, for your continued success, you might start a blog dedicated to your daily progress. It may be more cathartic for you and perhaps help others without hope. Your writing skills are excellent and I feel this could be a perfect medium for your current and future success.

Thank you for sharing.

Thanks to all who have replied!

To the few of you who are friends here and elsewhere and who expressed their appreciation and love, please all know that those feelings are absolutely and humbly reciprocated and returned. Y'all are family.

I only have time to answer a few posts right now, but will be back tomorrow to try and fully catch up.

reply to post by watchitburn


My posting will remain fairly sporatic for the time being. I have a mobile WiFi Hotspot - but the data charges per gig are steep enough that I am using it very sparingly.

reply to post by godWhisperer


I truly do not know what made the Doctor behave differently this time. I have never been frivilous about going to the ER and only have shown up there when things were truly in a severe state ( whether it be a breakdown, or medication reaction, or massive panic attack ). My personal theory is that he finally got sick of seeing me and decided to ship me a few hours down the road. LOL

reply to post by projectbane

projectbane

Does this in any way effect your ability to moderate indiscriminately and without prejudice? After all in any other postion of authority, school teacher, nurse, LEO you may be required to relinquish your position. I think this is fair question.

I am not sure how an illness might equate to indisciminate or prejudicial behavior. I have been on staff for years now and have not displayed any behavior of the sort. Besides, moderation here is done by consensus so that mitigates the risk of any one of us going rogue. I imagine that if I were to become deluded and unable to behave rationally the owners and staff would do the right thing and ask me to step down.

projectbane

And, because you have very forwardly offered up that you have a mental illness problem, how do you know that what you say happened, actually happened?

Thank you for asking this question, as it allows an opportunity to educate a bit. Not all mental illnesses cause delusions, hallucinations, false beliefs, etc. In my case I have no issues with discerning what is real and what is not - at least externally. During panic attacks I may feel as though I am having a heart attack - or something of that nature. But it is only on an emotional level and internally that my wiring seems to be fried.

projectbane

I know I am not showing the compassion that others do and that is not for wishing to be rude but I dont find compassion very appealing. You told a story, and I just have those two questions. You state at the end we can ask, so I am asking!

No need to apologize at all. Though I will say that compassion - how we treat others - truly is a reflection of how we see ourselves. Food for thought.

It didnt read as scattered and complex to me at all. I thought it flowed nicely.

Anyway, I dont know you, I only know of you and I wont act like I understand your situation but Im just seeing this as your brother. Ive never chatted with you or even responded to a comment youve made, to my knowledge.... But I just want to let you know that I care. I care about you and every other ATSer. ATS may not be a unique community, but it sure feels like it and most of us here gain a little something by being a part of it. Im just happy that youve found yourself and that youve found promise. I hope things keep looking up for ya!

Your story hits home....

My life is in shambles. I've pulled away from the world. I've been well respected at times, on the wanted list at others. I've failed at living honestly and failed as a criminal. I am capable of tremendous good and horrific bad, I can't just seem to figure life out and I am tired, looking back at the waste saddens me so much. Loves lost, I frigging ache, if I think, I'm finished, I know it.

It's like I'm waiting now...

Hefficide
I realize that this thread is a bit scattered and probably hard to follow.

not at all...everyone's crazy, heff, there's just varying degrees.

reply to post by Hefficide


dear heff,

i really don't know you nor you do to me.. and you seem like a pretty nice person with the way you respond, your words and how you compose your sentences.

if it's alright, i'd like to ask how you manage to muster up all that courage to be open about these issues? the first thing that comes to mind that would intimidate me to be open about it are all the ridiculing thoughts i imagine that others would have. not to mention the so subtle sarcasm and condescension in the others' speech they think i don't detect it and they try so hard to mask it with all that "compassion". i'm more inclined to think that being anonymous or creating an alternate personality to show to others is better although it takes a lot of effort maintaining that.. i imagine you've come to the point where you just don't give a damn about what others think.. or their negative thoughts at least.. but i find that more difficult because if i block all those negative feedback, i get worried whether i become too proud that i don't have a bad side anymore because i don't listen to their criticisms altogether. creating an alternate personality but not totally different, yet showing some aspects of who i really am inside, at least if/when i get negative feedback i feel safe enough that it's just a little thing they know and the alternate personality is creating this buffer of distance from them that makes me feel safer and calm and peaceful. others will think its cowardice and they can say what they want but i'd rather hide and keep my solitude than expose myself to all that suffering in their judgmental looks or words.

i don't know if i'm making any sense at all, it's hard to put into words. reading your posts and how you can put it all out, to some degree i envy that. but then i imagine all the trouble in responding to the others who are not so nice, makes me think all that is not worth it. so how you manage to muster up all that courage to be open about these issues? do you have desire to integrate back into "society"? coz i certainly don't have that desire.

sincerely,

reply to post by reject


We're all a bunch of cracked eggs...but isn't that also what makes us unique? I for one, wouldn't have it any other way.