A Forwarded Email from a normal person who has turned into a real conspiracy person!! Funny

QUOTE:

As we progress into 2014, I want to thank you for
your educational, comments, e-mails and directing me to ATS over the past year. I am
totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I can no longer open a bathroom door without using
a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in
my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on
the lemon peel.
I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can
only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been
driving because the number one pastime while driving alone
is picking one's nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I
can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have
consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed
it on the floor of a public toilet.
I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet
sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for
the same reason.
I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up
in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish
within five minutes.
Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes
seven different types of cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face,
disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a
needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me..
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with
calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan ..
Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me
instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a
dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably
placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten
by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land
on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the
fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s
ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's
beautician!
Oh, and by the way...
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity
read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
I was told by a Doctor's e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out
of the toilet..
NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A GREAT DAY

I did think it was funny

reply to post by 727Sky


You got it then

I was worried TPTB may have intercepted it

Cody

Looks to me that we're doing a good job of spreading the madness...I mean truth,

Good work fellow ATS Members!

Peace

cody599
reply to post by 727Sky

 

You got it then

I was worried TPTB may have intercepted it

Cody

LOL

reply to post by 727Sky

And this is why I refer NONE of my friends to ATS. I want it ALL for myself!!

Did this really happen? Or are they being serious?

That is quite alot to worry about in one sitting...can't say I ever thought about those things after I found this site. I guess everyone is different. Quite humorous with lengthy details.

DAMN!!!!!

I thought I had it bad, all I worry about because of ATS is Comets hitting earth every few weeks and some alphabet agency kicking in my door in the middle of the night to take me away never to be heard from again.

What threads is your friend reading??

Actually dont tell me, Im messed up enough as it is

Sounds like another satisfied customer to me!

...and our collective work and effort is done for another year. Time to start on the next crop to arrive in 2014!

...so many happy and carefree people. So little time to convert them all into shivering masses of scared goo.

Was that email from Bob Wiley?

He didn't mention Nirubu. Or NSA.

He's a shill for the government!

Covering up the imminent collision!

AAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Dude what about the reptilians?
How can you forget the reptoids?

Not even warned about cell phones!? This person has been misinformed, blame the NSA!

I think everyone in my family has figured out to STOP sending me stupid crap like this....

And certainly none of my friends do....

It's only funny about the first thousand times you see it....then, well, not so much....

zeroBelief
I think everyone in my family has figured out to STOP sending me stupid crap like this....

And certainly none of my friends do....

It's only funny about the first thousand times you see it....then, well, not so much....

Let me check.

Yup, still funny.

Wait awhile...it'll all sink in.

Welcome to ATS!

Peace

I observe that many of his points are infection-based.
"Embrace the world's built-in immune system workout, my man..."

reply to post by 727Sky


That was pretty funny. Nice read.

It's also why I stay out of the medical issues forum.

reply to post by 727Sky


Rat poop in envelope glue?
Lol well I have a better reason to use a sponge, I've said it before and I'm sure this won't be the last time -
DO NOT smear your DNA onto an envelope, then go drop it in a box marked "US GOVERNMENT", while paying them for it.
Duh.

reply to post by jude11


You got it right there bud, as spreading the Truth is Maddening! LOL! Syx.

reply to post by 727Sky


Very Kool! And it does about sum it all up! LOL! Syx.

reply to post by 727Sky


That is HILARIOUS!!

Thank you for the laughter!