reply to post by bigfatfurrytexan
Thank you so very much for your unabashed candor, I respect that. In turn I will share because I think our personal experiences go a long way in
making sense of this "False Beauty" phenomenon.
I only had 2 boyfriends while I was in school, one when I was in 8th grade who was in 9th, on the wrestling team and never once admitted to a soul
that he even knew who I was. If it weren't for complete nievety in the area of sexual mechanics, I would have lost my virginity to him at the age of
14. The 2nd was a year later and I was the one who denied knowing him. I have carried a lot of shame for that because, well obviously because it was a
shameful thing to do. After many years of reflection it finally made sense that I did that because I simply thought, with my ego or reptilian brain,
that was the way it was done.
With my low self esteem I made the choice to lose my virginity to my cousin's ex-boyfriend who was in competition with his friend to collect
virginities. It doesn't get much more ridiculous than that, I was just so tired of being the only girl I knew who was a virgin at age 17 (sad really
when I look back at it). There were a few guys in between, every last one of them older than me by at least 5 years, and then I got pregnant to my
manager at work who was 16 years older than me and 3 years younger than my mom (my mother could be a "topic" all on her own *sigh*). I had my 1st
son at 19 and lived the next 5 years of my life firmly under the thumb of my then husband, had another child and only ever worked when we needed to
make ends meet. Even then I only worked where ever he worked. I was told on a regular basis that I was all used up and no one else would ever want me,
so I might as well make the best of it... after all, it could be worse.
It wasn't until that relationship was over and I met my 2nd husband that I realized I was actually attractive. While we were dating my 2nd husband
bought me contact lenses and clothes that fit me well. We went out on real dates, in public where there were other people. Men would look at me and
even hit on me. Instead of being angry, my husband was proud and would tell me I was beautiful. Like you, texan, he seemed to almost worship my
stretch marks and baby pouch as he called it. He built me up in ways that I didn't think were even possible. Marriage isn't easy and we have faced
more challenges than most, severe financial mostly and then we have a lot of issues with my middle son (2nd hubby adopted my oldest 2 and we have one
together). We have seperated a few times and during those seperations I have been less than, eh hem, ladylike if you will.
That is behind me, but it is also something I have carried shame about. But here's the rub, I tried really hard to turn each of those encounters into
a relationship. It was like I was obsessed with finding the next best thing, always looking for something better, something grander, the ultimate
upgrade if you will. It's simply because I, we, all of us are bombarded with images of the same, something better, grander, the ultimate upgrade or
we're just not happy. How could we be happy if we don't have a good looking mate, a beautiful home with all the accessories, a brand new car and of
course let's not forget, we can't truly be happy and whole if we're fat and ugly!