Introspection... and the search for the next thing...

Every year, I find myself in this confusing state of not knowing what I want to do with my life. I've never been much of a goal-setter, and after 37 years, I only have a very basic understanding of what activities I'd do if I didn't do anything else.

I've been doing the job that I do now (at various companies) for about 15 years now, and it seems to be what I'm good at... and sort of what I do even in my spare time (I break stuff, professionally.) Sometimes, it seems like it might be nice to make things... but I'd want something tangible. I can't fit in with the software developers I am in constant interaction with. I just ain't wired that way.

In previous lives, I've raised worms for bait, I've cooked and cleaned in small kitchens, I've stocked shelves, picked orders and driven forklifts, and I've led groups of developers that deal with software support of a national phone service. It seems like if I were to lose my job today, I could go back to just driving a forklift. (Forks go up... forks go down. Rear wheel steering is fun, and you can use the safety cage to do chin-ups while waiting to clear pallets from the mezz.)

Back on track.

I tend to be an ideas guy, as I continue thinking about situations after other people give up, and I am quite good at combining solutions that are already in place with approaches from other industries, other materials, other cultures... I work out patterns and process flows for myself so that if I ever need to repeat an activity, I can do it with my eyes closed... but I get bored of doing the same thing. I take things apart to see how they work, and see if I can make them better... or even just spark an idea of alternatives.

I frequently get stuck analyzing a situation and do not act in time to achieve the desired outcome. I am told this is a common stumbling block on the way to leadership. Analysis Paralysis.

Further, how can a person lead with no idea of where they're going? Nevertheless, I am on a leadership track at work. People like to follow me... which I guess is a good thing.... though unfortunately, most of the time when I reach the end of a day, I just want to people to go away and leave me alone.

I try not to talk to people about things that I believe, because someone is typically offended, or tries to challenge it. I really do believe in next to nothing. I don't believe we, as humans, know anything at all. We have our observations, and we have a lot of science that is believed absolutely by "science" nazis... but I think everything we know is subjective, making questioning of the official story not only interesting, but imperative.

I generally enjoy doing anything creative, but largely started that as a way of expressing myself during a childhood of crippling introvertedness. I am a firm believer in rules (mostly as far as language is concerned), but also a firm believer that understanding of the rules gives you license to bend them, or disregard them for effect, or for outcome.

So... there's a basic insight into my personality. Now we can get to a question:

How do I figure out what I actually want to aim this life toward? How do I figure out what I actually like to do, when there is nothing (short of my wife and daughter) that angries up the blood, that drives me forward, and that -- when encountered -- captures my full attention?

Has anyone out there ever overcome such a thing? After a lifetime of "meh" finding an "Aha!"?

Now... that was a lot to read, and I thank you for sticking around. Did I delve too much into the crazy?

"Believe in nothing, not even yourself."

That you phrase your question using the term "aim" and not, "what goal(s) should I strive towards", is interesting to me. Perhaps that goes back to the importance you say you place on language.

Your question may be it's own answer. It has compelled you to write this, it must 'stir up' something in you. Nothing wrong with sticking with a question. It will burn hotter with time and the more it burns within you, the more you will be driven (and open) to what it is you seek.

It sounds like you have a strong yearning to make your creative ideas a reality. Often the most difficult steps in getting started is trying to decide what you want to do. Try writing all of your ideas down and then narrowing it down from there. You've probably heard it a million times, but I will reiterate: pick something you think you would absolutely enjoy doing all of the time. Once you decide on this give it everything you've got. You're still young at 37, and it's never too late to try something new.

As you are on this site you must have more than a passing interest in the mysterious side of life have you thought of undertaking a creative project?. They say everyone has a novel in them and by that logic everyone must have a movie in them too or a game concept or some other creative contribution to the world.

Wow. Good answers.

Yes. There are projects that remain out there. Tomorrow, I catalog.