reply to post by OpinionatedB
I quite understand.
Very much understand--professionally and experientially.
Perhaps something like:
Probably as a snail mailed letter for her to ponder over without you there, on the phone or online with her. That way, she can't rebut you at
I'll never have another birth mother. I would prefer a good, mutually constructive relationship with you.
PLEASE UNDERSTAND MOTHER, THAT IF AND WHEN YOU RESPOND TO THIS--I WILL CUT OFF THE COMMUNICATION IF YOU SAY ANYTHING
NEGATIVE ABOUT ME. The main response I'm looking for is your earnest and genuine commitment to do your best to comply with my requirement to stop
spewing poison when you communicate with me.
You have said plenty of negative poison stuff for 12 lifetimes and I'll not tolerate any more of it. I simply won't.
You are my mother, Not my Hitlarian gestapo jailer and executioner.
All the earlier years of our relationship--it has SEEMED IMPOSSIBLE that we COULD have a mutually loving relationship. Is it?
IT'S UP TO YOU.
I would like you as a nurturing mother.
I'm not willing to have you as judge, jury and executioner always bringing up my faults and railing at me negatively and destructively.
That is simply not functional for me.
That does NOT help me and it does not help you. It has not helped me lo these many years and it never will. I have other people in my life who can
help me CONSTRUCTIVELY to see where I can improve. All your negative words have ever been to me is destruction and despair. Despair helps no one.
I'm sorry you had a rotten childhood without sufficient nurturing from your parents. That does not mean you get to spew poison all over me every time
we have a communication. That is deadly to both of us. It is deadly to our relationship. I will not willingly, knowingly to participate in that any
WHEN you communicate negatively to me,
I FEEL like a Luke-warm pile of puke. I do not NEED to feel like a Luke-warm pile of puke. You do not need to leave your offspring feeling that way
from every contact with you.
[When you put it: "When you ....(the behavior) . . .
I FEEL (your feelings) . . . you leave her responsibility for her behavior and you take responsibility for your feelings. She doesn't have the power
to FORCE you to feel a certain way unless you give her that power. Take it back. Avoid saying "You make me feel . . . " She can't MAKE you unless you
allow it and participate. You can choose to have a different response.
See her as a pathetic miserable person--as she undoubtedly is or she wouldn't spew poison. Choose what sort and what degree of relationship and how
you'll handle it. Cut it off at the roots when it doesn't measure up to your minimal standards.]
Mom, I'm simply NOT WILLING to allow you to continue to communicated destructively to me. Actually, I encourage you to get a counselor and deal with
the destructive negative self-concept and poison in your inner person that you keep spewing so liberally all over me and however many others. It would
be tragic for you to die with such poison continually bubbling over from within you.
This is not negotiable.
Let me emphasize again. This is NOT negotiable. I will NOT be seduced by you into being your whipping post any more, any longer. Not at all. Zip.
Nadda, Nothing like that at all. Fini. It's over.
If you are determined to end the last years of your life wallowing in a fetid stinking shrinking pile of self-inflicted misery, I can't stop you. But
I do NOT have to join you any longer. And I won't.
Thankfully, I have learned enough functional things in life to be pretty good at . . . . (List your strengths--all your strengths--even partial almost
I will not have you trashing and ignoring my good strengths any longer--particularly while you force me to listen to your irrational mostly unfounded
rants on how imperfect I am. You're not the paragon picture of perfection either. But I don't rant at you every communication. That's not love. That's
not kindness. That's craziness to do such a thing to the offspring you're supposed to love and nurture.
If you don't have the first clue about how to nurture--go learn from someone who does. Otherwise you'll die a miserable, lonely old hag with fewer and
fewer people willing to get within 100' of you.
I want to emphasize again. This is NOT negotiable.
IF I get a letter back from you that is constructive, healthy, nurturing, I would likely be willing to have a 5-10 min phone call to try it out. If on
such a phone call, you say one negative thing about me, I'll stop you. If you continue to say it, I'll end the call immediately.
I'm willing to help you learn how to manage such a different kind of relationship--to a point. I won't put up with much negativity at all. I'll stop
you in mid-sentence and/or hang up. No other option is on the table. None.
You are still alive. You still have a brain. You CAN learn new habits as difficult as it might be.
You'd be wise to get a top flight counselor help you with such junk. I'm not your counselor.
I simply will not tolerate more negative spewing from you AT ALL.
I don't deserve it. And I won't tolerate it.
A list of people happen to know I have a lot of qualities worth breathing air and taking up space with. If you don't, your loss.
My self-esteem and self-respect and sense of self-worth have been shredded and mangled by you and dad long enough. I'm more than done with that.
It is challenging to cobble together the sufficient self-esteem, self-respect and self-worth necessary to get up in the morning and make a successful,
worthwhile day of it but I'm getting better at it, with a little help from my friends.
I'll not work so hard at all that only to have you work so hard to knock me back into some imaginary cesspool that you seem to enjoy swimming in. No
In short, Mom, Get a life. Quit spewing death into the lives of those you were supposed to love and nurture.
Take your time to respond to this. Do not call me for at least 2 weeks of thoughtful pondering what I've written above. If you call before 2 weeks,
I'll hang up on you.
You'd be wisest to take my letter to a good counselor and discuss it first.
I'm quite serious and I'm more than willing to back up my words with actions.
= = = = = =
It's not magic. It's hard work. And you can only do your part. But you can do your part. BTW, there's a great book called BOUNDARIES . . .
It might well be worth your time.
BOUNDARIES: WHEN TO SAY KNOW; HOW TO SAY YES TO TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE.
Please keep me posted hereon or by U2U. I care about what happens with you.
I understand that parents are acting out of THEIR ATTACHMENT DISORDERED childhoods. However, the buck MUST stop somewhere. Enough is enough.
I do NOT know how fragile your mother is. I doubt she's fragile at all. Most such folks are as tough as nails.
However, IF you think she's fragile and vulnerable to suicidal depression, take such a letter to your own counselor and see if you can work out
bite-sized workable chunks to feed her over time. Or, if she has a counselor--take it to her counselor.
edit on 12/12/2013 by BO XIAN because: typos