PLEASE HELP a old veteran of ATS with his dilemma.

reply to post by Winged-Sphinx


I think you should like you said get a new job and forget about her. What you are going through is not love, in fact it just may be the opposite of it. In all its just a phase, one that is prolonged by you because of your leanings and her because well females like to keep there options open, and others in there pockets just in case something goes south.

If I were you I would have ended it a long time ago. In fact I would not been so nice and pretty about it, if I had to I would even start making # up just to get rid of her.

But then there is this. Your quote I believe.

It's like being on a yo-yo. Except everytime i get thrown away i come back a little closer. I know most of you are saying stay away purely on the basis of her actions and the fact she's taken. But i'm in too deep. I have only the choice of either stopping the friendship or making a move. But i admire her loyalty in the fact she hasn't kissed me.

Go get your head checked. I do believe you have something of what I like to call the "crazys" You ain't thinking straight. I think you said this has been going on for a few years now, and if she were anywhere near serious it would have happened years ago, females in general like I said have a few strung along just in case and because its a power/ego trip for them, in fact most young females that age go through that phase, and its only compounded on in such situations that she is in sometimes for the simple fact that she is bored at home and tired of her old routine. Your both deluded, and I believe we have all been there in one form or another at one point. But its kind of obvious that this is likely a dead end street.

I love these threads, they read so romantically.....

......I'm caught on every word.

But then, reality sinks in.

You're both 22. So young, so full of vigor and lust, and obviously desire one another. I'd caution against workplace romance, but nevermind me. Follow your heart, and be true to that.

Romance has no place in this cruel world, it's a thing of the past, but IF you have the chance to follow through, whether win or fail, simply go for it. Life is full of disappointments, and it's better to have loved, and lost, than never to have loved at all.

Screwy kids.

Take the moment. Search your soul. If it's meant to be, it WILL BE. Don't force the future, just go with the flow. Savour the moment, not the outcome. You're only young once, and life will hand you lemons, but it's up to YOU to make lemonade.

I only have one thing to say. Do not do anything with her while she is with her boyfriend, if you you are completely in the wrong. I have zero respect for anyone who would do that.

Walk away, if she follows you, it was meant to be, if she stays then move on.

reply to post by Winged-Sphinx


Dude... I am probably the last person to take advice from, because I have been boned over in various ways by relationships.

However, my take on this, is that even if this lady is some sort of fairytale on legs, you need to look at this objectively. Does it do you any honour, to have a dalliance with this woman while she remains with this other man? I would say no, no it does not. If you love yourself even nearly as much as you would have to, in order to carry out a healthy relationship, you will wait until the lady is available. Also, since it would do her no honour to be cheating on her current fellow, it would not be the loving thing to do, to allow her to compromise her dignity in that manner. It would be disrespectful on your part to engage her in an affair, something that you must want to avoid if you care for her at all.

If this is meant to be, then she will leave her current boyfriend, sort her life out a bit, and start a relationship with you the right way. Whatever you decide, make sure both of you retain your self respect, dignity, and honour. Loss of these things (and I speak from experience here) is much MUCH worse than missing a mere opportunity.

reply to post by Winged-Sphinx


I guess i have no choice then.
To forget all close and compassionate glimpses.

She wouldn't leave him,ever. Yet still threw out shards of hope as if she had a 'choice'.
But if she cares so much about me,why would she do this to me.

I guess there's only 2 answers.
1.The love between her and her partner just isn't what it used to be,and has fallen for someone else. But due to comfort,security and memories,she is not willing to make the leap of faith. Such a gamble i guess.

2. She enjoy's the idea pf my attention and just keeps pulling me in and throwing me out because she know i will come crawling back. A power trip. An addictive power trip. But then that would mean everything she's ever done is purely for her own egotistical fulfillment.

The moments shared felt so damn real,but were they all just..an delusional power trip?nothing more?

What if she genuinely loves me and will NEVER leave her partner. Wouldn't she lose out on an opportunity?

What if she actually left him?wouldn't that mean he becomes the almighty 'EX'. A threat to me?

Then the idea of this event re-occurring?

God dammit. I 'think' i'm in love with her,but..her vision of what she see's me as is constantly blurry.

God save me from the dreadful outcome..

reply to post by Winged-Sphinx


Bottom line, you are not her man. As a woman I will tell you what the others here can't. Stop looking at what she says and start looking at what she does. You are "in too deep" and she hasn't even kissed you enough said. You are a side bit of drama for her old stable relationship, that is it. Time for you to move on or forever be her plaything. And really even if the story played out where you won the girl, you will always be looking over your shoulder for the guy about to do it to you with her.

reply to post by KeliOnyx


:/

I guess,you're right
I have no choice...

reply to post by Winged-Sphinx


It isn't all bad news, one day she may find herself in a place where the two of you can act on being together. But right now if anything became of the two of you, it will always have the cloud of what was shadowing it. That my friend is not a promising foundation. Also part of what is driving this attraction the two of you have going on is because it is forbidden. You take that out of the equation and the strength of it will quickly fade. But really two years and she hasn't kissed you. Yeah she really isn't feeling you.

reply to post by Winged-Sphinx

She wouldn't leave him,ever. Yet still threw out shards of hope as if she had a 'choice'. But if she cares so much about me,why would she do this to me.

OMG dude. The answer is simple, like I said. Its just a thing, a phase, and she does not, here in bolded letters here so you better grasp the situation...SHE DOES NOT CARE ALL THAT MUCH ABOUT YOU.

I guess there's only 2 answers.
1.The love between her and her partner just isn't what it used to be,and has fallen for someone else. But due to comfort,security and memories,she is not willing to make the leap of faith. Such a gamble i guess. 2. She enjoy's the idea pf my attention and just keeps pulling me in and throwing me out because she know i will come crawling back. A power trip. An addictive power trip. But then that would mean everything she's ever done is purely for her own egotistical fulfillment.

Number 2 is more closer to the truth or so it seems.

There is a bible quote, get familiar with it, it goes something like this. "Thessalonians 5:21...Test all things, but hold fast to that which is good"

But hey you dont believe me. Here do this, test your little theory out, I dont even think you would have to put much effort into it either. Why dont you do this. How about you stop indulging her, quit feeding her ego and her little power trip, you can even go the lets just be friends route after all it seems that is what she wants to be...Right? But yes! Do that. And watch how fast that whole love thing, and lets be friends thing fly's out the door.

Like magic, like it never existed.

Or if it doesn't. Then that either means this is likely more of a headache then you thought, or there "may" and I say "may" be something there. My money is that the whole thing will fall apart fast, like a deck of cards, like sand castle when the tide comes in. Which is no biggie dude! As its better that happen, then to keep dragging this thing on and on and on.

And on and on and on.
And on and on and on.
And on and on and on.

ETC.

The moments shared felt so damn real,but were they all just..an delusional power trip?nothing more?

All moments are real, even the real fake moments.

What if she genuinely loves me and will NEVER leave her partner. Wouldn't she lose out on an opportunity?

NO! There are no such things, things either are or are not. Listen to the little green man, I mean yoda offcourse. "do or do not, there is no try" And especially in this and especially concerning the female gender this would apply. Things either are or are not, you either do or do not...There is no try. Just like there is no, should have been, or could have been.

What if she actually left him?wouldn't that mean he becomes the almighty 'EX'. A threat to me?

OMG dude. This is why I try to stay away from this relationship thread, I dont even want to know what the other threads are about, but I know I will one day happen to click on them. But anyways! What you said above. That is possibly one of the stupidest things I have read in a while. What does that # even mean? I'm starting to think your some 17 yr old girl who watched to many crappy romance movies and is trying to troll us.

HUH? WA? SAY WHAT?

Then the idea of this event re-occurring? God dammit. I 'think' i'm in love with her,but..her vision of what she see's me as is constantly blurry.

Oh everything in life is re-occurring. You best believe this thing will re-occour in one shape or form. Till eventually you get it. Sometimes it takes lifetimes, sometimes even hundreds of thousands of lifetimes. In your case I think it would take a moment or two or some other girl coming into the picture. Because get this...I think your full of it, and are possibly making of this more then it is.

God save me from the dreadful outcome.

You are overacting. Its a typical response among 22 yr old's. I do believe all of us have been there at one point or another. I do believe the survival rate for such melodrama is something like 97.2857%. If it weren't none of us would still be around. What I am trying to say is...You will live.

KeliOnyx
But right now, if anything became of the two of you, it will always have the cloud of what was shadowing it.

That was good. Really good actually.

And every cloud has a silver lining. Time. If not for him and her, then for him and some other girl. He's only 22 and knows how to romance a girl. That's good. Whether she treats it like a game or not is beside the point. He also doesn't know how to take that romance to the physical level. He's made that clear and, again, whether she treats THAT like a game or not is also beside the point.

What he should do is show her how the game is played and hook up with a girl for the sex only. It's what kids do anyway, and preferably someone he's known since childhood. Someone that he can honestly tell his infatuation, that he feels "comfortable" with her. If he's been doing this for 2 years then it shouldn't be a secret to anyone that this kid is a romancer who doesn't let go once he's taken a hold. You're a woman, I shouldn't have to tell you how much of a "catch" he's seen in the eyes of other women. He's the committed kind. Either that, or he needs to be. He sets his eyes on a woman at this point and he won't HAVE to close a deal. He's golden and he needs to see that and use it to his advantage.

This infatuation of his, she has a boyfriend and he (the op) knows it. He shouldn't keep his new relationship a secret from her. And before you say it, people play the field all the time for different reasons, and kids that age use each other for sex all the time. If romance comes into play, it comes later. She's obviously doing it to her current boyfriend, but that "later" is the OP. Remember, he's a romancer and everyone has an "ex". So what if he drapes his arm around her in public, like her job for instance, to show her off? At that point he just needs to tell her that the friendship they have is "special" and he would like to keep it that way. In front of his current girlfriend, who shouldn't have a problem with it because, after all, they're just "friends". At worst, if the OP and his infatuation get together because of his "showing off", then that girl might end up feeling used. Assuming she even knows why he suddenly broke up with her. It will be no consolation to her, but she would end up being the reason that the other two got together and made love work. The reason the OP got a home run out the deal. In baseball they call that a sacrifice fly.

The point is that this woman he's infatuated with needs to swallow the food she's feeding him. If she chokes on it then maybe she'll think twice about doing that to someone else. If she spits it out and laughs it off, he already has someone to cushion the blow. I hope the OP is reading this, because it gives him an option of bowing out and not having to admit to himself that he's been punkd. If that's the case. If that's not the case and she really is torn, then yes, the OP will look like an a**hole, but at least he'll be an a**hole who got the problem solved. She's kind of put him that position anyway. And if all this sounds like just another game that people play, well, it is. But it's a game that forces maturity into the situation. As much maturity as you can expect from 22 year old's. What she's doing isn't mature, and how he's handling it isn't very mature either. Romantic maybe, but not of the mature kind.

Personally, I think games like the one I just outlined are gutter level. I'm a big believer that romance, and true love, can have a functioning role in this society that could actually make society more productive by way of making people more complete, if society would just open it's eyes and see that it's possible. Instead, we have these fruit loops running around treating it like a game to hide the fact that they're afraid to step it up. They just don't see what they're missing on the personal as well as professional level, (Think respectability) and the OP has the opportunity to open her eyes. If she see's it for what it is, then maybe they''ll have a chance because, really, that game I outlined isn't a deal breaker. It's something they can cry about now and laugh about later. If she doesn't, they never did and he would've spent 2 years romancing the stone.

It's her call. But of course, all of what I just said doesn't bear this in mind:

Winged-Sphinx
On my first day of walking in for my interview in a suit, this girl Terri had noticed me straight away and told my best mate (manager) to get me hired.

So she used her pull to help him land a job, (Not that she had to if his best friend was the manager, but the point is she did.) and probably did something else to help him out as well. Just a hunch. And all she wants in return is for someone to hold her and tell her that they love her? Even though it can't go any further? Sorry, but I'm not seeing the problem here. If that's way she wants it, after doing him a few big favors, then the OP is only dragging himself down by thinking there might be more to it down the line. How the hell is that her fault?

She gets him in the door so maybe he can step up and take control of that restaurant. What does her sex toy do for a living? Maybe he's hit the ceiling where he is and she see's the OP as having the potential of making it better, in time, than her current boy toy. If that's the case, it would make sense that she doesn't let him go all the way with her because he hasn't gone all the way with his job yet. A job SHE helped him land. And if that's not the case, well, he still moved up professionally after getting a few freebies. I'll say it again.......I'm not seeing the problem here.

Anyway, I hope he's got it worked out by now. Sounds very confusing.

reply to post by Winged-Sphinx


Personally from my current cxompletely drunken experience,

'I',m running on empty,
I'm chasing a dead dream,
I'm all outta time.

Clutching the will,
Only to feel,
No way to heal.'
- Trivium: No way to heal.

I may not be the wisest of people in terms of making the right choice and yes,'love' doesn't have a tenancy to blind you..
But,you have to ALWAYS look logically,take things from a 3rd person perspective. Otherwise you'll never 'see' the truth.

God,this is messing me up. And yet,some may say i'm not strong enough to see,or maybe to the point,i'm far too weak to realize the truth.

Love is accepting vunerability.
Urgh,drunkeness has been my choice for this complete problem.

1] get new job away from her you are a toy to her to play with .

2] get out and meet other girls their is plenty out there .

3] it is the 7 year itch for her she is bored .

if it is meant to be you will find out

Three years working at Burger King and an obsession with Final Fantasy #7?

Good Lord.

How about thinking about your future, both education-wise and career-wise, lest you end up in the year 2023 with 13 years in at Burger King, obsessed with Final Fantasy v.83, and still flirting with the same emotionally manipulative woman (who doesn't know what she wants either, but that's another issue)?

reply to post by Winged-Sphinx


Oh man your making this more difficult then it is or has to be. What I am saying is that's a whole lot of suppositions you and everyone including me is throwing around, a whole barrel load of nonsense to carry around.

Trust me dude in time you forget everything...Love and life are just fleeting things, and you are just turning a anthill into a mountain with all this stuff. It's simple, yet not. OK you been at this for what 2 or so years you say, which is cool and all. But chances are if anything were to happen it would have happened by now, no offense but playing footsie with this airhead must be getting old even to you.

In general people only ask for advice only when they want to hear something, you see it on all the daytime talk shows people watch, in women's programing its full of it, Oprah! Dr whatever! and what not always giving them the things they want to hear. You to are the same, and i think you know or have an inclination this is going nowhere. So leave it at that and just you know get another girlfriend or find somebody else to play footsie with, I dont know how you people do things but its simple really.

The truth is bro, the only thing your battling and getting on about is you own ego, and manifestations. Because again, things either are or are not, they either happen or do not happen, you either do or do not. Everything else is just mirrors of your entanglements in this world. And saying that, you can always just go ahead and straight up ask her how she feels for you, that generally solves things fast. One way or another you will get an answer, and if she does not answer. Well then! that is still an answer. And if things turn sour, well she can always go complain to her girlfriends about the guy who was such a hanger on and creep. Seems to be a favorite hobby among females. Because the whole point of it is not who looks better but in bringing some sort of conclusion to this thing one way or another, and females have a way of just dragging things on.

But the longer you drag this thing on, and the longer you get entangled with this stranger, the more of a pain its going to be. Sure right now your probably thinking oh this is acceptable or it may be cool, but give it time and especially seeing as from all you said its only you who seem to be thinking and feeling these things, well basically it takes two to tango. What you have here is a one step dance, playing solitaire with yourself, attributing things, to that which just may never be there, suppositions.

And you may be thinking that this thing is fun at first but give it time and the longer it drags on and the longer you get entangled in this, the more and longer it will take you to get untangled from all this. At first it may be like "oh this is so supper awesome" then its like "oh wait a minute what the what" then its like "oh man this stuff really sucks, it just sucks"

So ya if you have to bring some sort of confrontations, to get this over with. Then do it, and just get it over with and whatever happens...happens. As I dont believe in time, I do not believe in wasting time. But your definitely wasting your energy on it, and worse like I said this could be only in your head and it may be just a thing for her, in fact its a unconscious instinct for females to always keep there options open, especially if there bored at home or going through a bit of a slump. Besides this shall come around again...In this existence things have a habit of repeating themselfs over and over..Its the name of the game. Its inbuilt into this program we call live. And nobody gets out of live, alive.

And most important is. This is not a do as I do thing, this is do as I say. And I say! That by all probability you can skip a great lot of headaches and all that #, and just get yourself another girl to become infatuated with, I mean its not like there is a shortage of those. You seem to be in-synch on a majority of the populations, so it should not be that hard to find somebody else, I dont even know what your complaining about, this is a total non issue. Oh and forget everything else and the drama, or playing make her jealous games like others have said, that stuff is stupid and would probably lead another thread.

And I in no way no hell want to read another thread or a continuation on this junk. So if you dont do it for yourself, then at least do it for me, or the poor people who have read this thread and are just mind numbed by the whole thing.

Oh and carry on, you come to a conspiracy site for relationship advice, what do you expect. Exactly...

it's kind of a no brainer since she has been clear that she won't leave her bf. i can't tell if she's trying to figure out if you're okay with being "the other man" or not. she's telling you she's in love with you but going home and sleeping with another man and lying to him. i feel bad for the guy. how would you feel if your girlfriend of YEARS was telling another man she was obsessed with him? i think it's pretty #ty of her to stay in the relationship with him out of guilt. it's horribly unfair to him.

She wants both of you. She likes the thrill it gives her. She misses a time where he looked at her like you do, where he couldn't keep from brushing against her like you do, where his breath caught when she walked into a room like yours does. All of the above. It's the lust she misses. The fact that she hasn't physically cheated in all this time, leads me to believe that she does love her current boyfriend to some degree, but she misses all of those things we can't get enough of in a new relationship.

We all have times when we have confused lust and love. It's an easy thing to do. What woman doesn't miss someone telling her how good she looks when her husband/partner has neglected to do so for longer than she can remember? Those small actions stoke huge fires that shouldn't always be stoked and if you have ever been burned by them, you stay far away after that. Love endures while lust does not. Mistaking one for another costs more marriages than just about anything else.

If she leaves her current boyfriend and is able to be by herself without financial support and then wants to be with you.... then consider it. Don't be a way for her to get away from another situation or you will wind up just like him.

I hope it does work out in some way for you. Either with her eventually or with someone deserving. You sound like a good guy.

Well,i'm here to reply to everyone.

I was incredibly depressed. I had barely anyone but that girl. I'm going through a very tough time with a police trial right now.
I eventually gave up,when i realized i didn't have her,i felt like i was betrayed. Like i basically hads nothing to live for,the trial was bad enough, let's just say my childhood was destroyed aha!

One night,i walked out of work because she was treating me like #,because,in the end,i walked away. For this,she punished me for it...

So anyway, i walked out and went home. Dropped my stuff off and went to my locals store. Bought tonnes of alcohol and pills. I was done,had enough. Went home,took the pills,drank to # and things got messy.

Now there's a girl in my college, who was good friends with,she liked me but i turned her away because i didn't want her to get hurt. Didn't want to make a move until this whole 'Terri incident' was over. Wee,that night i called her up,drunk as hell.
She got her mum to drive back in Norwich where i be living. Ran in and saw me gasping for air on the floor,shaking.

An ambulance was called and i was rushed. i lay in a hospital bed strapped to medicine. I can barely see,but can still hear.
I hear my mother coming in. By this time,i still feel incredibly empty as a person and have no thoughts. But then i hear my friend latch onto my mum and she says,'I can't lose your son,i love him so much'.

By that moment,my eyes opened and i felt something RUSH right through me. I had wasted my time the whole time with this girl and yet i had her infront of me the whole time. Who i liked,but emotionally ignored.

From that moment on the 22nd of january until present, me and her are a very strong couple.

I thank you all for your advice through that time. Some were good,some were just plain bitching and not helpful.

Thank you the people of ATS,i knew i could count on you!

reply to post by Winged-Sphinx



I have no idea about most of what you said or are saying in your post, but you;re happy now and have found someone.
Stay strong and I hope you're very happy together.

reply to post by Winged-Sphinx


Wow, I am glad you made it through all of that drama and found the right one for you! I am also glad I read the entire thread before posting something.

I was a fast food manager for several years. I watched many couples form and break up in that time. I even met my wife and eventually married her,working fast food. I'll tell you what though, every other single couple that got together at work, failed. I guess I am the exception.

At 22, you are so young yet. You might not think so, but trust me, there are many years ahead. As many people said in this thread, it sounds like she was getting her cake and eating it too. She had you for emotional support and the thrill of a flirt, along with the so called innocence of hiding behind work which probably gave her an even bigger thrill.
You were being used.

See it for what it is, and file it in the back of your mind as a learning experience. Hopefully you won't have many of those and will kind of keep your guard up against this type of woman. There are a lot of them, and truthfully, all they want is the thrill, and then to dump you in a deep fryer when it gets to serious for them to handle. They might carry a little guilt for what they have done, but not nearly as much as the emotional pain and confusion you go through waiting for a decision they honestly have no intent on making. I watched it happen over and over again. Always quietly shaking my head and wondering why some people are just users. I am sure you were filling a hole for her in her emotional life, whatever her boyfriend was not giving out, she took from you.

Again, I am glad it all worked out for you in the end!