PLEASE HELP a old veteran of ATS with his dilemma.

Alright,i'll try to keep this short.
I've been on and off here for years,making posts here and there,enjoying my time.
But,i don't know where else to turn.

THE BEGINNING
I've been working at burger king for 3 years now. On my first day of walking in for my interview in a suit,this girl Terri had noticed me straight away and told my best mate (manager) to get me hired.

FIRST MOMENT
So,obviously i did. First week or so,i spoke to her,and found out she loves final fantasy 7. EPIC. I flirted,asking questions. She, smiling back answered correctly. Amazing,a good looking girl that finds something like that amazing like i do.

TIME
Over the course of the year or two,i grew fond of her. We talked on shift,nothing much,always flirtatious,nothing much. But in the last year it has been a crazy skyrocketed moment in our friendship had occurred. I threw out my political views as well as general theories. Well,being in burger king,you can't expect everyone to keep up -_-

MY UNDERSTANDING
Well,over time,she took interest and i found out she thinks and sees the world the same way as me. Incredible, i see girls in clubs and don't see them as nothing more than girls trying to find the 'right guy'. But in the last year,i feel i have been putting off dates, seeing girls just in case ii get the chance to be with her.

PROBLEM
Here's the catch. The biggest one, she's taken. For roughly several years. Bearing in mind i'm 22 and so is she. She practically grew up with him. She claims his mum treated her better than her own mum. She built most of her life around him and his family. I'm one of her only friends that she has the ability to visit on a regular basis.

HERE'S THE MOMENT!
Since i'd say about 5 months ago,it skyrocketed even higher in tensity. She becomes very jealous of girls i talk about. Not on a minor scale either. Eventually i told her my feelings. She turned around and stated to me that she 'just wants to be friends,i like you but love my boyfriend'. Boy, how that changed over the last few weeks.

MAJOR TURNAROUND..
She FINALLY confessed to me with giant breaths and consistently attempting to word herself that she was practically 'obsessed' with me. She loves my eyes,smile certain things i do,way i think and see the world. She loves everything about me.

SAD MOMENT
Well,being in the friendzone already,what am i to do. I was so happy her telling me finally her feelings. She was so #ing nervous of telling me,it was incredible. Well,2 days later, i'm getting stressed because i don't know what's going on,so i shut the curtains,go quiet. She states nothing will happen and i ask for her to say it bluntly..she says..'We will never be'. My heart instantly breaks.

SMALL HOPE
Everytime she pushes me away,we come back stronger. Almost kissing god knows how many times. She won't express what she thinks. She's like me,thinks ALL the time and heavily. Drifts off kinda thing..

MOMENT OF TRUTH, ABOUT OVER THE LAST WEEK.
She comes over,we literally cuddle HEAVILY to the point where were holding eachother so tight.
And it's amazing,she can't 'peel' herself off me. But she won't kiss. Neither will I. It's amazingly respectable how she's not done it. We stopped it several times.

LITERALLY LAST NIGHT!!
This is it. I've had it. Were closed up. We sent the rest home. We went into the staff room. And i wouldn't let her go, not through force obviously. Like those moments on a romantic film aha!I ask her what she's thinking. And 'What are you afraid of'. I look her in the eyes when i say it and she twitches..she's afraid.
'What are you afraid of!?'
Her response whilst her lip trembles and a tear begins to run..
'You don't understand,what have you got to lose from this!?Let's face it,i'm the one with the choice!MY whole life,give it all up. Everything. Everything iv'e built! I don't know what to do. I'm scared!'
I responded, 'so this whole friendzoned business was a lie?'
..'Yes,it seems much easier to handle'
By that point,i hold her. It makes sense. This isn't something you can just 'decide'. She attempted to say with a tremble..
'I..i..WANT..to..be with you,but..i..i..just can't..'

By that time,she's broken. Tears streaming.

CONCLUSION
Now what,she's got so much to throw away. But she wants to. But she's so petrified. Iv'e never met anyone like her. MY childhood was completely horrible. Screwed my whole life up,drink,drugs,suicide. I don't just 'connect' with people. But with her,i do.

I think,i love her. And she trembled the words the first night she told me her feelings without the idea of me hearing it..
'I'm in love with you..

Help. Please.

This girl is only staying in her current relationship because she feels compelled to do so out of loyalty, but the very fact that she has expressed a strong interest in you means she is not happy or fulfilled. A much more assertive lead from you is what is required here if you truly want to be with her. Make it clear how you feel while making it equally clear that you will not wait around indefinitely. You know the old saying about faint heart and all that.

Hope this helps

Shes taken, and by the sound of it has been for awhile.

Think about it, if she is prepared to emotionally and physically cheat on this BF whats to say she wont do it to you down the track when the honeymoon period is over?

If you really have trouble connecting with people and this girl and you really get along I would try and keep it as just friends, its not worth losing a great friend over something that may not last.

Ive been in your shoes before, I dont think you want advice, I think you want permission/approval.
Nothing anyone here says is gonna change what you do so either way I wish you luck and hope it all works out.

P.s be careful of her current BF, he probably aint gonna be too happy when he finds out about this

I'll be blunt, so sorry about that.

First, she has a boyfriend, so you should never go that way, period.

Second, she gets the sex at home, and the flirty attitude, with a boy at work.

From my point of view, she has pretty much all she needs to be happy, but the question is, DO YOU?...

Refer to my first statement, and you will find yourself in a much better situation, believe me.

Peace be with you.

reply to post by Winged-Sphinx


There is NEVER anything wrong with leaving somebody, for somebody better.

It's just the truth brother.

Now, can you provide a safe home, and all the things to support this person you love?

I assume the answer is yes.

If that other family does truly love her and cares for her as her own, then they'll support her decision. It's unfair to them and her if she is carrying on a relationship that she isn't 100% happy with.

She deserves to be happy, so does that other guy and right now, he's being lied to in one way or another.

She needs to step up. If she loves you the way she says she does, then leaving her current circumstance should be an afterthought.

~Tenth

reply to post by Winged-Sphinx


i agree with the above poster, you need to be assertive here.
Of course she's scared-change can be scary.
Tell her how you see things for you both if she chooses to be with you.
You will probably find it hard to still work there if she rejects you-one of you might have to leave. So be strong with her. Tell her she's not losing anything by leaving her boyfriend, only gaining happiness.
if she really loves you, like really loves you, she will leave him.
Good luck with it, let us know how it goes

Dude, take a break, walk away for a week.
With big decisions ALWAYS walk away and observe from a distance. When you come back she'll either throw herself at you, or....you look elsewhere.

She's a manipulative psycho who is getting an emotional fix from being "torn" between two loves.

It's called playing games.

By the way, if you do manage to "get" her for yourself, you can expect her to do the same to you that she's doing to him right now.

Let's face it; after seven years, her relationship doesn't have the high intensity it did in the beginning - and there is nothing quite as exciting as 'forbidden love'.
Don't ever forget; if they'll do it WITH you, they'll do it TO you.
The decision to leave or stay in her current relationship should be hers alone - without your influence.
Say good-bye, and tell her to look you up if she's ever free to start a new relationship.
(The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.....)
Nugget
P.S. Be careful what you wish for; you just might get it.

nuggets got the golden advice buddy......take it.....its the honourable thing to do........

reply to post by Winged-Sphinx


I thank you all for your advice.
This coming monday,she will be away for 2 weeks in another store. Time for her to think.
I know some of you are saying i should stay away purely on the basis she is taken,but if she isn't fully happy with him,but has the chance to with me,why not take that chance?

And yes,you're right,whatever she could do to her current partner,she will do to me.
My sister cheated with this guy behind his wifes back. They are now together with 3 awesome children and an insanely happy life.

You're right,she could do the same,but i'll never know unless it happens.

History may repeat itself,but until you let go of that history,you'll never control your future. And to be honest,sometimes it works out,sometimes it doesn't. But life involves risks. Not stationary unhappiness.

Thank you all so much for your advice so far.

reply to post by Winged-Sphinx


Oh man that just sounds like its going to be some sort of headache and melodrama. I would say listen to nugget1 and it could just be a phase she is going through. If she really wanted to do this, she would have, but at this stage and both of you being so young, its just something that will happen and would pass. That whole forbidden love thing, some people get off that but they also drop it when it becomes unsuitable for them.

But hey people do what people do. So you know what you will do, she knows what she will really do even if she does not admit it, everybody from the queen of England to the hounds of hell know what you two will do. Meh! just get along with it and let the chips fall were they may I suppose.

While it's always satisfying to get the girl you want. It can and most probably will blow up in your face farther down the line.

Nothing more satisfying in life then getting to bed the girl you've been pining after for a year or two. I should know, I always got what I wanted in the end in my younger days(teens and younger twenties, I'm nearing thirty now). I will also tell you that it blew up in my face 100% of the time when those women had boyfriends or girlfriends.

If she is cheating on her boyfriend she may cheat on you.

It'd be one thing if she was drunk to the point of passing out and you two messed around pr something of that nature. People do make mistakes. However, affairs are a whole nother' story. That's what she is having with you and in the context of suitable mates that is a HUGE red flag. How are you going to feel if you do get her and later down the line you don't work together? How are you going to perceive her future male friend relationships?

What I would do if I were you is I would find another job. If she still digs you when she isn't in the close confines of the work space then she probably genuinely likes you. Also she needs to make a decision. What you are doing is not fair to her boyfriend and it's just a douche bag thing to do. You're only 22 so I understand. However, this will blow up in your face later on. Even if she doesn't do anything this will probably cause you to feel jealousy later on and paranoia.

reply to post by Winged-Sphinx


Based on what I'm reading, I'm picking up the following points from her end.

1. Because of the fact that her BF's mom treated her better, she has a sense of loyalty to her BF.

2. Based on this, she also probably had everything planned out early on. For example, she probably "had" her life in order - a "perfect" guy, job, car, you name it.

3. It's possible that something has soured in her current relationship, or she fell in with that guy (You know, the kind of guy that could rip you to pieces with just a stare), both of which would make it awkward at the least to break it off. Or, she could have fallen with someone that practically pays for everything (ever seen Sweet Home Alabama? Disregard the fact that I'm a guy, and was forced to watch it). Or, it is also quite possible that you remind her so much of her current BF; both you and him probably have the same traits - it's just that you might have more in some spots that he doesn't (NOTE: Meant this in a PG-13 manner ).

The part about where she gets jealous about the other girls seems natural (at least among my friends, who are around the same age as you). Even if you've been put in the "friend zone", you'll find that people you don't even like seem to lay a claim to you (almost as if by bring up the person, you are comparing this friend to them).

As for what you should do:
1. Give her some time to think it over, which it looks like you were planning on. This can backfire though - She may think it over and decide that it's not the best (first time my heart got broken was because I told her to think it over - She did, and my best friend made the cut ).

2. Don't pester her about it during that time - She needs to get her own thoughts in line before dealing with the extra pressure.

3. If she "jumps ship" and comes to you, there are two things that I would be worried about:
-The new EX.
-That you didn't end up picking a "crazy one".

Let me clarify: My guess is that you spend a lot of time around her at work, and a good chunk of time after work. What I would be cautious about is that you are only seeing part of her, and not the whole picture. The fact that she is obsessing over you, when still in a committed relationship is a little unnerving as well - Imagine how her BF would feel if he knew (or maybe he does - you can only hold in a obsession for so long before it comes to the surface).

4. What it may come down to is you have to ask her to chose: Be in a relationship with me, or stay in your existing one. If she picks you, make sure you aren't on a "friends with benefits" plan - Make sure that she breaks it off with her current BF.

If it were me, I would've been flattered that someone could even obsess over me, but I also wouldn't pursue it (they are in a relationship, and I figure that if said lady friend wants to be with me, then she would break it off, and come over to the dark side).

Good Luck though!

-fossilera

I can only suggest find a new girlfriend and to hell with her jealously. Move on mate. If you can seek out a new position elsewhere do it. Find a partner that considers you and not another at the same time. I would hate to feel that I was manipulated in a way like this.

If you've been friends for like 2 years you're totally wasting your time. Here's what happening. She probably dating a guy who's a bit of a player or stud. She loves getting it on with him. But he, being a stud probably doesn't give a rats ass about her. Treats her like sheat, and just uses her for sex. So what's happening is she lacks the romance, long talks, long walks, and stuff like that. So she turns to you for that. You're basically being used as her doormat for romance. Then after she gets some romantic time with you, she goes and gets laid by a real man, her stud boyfriend. Don't be her doormat. Don't let her use you like that. There's plenty of fish in the sea.

here's what you do. Go meet someone else. Not as a jealously ploy either. For real. Just start dating someone else, and having a real relationship. Then if she actually cares about you she'll do "anything" to win you back. But I know for a fact already based on what you said that she wont' do that. Because she was just using you for romance, as long as she didn't have to put out.

Trust me dude, MOVE ON. Also, lets say her boyfriend isn't so bad. Well how would you like it if you were dating a girl that you loved and then at work some guy who liked her was trying to steal her away, even though he FULLY KNEW SHE WAS TAKEN!!! She's already told you NO NO NO, and yet you keep trying to take her away from the guy that she already told you she loves??? That actually makes you a low life, you know that right? Only low lifes do that. Sorry I don't want to insult you but I'm just stating a fact.

Again just move on. I just hate when guys get used by women like that. She's got teh best of both worlds, a satelite friend who will give her romance, adore her, have long indepth conversations with her, cuddle with her but who she doesn't have to put out to. Then she has a stud muffin actual boyfriend who satisfies her in the bedroom. LOL

reply to post by Winged-Sphinx


two words...

KISS HER!!

My general sense here is you are deluded....all this time, and here you are still: nowhere.

Ive been there myself twice in my time...where we both understood and KNEW we were soul mates. We KNEW it...but also for similar reasons as yours...we had to move on apart...

Somthings aren't meant to be for any number of reasons, and that's life. But you are here trying to find answers and resolutions to all the reasons this is not happening.

Look. If it was meant to be...it would've been, but its not, and it isn't happening. You should have moved on a long time ago.

If you love something? Set if free. If its really meant to be, it will come back to you...if it doesn't? Then it wasn't ever meant to.

reply to post by Winged-Sphinx


It's like being on a yo-yo. Except everytime i get thrown away i come back a little closer.

I know most of you are saying stay away purely on the basis of her actions and the fact she's taken. But i'm in too deep. I have only the choice of either stopping the friendship or making a move. But i admire her loyalty in the fact she hasn't kissed me.

She only recently stated to me that she WON'T leave her boyfriend and is willing to still care and be the same but the same includes small fishing hooks to reel in, only to get thrown back out again.

I care about her more than i can bare. I just, don't know what to do.
She's now gone for two weeks.

And yes,of course i'll miss her like crazy,but it will give me time to make a choice. Keep the friendship or get rid of it. Because i don't know how much longer i can pursue. Obviously it would make things easier for her if i just disappeared..but then wouldn't that just state i'm just an anomaly. a glitch in her emotions.

Something of an 'delusional love'?

Iv'e never waited so long for someone it's incredible and now the idea of me having to throw everything away is horrible. I can't be friends with her like this.

If a choice is not fully made on what she thinks is completely best for the both of us,then i will have to make the choice myself.

God dammit.

Thank you all for your advice anyways. I think this is something i will never have,just consistent glimmers of hope of having.

I NEED a new job. I can't do this.

The Bottom Line: If it works, it works. If it doesn't, it doesn't. Meanwhile, you, sir, are being strung along.

You are providing an emotional high for her because she no longer has it with a long-time boyfriend she has known for years and years. This is a natural occurrence in relationships where the time comes when you a) make a change, b) cheat, or c) get through it. She is wanting the best of both worlds, stopping just short of (b) so she can say she never has. But she is cheating. She is cheating emotionally, for sure, no question, and she is also cheating physically, not quite to the ultimate. And in effect, she's cheating on you because you are a victim here, a means to an end. She LIKES it that you are smitten with her. She enjoys the power that gives her over you. She's in charge. She moves left, you move left. She moves right, you move right. She can get you to do anything she wants.

I'm sympathetic with you. I've been there more than once, and the thing is, the only way out of this is to believe in your own self and your own strength, and to leave her behind. It's like when you are walking barefoot on the carpet and step on a pin. The very FIRST thing you need to do is get that pin out of your foot, pull it out so that it is no longer hurting you.

The fact is YOU are a good person. YOU are capable of love and respect and everything else a person wants in a relationship. But YOU need to gain (TAKE, even!) the self-confidence to know that you need not put up with this behavior, this despicable behavior on her part. YOU don't need it because you are better than that and your new self-confidence will attract a relationship that is worthy of the good person you are.