A daughter has lost faith in her dad............I thought I knew what pain was

reply to post by cody599


I'm no expert, I'm no psychologist, I can only share my thoughts and views on this.

Girls are usually more attached to their father, just like boys tend to feel closer to their mothers.
Girls need a father figure in their life, a strong protective male person that they can lean back on. It's hard to explain, but they seek the safety and feeling of protection from their father through their life. That you missed so many years of her childhood, probably made her feel like she had to be that strong figure herself. Making her feel alone.

Separations where children are involved are always difficult, and in most cases someone always gets hurt.
Now, the question is, why haven't you seen her for so long? Was it your ex that didn't want you to? Was it your choice? Was there another reason for it? Whatever the reason might have been, it is important that you talk it through with your daughter.
She most likely, as a lot of children do, end up blaming herself for you not "wanting" to be with her.

As a woman myself, I know girls are very deep thinkers when it comes to relationships, both with family members and with partners. When something isn't going right, even the smallest little thing, they seek a reason why, an understanding, and a lot of it ends up being them blaming themselves in situations that they did not have anything to do with.

You need to SHOW her you care, not just tell her in a phone text. Go to her, talk to her, and most importantly, let her speak!
It may be hard to hear how she feels about all of this, but let her speak out and just listen. Never raise your voice, never interrupt her, do not get mad at what she might say. Just listen to her. Show understanding for her feelings. She misses her father, you need to show her you love her and always will be her father, and if the reason you haven't met her for so long is a mistake on your side, apologize to her, and tell her why things went the way they did. It must have a reason after all.

Now, she will most likely not run into your arms and immediately forget everything. It will be a long and slow journey to win her trust back. But it's a start, and depending on what she says, you can make small steps regularly to show how much she means to you, and that you want to make up for these lost years. With patience, it is possible to heal this relationship between you two.

reply to post by Panne

Thank you for such a considered reply Panne

Unfortunately me going to her is impossible as I will likely be arrested on my arrival,a divorce present from my ex.
I have written to her several times by hand and I know the letters have been given to her by her uncle.
Whether or not she has read them I don't know, but I've asked her ........... when she is ready to get in touch, be it facebook, email, a letter or a phone call.

All hope is not lost

But as you so wisely said it may take time

Cody

Maybe my story may help.
9 years ago I left my husband of 24 years. I wed at 18. I had 3 boys. In the last 9 years my 2 oldest sons have only spoken to me twice. I tried everything to keep them in my life and they knew how much pain I was going through. But I suppose they wanted to punish me for leaving their dad.
Every year I sent birthday cards, presents, christmas presents and letters. Nothing would budge them. I was a brilliant mum to them and they grew up with all the love and support they needed so I could never understand why they turned their backs on me.
They are men now and I have painfully excepted that this will always be the way it is.
For some children they have a code of what they think is right and just. They hold onto their ideals even if they are wrong. As an adult and a loving mother I have had to accept that this is how they feel and I have had to respect their decision.
I do hope your situation improves over time but be respectful if it doesn't go the way you would like.
One day you may have to walk away and tell yourself you have done everything possible.

reply to post by sussy

They hold onto their ideals even if they are wrong.

Thank you for taking the time to reply sussy

I tried very hard with my kids to allow them to learn to think, not just accept. And my daughter is a highly intelligent young lady. She is in the top 1% of the top 1% students in Israel, and was awarded a trip to Canada as a prize from the local council.

I appreciate that she is angry and with time, she will marry and have children of her own with luck.

Maybe then she will understand a parents love is unshakeable, regardless of distance or time.

I'll keep plugging away slowly and surely, and hope for the best.

If her ideal is to ignore me for now, so be it, at least she's holding on to her principals and that makes me even prouder of her.

Cody

Hi guys

I was pretty distraught when I wrote this thread and was very grateful for all your support, my heartfelt thanks to each and every one of you. To those that u2u'd me an even greater thank you To the member in Israel that offered to do something on a local level. I will never, in my life ever forget your kindness.

Well, true to her word I have been dead to her since November last year.

UNTIL

I received this on my facebook private messages this morning

Hi, me and Cody jnr are planning a visit in July, before my military service.
Hoping to see every one . We would most like to meet with you, we want to fix things with you, already talked to granny and grandad.

OK so she didn't call me dad or anything, but I am over the moon about all of this.

My little girl is coming to see me with my son, and I get to be the best dad in the world for a short time.

I cannot explain the elation I am feeling right now, and wanted you guys to know what has happened.

I am genuinely the happiest man in the world at this moment in time.

Cody

a reply to: cody599

Much AWESOMENESS!!!

a reply to: cody599
That is great news. Patching broken fences is always a wonderful thing. (Or did I get that bassackwards. Breaking down fences?) Hell, I don't know, but you get the picture I'm sure.

a reply to: Gordi The Drummer

Thanks Gbro

I'll copy it in the shed

I'm more made up than Darth on a night out LOL

Cody

originally posted by: TDawgRex
a reply to: cody599
That is great news. Patching broken fences is always a wonderful thing. (Or did I get that bassackwards. Breaking down fences?) Hell, I don't know, but you get the picture I'm sure.

Best news in the world today Dawg.........................at least for me

Cody

a reply to: cody599

Dude, that is bloody amazing!

I hope it goes as well as ever such a thing could go!

originally posted by: TrueBrit
a reply to: cody599

Dude, that is bloody amazing!

I hope it goes as well as ever such a thing could go!

Many thanks True

Every fibre of my being is going into this to make it a success

Cody

Wooowwww Cody....

Double rainbow blessings for both your children to find their way home to you my friend....



Rainbows
Jane

a reply to: cody599

Be careful Cody, try to find that right mix. Don't be smothering or stand-offish (I can't see ya that way). Try not to break down crying, but it's OK to let her see you smile with a tear in your eye.

originally posted by: angelchemuel
Wooowwww Cody....

Double rainbow blessings for both your children to find their way home to you my friend....

Rainbows
Jane

Thanks Jane

I can't believe it

My kids are coming to see me, I don't know who's more excited me or Mrs C.

Cody

originally posted by: TDawgRex
a reply to: cody599

Be careful Cody, try to find that right mix. Don't be smothering or stand-offish (I can't see ya that way). Try not to break down crying, but it's OK to let her see you smile with a tear in your eye.

Dawg I'm a pretty grounded guy,

I know it won't be like some hollywood romance run to each other, but trust me, it will be a tearful farewell

Cody

OOPS

My Mistake

Cody

a reply to: cody599

being a parent is the most important thing I have done with my life.

as stated earlier...i am very happy for you.

originally posted by: bigfatfurrytexan
a reply to: cody599

being a parent is the most important thing I have done with my life.

as stated earlier...i am very happy for you.

It is the most important thing I intend to do with the rest of mine BFFT

Until I get to be a Granddad.

The creator knows I've made mistakes, lessons learned, a new opportunity.

I welcome it with open arms.

I'm the first to admit it's a bit scary, the time to face my failings has come, and I promise you I will succeed.

Cody

a reply to: cody599

Aww Cody...I am SO happy to read this!!
I feel a 'happy ending' coming, and you certainly deserve that.
Just be yourself...to know you is to love you!
*hugs*

jacy

a reply to: jacygirl

I've spoken to their mum

We've called a truce, about bloody time

All the decisions are in the kids (young adults) realm.

I refuse to be anything but me, but will be a tad tentative and be sensitive

Imagine it

A hug from your kids !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Keep your gold and diamonds lurkers

Cody