A daughter has lost faith in her dad............I thought I knew what pain was

reply to post by cody599


As far as adolescent children behaving this way, you're not alone by any means. About two years ago, one of my best friends separated from her husband of 20 years. She got tired of his b.s. He's a jerk. She tried and tried to make it work, put reached a breaking point.

They have four children, including a 14 year old son. Over the last few months, he has started telling her he hates her and has gone as far as saying he can't even stand being near her. She's always been a good, loving mom. He might be blaming her for the separation. The other kids aren't displaying this behavior at all.

Recently, she broke down crying and said "Just a couple years ago, we would read stories and watch movies together. We were so close. The other day he told me he despises me."

Hopefully your daughter and my friend's son will reconsider and change their feelings.

cody599

How do I regain her trust ?

Time. She's only 17, she's not done yet. Give her time. Hopefully the reputation you have among those who know you well will find its way to your daughter. This world can be hard on relationships, but when you do the right thing day in and day out, it's like a stream running over the rocks. The water eventually wears them down.

That, and as she grows up and gets a life of her own, she'll get different perspectives on things and, hopefully, start seeing you for what you are and not what others tell her. Maturity has a way of making a person process information differently.

Hang in there bud.

reply to post by OpinionatedB

Girls are more emotional than boys, and their emotions are what runs them between the ages of 10 - 20. When they are scared, they are going to lash out at someone... usually the closest one to them at the time.

I hope you're right Opinionated I'll let her calm down before I get back in touch though

Cody

reply to post by jacygirl

Hey Cody my friend....I have the utmost respect for you hun.
I understand that pain, as I'm in a similar situation with my son (and my only grandson). We have been estranged for a couple of years. (won't go into the details because this is your story not mine).
The pain...oh yes, it hurts with every beat of my heart.

Hi Jacy we've been friends on here quite a while now and I feel for you and your pain.
Hope is replacing despair for now.

Cody

reply to post by Thurisaz

the only advice I could give you is be there for every slap in the face and keep getting up and being there for the next slap.

Thanks Thurisaz, she is my daughter and I love her,
I will take this kick in guts and I will stand up again and the next and the next.

Cody

reply to post by ColeYounger

Hopefully your daughter and my friend's son will reconsider and change their feelings.

Hi Cole
Yeah I'm a bit more upbeat today, I can only hope this is a glitch.
Please pass on my good wishes to your friend and let her know she is not alone.

Cody

reply to post by Taupin Desciple

Time. She's only 17, she's not done yet. Give her time. Hopefully the reputation you have among those who know you well will find its way to your daughter.

Oh Damn I'm screwed !!!!!!!!!!

Just joking, I have friends that will talk to her and be there for her as well until she comes around.

Cody

This is for everybody that has written on this thread.
Or sent me private messages or indeed both.

Yesterday when I wrote this I was in despair, my wife was not here and I am not ashamed to say I was crying my eyes out.

Today thanks to you good people here on ATS a new hope has arisen, I would never have expected so much support and good advice to flow so easily from you all. And not one trolling comment.

I had one u2u from a member in Israel that offered me help if I could think of anything they would like me to do.

I was blown away at such generosity, and selflessness. You know who you are and my eternal gratitude will be yours.

I have to say

You are without a shadow of a doubt the very best the internet has to offer and I am proud to be associated with all.

My heartfelt gratitude and thanks go out to you all for taking time to respond with your thoughts, advice, ideas and support.

A very very grateful and yes, hopeful
Cody

reply to post by cody599


If it truly is important to you. Liquidate all of your worth as it presently stands, bundle items of worth that have no monetary value or have more sentimental value than monetary value, write a note explaining yourself and your committment to her and the value of the things that are not money; lay it at her feet give her a real hug that penetrates the soul, tell her you love her and walk away. Wait patiently and respect the silence if that is what is all that is received. If she contacts you and begins a relationship anew never ask for or accept any of it back.

Make sure she's worth it. if she's not then you should not feel as bad as you do...

reply to post by WHYFIGHT


She is my daughter

My whole worth has been laid at her and her brothers feet since the moment they first drew breath.
Everything I do is to leave them something, both monetarily, and spiritually.

I have had days where my choice was to eat or send them help.
I went hungry for a few days.

But my kids damn well got fed.

You expect me to tell them that ?
It aint going to happen I just did what any parent should do.

She'll realise with time when she is a mother just what sacrifices we make.

Thanks for your input, I'll continue trying to rebuild my relationship with her, but my wife still needs a roof over her head as well.

Cody

reply to post by WHYFIGHT

My apologies
I misread your post.

I have a ring that I had made when I was 21.

She always asked me for it. I always said you can play with it but you can only have it when I think you will understand how important it is to me.

I sent it today

Cody

reply to post by cody599


If it were me, I'd have WIRED money the moment I heard the check somehow didn't arrive. Yep. I would have run right to a store that wires money in minutes and sent them everything I could.

Next time your kids need you, don't wait to be invited. Get on the plane and just show up. You see, actions speak a lot more than words.

reply to post by MRuss


Read back Mruss

It wasn't an option, at least if I still want to be free to be here for her, if it was I'd not be on ATS right now I'd be landing.

Cody

Ahhh, the dreaded teen years! I've been there, done that.

I won't go into the private details of my relationship with my daughter, but I understand where you're coming from.
I think my daughter hated me during her teen years until she was in her early twenties. Over time she came around, and today we have a loving relationship.

Same for my sister. She divorced when her son was around seven or eight. He went with his dad. The bad thing is, he bad-mouthed my sister and her son believed every word of it. He wanted nothing to do with her until he grew up one day and realized everything his dad said about his mom were lies, spoken as a way to get revenge on my sister.

Today they have a good relationship. He spends more time with her than his dad.

The point is, she is a teenager. She will get past this as she grows. Someday you will be back 100% in her heart.

Hang in there. Time heals.

You have a wealth of support from your friends here.

reply to post by cody599


There are some truly wonderful people out there, as evidenced by this thread. My shaky faith in humanity
has been restored more than once by ATSers!

reply to post by cody599


Hey Cody? I like your posts here, so I wanted to comment where I usually would not. I bet if you and your ex combined the amount of money that you spent on Lawyers that it would easily put your daughter through College, am I right about that? Either way, folks go broke trying to take custody from one another and the attorneys always are the ones who are laughing all the way to the bank. It's a shame.

I am sure that you want to let this go now, it takes courage to open up your personal life in a public domain. Just let me say this? I have seen exactly what you're going through first hand, only I was on the other side of it because I adopted my Wife and I's son many years ago. See what I did there bro?

I am sure the 10 years away has caused bitterness, but it's understood that the distance between you played it's part. It also sounds like your ex has succeeded in making it difficult for you to come face to face with your Daughter during that time and up until now. This tragedy happens every single day all over the world, and it's a shame.

My advice is to write her a letter every month and call her at least twice a month (birthdays and holidays go without saying). Even if you don't get her, she will get her letters. Or just e-mail her so nobody else intercepts your letters like the Mother from the movie 'The Notebook' did.

Good luck. Keep your head up my friend, she will come around with age. ~$heopleNation

'Better late than never...was off somewhere and didn't see this until now. I think you got tons of good advice on this thread, and it sounds like you're doing the right thing in your heart and the smart thing where she's concerned.

I remember being a 17-year-old young lady who took out all her teen angst on her father. He died very suddenly and quite young, some years later. What I wouldn't give to tell him that I'm sorry and make it up every day! This too shall pass.

Here's a hug.

Love,

Mum

reply to post by cody599


Haven't read the entire thread- not going to pretend I have. Let me just say to you that at 17 it is your daughter's job to hate one or both parents and to live in a consistent state of disappointment. Don't fret my friend as this too shall pass. Speaking from the perspective of a daughter who hasn't always had the best of relationships with her father but also as a mother who hasn't always had the best of relationships with one or both of my daughters- TIME AND LOVE HEAL ALL WOUNDS! She needs you to not give up now more than ever- it is a test for you to prove your love and devotion to her despite her negativity toward you. It is all part of the process. You will do well friend, just hang in there!

reply to post by sled735

Same for my sister. She divorced when her son was around seven or eight. He went with his dad. The bad thing is, he bad-mouthed my sister and her son believed every word of it. He wanted nothing to do with her until he grew up one day and realized everything his dad said about his mom were lies, spoken as a way to get revenge on my sister.

Yeah I've had all that.
But I've not once said a bad word about my ex to my kids. And to be brutally honest, she is a fantastic mum.

As much as it pains me to admit it.

Cody

reply to post by SheopleNation

I am sure that you want to let this go now, it takes courage to open up your personal life in a public domain. Just let me say this? I have seen exactly what you're going through first hand, only I was on the other side of it because I adopted my Wife and I's son many years ago. See what I did there bro?

I am sure the 10 years away has caused bitterness, but it's understood that the distance between you played it's part. It also sounds like your ex has succeeded in making it difficult for you to come face to face with your Daughter during that time and up until now. This tragedy happens every single day all over the world, and it's a shame.

SheopleNation

Many thanks for your reply, it was good of you to take the time.
I trust the guys on ATS to be honest, many of them have known me for years or some like you know me through my threads.

It's rare I get a troll, and when I do I can deal with it.

Your words speak truth and for that I thank you, she will come around one day, failure cannot live with persistence, and I'm not losing my baby !!!

Cody