A daughter has lost faith in her dad............I thought I knew what pain was

cody599
Hi guys

This is hard for me to write, I'm still processing it.

I got a message from my daughter today telling me she doesn't want me in her life any more.

That doesn't count because you must see eachother at least once again sometime and you can't remove a few braincells which contain the memories nor can you completely deny someone's existance.

It's an ice knife in my heart

How do I regain her trust ?

I don't know but that knife is almost evil man. I would pray and hope it melts, which all things do.

reply to post by intrepid


It's not that simple
She lives in Israel and I live in England, her mother's lawyers have made sure that if I step foot in Israel again I will be arrested.

I've invited her to come to England but she chooses not to.

I'm going to just have to ride this out and trust my gut that all will come right with time.

Guys

I must thank you all for your replies

Mrs C just came home, thanks for being there, and keeping me sane

Cody

reply to post by cody599


Suggestion in light of restrictions: Think about an eighteenth birthday present in the form of a ticket for her to someplace nice such as Italy that's not too far away from her home, but that as an adult she would be able to travel to alone on one flight. You could meet her there, etc.

All the best, Cody.

reply to post by cody599


Dear Cody - she's testing you. The more she SAYS she wants you out of her life the more she is asking you to be in it. She is at that scary age where she's to start living her own life, probably is afraid, unsure (I'm guessing) and now her mom is injured and everything is in chaos. Perhaps some past resentment has emerged brought about by the missing cheque and she's using that as her ammunition.

I can't imagine that with the posts you present and advice and concern you share for other ATS members that you would be any different with those in your own life. If anything I am sure it's even more solid and giving.

Just keep telling her you love her. And show it in ways you know are the right ways - I'm not saying to bombard her with money or material things but by being there for her when you know she needs you and by not letting her anger and hurt (wherever it's coming from) try to drive you away. Love will get you through this.

cody599
I've made the call

I've lost my daughter.

But I'm a proud father, my daughter is an intelligent young lady, with a strong will she is willing to back up, with intelligent thoughts and nothing but hope that I don't lose my son as well.

Damn I'm proud

If you'll forgive me I need to cry

Cody

Ahhhh that breaks my heart. BUT keep hope. She is 17. When I was 17 I was in an abusive household and my Mom was doing all she could to keep things together. But I took all my anger out on my Mom. She didn't deserve it and I knew this but my anger had to come out in some manner. I didn't purposely choose her -it just developed. Yet while acting out towards my Mom I would have done anything for her. But I was emotionally stunted and hurt and didn't know how to communicate.

My husband didn't see his child for 10 years. It was best (one has to live in another's shoes before passing judgement) for the child and devastating for my husband. The day his son turned 18 he contacted his father. My husband never trashed his ex in any way ever. And through the last 9 years of having had personal contact and visits with his son they have the most amazing bond. And through his adult years his son was able to see the actions and listen to the hateful words of his mother and believe them to some degree and now with his father in his life and not hearing derogatory words about his mom and how his father tried to be a part of his life - his son has reasoned out what was going on.

Your daughter is, as others have pointed out, very immature at this time. She has lots of growing up to do. She will get there. And she will have you in her life again. Never give up hope. And never be untrue to yourself as well. I think as long as you don't put her mother down you can still say the truth and relay what happened back then while being true to yourself. When it's time.

For now you can love her from a distance and try everything to keep in contact as best you can. She will come around.

If you haven't been in her life for 10 years then expecting a sudden relationship is a little unrealistic. She may be 17 and people are saying it's just her age, but honestly you stated you hadn't been in her life since she was 7.

Have you ever sent her money or birthday cards? Did you ever attempt contact or at least set up a college fund for her for when she is old enough to see you on her own? Why is it that you haven't seen her in 10 years? Did you do something wrong to lose custody? If so what was it?

Those are all questions that should be asked. Essentially though, she is about to be a grown woman and if she decides not to spark up a relationship after 10 years that's the way it is.

reply to post by ccseagull


It's now another day for me,

I've slept on it all, and cried my tears, I've sent her a message letting her know how proud I am of her and that I will always be here for her.

I'll send another cheque registered post and see what happens from there, It's tradition that on Christmas day my kids call me, we'll see I guess.

Thanks for your kind words

Cody

reply to post by OrphanApology

Have you ever sent her money or birthday cards? Did you ever attempt contact or at least set up a college fund for her for when she is old enough to see you on her own? Why is it that you haven't seen her in 10 years? Did you do something wrong to lose custody? If so what was it?

Yes I've supported my kids since the day I left, sent them gifts for their birthdays, set up a fund for them that their uncle has charge of, (a man I trust very much).

I lost custody because in Israel the mother automatically has rights to the children in a divorce case, especially when the father is not Jewish.

Cody

Do you both have skype? You could see and talk to each other every day if you wanted. Tell her that no matter what she is thinking or feeling right now, you love her with all your heart, always have and always will. That's all she needs to know, that you love her. And keep saying it. Maybe send her a pretty little heart necklace.

reply to post by cody599


Oh Cody, I'm so sorry for your pain. I tend to agree with the people who have suggested that you keep trying. Unconditionally be there for her anyway. There is hope that she will come around.
This is from a daughter who had issues with my own dad. The biggest problem being that he really doesn't care. She will eventually come around and at minimum reassess her relationship with you.
You really are a good person. She will know that eventually.
Take care of yourself.

reply to post by Night Star


Thanks Night Star but she just doesn't want me in her
life right now.

I have to respect that, Ill send her something personal
when I've had time to think.
I still believe she'll come around but for the moment
I think I need to give her space

Cody

Hey doll,i don't know if i can offer any words that are helpful, but i started to think about when i first got in contact with my mom after everything i had went through, i wondered why she would leave me in that situation... why she would abandon me and subject me to almost 20 years of pure torture...

from what i know about you Cody, you fight for what you believe in, and i know you will fight for this, maybe i can't offer words or advice, but if you need to talk I'm always here

*Edit*

Maybe something personal like a song you wrote and recorded

reply to post by woodsmom


Thanks woodsmom
She's my little girl, she always will be, but she is also
a young lady finding her feet. I'll keep trying but for now
I'll give her some space.

Love will find a way

Cody

reply to post by Darth_Prime


Darth I appreciate that very much.
A song is a great idea.
You are star Darth shine on you crazy diamond.
Cody

Not gonna give any advice, other posters have been doing a fine job of that, just wanted you to know my heart goes out to you in this time. I hope it works out sooner rather than later. Meanwhile you have people who care.

reply to post by Iamschist


Thanks Iamschist
It's still raw at the moment, but time will heal us
I'm sure of that. And thanks for your good wishes
Cody

reply to post by cody599


I raised my kids, did the best I could every day of their lives... not all was good enough, but it was my best at the time anyway...

I am sure you are the same...

thing is, kids will do this... get mad.. some of the most cutting comments in my life I ever received were from my daughter... but let me explain a few things.

Girls are more emotional than boys, and their emotions are what runs them between the ages of 10 - 20. When they are scared, they are going to lash out at someone... usually the closest one to them at the time. She is scared because of what happened to her mama...yet her mama is sick so she cant lash out at her... your are going to be the one who gets the brunt of her frustrations right now as a result, because your just as close on an emotional level.

and honestly - it shows you she DOES love and care for you, and shows she knows you love and care for her too... these actions right now show that... no matter what it may seem like to you. She has enough faith that her lashing out will not drive you away... you only lash out at the people you know are safe... and she knows you are safe cody...

She is needing something to help her feel safe, and since you cannot be there physically, (I just read that you could not) Then send again more money, find a quicker way to get it to her along with a note that says you are willing to do anything she needs right now and that you love her regardless of everything.

She is mad... not just at you, at the whole situation because she is not feeling very safe and protected, so don't go thinking she will come running in your arms...

Help her to the best of your ability from afar. Just know she will get over this point in time. They always do.. It is simply your job to make sure she is reminded that you will be there, with loving open arms, whenever she is ready.

I say these words not because of anything other than how my own daughter would do sometimes....believe me, it never meant my daughter did not love me and have the utmost respect for me... its just sometimes she got scared and lashed out... because I was "safe".

Hey Cody my friend....I have the utmost respect for you hun.
I understand that pain, as I'm in a similar situation with my son (and my only grandson). We have been estranged for a couple of years. (won't go into the details because this is your story not mine).
The pain...oh yes, it hurts with every beat of my heart.

Our kids get angry with us when they believe that we have let them down. They think they know the whole story, but of course...they do not. I can relate to you not wanting to tell her the 'truth' over the phone....I have been holding back some 'truths' too, for complicated reasons.

Keep doing what you're doing, and keep the lines of communication open from your end (birthday cards, phone calls, etc.). It's a losing battle when other people (ex's, etc.) are the ones influencing your child's perspective.

I thought about writing a journal about my feelings and the experiences that led to this very painful situation. I thought then perhaps one day I would feel that he was mature enough to understand MY perspective. (he is not there yet).

I send you my love, a big *hug*....and the hope that one day she will understand how much you love her.
jacygirl

reply to post by cody599


I avoided this thread for a while cos I thought it would be too upsetting.

the only advice I could give you is be there for every slap in the face and keep getting up and being there for the next slap.

sometimes we have to endure pain for the ones we love... it aint easy.

but one day that slap in the face might change into, ok... "well, I know you cared cos I have slapped you in the face 100 times"

& the result is all that matters.

so just keep at it and be there, be in the Person's life you do care about. It is so easy to walk away.