Laugh, or get help. Catholic, and other Christian, humor.

Dear ATSers,

Much to the chagrin of many, I'm back. Been looking at the various topics to find some place to jump in, but my luck hasn't been good. So "be the change you want to see," I thought I'd start one that would bring pleasure, amusement, and a temporary respite from the battles of the keyboard.

The headline is serious. If you don't laugh at a goodly percentage of these, either your mind or heart has become twisted, seek help.































With respect,
Chares1952

Brilliant!

2nd lion

Å99

I do love it!!!

I always say God has a sense of humor... just look around.

The electing the pope or wife cooking again was the best!

Don't let anyone know I said this, but I kind of liked the one explaining why Priests don't feel a need to get married.

Especially, don't tell any of the female ATS members.

charles1952
Don't let anyone know I said this, but I kind of liked the one explaining why Priests don't feel a need to get married.

Especially, don't tell any of the female ATS members.

First thing I did was tell my wife. She gave me a charitable smirk and walked off. Not sure if I just prophesied my own evening there.

reply to post by Cuervo

Dear Cuervo,

Suicide is a serious sin. Better make it to Confession right away so you cleanse your soul. Although, I don't suppose many Priests have experience with someone confessing suicide. Leave a note to tell your wife that you're sorry, and what you'd like done with your remains.

With respect,
Charles1952

Charlie, you are awesome..........time to bust out some oldies but goldies....



and, just to level the playing field..........

reply to post by charles1952

"The Young Mothers meet every Monday eveing at 8.00 p.m.
Anyone wishing to become a Young Mother should see the curate in the vestry after the service."

I've often thought that the first joke in the Bible is the sly dig in Genesis ch 45 v24. It must have been said with a wry smile, anyway.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the # out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!

HomerinNC
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the # out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!

POUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Now that isn't nice, now I have cramps from all this laughing!

Help! I came back to visit this thread and saw all my images reduced to little squares. They didn't start like that. What happened? How do I fix it?

Never mind, they're back. I suppose it takes awhile to load the images, just be patient.

Hey! DISRAELI! Thanks for the joke. I don't know if I can write jack----- in a post, but I wanted to let you know I appreciated it.

Jesus is crucified, hanging on the cross up on a hill. Below the hill there is a crowd of onlookers, including St. Peter.

"Peter! Peter! I need to tell you something" Jesus cries.

So Peter, devoted to his Lord, breaks from the crowd towards the hill only to be stopped by a group of Roman soldiers, beat up and thrown back down.

"Peter! Please, I need to tell you something!" Jesus cries.

Again, full of faith and love for Christ, he runs up the hill and almost gets past the soldiers. But, he's caught, beat up again and tossed back into the crowd.

Finally, Jesus screams "Peter, I must tell you something. Please, come to me!"

Peter, sorrowed by his Lord's suffering, runs up the hill bloody and bruised and finally makes it past the soldiers. He kneels in front of Jesus: "Here I am my lord, your faithful servant. What is it that you need to tell me?"

Jesus smiles and says "Yo, I can see my house from up here."

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest, fingers crossed. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"


A little boy was listening to a long and excessively boring sermon in church. Suddenly the red sanctuary lamp caught his eye. Tugging his father's sleeve, he said, "Daddy, when the light turns green can we go?"

Jesus was walking along one day, when He came upon a group of people surrounding a lady of ill repute. It was obvious that the crowd was preparing to stone her, so Jesus made His now-famous statement, "Let the person who has no sin cast the first stone." The crowd was shamed and one by one began to turn away. All of a sudden, a lovely little woman made her way through the crowd. Finally getting to the front, she tossed a pebble towards the woman. Jesus looks over and says, "I really hate it when you do that, Mom."


A missionary priest works in rural India among the poor. The monsoons come and the Villagers warn him that the river is rising and he must come with them to the shelters in the hills, but the missionary refuses to go, saying "God will rescue me so that you may have faith." The river keeps rising, the priest climbs on a local roof to stay dry and a rescue boat crew comes, telling him to get in and they will bring him to safety. The priest refuses, saying "God will rescue me so that you may have faith."
The river rises and the priest is perched on the building chimney. A rescue helicopter comes to save him, but he says "God will rescue me so that you may have faith."

The priest drowns and stands before God at judgement and says "Lord, I don't understand! I had such faith that you would save me, why am I here so young?"

God says "What? I sent you smart Villagers, a rescue boat and a helicopter. What did you expect, an engraved invitation?"

An American tourist in Dublin asks a local citizen: "Is Irish whiskey REALLY strong?"
The Irishman answered him: "Aye, it's very strong; last Saturday night after only 2 Irish whiskies, I went to 7am Mass."
"What's so unique about that," the American inquired.
The Irishman replied: "I'm Jewish!"


Three seminarians have a free afternoon and, in honor of St. Peter, decide to go fishing. They get into a boat and pull out about 100 feet from shore.
After an hour or so one says to the others that he has made a vow to pray the Divine Office at exactly 3 PM each day. It was almost time but he had left his Book of Christian Prayer on shore. He then steps out of the boat, walks across the water and returns with the book, almost dry shod.
Somewhat later the second seminarian says that he has notes for a sermon he would like to share with the others but those are also on shore. He gets out of the boat, retrieves his notes and return with his shoes barely wet.
The third seminarian is amazed and thinks that if those other two can walk on water surely he has enough faith to do so as well. He makes some excuse, gets out of the boat and sinks like a stone.
The first seminarian turns the the second and says "I guess we should have told him about the sand bar!"

Four old Catholic women sit and brag about their sons. The first Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman says, "My incredibly handsome son is 6' 2 with broad, square shoulders, good manners and impeccable style. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, 'Oh my God!'"

Photobomb!!

You guys are WONDERFUL! Thanks for adding these jokes. I'm beginning to think, and this is just a half-baked idea, that Christians and Jews are secure and confident enough in their faith to laugh at themselves.

I've heard news stories to the effect that if you make a joke about Muhammad, you die. That, as much as anything else, indicates a real problem with that faith. But I certainly didn't want to start any arguments, or even discussions. That was just a thought that popped out. Feel free to ignore it.

Thanks for the laugh. So needed that.

reply to post by charles1952


A terrorist blows himself up and goes up to Heaven where he sees St. Peter at the Pearly Gates and says, “Are you Mohammed?”
St. Peter says. “No, he’s further up.”
He walks up further and sees Jesus. “Are you Mohammed?”
Jesus says, “No, he’s further up…”
Walks on further and sees God with a big beard. “You must be Mohammed!”
“No,” says God, “I’m God, take a seat. Would you like tea?”
The terrorist sits down and says, “Yes, please, I’d love some tea.”
God calls out loudly “Mohammed! Two teas now and make it quick!”

Q: How does every Islamic joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.

Q: What do you call a drunken Muslim?
A: Mohammered.

This is now my OFFICIAL FAVORITE JOKE:
Q: A muslim, a socialist, and a communist walk into a bar.
A: The bartender says hello Mr. President.

reply to post by HomerinNC

Dear HomerinNC,

You know that while we're laughing we're going to be taken away and shot.

I think paytaplay, in the post before yours, explained the purpose of this thread. We're all people, (except for our Reptilian overlords) and there is more than enough division and hatred running around loose. If we're not careful we can lose our humanity and become snarling animals. That's not what God, or any sane person wants.

If I could tend an ATS bar open to all for drinks, discussion, and delectables, I'd be content. (Yes there'd be an alcohol-free part. Also halal and Kosher food sections.) Laugh and Love.

With respect,
Charles1952

reply to post by charles1952


S+F Charles..

About time we had a thread like this!!

Off to find some funnies to post here...

Peace

OK...don't fry me for this.

As the Pope lay dying he is visited by an angel who tells him that before he dies, God has commanded that he must make love to a young virgin so he may know and understand the earthly pleasures he gave up his whole life. The Pope argues for a while but then finally agrees to do it if certain conditions are met:
"First, she must be blind so she cannot see the desecration I will perform on her body!"
"Second, she must be mute so she can never repeat the unspeakable act I will be performing on her body!"
"Third, she must be deaf so she cannot hear the unspeakable acts I will be performing on her body."
The angel writes these down and begins to float away to report back to God. Just before he disappears, the Pope leans forward and says, "One last thing."
"What is it," says the Angel.
The Pope whispers "Big tits."