posted on Nov, 12 2013 @ 12:20 PM
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and
then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest, fingers crossed.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
A little boy was listening to a long and excessively boring sermon in church. Suddenly the red sanctuary lamp caught his eye. Tugging his father's
sleeve, he said, "Daddy, when the light turns green can we go?"
Jesus was walking along one day, when He came upon a group of people surrounding a lady of ill repute. It was obvious that the crowd was preparing to
stone her, so Jesus made His now-famous statement, "Let the person who has no sin cast the first stone." The crowd was shamed and one by one began
to turn away. All of a sudden, a lovely little woman made her way through the crowd. Finally getting to the front, she tossed a pebble towards the
woman. Jesus looks over and says, "I really hate it when you do that, Mom."
A missionary priest works in rural India among the poor. The monsoons come and the Villagers warn him that the river is rising and he must come with
them to the shelters in the hills, but the missionary refuses to go, saying "God will rescue me so that you may have faith." The river keeps rising,
the priest climbs on a local roof to stay dry and a rescue boat crew comes, telling him to get in and they will bring him to safety. The priest
refuses, saying "God will rescue me so that you may have faith."
The river rises and the priest is perched on the building chimney. A rescue helicopter comes to save him, but he says "God will rescue me so that you
may have faith."
The priest drowns and stands before God at judgement and says "Lord, I don't understand! I had such faith that you would save me, why am I here so
God says "What? I sent you smart Villagers, a rescue boat and a helicopter. What did you expect, an engraved invitation?"
An American tourist in Dublin asks a local citizen: "Is Irish whiskey REALLY strong?"
The Irishman answered him: "Aye, it's very strong; last Saturday night after only 2 Irish whiskies, I went to 7am Mass."
"What's so unique about that," the American inquired.
The Irishman replied: "I'm Jewish!"
Three seminarians have a free afternoon and, in honor of St. Peter, decide to go fishing. They get into a boat and pull out about 100 feet from
After an hour or so one says to the others that he has made a vow to pray the Divine Office at exactly 3 PM each day. It was almost time but he had
left his Book of Christian Prayer on shore. He then steps out of the boat, walks across the water and returns with the book, almost dry shod.
Somewhat later the second seminarian says that he has notes for a sermon he would like to share with the others but those are also on shore. He gets
out of the boat, retrieves his notes and return with his shoes barely wet.
The third seminarian is amazed and thinks that if those other two can walk on water surely he has enough faith to do so as well. He makes some excuse,
gets out of the boat and sinks like a stone.
The first seminarian turns the the second and says "I guess we should have told him about the sand bar!"
Four old Catholic women sit and brag about their sons. The first Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room,
everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman says, "My incredibly handsome son is 6' 2 with broad, square shoulders, good manners and impeccable style. Whenever he
walks into a room, women say, 'Oh my God!'"