Family Rant!!

So it's a nice Wednesday morning here in Perth,WA... but not in this house.

You could say I have a typical asian family with high expectations/standards.... Anyway.

I wake up to your "room is really messy" (after i just cleaned it yesterday), "your boyfriend will leave you if you dont change & cos your a messy person", "it's your fault your other relationships didnt work cos you have a bad attitude". My nana said all this & which she likes to repeat things constantly. She has always said this with my past relationships & says "your still young you dont know what relationships are & what love is" (im 20, yes im still young but old enough to know things like this). With all my relationships she always says they're going to leave me, replace me, cheat on me etc. I mean who the hell wants to hear that?? Especially from family!
So as any normal person would react, I got upset (& considering I just woke up & this is the first thing I hear). She then starts crying & saying stuff to make her be the victim.

I mean the first thing I remember in my childhood is everyone in this family fighting. They always fight about something & it gets insane. My family has always put me down no matter how well I did in school, no matter what I do actually. My achievements & good memories get turned into lectures for hours on end. I could go on forever about how they put me down & what they say but its just endless.

I don't understand why they do this. & they wonder why I want to move out so badly, or always be out instead of being at home. I'm the only child, i'm a very independent person who learnt alot of things the hard way & they have no idea half the stuff i went through.

I try to not let their words get to me but i'm human, i have feelings haha. I just don't understand why they do this?

I learnt a long time ago "you can pick your friends but not your family".
Take it all with a pinch of salt, they (older generation) want to help you and give you advice but sometimes they don't understand..it has always been like this and will always be.
Familys fight but the good ones can sort it out.
Don't worry too much you will be fine

reply to post by nms120113


You are not alone.

Oftentimes with parents they have the sole intention to love unconditionally and do what they see as right. As humans this unconditional love comes in an extremely flawed format, with parents relating certain tangibles such as cleaning up one's room with other "tangibles", such as our young desire to date and find others of our age. I believe that deep down they understand the lack of correlations between the two, but are in a position of trying to understand a generation which it is just not in their capabilities to fully get.. What they most positively DO NOT understand is that maturity and self-governance is being instilled in us kids at younger and younger ages.

I have several siblings younger than myself [at 22 years of age] and I'm finding that my youngest brother [13] has already known and come in contact with things I was picking up at ages 15-16, right around when I was starting to drive and become independent.

I believe it is a result of our societies growing inclination towards technology, information, and pseudo-social interactions [facebook,twitter,etc.] that we find ourselves reaching that point of independence at younger and younger ages.

The mentality that-- "I'm certainly old enough to be making my own decisions, why [besides financial support] do I even need these parents anymore." --seems to be overtaking individuals at lower and lower ages. BUT I must stress to you that this is not always correct. Your parents are trying to the best of their abilities to prepare you for a world that they themselves do not fully understand, and you have to respect them for that. Much anger, condescension and derision given FROM parents TOWARDS kids is an individual worry or fear that they themselves have, of not having fully [in their minds] completed their jobs of preparation. I find that the more silly the excuse for anger--and in your case an unclean room and boys not wanting to date you is about as silly as it gets--the more confused one's parents are.

At the core you must understand that they are certainly trying their best, and although at 20 years old you feel as though you've been ready for the world for the past 5 years, i can assure you that your parents will NEVER see this as the case, mine certainly never did.

Being self sufficient now, I look back at all the miniscule arguments I've had with my parents where I KNEW i was right as a sign of just how human my parents [and everyone's parents] truly are... The unconditional love that goes into raising a child must be a very confusing force, and no parents have seemed to have fully figured it out.

Behind that "Clean up your room!" or "You must be neater!" statement lies an unquantifiable fear that your parents have for your upbringing--and it stems from love, the desire to make you the most perfect daughter they can to their ability. All i can say is that they are your parents, and we owe them a HUGE amount of respect whether we like it or not.

There will come a time when you move-out of home and look back at these quirky parental stipulations and see them for the love [and fear] that they held.

reply to post by mmshelt


It's not that i despise or hate them. It's just that with every relationship that i've had they always seem to want to brain wash me into the fact that they will cheat on me, leave me etc. No matter what stage your at in a relationship you never really want to hear that. My mother isn't like that with me, i'm actually very close to my mother like a sister/bestfriend. It's my grandmother who is like that. I guess it comes from her experience & up bringing, but she doesn't grasp that this isn't her era anymore & things are different. I know that she's just trying to care but there's a limit to what you can say to someone, how many times you say it & how long you've been saying it before it just goes over the line & it's just not necessary.

I have moved out before & I loved it. The independence, the space was great. I could be who I really was, do everything to how it suits me best, what works for me & what doesn't. I visited them, they visited me. I proved to my mother & the rest of the family that i'm more than capable of looking after myself. But unfortunately the person i moved in with turned out to be an asshole so I had no choice other than to move back home. I was honestly terrified of moving back home, because I knew my grandmother would start with that stuff all over again.

Ever since I could remember, this family has just always been fights, issues, domestic voilence etc.
My mother left me when I was younger to live with her partner because my grandmother did the same thing to her & didn't accept her relationship. My uncle moved out first for the same exact reason. So ever since everyone left I was stuck with the grandparents & they took everything out on me. I couldn't be a proper child or teenager. As a child i wasn't allowed to have friends because she has this thought of all of them being a bad influence. High school was terrible, along with usual teenage dramas at school & boys, I didn't need her constantly putting me down on my looks. I'm a very creative person, I liked to play around with my hair, dye it different colours, style it etc. I went through all phases of "gangter" "emo" "goth". No matter what I did or what i looked like, it was never good enough. I was either too dark in skin, too skinny, too many pimples, gross hair. Whenever I tried to speak my mind & stand up for myself it was considered to be rebellious & speaking back in a bad way. For all these years i've tried to get my grandmothers acceptance but nothing is ever good enough.

reply to post by nms120113


My opinion: Get a good college education in an employable degree. Save your money up and invest it long term.
Learn to fix things. Learn to shop wisely. A man is not going to complete your life, they have their own problems. Remember that you are who you can rely on!

Women in their 60+ usually are emotional, manipulative, jaded, and depressed. What you think is all that matters
for you and your future. This is your time in life to really shine! You do not have yourself overly committed to others
at this age. Use your time wisely! Best of Luck!

reply to post by nms120113


I came from a disfuntional family then married a disfunctional man.

My grandmother used to tell me "they won't like you once they find you out". Never quit new what they would find out but it instilled in me that I wasn't good enough and would never be liked/loved.

So sorry this is happening in your family but they are trying to make themselves better by putting you down, focusing on minor things.

In my later years, I tried to refocus and tell myself that, ' I am just an imperfect person here on earth that makes mistakes like everyone else'. It helped until things tumbled downhill so hard and fast that forgot to remind myself. However, it did helped and is true.

Parents/grandparents have problems they have not resolved and place those problems on their children. Know this and rise above. I had to go through a deep depression before I forgave and understood. WE ALL DO THE BEST WE CAN WITH WHAT WE HAVE TO WORK WITH.

reply to post by boymonkey74


Majority if not all families fight, but these fights are ridiculous. Last year at christmas I woke up to domestic voilence, it was fights all week everyday. No one slept a wink at the house, some of the family refused to come over because they are over the drama & fights that happens constantly.

Yeah the older generations can't grasp modern times haha especially technology which is funny.

She most likely thinks its all advice that she's giving but how she actually says it & puts it out seems more just like a put down rather than friendly advice

reply to post by frugal


Getting good college & education is already a fail for me unfortunately. I didn't finish highschool, I ended up working instead. I tried studying many different things to see which one i liked but being in a school environment just doesn't suit me. I'm currently working my ass off to be able to afford a house with my partner.

No relationships are concrete but where are you going to get at with thinking negative things that it isn't going to work out & i'll be on my own one day anyway. There's that saying of "your afraid that it won't work it, oh but what if it does?"

reply to post by liveandlearn


My grandmother says the same things. Sorry to hear that happened to you.

Exactly, no one is perfect but she expects me to be this perfect model citizen. I know more than anyone that i'm not perfect, i have many insecurities about myself. I model to get more confidence in myself more, which in the end they just put me down on that too anyway so now i just tend to hide it from them.

I am definitely now living for myself & my future. I honestly thank my partner for putting faith in me, trusting me, re-assuring me. If not for him and friends, who knows what i would be doing or would have done. I realise that i can't make everyone happy all at once, & there will be some people that just cant be happy with you.

But i guess all we can do is put is aside, look at the future & do our best in life