HA HA HA HA HA.........To funny......

Finally, doing this topic was a very good idea. You made me laughed so much with your jokes....

Originally posted by ultra_phoenix
Finally, doing this topic was a very good idea. You made me laughed so much with your jokes....

I have one for you UP !

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know, he said, I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots. I have taught them to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with
them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're
hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!!



TRD, yours was very amusing as well!!

PA thats hilarious...

Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. The first one says "I've never come this way before"
The second one replies "Must be the cobbles"

ProudAmerican, here my answer :

I remembered another one..

A blind man is sitting on a park bench. A rabbi sits down next to him. The rabbi is chomping on a piece of matzah. Taking pity on the blind man, he breaks off a piece and gives it to the blind man.
Several minutes later, the blind man turns taps the rabbi on the shoulder and asks, "Who wrote this #?"

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macey's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"

"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras."

Confused, the man asked what were the types.

The saleslady replied, "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The
Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

Sister Margaret was a model nun all of her life, until she was called to get her just rewards. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said "Hold on, Sister Margaret...not so fast!"

"But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath... I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.

"That is precisely the problem," replied St. Peter, "...you never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong".

"Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded.

"I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished. We will discuss your situation then." ordered St. Peter.

Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. "Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up".

"Good!" replied the old saint, "Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me back when you are ready."

Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after taking several belts of Jack Daniels.

"Saint Peter, I feel woozy... that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me...it is all I can do to keep it down."

"Good...good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong," said St. Peter with delight.

"Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense, and then call me."

A week passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message:
"Yo, Pete...it's Peggy...It's gonna be a while!"

It was getting a little crowded in heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.

The new law was that, in order to get into heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

The next day at 12:01, the first person comes to the gates of heaven.

The angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly says to the man,
'Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.'

'No problem,' the man says. 'I came home to my 25th floor apartment in my lunch hour and caught my wife half-naked and appearing to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give
up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

'Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 storeys and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.'

The angel sits back and thinks for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the angel announces,
'OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and lets him in.

A few seconds later the next guy comes up.

'Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.'

The man says, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!

'Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom that broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.'

The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story.

'I could get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself. 'Very well,' the angel announces, 'welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel is warming up to his task.
'OK, please tell me what it was like the day you died.'

The man says, 'OK, picture this. I'm naked inside this refrigerator. . .'

The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (ie. bad spelling has been left in):

'In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.'

'Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.'

'Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.'

'Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.'

'Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.'

'The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.'

'Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.'

'Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.'

'Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.'

'The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the 10 amendments.'

'The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.'

'The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.'

'Moses died before he ever reached Canada.'

'Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.'

'The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.'

'David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.'

'Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.'

'When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.'

'When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.'

�Jesus was born because Man had an immaculate contraption.'

'St John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.'

�Jesus said the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.'

'He also explained, "A man doth not live by sweat alone."'

'It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.'

'The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.'

'The epistles were the wives of the apostles.'

'One of the opossums was St Matthew who was also a taximan.'

'St Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.'

'A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.'

Bless their little hearts!

Lol they are getting better..!

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest cough to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knocking, there's no paper in this one either."



Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit (groan) on a hot day.
So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel. They ask who it is.
"The blind man," a voice replies. The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind.
He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice tits! Where do you want me to install these blinds?"

Father Larry is in the confession booth one day when he has to go to the bathroom really bad. He Calls over to the janitor. Jim ,the janitor, comes over and Father Larry explains that he has to go to the bathroom and wants Jim to take over in the confession booth for him. Jim explains that he is not even catholic and does not think it would be appropriate for him to take over, Father Larry insist and explains to Jim that if somebody enters the booth to just look up the punishment in the book on the table. Jim agrees and sits down in the booth.

The first sinner comes in and says 'Father I have sinned, I have cursed at my mother' Jim thumbs through the book and finds 'cursing at mother'. Jim reads the note and tells the sinner to say two hail Mary�s and they are forgiven.

A minute later another sinner comes into the booth and says 'Father I have sinned, I cheated on my test'. Once again Jim looks it up in the book and tells the sinner to say three "our Father's" and they will be forgiven.

Jim starts top enjoy his new job and becomes more relaxed. The next sinner walks in and say 'Father please forgive me, I have sinned.' Jim says 'My son, What have you done' The sinner replies 'I have had anal sex' Jim, feeling very comfortable goes over to the book and looks up anal sex, not finding anything he checks again, but sure enough they is nothing for anal sex. Jim starts to get worried and then he notices little Billy playing out back. Jim calls out to Billy 'hey Billy what does Father Larry give for anal sex?'

Bill shouts back 'Two twinkies and a coke!

A young boy is doing poorly in math at public school. His mother decides to send him to a private Catholic school to rectify the situation.

Lo and behold, after a semester in the new private Catholic school, the boy's grades were straight A's, even in math!

Surprised, his mother asked him how he liked his new school.

"Oh, it's all right, I guess," he replies.

"They must be teaching you some new tricks!"

"Not really."

"Then what do you think is making the difference in your math grades?"

"Well", he says, "as soon as I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!"

After the jokes, now some funny pics.

I've a preference for the first one and the last one.

Here's a couple......

Spy Kids Blow Pokemon???



Ok heres a new joke...

An english Doctor and a french doctor were having lunch together at a medical convention. their conversation is on sexual medical problems, and the french doctor begins to talk about this case that he dealt with a few days before coming to the convention...

"this women came into my clinic and she had a strange problem. you should have seen her!! her clit was like a melon!!"

"Yeah right," says the english doc "she could not possibly have a clit the size of a melon!!"

" You english, you are always thinking of size... i was talking about the flavour..."

Daystar, I don't know if it's disgusting or not, but I know it's funny.

i do so try my utmost to be as disgraceful as possible...

A guy sees a sign in front of a house in London: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back garden.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Sure do." the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded loads of medals. Had a wife, a few puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten quid."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Cause he's a f--king liar. He's never done any of that stuff"

OK i heard this from an AMERICAN so any americans who dislike this Dont get $#iTTy with me

American Patriotism...

Dying American soldier in battlefield hospital in Afghanistan:

"How I wish I could kiss the American flag before I die."

Nurse (Extremely touched by the soldier's patriotism): "I have a tattoo of the American flag on my bottom. You may kiss it if you don't mind."

Soldier: "Of course I wouldn't mind. Thank you for fulfilling my last wish."

The nurse took of her panty and the dying soldier kissed the flag.

Soldier: "Thank you, nurse. Would you be so kind as to turn around so that I could kiss Bush too?"

You have to be able to laugh at yourself, when your country is led by a Bush and a Dick....

Cause he's a liar!