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A year ago I injured myself by hitting my head. I suffered some brain damages.
Some of it was, surprisingly, positive like, in its effects; I stopped smoking without any of the bad stuff we usually feel when stopping smoking. Old physical pains, even my asthma, has gone, or lessened its negative impacts on the body.
But I also suffered from different types of amnesia.
For instance, I looked up some Beatles music a few days ago, on youtube, and there right before me, were tons of song by them I didn't know. At all.
I forgot words, and the weirder part? I could not even describe with proper words what I was talking about. If I wanted to talk about a car, but forgot the word, I could not say box-like, wheels, tires, or even vroom-vroom. I was left with very little to tell what I had in mind.
Also, I would stop talking mid-sentence, not knowing anymore that I was talking. My interlocutor would need to tell me that we were talking and what I was talking about before it would come back to me, if it did at all.
My short term memory has been scrapped but it has improved in the last weeks. For nearly 8 months following the accident, I was not able to watch a movie or tv show, nor could I read. I was simply unable to remember what was going on with what I was looking at... Writing was Hell. Still is, trying to make sense of anything I need to express.
Strangely enough, my short term memory also impairs my ability to remember my dreams. I'll wake and know I was dreaming, but won't know about what at all.
I also seem to suffer from a sort of partial anhedonia, a loss of pleasure. Not on everything though. There are things I used to care about that I don't anymore. Things that didn't make me laugh before now do, and what did don't anymore. Same with sadness, anger, in brief, its like I just changed the points given for a character balance in a video game.
But it doesn't bother me one iota. I used to wonder if an amnesic cared for what he didn't remember.
Well, for me, I don't care. From my own point of view, I have no strings attaching me to some peoples or events from the life I had as who I was before the accident.
Some will find it harsh, but imagine yourself being told to feel attached to a stranger in the bus as you do your loved ones. It feels just like that for me, even if I have memories with the people or events I'm talking about. I imagine I should feel a bit discomforted by all this, but the truth is I don't.
What else? I use some words instead of the good ones. I'll say yogurt instead of ice cream, even when asked what ice cream I am holding. Then I notice my gaffe, and correct with the proper word; YOGURT! lol
I could say it is annoying, but it almost is not. At least not for me. I stutter a bit now and words starting with the letter d have a tendency to stop my speech for 2-3 seconds before I can go on.
My pain level is all messed up. I'll feel the same pain you do, but only for a few minutes. I burned my hand a few weeks ago, to the point of losing some skin, but after a few minutes, I could put my hand under warm water and it would mildly tingle, or scratch...
My neck and head, though, still feel very painful, sometimes like the moment I injured myself. And no pain killers are working then.
Or my messed up pain level is softening the blow, and I don't even know it. But it makes me understand why some pro sports players that suffered repetitive concussions end up killing themselves.
There are days when the pain is not that bad, but still barely tolerable. Because even if you look ok and act ok, you feel your brain is destroyed. I know there are days I feel totally destroy, and if I was to die right then, I wouldn't mind at all.
But don't worry, I'm not feeling suicidal. I am just witnessing myself suffer symptoms, and felt I needed to share so people would know what it feels like.
It also leads to some very interesting facts. People who are judgmental and had wrong ideas as to who I was still perceive me as who they think I was and still think I am. Others who aren't judgmental notice my personality has changed. Not necessarily by much, but enough to be noticed.
I have a bit less inhibitions concerning some things, like I'm more likely to tell "# off" than I used to. So I police myself, but sometimes I just can't and it all comes out.
OK, my brain is pretty tired now so I'll let it at that for now. I'll come back later to answer people, if any comment at all. lol
I feel like its a lousy half-made OP, but if I paste the text I just wrote and save it on my desktop, it'll just get old there without ever being seen again.
PS: I try to read my texts to correct as I write pretty darn stupidly from time to time. So if it all or partially sound totally incoherent, well... meh.
I don't care anymore, I said it above somewhere...