Things NOT to say to people with Cancer...

reply to post by Cancerwarrior


You have people here who genuinely understand and care. As my cancer doctor once told me, "No one's cancer is exactly alike. We are going to deal with your cancer, your concerns, your physical and emotional well being."

You have every right to feel what you feel. Having cancer is like a roller coaster of emotions and most people dealing with it, or who have dealt with it in the past know this and understand.

reply to post by denyego26


What an awesome Mom you are to have shaved your head for your child. That was one thing that really freaked me out when I had my cancer as I had very long hair down my back and lost it. It does grow fast but not fast enough for me. LOL It's just past my shoulders now.

Night Star
reply to post by denyego26

 

What an awesome Mom you are to have shaved your head for your child. That was one thing that really freaked me out when I had my cancer as I had very long hair down my back and lost it. It does grow fast but not fast enough for me. LOL It's just past my shoulders now.

It broke my heart to see her brown curls go but it was just hair. Hair grows back. Those 2+ years she had chemo took some of my sanity though. My nerves are a wreck. I read that parents to a child with cancer suffer similar symptoms as soldiers coming back from war. I really do not wish this burden on anyone. I am glad you are well now.

reply to post by denyego26


Thank you so much and I am thrilled your daughter is ok now. Hugs!

reply to post by denyego26


Although no two cases are alike and the roller coaster can take different twists and turns for everyone...I'm sure I probably have some idea at least of what you went through being a mum of a childhood cancer survivor myself. Much admiration to you, and may your daughter never have to look back!

Shaving your hair was an awesome thing to do...I'm sure when your daughter looks back on the pictures when she is older she will have much admiration for you!

You are right...some studies have shown that as much as 20% + of parents who have had a child diagnosed with cancer suffer from a form of Post Traumatic Stress, particularly once the imminent threat is over and families are trying to rebuild family life. I think it is probably higher than that even. Many children also suffer from PTS and can develop chronic anxiety and other mental health issues as a result of their treatment...as I'm sure can happen in adult survivors also.

Again much admiration to you for dealing with the "unspeakable" and coming out the other side...albeit a little bruised and battered. You said you lost some of your sanity and your nerves are a wreck, I can identify. I hope you have a support network for yourself as you deserve it!

reply to post by celticdog

I didn't say that, I talk to people see how they are and where they are mentally. You read into things to see what you want that is why you wont listen.

So now you are changing it up to say that you understand everything about how I feel because you have talked to other cancer patients in the waiting room in the doctors office about how they feel? Well then that is an even more idiotic statement than what I thought you had originally said.

You know absolutely nothing about me, my life, or what I've been through. You keep acting as if you do, but that does'nt change the FACT that you don't. So you heard of a friends girlfriend that talked about her cancer all the time. So I guess that means everyone with cancer is being a whiner and complaining! You know ignorant means "lacking in knowledge" right? Well you are very lacking in knowledge, therefore ignorant.

Your just stuck in the anger, why me, don't want to listen mode, I don't need any help, let me vent , pissed off ,my cancer is worse so I need more sympathy.

Let me be blunt with you since you insist on "helping" me.

I do not want your help, your "advice" is insulting and your tone is condescending. And believe me, your sympathy is a complete non issue for me, I neither want or need your friggin sympathy. Or anyones for that matter.

Think about it for a second, you are posting on a thread in the RANT forums telling someone to stop being angry......

So I don't need the know the ins and out of every cancer the same emotions apply

That is where your wrong. There are bad and worse cancers. If you don't know that then I guess you need to go back to the doctors waiting room and talk to some more people.

If you would actually read up on skin cancer you would see that Melanomas are only 4 percent of skin cancer cases. The other two that are mostly diagnosed are squamous and basal cell. Easily treatable and mostly stay away and actually go into remission like alot of "normal" cancers.

Hope you get the help you need

Awww, I'm touched. Once again your concern for my emotional well being shines through.

You keep feigning my feelings and best interest are at stake with your "advice" that you so freely give. Personally I think you are doing nothing more than taking an oppurtunity to act self righteous and indignant. You're basically saying, "Look pal I know what you're going through because I had ball cancer once 12 years ago and I've talked to other people with it so that makes me an expert on what people with cancer feel and they all want sympathy because this one time at band camp I heard some friends girlfriends got cancer and just wanted sympathy from it so stop talking about it to everyone in town and just stop being so angry and be positive and your cancer will go away just like mine did!"

Hope you get the help you need

Whatever....

Keep your damn sympathy and lame advice and this time I'm REALLY done with your snide comments.

reply to post by Night Star

You have people here who genuinely understand and care.

I see that, and I am very glad that I started this thread. It has been hugely helpful to me just to have other people say, "I know what you're talking about."

Some folks feel the need to give unsolicited advice about my emotional well being. Advice that I neither asked for or sought out, so I'm a bit irritated at that but otherwise grateful for the overwhelmingly positive responses/stories so far.

Thanks again nightstar and everyone else that has contributed to this thread.

reply to post by Logos23

some studies have shown that as much as 20% + of parents who have had a child diagnosed with cancer suffer from a form of Post Traumatic Stress

I think you touched upon something important here.

And as a combat veteran who has also been deployed to a couple different wars I can tell you that being in any state of constant anxiety will do that to a person. Whether its anxiety from a bullet or anxiety from a disease its the same type feeling. So I guess it's to be expected in alot of cases I think. Of course not everyone deals with things in the same manner but nobody really thinks about the caregivers well being as much as they do the victims of the disease.

Just like there are alot of veterans who do not believe they have PTSD i'm sure there are alot of people battling long term debilitating illness (and people that take care of them) that struggle with it unaware.

reply to post by Cancerwarrior


Ok, so you have the list of forbidden talk. Why not have a list of stuff you would like to talk about?

I have a friend with stage 4 lymphoma cancer. I have not once talked to him about his cancer.
We go fishing, shooting, driving around. He has his bad days and good days. I only help him when he asks.

People don't understand cancer. And people with cancer don't want to always be reminded of the cancer.

wow!
it sounds like you hate ever one who does not have it.
thing is you would do the Same in their place...
stop hating so much.
people just dont know what to say.
so they say some thing stupid.

I get those comments as well but I don't have cancer.


So and so was on tv the other day, you know he's in the Paralympics. If he can overcome it, so can you. He is so positive. Makes me feel like I have to ski down a mountain before anything I achieve is recognized.

I broke my arm, I know just how you feel to have one hand. I couldn't do my hair this morning.

Here let me pinch my nails into your skin. "can you feel that?" Yes I can actually. I haven't lost feeling. More hypersensitive than anything, so stop poking me.

" do you think that one day you will just wake up and be normal?"

Then there's people who talk extra loud like I'm deaf or intellectually challenged.

Or those who ask my daughter to ask me something.

The one I truly loved was "make the best of it"

Then there's just people who stare.

I get all the try this light therapy, try this horrid juice.

The cruelest one was " you need to hang out with your own kind" My own kind?? What kind would that be, I'm human like your kind asshole.

People say ignorant things but they don't know they are I suppose.

buddha
wow!
it sounds like you hate ever one who does not have it.
thing is you would do the Same in their place...
stop hating so much.
people just dont know what to say.
so they say some thing stupid.

No. Be kind.

reply to post by Cancerwarrior


I will take back all I said since my experience with cancer didn't count for anything.

I will go what one poster said .... Don't talk to people with cancer....gotcha

reply to post by Cancerwarrior


I fought cancer when I was 18 years old. Thank you for posting this.
It's five years later, and I'm now healthy

I tried to write some helpful sounding response in order to not hurt your feelings, but instead, I'm going to write the first thing that came to mind. Please don't take this as a personal attack...its just my opinion.

First, its you thats making people uncomfortable by even speaking about your cancer to people. Noone wants to hear some Betty Buzzkill talking about chemo therapy or how she has stage four cancer.

I'm not saying that pertains to all the people who have responded strangely to your cancer, but I doubt anyone would even know if you weren't advertising it.

People react to death and dying differently. I mean, what IS a proper response when you hear someone is dying anyway? Why even put people in the position to respond in the first place?

While you have my sympathy for your plight, I really don't care as I don't have a dog in that fight. You gotta realize that in the grand scheme of things, neither you...nor your cancer mean anything to anyone besides family.

Expecting strangers to care is really the problem I see.

reply to post by Night Star


I could not help but read all the replies. I do not have Cancer but my dad died of lung/brain cancer. I have been next to him since he was diagnosed till the day he departed. I am thinking since that day: what was suppose to be said? There was a silence in regards to the disease everyone did not talk about it , not one time, but we all suffered. There were no words was too painful. It is one experience (being with someone dying of cancer) that I think people who are healthy should go through , it will make them a better person. A better person for life.

No one ever teaches what to do when you find out you have cancer or what to say in relation to yourself and the ones around you. No one teaches those around what to do or say. I loved my dad and up till today I could not explain how we did not talk at all about him dying , about the disease. He did not want to , maybe because he did not want to upset us, or to upset him. I will never know. We told him we love him and that he loves us back. But that was it.


I wish I had a crash course in this before, but life is cruel and i was young. I know now better. I learned better. 10 years of reflection since then will give you an insight into what you are suppose to say or not say.

It has a great impact on someone, hopefully when they come to the realization that there are things we can do or say to the one we love that is sick with this horrible disease. I cried every night I was miserable and then I will put a normal face the next day. I could never express how it is still hurting but what it hurts more is the fact that I have never approached it straight on , discuss it and make closure for both of us, maybe say things we have never said to each other.

I will encourage anyone who reads this, just be kind, show love , tell the person what they really mean to you, give them food for the soul, not ask about their insurance or tell them "do not worry,you will feel better". Do not say anything that You can not guarantee.

It is a subject that is always brushed under the carpet. Almost everyone I know , knows someone who has cancer, is out here people, is everywhere. One day the healthy one may take the place of the cancer one and then his whole point of view and life will change. Act and say things that you would like to be said or done to you if you had cancer , this is how you measure. But hey!... people are too self centered these days to be able to place themselves in the position of the diseased one.

I have been through every step of this , It looks ugly it is a horrible battle but what do we learn? I learned to be a better person and not take one day for granted. I became humble and extremely grateful for life. I do not put emphasis on material stuff. Experience and great memories is what we are left with in the end.

When you look into the person's eyes that is dying of cancer , what do you see? Ask yourself that question. The answer may surprise you. All your fears are reflected in there. If you are healthy make a note and this is how you should live your life based on what you discovered.

I hope I will be on this planet when a cure will be put out there for everyone at no cost. We are a planet of people and a society that is CANCER. We do not care about the sick we care about big corporations to make money.

Go and live with someone dying of cancer and you will understand my point of view. Take time one day and go in a hospital, volunteer. Look around and realize life in health is something you can not buy, realize how lucky you are and live accordingly.

reply to post by Cancerwarrior


Some of those are pathetic aren't they? Yeah as a cancer survivor I've heard a few...the "It could be worse.." one is the worst! Or the super 'christian' telling me that "...oh, you won't be given anything you can't handle..." (Yeah, Jackass, would you mind flipping the toilet set up for me so I can puke now?)

Yup! If you can say anything, say something funny to make me or that other cancer survivor/surviving laugh, not cry. If you can't, just shut up OK?!...you'll make it a lot easier on us!

Jim Jackson

imasheep
I tried to write some helpful sounding response in order to not hurt your feelings, but instead, I'm going to write the first thing that came to mind. Please don't take this as a personal attack...its just my opinion.

First, its you thats making people uncomfortable by even speaking about your cancer to people. Noone wants to hear some Betty Buzzkill talking about chemo therapy or how she has stage four cancer.

I'm not saying that pertains to all the people who have responded strangely to your cancer, but I doubt anyone would even know if you weren't advertising it.

People react to death and dying differently. I mean, what IS a proper response when you hear someone is dying anyway? Why even put people in the position to respond in the first place?

While you have my sympathy for your plight, I really don't care as I don't have a dog in that fight. You gotta realize that in the grand scheme of things, neither you...nor your cancer mean anything to anyone besides family.

Expecting strangers to care is really the problem I see.

YOU ARE THE PROBLEM I SEE !

I am in shock that you could actually write this. I am ashamed for the human kind and what you just expressed in your post. I care if a dog is sick. I care when i hear someone i do not know as family or close friend hurts or has cancer. I hurt. I do not care if they are family or not. To generalize it and put it out there like that is a SHAME. I feel sorry for those around you and those that will encounter you in their life path. The world will never be a better place if more people like you are born.

After all these years, and all the loved ones that I know that have fought Cancer, I still don't know what to say.

My grandmother. My ex BF. And currently, two of my close friends and now my mother. I feel so completely helpless, and so completely incompetent. I try to just make sure that they know how much I love them, and listen as much as I can. Give them validation, support. Put my needs aside for them. And its hard, because, losing my mother is the worst thing I have ever gone through, and I hurt so much, I 'want my mommy'. And for once, it's my turn to be there for her, not the other way around.

And I will say this, I don't know either of you, but in my heart, I care for you just as much as I do those in my life that are struggling with this. I have limitless empathy even if I don't have all the right words. And I'm so sorry that you have to go through this.

reply to post by imasheep

First, its you thats making people uncomfortable by even speaking about your cancer to people. Noone wants to hear some Betty Buzzkill talking about chemo therapy or how she has stage four cancer.

My 5 year old great nephew has more compassion for sick people than you do. What a horrible thing to say!

If you ever get cancer, how would you like it if no one wanted you to talk about it or even cared?