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Things NOT to say to people with Cancer...

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posted on Oct, 15 2013 @ 02:43 PM
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posted on Oct, 15 2013 @ 02:56 PM
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reply to post by Cancerwarrior
 


Timely post for me to come across. Having lost a very close friend to cancer at around 30 yrs old, I.wasn't happy with how I handled his time battling. My thinking was to treat it as if we knew he'd end up fine. As a result, a lot of conversations which should have been had never were. I felt like some of those things would indicate an admission of defeat. Now, this was a very close friend, who would confide in me those things most people would never know. We both closed up and conversations became very superficial:.sports, politics, the nurse whose body was mind-boggling even in scrubs (whom he said jokingly made it all worthwile) etc.

The problem with keeping things as they were is that we would often discuss and contemplate our thoughts and feelings about things. That kind of conversation in the situation would have meant a lot of discussing prognosis and what he was thinking. I don't think that's what he wanted, but then, I never asked.

So now here I find myself 6 yrs later with another friend (who was also very close to the friend discussed above), and I want to handle things better. Her cancer is of a type that can be wiped out or mostly so, and kept.from returning through tailored, targeted meds. The treatment is not as harsh as chemo or radiation. If the meds work (or their.one backup med), in 6 months she'll be in.remission until it mutates to conquer the meds (which it will.) She has a 55% chance of making it longer than 12 months, and if she does, about 60% chance its back in less than 3 years.

So I ask myself, how to handle it. Your list of no-nos I agree with, but as to what SHOULD one say, what I've decided is this:
1- mostly, conversate as normal
2- what you say or don't depends largely on your relationship with that person. Dont.ask the.neighbor.down the street who you barely know to share their most personal thoughts and feelings.
3 - this time around, for me, I'm going to let her know whether it is questions about what the docs have told or. ot told her, personal feelings, or simply shoot the proverbial bs, talk about daily.life, etc. On any given day, any topic is open, and the choice of what to talk about is up to her.

Many people, when fighting cancer, want to be in.control of their outlook, regardless of their.odds. saying the wrong thing can.rob the.person.of.that control. Soryfor the keyboardsuddenfky going stupid. Battery low. Touchscreenis the.worst invention since.Roundup.



posted on Oct, 15 2013 @ 03:15 PM
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posted on Oct, 15 2013 @ 03:25 PM
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reply to post by dogstar23
 





So I ask myself, how to handle it. Your list of no-nos I agree with, but as to what SHOULD one say, what I've decided is this:
1- mostly, conversate as normal
2- what you say or don't depends largely on your relationship with that person. Dont.ask the.neighbor.down the street who you barely know to share their most personal thoughts and feelings.
3 - this time around, for me, I'm going to let her know whether it is questions about what the docs have told or. ot told her, personal feelings, or simply shoot the proverbial bs, talk about daily.life, etc. On any given day, any topic is open, and the choice of what to talk about is up to her.


I totally agree with you.

Of course if she wants to talk about treatments or whatever I'm sure it will do her some good to do that. Some folks are private and don't want to really talk about it or maybe reality has to sink in a little before it becomes real to them.



Many people, when fighting cancer, want to be in.control of their outlook


That's exactly it. You feel out of control when things happen and all of a sudden your life is filled with oncologist visits and scans and surgeries and such. I don't feel like I've had control of much of anything for a long time now.

I think she is lucky to have a friend like you that understands that and can maybe help with it.



posted on Oct, 15 2013 @ 03:39 PM
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reply to post by celticdog
 





Yes free and clear 12 years.(what Lance Armstrong had) From your OP it sounded like those were the responses you got from talking about it.


I thought he had some kind of testicle cancer. I know he did not have stage 4 Melanoma. Google Melanoma and read up on it and then tell me I'm just being a big baby and complaining to everyone with a pair of ears.

Peoples thinking tends to go like this:

Lance Armstrong had cancer..... (or insert some other famous celebrity name that went through cancer treatments)

You have cancer.....

Lance Armstrong is still alive......

So you will still be alive.......

See how that's not right now?




Anyone who gets sick like some attention but some go over board. Some people like to wallow in their sickness.


Anyone who has ever had a hypochondriac mother would agree with you. You seem to be implying that I'm just a complainer and the complaining is whats making me angry. That's not true. People say complaining about things never does anything good, but if I feel better after getting a long rant off my chest so it does do something good.



So if someone gives some advice right now you wont take it because it came across the wrong way and got you all mad.


I fail to see what advice you gave except "quit talking about your cancer to people".

Thanks for the advice.


edit on 15-10-2013 by Cancerwarrior because: (no reason given)



posted on Oct, 15 2013 @ 03:44 PM
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celticdog
Anyone who gets sick like some attention but some go over board. Some people like to wallow in their sickness. That wasn't my attempt at tough love, you are causing your own pain by dwelling on people and how they talk to you plus you added to it by reading other stupid responses.


1 - The responses weren't 'stupid'.

2 - You don't understand the five stages of grief ... which are NATURAL and healthy. People go through them at their own pace. There is no set time period for people to go through them.

3 - People have a right to be angry at their situations.

edit on 10/15/2013 by FlyersFan because: (no reason given)



posted on Oct, 15 2013 @ 03:55 PM
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reply to post by FlyersFan
 


I know that I meant his OP responses. And I did say he is in the anger stage and has to move passed it that could be a few years from now or when ever



posted on Oct, 15 2013 @ 03:57 PM
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double post
edit on 10/15/2013 by FlyersFan because: (no reason given)



posted on Oct, 15 2013 @ 04:01 PM
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reply to post by celticdog
 





And I did say he is in the anger stage and has to move passed it that could be a few years from now or when ever


So are you Dr. Phil now? You've already diagnosed me huh. Maybe in a few years ill be out of the anger stage?!

In a few years I will be lucky to still be alive. So forgive me Dr. Phil if I don't make getting over the anger stage a priority.

Once again, thank you for your mildly sincere concern.

Any other little nuggets of wisdom for me?

You know what, just keep them to yourself if you do.
edit on 15-10-2013 by Cancerwarrior because: (no reason given)



posted on Oct, 15 2013 @ 04:07 PM
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reply to post by Cancerwarrior
 


I didn't know that Lance had what I had until a few years ago. I can use the same analogy and flip it, if you believe you are going to die of it you will and maybe even quicker. Keep complaining, get it out and good luck to you



posted on Oct, 15 2013 @ 04:32 PM
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reply to post by celticdog
 


I'm very glad for you that all you had was a simple procedure and some blood taken and you have not heard a peep from your cancer for twelve years now.

I'm glad that you have never been so sick to your stomach that you could'nt hold your head up. I'm glad you never had to watch your wife cry herself to sleep every night because you have a cancer that kills 9 out of 10 people. I'm glad you never had to deal with chemo, radiation, surgery, brain tumors, oncologist visits, blood transfusions, bone pain, nerve pain all of that nasty stuff.

Maybe if you did have to deal with all of that when you had your cancer you would be lucky enough to have somebody give you the advice to "just don't talk about it" or "if you believe you are going to die you will" or "don't be so angry"

Then again maybe not.



One of the common misperceptions about melanoma is that it is "just another skin cancer." Far from it. Melanoma is the deadliest form of skin cancer. Most people that die from skin cancer die from melanoma. One reason it is so deadly is that it is very aggressive. In fact, melanoma is likely to kill you if not diagnosed at an early stage.

Another misperception is that melanoma just stays on the skin and it is merely a blotch or mole that should eventually be removed. Not only does melanoma leave the skin by traveling through your bloodstream, it will attack vital organs like your lungs and your brain. Once melanoma travels to other areas of your body, the traditional treatments (radiation, chemotherapy, surgery) rarely work. After it has spread (metastasizes), melanoma kills almost nine out of every 10 victims.


www.medicalnewstoday.com...

www.cancer.org...

www.tiffanysmelanomafoundation.org...

There ya go, read up on melanoma so you are not as ignorant next time.
edit on 15-10-2013 by Cancerwarrior because: (no reason given)



posted on Oct, 15 2013 @ 04:59 PM
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reply to post by Cancerwarrior
 



Cancerwarrior

I fail to see what advice you gave except "quit talking about your cancer to people".

Thanks for the advice.



This is what frustrates me the most...cancer sufferers and their carers can easily become isolated. Sometimes they just want a "honest" conversation but very often they end up feeling like they are depressing people and making people feel awkward.

Even at 7 years old my daughter used to feel that while in a public place her very presence used to make people feel awkward. I wish I could say she was wrong....
I really feel strongly that in this day and age especially with the prevalence of cancer that as a society we should be more astute and equipped to deal with the feelings and needs of those living with the effects of cancer.There should be more education!

My little girl got to the point where she didn't mind spending so much time in hospital. It was her "family", she felt safe and accepted whilst in public there and she only ever identified with her peers when she was on the oncology ward. This felt all wrong to me...

I remember before my daughters diagnosis on occasion I saw things in the media, tv programmes and magazines etc that showed stories of childhood cancer sufferers and their families. I am ashamed to say that I used to skip over them because it was too painful to watch or read having children of my own. I couldn't entertain the idea...but fate stepped in and I then didn't have a choice.
I then realised that I had done those children and families a misjustice by not having the courage to "acknowledge" what they had endured.

I further realised that "acknowledgement" was a powerful word and concept for many....acknowledgement was all I wanted for my daughter. Not sympathy, not avoidance, not people feeling they had to say something clever or wise...just a simple " I know your daughter is here, I know she tries hard to be brave, I know sometimes she feels angry or scared....I acknowledge her"

Ending with what I said earlier.....I feel there is a huge need for way more education in society. Cancer is something that will affect most families at some point or another....so why are we as a society in general so lacking in skills to be able to deal with the subject and be more informed?
edit on 15-10-2013 by Logos23 because: (no reason given)



posted on Oct, 15 2013 @ 06:02 PM
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reply to post by Logos23
 




Cancer is something that will affect most families at some point or another....so why are we as a society in general so lacking in skills to be able to deal with the subject and be more informed?


I think that if you look at society as a whole, there is a general pervasive feeling that knowledge is not something to be strived for. The latest, Iphone, playstation, whatever those are the things to strive for.

I'll give you a perfect example. My wife earlier had downloaded an app on her phone to help her learn Spanish. All of the girls that were up there with her were making fun of her for wanting to learn another language. A few years ago when I still worked sometimes I would bring library books if I knew that work was going to be slow that day. I like to read military history. Especially Greek and Roman time periods. If they saw me in the back of the truck reading about the Punic wars or the Mongul invasion of Europe they would always make little comment like, "Hey man, tell me something smart, you're back there reading them history books and ye ain't even in school!"

Plus I guess to most people cancer is cancer. You either get it or you don't. And if you don't got it then don't worry about it. It's not one of those pleasant things that you really plan on and I guess its easy for alot of people to dismiss it.

But you're right, there's hardly a person in this country who does not know somebody who's a friend, family member, coworker that has had to deal with Cancer. Definately more awareness and educating people will help. I try to tell everyone that will listen that Melanoma is not just on your skin, it can go anywhere. Most people really have no idea that skin cancer can do that. I know I did'nt and ignorance of that almost killed me.



posted on Oct, 15 2013 @ 06:05 PM
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reply to post by Cancerwarrior
 


You are just taking snippets of what I said. If you remember I did do the same thing to heal and I talked about it but had to move on for my own health. Also I took a chance and choose not to have radiation or chemo.Testicular cancer can transfer into the lymph nodes. It made me question my belief in god,bible and life. If you are going to talk about it expect to have responses like in your OP so why get upset about it. Also I said you are going through the stage of anger and you know in your head it has to pass but it is not the time. The funny thing is you are arguing with me but not once have you ask how I dealt with it. What was your mind set? Who helped you? What else did I you? Maybe I didn't give my advice according to your sensibilities and therefore considered it an attack. Or maybe you don't want advice and want to rant, get angry which is understandable. I have talked to many people with different cancers because of the hours of waiting to get scanned so you can't say I am ignorant. Some accept their situation and do something about it. Some have the why me syndrome. Some are deeply depressed and ready to go. Which one are. I am sorry for what you are going through. Rant until you cant rant no more I guess. Take care



posted on Oct, 15 2013 @ 06:25 PM
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Cancerwarrior


But you're right, there's hardly a person in this country who does not know somebody who's a friend, family member, coworker that has had to deal with Cancer. Definately more awareness and educating people will help. I try to tell everyone that will listen that Melanoma is not just on your skin, it can go anywhere. Most people really have no idea that skin cancer can do that. I know I did'nt and ignorance of that almost killed me.



It's good that you try to educate people when you can about Melanoma...I try to do the same about childhood cancers. From my own experience and talking with other parents I have learnt that even GP's are woefully unaware of the signs and symptoms of childhood cancer because the symptoms can mimic many other common childhood illnesses. Cancer is usually the last thing a GP suspects when a child is ill and because of this a child can get a much later diagnosis.

I am not going to add to your insensitive list of things not to say by saying, at least you can try and make a difference with your experiences....but I know even with just this thread whether intentional or not you have touched many, and that can't be a bad thing!



posted on Oct, 15 2013 @ 06:28 PM
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reply to post by celticdog
 




You are just taking snippets of what I said.


No need to quote your entire post. What's wrong with that?



The funny thing is you are arguing with me but not once have you ask how I dealt with it.


Your cancer that you had is very very different from the one I have, asking how you dealt with it is irrelevant.



I have talked to many people with different cancers because of the hours of waiting to get scanned so you can't say I am ignorant.


So you mean to tell me that you know about all the different kinds of cancer because you talked to people in the hospitol waiting rooms about their cancer?!? Are you being serious?

You know what, I'm done replying to you.



posted on Oct, 15 2013 @ 08:10 PM
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Jefferton
Don't talk to people with cancer..

Gotcha.


It's more like... don't open your mouth if your an idiot.



posted on Oct, 15 2013 @ 08:17 PM
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reply to post by Cancerwarrior
 


I really appreciate that, and the thread. Not a lot of places to go to get some insight from folks who understand. Probably why most people go on repeating those phrases from your list, and feeling really awkward after doing so.



posted on Oct, 15 2013 @ 09:08 PM
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reply to post by Cancerwarrior
 


So you mean to tell me that you know about all the different kinds of cancer because you talked to people in the hospitol waiting rooms about their cancer?!? Are you being serious?

I didn't say that, I talk to people see how they are and where they are mentally. You read into things to see what you want that is why you wont listen. Numerous hours over ten years of talking people with all different types cancer we all have the same feeling and stages some go through them quicker than others. Your just stuck in the anger, why me, don't want to listen mode, I don't need any help, let me vent , pissed off ,my cancer is worse so I need more sympathy. Look my dad has prostate cancer. My father inlaw died of cancer of the brain and my cousin died of liver cancer but basically the chemo killed him first. So I know the emotions people go through both first hand and second hand. So I don't need the know the ins and out of every cancer the same emotions apply...............Hope you get the help you need



posted on Oct, 15 2013 @ 11:47 PM
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reply to post by celticdog
 


Cancer warriorer has been through a lot and can be as depressed or angry or whatever other emotion he feels. Your lack of compassion and empathy is unreal!




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