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Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

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posted on Nov, 15 2004 @ 11:19 AM
There's no Deep Thoughts thread?!

Well well...guess I'll have to start one then...

Here's a few of my favs!

"I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals."

"If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming."

"I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do."

"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."

It seems like a lot of these have a touch of Will Ferrell...anybody know if he was a writer for SNL at the time they did these?

Here's a few links to some others:

posted on Nov, 19 2004 @ 11:09 PM
My all time favorite:
Wording may be a little off but is close

You know, when I am sitting in the doctors office and I see something run across the floor, then jump up and grap some guy by the neck I have to ask myself? What is that thing?

posted on Nov, 20 2004 @ 01:10 AM
To my Knowledge WIll Ferral is not writing For Snl unless it's been the past 3yrs, ii haven't watched in a while, but WIll Ferral is byfar the funniest person they ever had to interact with that show. I still am hopin' i get "best of will ferall " this year for Xmas

posted on Dec, 14 2004 @ 12:27 PM

Originally posted by Hoppinmad1
You know, when I am sitting in the doctors office and I see something run across the floor, then jump up and grap some guy by the neck I have to ask myself? What is that thing?

I forgot you had posted that one in here...I was about to update this thread with that very one b/c I saw it in someone's siganture on GameFAQS and bursted out laughing...

How about these!

"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children’s
children, because I don’t think children should be having sex..."

"I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking
the state-appointed shrink is our friend..."

"If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would
you think liked dolphins the most? I’d say Flippy, wouldn’t you?
You’d be wrong, though. It’s Hambone..."


[edit on 12/14/2004 by EnronOutrunHomerun]

posted on Dec, 14 2004 @ 12:45 PM
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"? (LOL)

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

Build a man a fire and hes warm for a day, set him on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.

[edit on 123131p://461212 by instar]

posted on Dec, 15 2004 @ 05:26 PM
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

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