Part rant - part request for advice!

This is going to sound like a right whinge, and I am over 40 so part of me is like "Get a grip!" but the reality is that I really don't know where to turn or how to handle this.

How do I deal with stress of this situation? Both my (now ex) Girl Friend and I are at Uni. I am studying part time as I work. We have been together for almost 3 years. I am just going into my final year, so very heavy assignment based (approx 13 in 6 months) and then final exams. She is still in the first year, and so does not have such a heavy workload, but still very sizable. Because of ths, she suggested we step back for the seriousness of the relationship to concetrate on the studies for a few months, which seemed sensible. Nothing else changed. Two weeks ago, I was at her grandparents diamond wedding anniversary, as part of her family. Then the following Thursday, after I picked her up from work, she announced that she was seeing somebody else and on Sunday, I caught him naked in the kitchen. I am absolutlely in no doubt that it is over; my problem is I can't believe the last almost three years meant so little to her!

This all came totally out of the blue and I have had a feeling like a knot in my stomach for about a week now. Feel utterly betrayed and humiliated and cannot get motivated to even look at the assignements. In fact, I've seriously considered chucking Uni in altogether.


Don't really know what I am on here for. I am not looking for sympathy or "better off without her" type comments. Part of me feels I need to get it off my chest in an "anonymous" environment becasue I cannot think of anybody I can discuss feeling like this with.

Thanks for listening.

You're looking at "it" and are feeling pissed because of the loss of "time" Read over it again and see if "time" isn't a big part of it. (You are 40, 6 months, etc.) You are now looking back at "it" and figuring You "lost time"... You haven't, Your "ego" is trying to fool You (the ego's job) that You're better than that, You put in ALL this "time" and what have You got left? You have too much attachment w/that relationship, let go.

Or You can continue to beat YourSelf up about something You didn't do. Because You're 'time centric' There is One thing You can't do squat about and that is the PAST, what happened before NOW. You can try to prepare for the 'future' but You'll bring to the 'future' this crap from the Past, this is COUNTER Productive.

When You feel the "time" is right, thank Her for 'teaching' You that lesson and move on. She loved You enough to hint around "we're too busy" but in the end, You are stuck with You. This is when You KNOW (KNOWing trumps "feeling" thinking 'believing') that You deserve to be LOVED. You are Love.

'Learn, Teach and Have Fun' anything more than that and You're overworking the program.

Finish Your schooling or else that too will seem like a waste of "time". Time is what You make of it, NOT what it takes from You.
namaste

EDIT: And please remind Me if 'we' ever get invited over for dinner to make sure She cooks or they cater.. |'ve had way too many hairs in My soup at Cafe Risque the 24hr NUDE diner up on 75...

Being cheated on is never a good thing, for sure. It happened to me once...

But quitting university for any girl is totally not the thing to do. You will regret it big time in a few years if you do.

At the end of a relationship both parties always act in different ways, the 3 years together would still mean something to your ex, never think that it doesn't. But we all move on in different ways, this person your ex is seeing might be a rebound.

It's bloody hard to be in this situation, like yourself I was faced with this over a year ago and I'm still trying to get over it completely after being in a relationship for 5 years and being engaged for 3 of them.

All I can suggest is this:

D'ont give up on Uni work, try and focus on it more, drown out the noise for now and focus on your future. It will suck, oh god will it suck no one can tell you anything different.

I would give the cliché if "times a great healer" or "you will meet someone else" but in all honesty in your situation I would say nuts to that and jump into getting your work done. Only you can handle your grief in this but using this forum is a good stepping stone, always seek support from people who are not bias.

People will always help.

UKLionheart
such a heavy workload, but still very sizable. Because of ths, she suggested we step back for the seriousness of the relationship to concetrate on the studies for a few months...

Yep.
Women do this. Rather that say "you're dumped", they'd much rather say "I'm a bit busy right now"... or sometimes just be mean and nasty hoping that you break it off with her.

UKLionheart
... which seemed sensible.

Women dont do "sensible" in relationships.

reply to post by UKLionheart


I don't think you need advice.....I think you sound quite sensible and level headed and accept it's over.

As you suggested, I think you just needed to get it off your chest and reach out to someone. Most times we need to do this to be able to move forward effectively.

All I would say is regarding Uni.....don't make any decisions or make life changing moves while this stuff is still raw or it might send you down a path you may regret later. Oops was that advice? lol

reply to post by UKLionheart


The fact that she cheated on you proves that she is not long term relationship (LTR) material and it is likely she will cheat on this other chump too. Sleep with one of her friends, preferably one who is hotter, or a woman that is younger, thinner, and hotter than she is and make sure she gets to know about it.

Hi OP,
I've been cheated on too...it hurts for a long time.
My advice? SUCCESS is the best revenge!
Finish your schooling, and be really REALLY good at what you do.
In the long run, she will see what she missed out on, and you will be just fine....I promise!
jacygirl

finish the exams then join plenty of fish or whatever and have some meaningless fun .

fourty is young it is the new 30 do not loose the time with the schooling .

women are for a good time mates are forever and get a dog they are more loyal

You already recieved the best advice from others in here. Do not for one second think of giving up your studies. You would throwing away a good future for yourself. YOU are what matters most here. Concentrate on your studies, go out with friends and enjoy yourself and be open to something new and better than the damned X!!!!!! Obviously she didn't deserve you. There is someone out there for you who will be a keeper and you may meet her when you least expect it. I wish you all the best.

Here's the cure for "the breakup"...

"Go to the strippers" and get a really good lap dance. That or find a FWB situation. But just tell them that you're not serious but you just need someone around. Those are 2 ways. But don't drop school, you put so much work into it and you're almost done anyway, actually school is a very good distraction from the swarrow. Besides that's not real pain. That's nothing compared to what many people go through. At least you know what happened to her. Tell that to the guy whos' GF who he was deeply in love with just randomly disappeared, and he has no clue what happened to her. That she either was dismembered by a serial killer or ran off to Dubia with a rich arab playboy. At least you know she's safe, she's happy, and she'll be okay. Now go get that lap dance and drown the pain with some Jack. There is life after a breakup. Besides now you're free to do whatever the hell you want. After school is out, get a van, and travel around the country and or Europe and go see everything!!! Like seriously do that after school is out! You're free as a bird, you should be greatful for that! And there's lots of fish in the sea right. And again, you know she's okay, she's safe, and she's happy. So you can leave with the joy of knowing that, and you're far better off than the guy who's girl just randomly disappeared right.

Everyone's been cheated on.

The best strategy (and it is a fully conscious and committed decision) is to pretend that you have the memory of a goldfish...none of it ever happened. Deal with the good memories later. Right now, you are creating the bad memories. She is just another student at the the Uni you are at...don't engage her, don't acknowledge her.

She will have formed her own rationale about the 'relationship', and if you meant anything to her, she will attempt to contact you in some way...IGNORE ANY ADVANCE...if you get a letter, read it throw it away, forget it...if she wants to talk, treat her like a stranger - bye bye...I guarentee you, if she has an empathetic bone in her body, she will contact you - if not to allay her own guilt...she rings, you recognise her voice, hang up...

Its over...big hugs for you xxx

Å99

reply to post by akushla99



Good advice, cheaters always have some rationale or excuse in their minds that make what they did seem 'okay' to them, and they will try and rope you into this world view, because if they can convince the person they cheated on that it was okay, then they'll feel really fine about it.

They'll probably feel fine about it anyway. But at least you can avoid getting roped into helping them feel better about what they did.

Zero contact is the way to go.

Painterz
reply to post by akushla99

 

Good advice, cheaters always have some rationale or excuse in their minds that make what they did seem 'okay' to them, and they will try and rope you into this world view, because if they can convince the person they cheated on that it was okay, then they'll feel really fine about it.

They'll probably feel fine about it anyway. But at least you can avoid getting roped into helping them feel better about what they did.

Zero contact is the way to go.

Cheers Painterz...exactly as you've said it...it's all about the switch-and-shift of the cheater (this can include any dynamic where you are being cheated). Commonly, the dynamic (in any form) sees the cheater character gaining trust (and this includes relationships where 'trust' can become a bargaining chip...knowingly or unknowingly)...familiarity if not checked can breed contempt (even in a love relationship - not all, but some)...when the relationship 'transactions' become more than problematic (usually because of demands - which when refused are then spun back as a lack of trust/true friendship)...and you find yourself being 'roped into' more than you would have reasonably done (but never agreed to anyway - familiarity)...you know you are being played...The strategy is to eject, eject, eject...no ifs, no buts, no explanations (other than 'I don't think this is working anymore...gotta go, bye'). Then zero contact...might be painful, but crowd your free time, the less time you have to think, the better...studying is an excellent way to do three things at once in the OP's situation...study - get the documentation for a potential career (essentially by spending every available time studying)...deal responsibly and in an adult way with a messy break-up, and open your attitude to attention by the opposite sex by not being down-in-the-mouth, and showing it! Goldfish style! "ooo, there's a rock!'

Å99

First it has to be said you were not cheated on. She already had told you she wanted to scale back the relationship. She may not have been intellectually honest about the situation, but none the less it was you that failed to get an updated version of the defined boundaries. I am not saying you don't feel like it is a cheating situation, it probably feels that way and i am sure it is humiliating and hurtful but the writing was on the wall and you ignored it. Your heart is a little broken now but you will get over it, in the meantime focus on your studies and find some girls to date. Best of luck.

KeliOnyx
First it has to be said you were not cheated on. She already had told you she wanted to scale back the relationship. She may not have been intellectually honest about the situation, but none the less it was you that failed to get an updated version of the defined boundaries. I am not saying you don't feel like it is a cheating situation, it probably feels that way and i am sure it is humiliating and hurtful but the writing was on the wall and you ignored it. Your heart is a little broken now but you will get over it, in the meantime focus on your studies and find some girls to date. Best of luck.

Euphemisms have a way of confusing people no end...a disingenuous form of politesse that hardly advances communication while 'not being intellectually honest'...regardless of the quality of the honesty...it is an issue of honesty...the failure (in terms of procedural communication) resides in the initiator (in this case the cheating & dishonest party)...having information witheld from you (or having to 'take the hint') could hardly be a platform for the claim of failure when your reality is being manipulated, and not in possession of all sides of a story...

I agree, your last lines are the solution, any way you look at it.

Å99

reply to post by UKLionheart


UKLionheart,

Grow up UKLionheart. Stop the whining and man up. Learn from this experience. Learn to count yourself fortunate and dont let this experience make you insecure...but learn.

Think of it this way...count yourself fortunate that you learned this before you invested 4 years on this woman.

But learn you must do. Think of what it is you lack that this girl found in another man..and also think about if this is what you want to acquire or learn for a woman like this. In otherwords is a woman like this worth the trouble you have endured to learn?? Do you really want to be like this other man??

Life is RISK..always.

But no matter what you decide..get yourself together and finish University. No woman is sitting on the only one in town out there. Nor is any male. But university happens only once for most of us. So finish. You have a lifetime to find woman ..or let them find you.

IF you finish university and do well...out in the world...women will be finding you..guarantee it..and you can be very very selective about them.
Let me put it this way..How many women do you know who are eager and cannot wait to work their way down the food chain or in otherwords..down the economic ladder..verses up???
Finish university UKLionheart .




Just learn and or teach yourself the proper process for being selective.

But finish university first! Also dont let another woman steer you off course from university. Stay the course and finish.

The end of a relationship is not the end of the world.

Finishing university requires an attention span longer than a sound bite. . Most relationships do not among young people.

Finish university. Dont let a relationship side track you from this worth while goal of finishing University.

Orangetom

Hi all,

Thanks for the replies. It's good to know that I am not alone. Obviously, at my age I have been through similar situations before, so I am not being unrealistic about it. I do know that it's just going to take time to get over it and move on. I just wish my stomach didn't get so physical about it!!

I think this was just somewhere to get it off my chest as much as anything else.

Thanks again.

UKLionheart
Hi all,

Thanks for the replies. It's good to know that I am not alone. Obviously, at my age I have been through similar situations before, so I am not being unrealistic about it. I do know that it's just going to take time to get over it and move on. I just wish my stomach didn't get so physical about it!!

I think this was just somewhere to get it off my chest as much as anything else.

Thanks again.

Do sit-ups until your stomach aches! And you will get ripped before you know it, and chicks will dig it...40 year old, six-pack...worked for me...

Stay occupied in thought and action friend...don't give yourself any time to think about it...

Good luck! Soon you will be creating a thread about finding a fantastic new partner...

Å99

Man I didn't even have to read more then like two sentences. There should be an online female terms translator.

Lets just be friends = I'm not attracted to you at all.
Its not you its me = It's not you or me its another man in my life.

or in your situation:

Lets take a break to focus on studying = I need you to go away for a little while because of this other man in my life.

Its really that simple. Look past the words.


LOL I went back and read your post. See I was right. Kick her to the curb and move on buddy. Once a cheater always a cheater.