Moral Dilemma about Keeping my Mouth Shut

I have a problem, a moral dilemma that is pinging my consciousness constantly.

A friend of mine, left for a week to see her mother on the East coast with her son. I shall call her Leah, it's not her real name. Leah's boyfriend, the father of her son, stayed back here in MI while she went to visit her mother.

While they were gone, my friend's boyfriend, was seen around town with a different girl. I did not see him with this other woman. I heard about it from a mutual friend of my husband's and Leah's boyfriend, who mentioned he'd showed up at his house with this new girl. When my husband's friend was over, the story he relayed, was alarming. They were touchy feeling and acting as though they were on a date. When he asked the boyfriend where was Leah, the boyfriend said, "She went to her mothers. I don't know if she is coming back, and we may have broke up."

When Leah get's home, she tells me how at her job (she works at a dept. store in the mall, her boyfriend also works as a manager of a different store in the mall) these women are treating her strangely. People she doesn't even know. She mentioned that they will go to her boyfriend and talk smack about her, to her boyfriend! She mentioned how she all found it very odd, as she wasn't having this problem before.

I asked her if her and her boyfriend broke up during the time she left on vacation to see her mother. She said, "No, of course not, I'd already had this trip planned for months. It had nothing to do with my boyfriend and he's known for weeks I'm going and had no problem with me going". She then asked me why I asked, and I bit my tongue.

I don't know anything other than hear-say. I don't know if her boyfriend was running around on her. All I know is what I heard from a mutual friend of my husbands, who knows her boyfriend.

Should I mention it to her or keep my big trap shut? There are too many scary diseases out in the world a promiscuous person can give their partner if they are not faithful. If I was being cheated on, I'd want somebody to let me know. The risk involved to one's health is great. But I don't know if he was actually cheating on her. All I know, is what I heard. That he was hanging around with a woman while his girl was off visiting her mom.

My husband say's I need to mind my own business because all I know - is nothing. Squat. It's not my business to cause problems in their relationship. They have a child together. I'm listening to him, and not saying anything. But I feel as though I'm betraying her by not mentioning it. Particularly when she tells me of these new problems she is having with strangers, women she's never met, immediately after returning home from vacation at her job.

What do you all think? Is my husband right? Mum's the word, or should I spill the beans?

Cirque

CirqueDeTruth
I have a problem, a moral dilemma that is pinging my consciousness constantly.

A friend of mine, left for a week to see her mother on the East coast with her son. I shall call her Leah, it's not her real name. Leah's boyfriend, the father of her son, stayed back here in MI while she went to visit her mother.

While they were gone, my friend's boyfriend, was seen around town with a different girl. I did not see him with this other woman. I heard about it from a mutual friend of my husband's and Leah's boyfriend, who mentioned he'd showed up at his house with this new girl. When my husband's friend was over, the story he relayed, was alarming. They were touchy feeling and acting as though they were on a date. When he asked the boyfriend where was Leah, the boyfriend said, "She went to her mothers. I don't know if she is coming back, and we may have broke up."

When Leah get's home, she tells me how at her job (she works at a dept. store in the mall, her boyfriend also works as a manager of a different store in the mall) these women are treating her strangely. People she doesn't even know. She mentioned that they will go to her boyfriend and talk smack about her, to her boyfriend! She mentioned how she all found it very odd, as she wasn't having this problem before.

I asked her if her and her boyfriend broke up during the time she left on vacation to see her mother. She said, "No, of course not, I'd already had this trip planned for months. It had nothing to do with my boyfriend and he's known for weeks I'm going and had no problem with me going". She then asked me why I asked, and I bit my tongue.

I don't know anything other than hear-say. I don't know if her boyfriend was running around on her. All I know is what I heard from a mutual friend of my husbands, who knows her boyfriend.

Should I mention it to her or keep my big trap shut? There are too many scary diseases out in the world a promiscuous person can give their partner if they are not faithful. If I was being cheated on, I'd want somebody to let me know. The risk involved to one's health is great. But I don't know if he was actually cheating on her. All I know, is what I heard. That he was hanging around with a woman while his girl was off visiting her mom.

My husband say's I need to mind my own business because all I know - is nothing. Squat. It's not my business to cause problems in their relationship. They have a child together. I'm listening to him, and not saying anything. But I feel as though I'm betraying her by not mentioning it. Particularly when she tells me of these new problems she is having with strangers, women she's never met, immediately after returning home from vacation at her job.

What do you all think? Is my husband right? Mum's the word, or should I spill the beans?

Cirque

Keep your trap shut unless you personally saw this guy cheating. Relaying hearsay is known as "gossip" and does nothing but cause problems. If it is true then she will eventually figure it out.

reply to post by OrphanApology


Well that is where I am at. I just feel very guilty, but I imagine, I'd feel just as guilty if it was nothing and I opened my mouth relaying gossip that turned out to be false.

This is why solitude is a much better fit for me. I find the whole situation a nightmare and even avoided having her over for coffee the other day. What if it turns out to be true, and I didn't say anything and she says to me, "I thought you were my friend, how could you not tell me about what you heard?"

It's very disconcerting, but yeah. My husband is basically saying the same exact thing as you are. Keep my trap shut! Thanks for the advise, OrphanApology.

CdT

reply to post by elevatedone


Very fitting!

I'm actually old enough to state, I've seen REO Speed wagon live! Back in the 90's. I'm getting old!

CdT

I think is better to wait and see; if the guy is really that bad she will figure out sooner than later.

Depends also on how close friends you are. A thing like this could ruin your friendship, since most people don't want to know a truth like this, especially not from a friend. Most of my friends are like this, live the illusion and expect from their friends to maintain that illusion; I lost a friend once for telling the truth. In all my life I only had one real friend who would want to know the truth no matter what, and I could tell her everything, anytime. Too bad there aren't more people like that.
I also would want to know the truth, no matter how ugly it is; but knowing your friend, are you sure she would want the same?

Just to offer the alternative, relaying this information to her would allow her to make her own mind up about it as well as relieving you of the burden in the process. If you started out protecting her, which is fair as she is your friend, but what if she doesn't need protecting? or the protecting is counterproductive and he does turn out to be a cheating twat.

Anyway, if you were to tell her then perhaps she would have more information to bring light on the matter - maybe the mutual friend has reasons for stirring trouble that she's already considered, or maybe she's had her suspicions about her fella before but hasn't voiced them for her own reasons.

As for it being 'gossipy'... I don't really agree that it is. Repeating the hear'say to someone who isn't your friend would be gossipy, but letting her know what has been said about her lets her decide if it's pure gossip/lies/reason for concern.

Personally I think she has a right to know and if this mutual friend has told your husband, what's to say he's not told somebody else and that information is leaked back to her from other avenues, and if you are her friend then maybe it's beneficial for it to come from you for you may also pose as someone to confide in and support her should she need it.

The real problem here is that you actually do not have any first-hand information, and maybe--just maybe--the information is wrong or incomplete. But you might be able to do something. From your story it sounds like Leah's boyfriend isn't too bright. He went out in public with this other girl, was confronted about the issue ("Where's Leah?") and talked about it. So he was definitely seen with this other person, and those people who saw him are in a position to do something about it. They could talk to Leah.

I agree with the others, you don't actually know anything for sure, just lots of gossip. And gossip isn't renowned for it's accuracy. Best not spread it along.

reply to post by WhiteHat


This is a very good question. She is very wrapped up in her illusions. But then, who isn't?

Leah and I met a few years ago through my husband friend who introduced her and her boyfriend to us. This is the same mutual friend who relayed the story to us. This mutual friend is Leah's boyfriend's friend. I very much doubt he would betray Leah's boyfriend to tell her of it. Which may be why, he relayed the story to me.

She is a newer friend. I care about her. If I told her of this - it would cause her pain. I don't like to see people in pain, much less to be the cause of it. I find it hard to even be mean to strangers, people I'll never know or meet again. The situation is difficult.

CdT

reply to post by CirqueDeTruth


I'd just stay out of it. If it ever comes down to it just tell her you never saw boyfriend cheat and also don't participate in gossip. That's what I do with different subjects. Everyone knows I don't care for gossip and don't spread it if it does reach my ears. No hurt feelings. Telling her gossip even if true robs her of finding out herself, which is necessary in the healing process because there's no question at that point.

Example: The gossip is true. You tell her what you heard and she confronts boyfriend. He lies and she then distances herself from you because it's now awkward. Also, because of the nature of what you know, she has to believe him because she has no definitive proof.

Example 2: The gossip is false. You tell her what you heard and she confronts boyfriend. He states nothing is going on but she now has the seeds of doubt in the back of her mind, even though he is innocent. She now distances herself from you because it's awkward.

Example 3. Who cares what the gossip is? You don't tell her anything. Eventually it turns out to be true and she asks you why you didn't relay information. You inform her you don't gossip and since you didn't see him cheat, you didn't relay said gossip.

reply to post by OrphanApology


Having been on the receiving end of that once (years ago when I was in my 20s), I can relate and tell you what happened with me.

I had a bf that had been a real winner, I noticed that he wasn't showing up to pick me up on time for dates and such.He always had some excuse or other.This went on for about 2 weeks and one of my gfs called me one morning.She told me that another mutual gf of ours had been out the night before and seen my bf with this other girl. She just didn't have the heart to tell me about it.She told my other gf instead and that one I had been friends with for years and years and she knew me well.She told her "knowing Dimi,I know that she would want to know about this and not be played for a fool, I don't care how much she cries about it I'm letting her know". And she did. She asked if I was ok and I told her "oh I'm fine, the question is how well is my bf going to be"?

I got dressed and headed out the door, my father stopped and asked me where I was going, so I told him I was going to kick my EX-bfs rear end off. He told me to get in the car and he would take me there. I walked in where he was living at the time and threw him all over the room and told him I would get the money back he owed me by selling his bike he had abandoned in my back yard.He tried to make some feeble threat and I tossed him around a bit more,then left.Went back home and sold the bike.He came crawling back about 9 months later wanting to be forgiven and taken back, I told him NO, take a long walk off a short pier little boy.

So I guess the moral to the story is this, should you tell your gf? It depends, I know your hubby wants you to stay out of it.But what man doesn't? They wouldn't want your gfs telling on them if they saw any hanky panky either.Just saying. What you need to base your decision on is how well you know your gf and really think about if she would want you to be the one to tell her all this or not.That should pretty well make up your mind for you. Good luck.

Just go to the source a boldly ask? Ease your conscience ! If she is your friend do the leg work just saying..

"You can close your eyes to things you don't
want to see but you cant close your heart to
the things you don't want to feel."
- Unknown

reply to post by CirqueDeTruth


If it makes you feel any better, I saw them in the 80's, the extremely early 80's

Thanks to everyone for the replies and advice.

I've a lot to think about and meditate on with this issue. Everyone has good points from differing points of view and it helps me adjust my thinking and reaction to said matter.

I think, ultimately, opening my mouth will cause pain, division, and I just don't know if I can handle the situation correctly. Best to withdraw and let them be. Let it be.

Thanks again.

CdT

I would tell her.
I look at it this way whether he is cheating on her or it`s just a rumor, either way she has a right to know so that she can confront the guy that might be cheating on her or confront the guy that`s spreading rumors.

If your boyfriend or friend saw them touchy feeling in person, and their sensory perception is not questionable, nor their honesty. And if they said the boyfriend of your friend said they were broken up, you should tell your friend exactly this scenario...If it is your really good friend. Or maybe you should confront her boyfriend before hand and tell him what you heard about him, tell him your encounter and biting your tongue with your friend, and tell him your morals and friendship is urging you to tell her, and ask him what he thinks you ought to do, what he was thinking, and if he should tell her the truth so you dont have to.

reply to post by CirqueDeTruth


After reading this reply this changes things a bit. It was Leahs boyfriends friend who made these claims. That means either he was telling the exact truth, and some reason felt the need to tell you. Or he is making it up and wants to cause problems between his friend and his friends girlfriend (which may have multiple motivations for doing so).

CirqueDeTruth
Thanks to everyone for the replies and advice.

I've a lot to think about and meditate on with this issue. Everyone has good points from differing points of view and it helps me adjust my thinking and reaction to said matter.

I think, ultimately, opening my mouth will cause pain, division, and I just don't know if I can handle the situation correctly. Best to withdraw and let them be. Let it be.

Thanks again.

CdT

although I respect your opinion I MUST pose a question "wear the other shoe"?

what is the old saying s[he] who talks knows nothing .
s[he] who knows nothing does not talk .

better to act like a pure muppet sometimes and play the well i never card on this one