reply to post by Hefficide
My life experience has been in the valley... the whole time. There have been a couple of hills here and there in the depth of the valley, but I've
never had a peak day.
So actually, every day that I had that could have been considered a peak day or time was always full of good and bad.
I do not relate to your "wow, things are always so good" and then "wow, things are just really bad."
I relate to, "Things suck. Oh, this is pretty cool... but don't get your hopes up, because things still suck."
There have been miracles in my life, but so far I've only been punished on their account, by people.
I don't know how I would respond if I had an excellent day. I think I would brace myself heavily for the next day, for I know no such thing -
But I have noticed that this is how peoples' lives generally happen. I was just saying to my wife yesterday, "You and my dad alike in that you both
had the carpet pulled out from under you when you grew up. I never knew that carpet. I imagine that sucks though." And she said, "It probably
sucks both ways."
I said, "You know, I have noticed that a lot of people who start out their lives in relative happiness end up not quite as happy for a long while
afterward, if not until the end of their lives. I have also noticed that some people start out bad, end up good, get bad, then get good. And so
"But I haven't had that good. So my only hope right now is that the pattern exists, and my life will improve greatly in the near future. It has
And the greater irony is that I actually love life.
I have begged for death before, don't get me wrong. Many times. But that is because of pain, not life. I love life. I am crazy in love with life
and with people. And I've been on the valley for long enough that I see others in the valley and try to boost them into the crest, because, though
they say misery loves company, not this one. I desperately wait for something to pull me up; I do not wait to drag others down.
But I am well aware that many will see this as a perception issue. "People are suffering everywhere. Everyone suffers. Everyone's grandma dies.
-not an idiot-.
But anyone who will see this as a perception problem, their answer for you Hefficide might be this: "It's all in how you perceive things. If you
think something is good, it's good. If you think something is bad, it's bad. Today, you thought things were good and bad."
And I ascribe to that theory, but not in general, or as a rule; but rather as an application. For example, if my computer decides to start eating
banana peels and using the fruit as ammunition, I will think to myself, "I'm not supposed to be on the computer then. I will find what I need to
do. When I am done, I will come back and it will work or I will fix it." The funny thing is, a lot of the time, I'll come back to the situation
and it will be okay. Sometimes, the wound is too large for it to scab over, in which case, there by my next mission.
Or, for example, if someone is driving very slowly in front of me, I've almost always thought to myself, "Thanks for preventing me from being
wherever I shouldn't be. Enjoy your self-made Sunday."
People will honk and beep and whine... and I will smile.
Most people will say, "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!" And you know what, I do that quite often, too; don't get me wrong. There are some things
that I just cannot seem to logically come up with a chain of possibilities that would justify my suffering. A lot of the time I can. And even
sometimes, when I am able to come up with a few possibilities as to why, those possibilities seem too good to be true to me, so I will reject them for
fear of having false hope. So there I will suffer more seeming that the evil only leads to more evil, and it is for the sake of pain alone.
Creating music for me is like breathing oxygen. I literally feel like I'm dying, literally, if I do not create music. Mold, Fashion, however you
want to see (or hear) it. I am torn inside out without it. I want to throw things through walls because of how much life seems so hurtful and
painful without music to me. I can live without bread. I cannot live without music. I can hold my breathe for longer than I can be content in my
mind without imagining music. When I try to shut off the music inside my mind in order to try to internally verbalize my thoughts so as to perform
logic, I end up performing slower logic a lot of the time, unless the problem is of a mathematical nature. If the problem is not mathematical in
nature, I have to let the music play, even if it seems to interfere with my contemplation process; because in actually doesn't interfere. It allows
my inner mind to work out things which cannot be worked out by the extremely slow process of internal verbalization. Answers come to me when I am in
my imagination, entertaining something that seems completely irrelevant, but always reveals itself to be the answer itself.
But it's always only a step. I haven't yet arrived at the door. It's not just another step.
That peak day to me is somewhere on top of Olympus Mons, and there is a great stairway, and some stairs I can barely reach with my fingertips if I
jump has high as I can, if I break away some of the stone slowly over time and build myself a leverage step so as to climb up onto the next one.
And there are so many steps. There are millions, most my height, requiring my full strength.
The answer is in between the questions. The answer is a given. The question speaks for itself.
To make you ask.
To make you ask until you ask the right question.
And then when you ask the right question, then you also have found the right answer.
This is science. Science of today is so extremely slow. Not only are things internally verbalized, but then they are externally communicated more
poorly than they were internally discerned. And then it is communicated to everyone else and processing the information inwards is even more slow for
most. And then translating the information to one's own understanding takes even more time. And then for everyone to get together and to believe
they are on the same page, when they are not, and to try to put something together regarding this supposed science; it all seems to fit on paper, but
the internal structure of the science has very little integrity.
But this is science. Why this? Why that? What this? Why that?
Because these are steps that lead you to the final question. And once you ask that question, then you will finally have access to the answer that
will set you free.
It is good that we start young and seek that answer so that we might arrive to it before we lose our energy. But if we find it late, we found it
nevertheless, and life was never in vain.
So the carpet in your lives was someone else's understanding shielding you. Once it got pulled, you had to ask why on the way down, and then
eventually, hopefully, on the way back up.
But if you start without it, you are then asking why on the way up.
Even when you receive the answer that sets you free, you are not done asking. But you're done asking for the purpose of being obligated to keep
asking. You're now free to ask -when- you please. You're free to ask -how-. And you're free to enjoy and share as you will.