It's bugging me

Tuesday morning I went into an apartment after someone committed suicide with a shotgun.
The guy completely blew his head off/up.

We assessed what was needed for a cleaning of the place, which ended up being a complete gutting of the floor, paint scraped off the walls, off the ceiling, and then called a bio hazard team to come in and clean it up. I won't gross you out with the details that are embedded in my mind.
He had already been removed when we went in.

What bugs me most is that I saw this guy 2 weeks before hand pacing in a big circle out back of the apartment complex, and he looked really mad/upset. I had to watch him as we had a complaint about this guy being "weird" in the back where the playground was with kids playing on it. So I had to go out back and observe him. I didn't question him, just watched. I knew something was off, but he was not being a danger to the kids, kept his distance and a few days later when I inquired, I found that he was agoraphobic and this was something he would do to work off the anxiety. Pacing in a large circle over and over out back, but no one had seen him doing it for a while.

I knew something was off, but I didn't know what. I should of stopped him and asked him if he was ok, but I didn't as he wasn't doing anything wrong.

After talking with a few people, I found that he had been talking to a resident, but she quit answering her door because all he would do is complain about his mother and brother and vent to her, so she stopped answering her door.

I have been agoraphobic before. It is an awful feeling. I spent several years barricaded in my home because I could not handle the outside world. Stepping outside my door was like putting a gun to my head. The feeling of anxiety was so strong that I would just go back in, and shut everyone out. I know what that is like. I know the guilt that comes with it as well. It is a vicious cycle of guilt for not being able to cope with the outside world, and anger for being trapped within your own hell inside, and it keeps building until either you die, or you get help.

During that time very few people get your trust. Very few people are let into your home, and when you do find someone you trust, everything will come out of you in an overwhelming pouring of feelings and soul that will overtake the one you are venting to, and they will usually pull away, unable to handle the intensity of what you are feeling and pouring out to them in a hidden cry for help.

It adds to the cycle of guilt, and then anger as it builds up and beats you down, over and over again.

I know what this man went through. Upon entering his apartment, and seeing how he lived, how his family that was there lived, I recognized it right away as something I had experienced before, and never will allow myself to feel again. It brought back a lot of mixed emotions. This could have been me, it was where I was headed before I got forced into getting some help. It has been many years since I was like that, and I will never forget that time, because to forget it, would be to open myself back up to it, and this was a good reminder of where I have been.

But yet, I feel so bad over this persons death. Knowing his family was there when he did it, knowing I saw him a few weeks before and saw the troubled look on his face, hearing how people turned him away, and knowing from personal experience that the people he spoke to were his only link to this lifetime, the only things that kept him alive.

Don't turn your back on someone who needs a shoulder, because you might be the only shoulder they have.
If you are agoraphobic and need someone to talk to, I know what it is like, I have been there, and after seeing what happened to this one man, I want you to know, I am there for you, because I was not there for him, even when I saw he was troubled, I did nothing, did not approach, and just observed, and maybe had I gone up to him and offered a shoulder, he might still be here.

It is not as easy as "Just go outside" I wish people understood that, I understand that.

I don't even know what I am trying to say, maybe it is to vent some of my own guilt, maybe it is to just rant, and get it off my chest, maybe it is to cry a little bit because I have not yet and after seeing something as awful as this, I am not heartless, although I have to act that way sometimes, I just need to let it out.

WTF bro! I could of been there for you if I had gone on my impulse to talk to you, and I am sorry I didn't.

If you see someone who looks like they need a shoulder, or someone to talk to, for Christ sake, open your mouth next time, I know I didn't, and I feel terrible for it.

That is such a tragic story. You have taken something from it to share though, giving him the voice he didn't have. Anxiety and depression are rampant as well. I meet people all the time (outside of work) who have problems, and I assume they are put in my path for a reason so always rise to the occation.

If they find someone to reach out to who feels safe to them they may return to that person as you described with the woman who stopped answering her door. I'm sure she wouldn't have done so had she realized how special she truly was - assigned that mans healer whether she liked it or not. I believe its a lack of understanding coupled with the sheer exhaustion of working with others who don't even understand why they do what they do.

Don't let guilt get the best of you. Keep telling the story so others will be mindful of it. Maybe you could start a support group. I'm not sure what that would look like - how would you get people there - how would you make it feel safe; how would you help them get past the built up anxiety and fears, and onto a path of healing? If you have struggled with this you would be the perfect person to lead such a thing. Even if you began it online to slowly draw people out.

I worked at a group home for people with mental issues a few years ago, and I listened to a lot of interesting things... As you can imagine, a group home for mentally ill and forgotten elderly can be a pretty intense place to work, especially for me, because I had my own confusing and frustrating issues to get over.
I do agree that people need conversation, they need compassion, they need positive stimulation, a reason for being. And that is what healthy relationships offer.
I feel bad for the guy, and I'm sure you know, you are not responsible for his actions. Sure, you had opportunities to share your experiences with him, and perhaps it would have helped. Perhaps his new experience of yours might help someone in the future.
It is unfortunate that there are so many people lost and broken and aching for simple human compassion. I will try to talk to people as often as I can as you have suggested. The thing is, it is also good for those of us who are healthy mentally to help those who are not. It brings grace, meaning, and peace.

Oh man...what a terrible thing! Please don't beat yourself up though. There is no way you could have known he would do this....or even if you would have approached him, he may have done the same thing. You are correct though....people need to reach out to each other more. But you, my new friend, have a good heart, that is clear....and you have to let it go now. I do understand how you feel, but you did nothing to cause this. I hope you feel better soon, and don't let it eat you up. You did nothing wrong, as you did not know what was going to happen....((((((((((hugs))))))))))) Kat

reply to post by Darkblade71


DONT beat yourself up. Suicide is such a sad thing, to wonder what drives someone to want to exit this world. EVERYTHING is temporary. Even this life. I wish people understood that. Whatever was plaguing this man's soul was temporary. Eventually, whatever was so bad would not seem so bad and his life would go until the next bad thing. I have been in the depths of despair. When I was there, the ONLY thing that kept me on this planet was my daughter. I could not leave her in this world alone. I needed her as much as she needed me and she pulled me through my dark days.

I have since started living my life day by day and following one simple idea each and every day...

IF it is in my control I change it. If it is not, I accept it.

I started counting the blessings in my life instead of the heartaches. I found blessings in some unusual places.

I didnt do this on my own. I went to therapy for a few years. I was lucky. I found help and regained my life and now have an almost sick positive attitude.

Your words may have helped this man temporarily but I do not think they would have prevented his suicide unless you were able to get him to professional help.

I will pray for him and his family and you as well. You sound like a good person with a great heart. Hugs, I cannot imagine how hard that scene was for you.

You may want to talk to someone yourself, guilt can take you to the edge if you allow it.

Stay strong and know this man was sick. He needed help that probably no man without a PHD in psychology could give.

HUGS

It's a sad story indeed darkblade. You know the chances are that this guy would have done it anyway, Even if you had talked to him. Some people just bottle things up, And what ever you say to them they will do things like this anyway. Death seems to follow me around. I had a girl friend die in my arms after a crash. A good friend of mine who was a great laugh and showed no signs whatsoever of being depressed or upset throw himself under a passing train. I thought the same as you did, The i should have asked him if he was ok etc.. But there are no answers. Jeez i even found a guy hanging from a tree when i was out walking my dogs!. It's sad and upsetting, But you have got to move on. You are a great guy. And no one knows whats around the corner. Im sorry you had to go through this my friend, We are here for you

Thanks everyone

I know it wasn't anything I could probably change, but it sure did hit me a lot harder than I thought something like this would. I'll get over it, probably quickly too, but I had to let it out. It has been eating at me for almost a week, and I just needed the rant. Thanks for the support and the shoulder

It helps

reply to post by Dianec


That was one of the problems with being agoraphobic, making it to my appointments. It took me years and several tries until I gave up. Then, it took a drastic change to get me to go with no choice left other than death or get better, at which time I got mad at the illness and finally had the breakthrough I needed to get better.

reply to post by k21968

I started counting the blessings in my life instead of the heartaches. I found blessings in some unusual places. I didnt do this on my own. I went to therapy for a few years. I was lucky. I found help and regained my life and now have an almost sick positive attitude.

I had this long post to answer you and I somehow deleted it! Grrrrrrr!

I have the same attitude much of the time, almost like going through a second childhood that I refuse to grow out of.
Thanks for reminding me of that!

Once you have been so low in your life, nothing ever seems as bad as it once was.
I promise I won't let the guilt eat away at me, as that is why I am posting this here, to get rid of these feelings as best I can so I can move on ASAP.

reply to post by TheDoctor46


Thanks Doc! I know you are there for me, and have been on the coffee thread many times without even knowing it, all of you have
I am so sorry about you girl friend and buddy! Death is something I don't deal with often, although in the job I have now, it seems to be an unintended part of it, as there have been 3 deaths within a year and half while working here,after years of not having to deal with hardly anything along these lines. who would think being a care taker would be full of such things? I didn't.
I'm there for you too man,
you know that!
c(_)

Originally posted by StealthyKat
Oh man...what a terrible thing! Please don't beat yourself up though. There is no way you could have known he would do this....or even if you would have approached him, he may have done the same thing. You are correct though....people need to reach out to each other more. But you, my new friend, have a good heart, that is clear....and you have to let it go now. I do understand how you feel, but you did nothing to cause this. I hope you feel better soon, and don't let it eat you up. You did nothing wrong, as you did not know what was going to happen....((((((((((hugs))))))))))) Kat

Thanks Kat

I'm trying not to beat myself up over it although I have caught myself trying.
I agree, people need to reach out to each other more.
A good lesson for me.

I'm sure I will feel better, it just has to wear off, and it will.
That is what this is all about.

((((Kat))))

reply to post by Darkblade71


It will get better with time.........it's just a shock for you, and understandably so. We all wonder "what if" when things of this nature happen. That's normal. Feel better soon hon, and sleep well tonight....just the fact that you CARE about this shows you are a man with a good heart.

Darkblade, as with any suicide there are people who will wish they would have known or said or did something to save the person. In some cases they may have been saved and in others the person would have taken his/her life anyway. We just don't know.

I'm sorry you had to experience this. You have a good heart and your light shines.

reply to post by Night Star


I know.
It just bugs me.
Thank you for the kind words