posted on Sep, 8 2013 @ 02:27 PM
Tuesday morning I went into an apartment after someone committed suicide with a shotgun.
The guy completely blew his head off/up.
We assessed what was needed for a cleaning of the place, which ended up being a complete gutting of the floor, paint scraped off the walls, off the
ceiling, and then called a bio hazard team to come in and clean it up. I won't gross you out with the details that are embedded in my mind.
He had already been removed when we went in.
What bugs me most is that I saw this guy 2 weeks before hand pacing in a big circle out back of the apartment complex, and he looked really mad/upset.
I had to watch him as we had a complaint about this guy being "weird" in the back where the playground was with kids playing on it. So I had to go
out back and observe him. I didn't question him, just watched. I knew something was off, but he was not being a danger to the kids, kept his distance
and a few days later when I inquired, I found that he was agoraphobic and this was something he would do to work off the anxiety. Pacing in a large
circle over and over out back, but no one had seen him doing it for a while.
I knew something was off, but I didn't know what. I should of stopped him and asked him if he was ok, but I didn't as he wasn't doing anything
After talking with a few people, I found that he had been talking to a resident, but she quit answering her door because all he would do is complain
about his mother and brother and vent to her, so she stopped answering her door.
I have been agoraphobic before. It is an awful feeling. I spent several years barricaded in my home because I could not handle the outside world.
Stepping outside my door was like putting a gun to my head. The feeling of anxiety was so strong that I would just go back in, and shut everyone out.
I know what that is like. I know the guilt that comes with it as well. It is a vicious cycle of guilt for not being able to cope with the outside
world, and anger for being trapped within your own hell inside, and it keeps building until either you die, or you get help.
During that time very few people get your trust. Very few people are let into your home, and when you do find someone you trust, everything will come
out of you in an overwhelming pouring of feelings and soul that will overtake the one you are venting to, and they will usually pull away, unable to
handle the intensity of what you are feeling and pouring out to them in a hidden cry for help.
It adds to the cycle of guilt, and then anger as it builds up and beats you down, over and over again.
I know what this man went through. Upon entering his apartment, and seeing how he lived, how his family that was there lived, I recognized it right
away as something I had experienced before, and never will allow myself to feel again. It brought back a lot of mixed emotions. This could have been
me, it was where I was headed before I got forced into getting some help. It has been many years since I was like that, and I will never forget that
time, because to forget it, would be to open myself back up to it, and this was a good reminder of where I have been.
But yet, I feel so bad over this persons death. Knowing his family was there when he did it, knowing I saw him a few weeks before and saw the troubled
look on his face, hearing how people turned him away, and knowing from personal experience that the people he spoke to were his only link to this
lifetime, the only things that kept him alive.
Don't turn your back on someone who needs a shoulder, because you might be the only shoulder they have.
If you are agoraphobic and need someone to talk to, I know what it is like, I have been there, and after seeing what happened to this one man, I want
you to know, I am there for you, because I was not there for him, even when I saw he was troubled, I did nothing, did not approach, and just observed,
and maybe had I gone up to him and offered a shoulder, he might still be here.
It is not as easy as "Just go outside" I wish people understood that, I understand that.
I don't even know what I am trying to say, maybe it is to vent some of my own guilt, maybe it is to just rant, and get it off my chest, maybe it is
to cry a little bit because I have not yet and after seeing something as awful as this, I am not heartless, although I have to act that way sometimes,
I just need to let it out.
WTF bro! I could of been there for you if I had gone on my impulse to talk to you, and I am sorry I didn't.
If you see someone who looks like they need a shoulder, or someone to talk to, for Christ sake, open your mouth next time, I know I didn't, and I
feel terrible for it.