15 Y/O Daughter Lost Virginity to Boyfriend Then He Broke Up With Her

Originally posted by Hollie
That's creepy I would never talk to my dad about sex. Ewww bleah ugggh.

I certainly understand, but I try to be a 'different' kind of dad. My daughter's friends also feel comfortable talking to me about things they can't tell their own parents. I find it is important to not judge and sometimes just to listen. I would rather have a 'say' in life's important decisions/events and you can't do that if they can't talk to you.

Just my opinion.

Originally posted by Metallicus
reply to post by ProfessorChaos

 

You are very correct that I should tell my wife. I have been married over 22 years and I have always felt relationships are only successful where communication, honesty and respect are paramount. However, in this case I could be betraying my daughter's trust which would prevent her from being honest if something else comes up that she is reticent to tell me. Anyway, it is one of those things where I must choose the lesser of two evils.

Thank you for pointing this out to me!

You force me to raise another point. By keeping this from your wife, is that not also a bit of a betrayal of trust?

I know that this isn't my concern, but I'm on my third wife; believe me, they hold on to things like this for ammunition later.

Just remember, You'll always be "Daddy", but there's no guarantee that you'll always be "Honey".

reply to post by cody599


Thank you, Cody.

I totally agree with you. Sometimes the logic and theory of something doesn't quite compensate for the emotions you feel when things actually occur.

I know it is going to make her stronger. Dad, just has to recover.

Metallicus

Originally posted by Hollie
That's creepy I would never talk to my dad about sex. Ewww bleah ugggh.

I certainly understand, but I try to be a 'different' kind of dad. My daughter's friends also feel comfortable talking to me about things they can't tell their own parents. I find it is important to not judge and sometimes just to listen. I would rather have a 'say' in life's important decisions/events and you can't do that if they can't talk to you.

Just my opinion.

Understood.

Originally posted by Metallicus
reply to post by cody599

 

Thank you, Cody.

I totally agree with you. Sometimes the logic and theory of something doesn't quite compensate for the emotions you feel when things actually occur.

I know it is going to make her stronger. Dad, just has to recover.

Be strong and love her.................be there .............and always be ready for the surprise hug from behind ............................... but don't be afraid to cry when she says ............" I love you Dad"

Cody

reply to post by Metallicus


this is one of those horrible parts of being a parent but a great learning experience for your daughter...and that's what it comes down to...you can assume you are doing everything correctly but teens have a mind and hormones that govern their bodies and regardless what we tell them they are going to do things on their own...at a minimum just enforce protection as this is going to happen a few more times as they mature...

She can still be your Angel...this is a minor drop in the bucket for what is to come...I can only get sickened by what my kids may do growing up as I had done some god awful things...and my parents were pretty upfront and strict with expectations.

Originally posted by ProfessorChaos
reply to post by Metallicus

 

I'm going to say just one thing here, and that is: You need to tell your wife.

Parents are supposed to be united in the way that they deal with their children and with their children's problems.

Besides, she's her daughter too, and maybe between the two of you, you can find a way to cope with this properly.

You may not think so, but your daughter will get over you discussing this with her mother, your wife on the other hand, may not be too thrilled with you not telling her something this important.

Other than that, I got nothing. Good luck!

I'm wondering if you are a woman or a man? Why would he tell his wife the daughter instilled her trust in him? She was good enough to trust the dad with this information and he is going to go behind her back and tell the mom? Maybe the daughter doesn't want the mom to know... He's at least doing something right... Telling him to break that trust is not the way to go.

Originally posted by boncho

Originally posted by ProfessorChaos
reply to post by Metallicus

 

I'm going to say just one thing here, and that is: You need to tell your wife.

Parents are supposed to be united in the way that they deal with their children and with their children's problems.

Besides, she's her daughter too, and maybe between the two of you, you can find a way to cope with this properly.

You may not think so, but your daughter will get over you discussing this with her mother, your wife on the other hand, may not be too thrilled with you not telling her something this important.

Other than that, I got nothing. Good luck!

I'm wondering if you are a woman or a man?

Why would he tell his wife the daughter instilled her trust in him?

She was good enough to trust the dad with this information and he is going to go behind her back and tell the mom?

Maybe the daughter doesn't want the mom to know...

He's at least doing something right... Telling him to break that trust is not the way to go.

I'm a man. The trust in a marriage should trump all others. Your children will grow up and leave, but your spouse is supposed to be the person you share your entire life with. Expecting him to not tell his wife is simply playing one off of the other. I would also guess that Mom may not take the loss of virginity as easily as Dad did (though he's obviously struggling with it), and Daughter wants to avoid Mom's wrath at all costs.

As an aside, kids lie to their parents on the daily, the few things that they do share are ones that they feel are too big for them to handle on their own (generally); the other stuff, they lie through their teeth about; I have a 19 year old, a 14 year old and a 9 month old. They confide in me all the time, but if the matter is an important one, I will tell their mother regardless of what they want.

As a parent you should always expect your children to be sexually active in high-school no matter how proper they were raised. Kids are both easy to fool and curious about their natural desires. But, she sounds like an awesome daughter to be honest. She got used but at the same time I think society focuses way too much on the value of a virginity than it should. What is done is done but at least she isn't knocked up which is the bright side to this story.

She still talks to you about her life and stuff, so be proud and embrace the fact that she is such a sweet kid. It's not the end of the world and I'm sure it'll be a long time before she ever decides to have sex again because of this. It's a shame though because now her trust with guys has been broken because of one douche.

The only thing that I would be concerned about at this point is if he took pictures or videos and if he did, you could always charge him for creating child pornography if you can manage to confiscate all of his possible backups. You never know, kids tend to blackmail each other all the time, even upload things to the net without permission. That's my only concern for your daughter at this point.

In the end, just remember your daughter is able to do things that I was unable to do at that age, and that's to be honest with my parents. You have a good kid and you should be proud.

Originally posted by Metallicus
reply to post by ProfessorChaos

 

You are very correct that I should tell my wife. I have been married over 22 years and I have always felt relationships are only successful where communication, honesty and respect are paramount. However, in this case I could be betraying my daughter's trust which would prevent her from being honest if something else comes up that she is reticent to tell me. Anyway, it is one of those things where I must choose the lesser of two evils.

Thank you for pointing this out to me!

I wish I had a husband when I was in your shoes! Be very careful! You speak of trust with your daughter but where is the trust with your wife-please try and wear the other shoe.

Giving your children privacy - best friend scenario does not work it all actually it causes rifts and backlash.

As for your daughter make sure she knows she is loved and a boat load of compassion (mom-dad).

Fyi... I lost my daughter at the age of 15 from a broken heart and than she tested drugs when she felt bad.

So from a woman to a man bring in the other half and tread lightly..

Trinity

reply to post by Metallicus


When my daughter was 15 I caught her "making out" with her boyfriend in her bedroom. I was so very upset, because I trusted them. I let him go into her bedroom because she has an x-box, and they spent most of their time together playing vid games. I confronted them and she told me they they have already had sex. I felt like a fool. I immediately took her to a Adolescent Health Center. They checked to see if she was pregnant, and put her on birth control. The birth control bothered me for a while, because I knew that she was going to take this as my giving her permission to have sex. My oldest daughter had a child at 15. Anyway it has been 3 years now. I am proud to say that my daughter respects herself, is with the same boy, and will be graduating High School this year. I could not stop her from having sex, but I could certainly stop her from destroying all the plans that she has made for her life.

Originally posted by ProfessorChaos
reply to post by Metallicus

 

I'm going to say just one thing here, and that is: You need to tell your wife.

Parents are supposed to be united in the way that they deal with their children and with their children's problems.

Besides, she's her daughter too, and maybe between the two of you, you can find a way to cope with this properly.

You may not think so, but your daughter will get over you discussing this with her mother, your wife on the other hand, may not be too thrilled with you not telling her something this important.

Other than that, I got nothing. Good luck!

At the very least you should insist that your Daughter discuss it with your wife...

As a mother, I have some advice....Do Not be the one to tell your wife! I would, instead, encourage your daughter to talk to her mom/your wife. Give her the time to figure out the best timing and way to do it, but do not betray her trust at this point.

You have something special here (her trust) and how you handle this whole "Don't tell Mom" thing will determine your relationship in the future.

Don't get me wrong, I believe your wife needs to know, and you may have to convince her that it's important for someone to keep the lines of communication open with your daughter. It is important to keep your relationship strong. But, I would insist your daughter do the telling. Tread gently.

reply to post by Metallicus


You should be proud for having a daughter who can come to you and talk so openly. As long as you don' t start judging her, she will always feel she can talk to you.

A condom is not the best choice for birth control, it might help with STDs .
If she is going to be engaging in sexual activities, I would advise you both to explore other methods of birth control. A doctor can advise with this.

She is far too young to be in a serious committed relationship, as was this boy.

reply to post by trinityalways


Sometimes my daughter also tells me things that she feels I should keep to myself and not tell her mom. I agree when it is for light subjects.
But when it becomes heavier, I tell her I can't keep it to myself, and it so happens at times that her mom knows EXACTLY what needed to be done or said to help our daughter.

Also, WHEN your wife learns about it, you're dead meat, figuratively speaking, of course... lol Your daughter lived something important, I don't think your wife should be kept in the dark about it.

I know I wouldn't like that.

Originally posted by Metallicus

Originally posted by deadeyedick
reply to post by Metallicus

 

grandpa metallicus

You sir, are not funny...well, maybe a little.

just keep making lemonade brother

reply to post by Metallicus


The worst thing you can do is to deny and forbid your daughter to do things. That will only push her right into the arms of whatever you are forbidding her.

The guy is a douchebag teenage boy only thinking about sex atm. I have been there myself. I think most guys have.

Only thing you can do is realise your daughter is growing up and she is going to make her own mistakes and learn from them. Be thankful VERY VERY thankful that she actually talks to you about these things and the fact that she respects you enough to listen to your advice and used the condoms you gave her.

You did not make it easy for her, you made it safe for her to learn from her own mistakes. There will be more like this. And you will need to be there for her to support her and comfort her.


Oh and as others are saying here. DO NOT tell your wife, BEFORE you have given your daughter a chance to tell her. See if you can convince your daughter that the right thing here, is to go talk to her mother about this. Because if not, you will have to do it at some point soon, she is your wife after all. Trust and unity between parents, is not only important for their relashionship. But the lack of it is a very wrong signal to send your daughter.

It's difficult for parents, especially the Father's of Daughters to think of their "babies" as sexual beings, even if we understand it intellectually, and understandably painful if your child get's hurt emotionally, and it's great she feels she can talk to you...

I think you may want to reconsider not telling your wife, even if you promised in the "shock" of the moment. I think more then the lesson of how having sex with the wrong partner can be painful, the bigger lesson, IMHO, is that people in relationships need to trust each other and communicate their needs and expectations. Your Daughter and her BF weren't on the same page, and I'm guessing your Daughter believed being sexual with her BF would strengthen their "Love" / relationship, not be the beginning of the end of it and she probably feels betrayed and confused.

I understand you don't want to break a promise to your daughter, but going back to her and saying something like " Sweetheart, after thinking about this I have decided that I need to honor my wife and your mother by telling her the truth, we both Love you and I know she would feel hurt and betrayed if we kept this from her " or something like that, whatever works for you and your family. Take this opportunity to show her how healthy relationships work...a very valuable lesson for her to learn, and she will respect you in the long run for respecting her mother, rather then the lesson that it's ok to deceive your partner, the way her's betrayed her....

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies to my situation. We have a wonderful community here at ATS.

I am encouraging my daughter to talk to my wife about what happened. I think my wife will be surprised, but will have a better reaction to this than my daughter expects.

In a way it is a relief that my daughter had this experience. At least I know she handled it in a safe way and she will be wiser the next time.

You didn't fail her in anyway, you did everything right. She didn't really fail you either, she's a kid and at the most made a dumb mistake. This is a learning experience she won't forget and at the end of the day she was responsible about the thing. Be proud that you've raised a responsible daughter and that you have the kind of relationship where she feels she can tell you anything even if it breaks your heart.

You need to tell your wife man. You need to tell your daughter first that your going to, and explain why it's necessary. I completely understand that you don't want to betray your daughter's trust, and find it admirable, but in saying nothing you are betraying another trust.

I don't have kids and have no idea what this must feel like, but in the grand scheme of things this is a very normal problem and it could be a LOT worse. I think we put way too much emphasis on virginity. Really nothing about her has changed just because she had sex. It's like turning 18. Still the same person you just get to buy lotto tickets.