I need tough love and advice

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posted on Aug, 26 2013 @ 06:51 PM
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I've been mia on here for a couple of months. It has been a crazy summer but I have missed you all.

Now on to the part where I need you. Please I need advice.

My only child (daughter) turned 18 and left for college in the span of a week. This momma is having a hard time letting go. I am driving her nuts with my text messages and as hard as I try not to pry into her life I find myself doing it anyway. I need to stop. I know this.

A little backstory...

When she was 4 she fell 26 ft out of a 2 story bedroom window onto concrete. Before you call me a bad mom, we had just moved into a duplex on Ft Lewis Washington, she misbehaved so I sent her to her room to unpack her toys. (she was 4..so it was appropriate for her to put her toys away). We did not have air conditioning. The windows were open, the screens were in. For some reason she climbed up (moved a box to stand on) and stood in the window, leaned on the screen and fell face first onto the concrete below. I heard her screams and found her outside and rushed her to the hospital where she had a head to toe cat scan (no permanent damage, we were lucky!) and got her front teeth knocked out and her lip stitched up. We were sent home but not before the trauma doc told us that she was a very lucky kid. The worst injury she had was her intestines were bruised and sluggish...it took her 3 years of laxatives to get straightened out.

Since then I have watched her EVERY move as much as possible to prevent a needless tragedy because I dont think you get lucky twice. I went to counseling for 5 yrs for this. The shrink told me I couldnt blame myself because I didnt cause it. I still felt the need to protect her as much as she would let me.

She is a very smart, very independent, very strong willed kid. She bucked my constant intrusion even at a young age and I seriously backed off.

Flash forward...she left for college. I am terrified. I cry all the time. I worry like crazy. I drive her nuts with questions about her asthma and daily routine. I remind her to take her meds and watch out for the traffic in front of her dorm (it is crazy!!) and another student was hit by a car there just this weekend!! And no I didnt even check the windows in her dorm. LOL


NO I dont want her home with me. I am glad she is at college. She is where she belongs. I just need to make this leap from helicopter mom to mom of an adult. I just dont know how...(not when you picture her as a little girl in your head!!)

I know I need to back off but I am terrified. Please give me some suggestions so I dont drive her crazy and myself at the same time. She deserves her freedom, but I am so scared to give it to her. WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS and I am not there??? (what my mind says)

So there you have it...now you can let me have it..


How often should I contact her? WHen I do talk/text her how can I get a grasp of what is happening in her life without being overbearing?

Empty nest syndrome sucks. Bad.




posted on Aug, 26 2013 @ 06:56 PM
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You need a hobby Momma...

You did your job. Let her go to school.

It wont be a week until she is driving you crazy with texts.

Best of luck (although you sound pretty lucky).



posted on Aug, 26 2013 @ 07:01 PM
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reply to post by whyamIhere
 


Yes I do!! Any suggestions? I kill anything green or that grows outside...I need something to do with my time now. I trimmed hedges tonight just to kill time. I think that is the problem. I have wayyyyyy too much time on my hands now.



posted on Aug, 26 2013 @ 07:58 PM
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reply to post by k21968
 


I would suggest a hobby as well.
Perhaps you too could try finding a means to relate by going to school 'with' her:
700+ FREE Online Courses from Top Universities.

Find what coursework she's doing and follow it using the above resource.
You'll then perhaps have something to discuss that doesn't entail the nagging of helicopter mommydom.

You may even contribute to her education in discussing course topics where you might understand a concept better than she.

Granted, you'd need establish a dialog on those terms.
Until such, you may desire to distract yourself via other means. Take up reading, watching movies, break down your garden to bare soil and start over with a whole new group of flowers, and vegetables, or if you don't have a garden, look online for a local gardening group where you can go get your hands into the soil.
There's also plenty opportunities for volunteer work.
Look online for volunteer opportunities at children's hospitals, children's museums, education programs, and other such. Helping other children out will partly fulfill your Mommy itch.

I'd advise not contacting your daughter. Let her contact you, and leave it that way.
She will learn a number of things the hard way, sometimes even intentionally so.

I started University when I was 16, I survived, thrived, and had some of the most enjoyable years of my life in Academia.
Your daughter, should be fine. Let her be independent. Let her make her mistakes. She'll be better for her self discovery, and share those experiences with you if you don't smother her.
A flame needs air to thrive and burn bright. Let her be and surprise her with intellectual engagement in taking some of those online courses when next she calls. You may even share the resource all the better to give her a different perspective on materials she's covering from an alternate perspective and source, or, keep it your secret to dazzle her with super-mommy knowledge of stuff she's working hard to learn.



posted on Aug, 26 2013 @ 08:06 PM
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reply to post by k21968
 


Dear K - get busy! It sounds like you're also a nurterer/caretaker at heart. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or hospital, animal shelter - a place where people are lonely, neglected, alone. I think you will thrive and so will they. Keep your hands busy - take up knitting or crochet, maybe walk dogs. You need to find something that will keep your hands busy and tire you out so that you don't have that spinning brain going 'round and 'round. You have done your job Mom and you have done well. Kids get into mischief and your daughter's accident was simply that - an accident. So forgive yourself and start living. You can do this!! Hugs.
P.S. your daughter's love will never diminish. This is her time to blossom and explore her life. With freedom to let her live as she discovers her new world she will absolutely include you. You haven't lost anything - but she will grow and share her life with you in new ways.
edit on 26/8/13 by ccseagull because: added p.s. post



posted on Aug, 26 2013 @ 08:15 PM
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reply to post by k21968
 


This is a lousy answer, mom, but the only cure is time. After a while you'll realize that you are a human being with desires and goals that don't involve anyone else. Just remember, you were conditioned to be a mom for EIGHTEEN years. And now you will slowly learn that you are MORE.



posted on Aug, 26 2013 @ 08:18 PM
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reply to post by Druscilla
 


Great advice. I was wondering about the texting/calling her all of the time. If I suddenly stop wont she think I am upset?? Should I just say...I am here, I dont want to bother you, so please text or call when you want.?? I dont want to seem suddenly cold.



posted on Aug, 26 2013 @ 08:51 PM
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Originally posted by jiggerj
reply to post by k21968
 


This is a lousy answer, mom, but the only cure is time. After a while you'll realize that you are a human being with desires and goals that don't involve anyone else. Just remember, you were conditioned to be a mom for EIGHTEEN years. And now you will slowly learn that you are MORE.


Very lousy answer.

She is bored because women can't be pleased. She will never be satisfied no matter what she gains. Female nature is to be greedy and selfish thus she wants her daughter home. It makes the MOM feel good having control over her subject.



posted on Aug, 26 2013 @ 09:22 PM
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Originally posted by k21968
reply to post by Druscilla
 


Great advice. I was wondering about the texting/calling her all of the time. If I suddenly stop wont she think I am upset?? Should I just say...I am here, I dont want to bother you, so please text or call when you want.?? I dont want to seem suddenly cold.


If you text her every day, just leave off a day, and then text something the next day around mid-day about being distracted with doing ... something new fantastic and amazing, etc.

Don't just suddenly stop. There should be no need for the "I'm here if you need me", because she already knows that. A gradual progression of expressing and exploring independence on both of your parts would be the healthiest way to go about it.

She needs to explore independence, and after so long being a parent, you may very well need to do some exploring and expression of independence as well.
Certainly you want to continue being a part of her life, but, developmentally, she needs some space to become the adult woman daughter you'll be proud of.
While she develops, you too, as said, can develop and grow as well. Learn something new. Engage yourself with topics and interests you find fun and interesting that you can surprise your daughter with, if not also pass down to her children, as eventually, most likely, she'll have her own where then you can go back to work in a role you know and love, but as a grand parent.

There, of course, is always opportunity to continue immediate facility of a mommy role in doing volunteer work with children as mentioned previously, and regardless of how long your daughter is away, or how much of an independent adult she becomes, you'll ALWAYS be her mommy.



posted on Aug, 26 2013 @ 09:38 PM
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I'd say keep in touch in a "normal way", but don't make it about, "her", when you contact her. What I mean is, tell her about, "you", what you've been up too.

When my wife died, my mom drove me nuts, calling me every day. If I did not call my folks, my mom (not my dad "he's a retired Marine", would call me (still does) and ask me how I'm doing.

It can drive your kid to anxiety!

Just try and let her have a normal ...

Experience.

I bet she will contact you first if something cool happens.

(I called my mom today)




posted on Aug, 26 2013 @ 10:14 PM
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post removed because the user has no concept of manners

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posted on Aug, 26 2013 @ 11:01 PM
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Being a mom is not a crime. When I lived in Japan, initially I spoke to my mom every day.
Then every other day. I was 31years old. This went on into my 40s.
So what mom. It's good to be close.
18 is still a baby, however, she is at school and flexing her independence.
Once a week is good.
You should pick a day, and make it a regular chat. Like Sunday evening from 9-10.
No excuses. This way you have a handle on her state of mind, and how's she's holding up.
The first year is always chaotic.
So.....
And yes, do take up a hobby.
Something for you. Yoga. Home repairs. Fix up the house.
Plant a garden.
Take a class you're interested in... Language, crafts, a reading circle.



posted on Aug, 26 2013 @ 11:04 PM
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reply to post by Barthandelus
 


Oh goodie. An ignorant misogynistic. Just what we need



posted on Aug, 27 2013 @ 07:34 AM
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Coming from a guy with a senior in college:

If you want your kids to contact you more frequently, give them smaller amounts of money when you give them any.
its the only way the little bloodsuckers will ever reach out to you.

Seriously, once a day. Get your kids used to having a quick daily conversation with you. In the evening have a quick contact, then let them move on with whatever it is they are doing.



posted on Aug, 28 2013 @ 06:41 PM
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Originally posted by Barthandelus

Originally posted by jiggerj
reply to post by k21968
 


This is a lousy answer, mom, but the only cure is time. After a while you'll realize that you are a human being with desires and goals that don't involve anyone else. Just remember, you were conditioned to be a mom for EIGHTEEN years. And now you will slowly learn that you are MORE.


Very lousy answer.

She is bored because women can't be pleased. She will never be satisfied no matter what she gains. Female nature is to be greedy and selfish thus she wants her daughter home. It makes the MOM feel good having control over her subject.


Dude stop being a jerk!



posted on Aug, 28 2013 @ 06:58 PM
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reply to post by k21968
 


Just say that you will be doing things and have the phone with you if she needs you, that is not cold and by doing so, you give her the space she needs and probably also wants.
Letting go is never easy but we have to, just be there when you are needed



posted on Aug, 29 2013 @ 02:23 AM
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Originally posted by Barthandelus

Originally posted by jiggerj
reply to post by k21968
 


This is a lousy answer, mom, but the only cure is time. After a while you'll realize that you are a human being with desires and goals that don't involve anyone else. Just remember, you were conditioned to be a mom for EIGHTEEN years. And now you will slowly learn that you are MORE.


Very lousy answer.

She is bored because women can't be pleased. She will never be satisfied no matter what she gains. Female nature is to be greedy and selfish thus she wants her daughter home. It makes the MOM feel good having control over her subject.



You need to take it down a notch. I've seen your replies in several other threads and they all have the same theme. Seriously dude,get a grip or go elswhere.

As for the OP...don't smother her. Shes 18. She's on her own. Let her do her thing. She'll get in touch with you when she wants to.



posted on Aug, 29 2013 @ 10:58 AM
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I know exactly what you're going through, hang in there it gets better if you've raised them right.

You've got to garner strength from the fact that you did the best you could as a parent. Now it's your child's turn to show you what a good job you actually did. Let them go and you'll be amazed at their growth/maturity when they come back.

We raised our country kids out here in the middle of nowhere and from day one we prepared them for city life. We knew eventually they'd have to leave for college. Both our boys ended up in Denver and are doing exceptionally well.

What really helped me were their classmates from the nearby town who chose not to leave. Some parents were just too fearful of what might happen if their children left the protective cocoon of small town life. Those kids are still living at home with mom/dad. There's very few job opportunities and wages are low here, they have no future. They're good kids and it's sad to see them hanging around.

A few started families and that's even sadder. They have to live off assistance/public housing yet their parents seem quite content having their offspring close at hand for life. Generations have done this in our area. The smothering of their natural curiosity to go out explore/experience life seems to have retarded the development for many.

They aren't the same highly spirited kids my boys grew up with. In fact our baby was always considered shy/quite yet he took life by the reins and has a real passion/direction for life.

Both our boys are well traveled and our baby brought home a beautiful island girl. They married and she is the absolute best. They are so well suited it seems like it was meant to be.

Had I selfishly kept him close, he would've missed out on so much, how would he have resented me? I couldn't live with that. Seeing my boys hanging around like the aimless young souls around here would tear me up. Doing the right thing isn't always easy.

After I got over the tears I found my life. I enjoy my time now. I go off arrowhead hunting without kids running around distracting me or dragging me back home. Take pleasure in the fact that your child is out in the world spreading your good nature/teachings. I've never been prouder or happier for our grown children.



posted on Aug, 29 2013 @ 11:32 AM
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reply to post by k21968
 




I know I need to back off but I am terrified. Please give me some suggestions so I dont drive her crazy and myself at the same time. She deserves her freedom, but I am so scared to give it to her. WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS and I am not there???


First, you're a good mom.

You've had 18 years to show her everything she needs to survive, and now it's time...
Her real test of life, adulthood, begins now.

You cannot always be there.
If you could, you would outlive her, and you don't want that.
You must have some faith that god/the universe has bigger plans for her than an untimely death.

Now is her time to learn and grow - apart from mother's breast.


Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth


The Prophet: Children



posted on Sep, 4 2013 @ 06:22 PM
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Ok she has been gone 2 weeks so I thought I should update all of you.

First thank you all for your kind (and ONE very rude reply). Your words were read and taken to heart and I appreciate it with everything in me.

Last week (gone 1 week) she called and told me she was happy and things were going well and that seemed to have been the turning point with me. Since then, I have been okay. I miss her like crazy but I am not sitting around crying everytime I pass her bedroom door.

This week she came home for Labor day weekend, wasnt here much (spent most of it with her boyfriend and friends she hasnt seen) but it was nice having her running in and out again.


She is happy. She is where she needs to be. I could not be selfish and make her stay here. There is nothing here for her. She needed to get an education and a life away from our small town.

She texts me a couple times a day (we never had a conversation I just left it up to her) and she calls at least once a day most of the time for just a couple minutes because she is busy. Just hearing her voice and knowing she is ok makes it better for me.

This weekend she seemed to have matured about 5 years. It was crazy. She is more responsible (picking up after herself , etC) and just seems happy.

I will admit we were very strict. Probably too strict on her when she lived here. But, I am proud to say, she told me college is boring because all anyone wants to do is get drunk and she said "I am not here for that". My heart could not have heard sweeter words. I know I raised a good girl with morals and values and she is sticking to them.

She scored a C on both quizzes her first week but I told her not to freak out. She will get the hang of it.

THank you for helping me through one of the most difficult times in my life. All of you were spot on except the jerk who said I was trying to control her. I promise you that was not it. My heart really hurt not because I wanted to control her, but because I wanted to protect her.

There is a difference.

Right now I can honestly say I am happy. My dog and I have started taking walks every evening after dinner and hubby and I are reconnecting again. He misses her a lot too.

I cant say thank you enough. So
to all of yoU!!!!






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