5 myths about polyamory debunked

reply to post by Druid42

Traditional Abrahamic faiths tend to reinforce a single male/female relationship. In reality, there are many successful male/male and female/female relationships. There are also many successful male/male/female and female/female/male relationships as well, but it's not something you hear about on MSM, because it's a private lifestyle.

Yes, I agree with you. But all types of relationships have their own difficulties. Which each couple needs to strive to make perfect.

People who engage in such lifestyles know the stigma behind their living situations, and remain "in the closet". They don't "come out" and proclaim how great it is, because it is against societal norms.

Such a lifestyle DOES NOT work for those who are close minded, nor for those who are strongly attached to religious principles. In such stereotypes, it's beyond comprehension. It's almost abhorrent.

A lot of people are privet when it comes to practices and what not that is not accepted by many people. Of course if you live your life to the opinion of others then you're will never be truly happy.

I will stress that polyamorous relationships ONLY work for highly intelligent, rational individuals, those who understand the dynamics behind such a controversial lifestyle, and they are just fine with that.

I mostly agree with you here. But I believe not only rational thought, but people who are in controlled of their emotions. Where you and your partner(s) can have a healthy relationship together.

There's a lot less pettiness, a lot less conflict, and more agreement in how to proceed through life. The biggest essential in a polyamorous group is the ability to communicate, and you'll find that those involved in such lifestyles are great communicators, able to express themselves, and able to rationally respect other member's feelings.

One of the major reasons the divorce rate in the US is over 60%? The lack of the ability to properly communicate.

I agree with you that every relationship needs communication. So many couples just jump into a relationship. Hopefully the romance will save them. But it ends up falling apart. You have to know what you want and be able to work with your partner.

Originally posted by AboveBoard
reply to post by Night Star

 

Excellent point!!! As a woman who has had an aggressive breast cancer, I have to say that I am grateful that my husband stood by me for every test, every appointment, every chemo and radiation treatment. The number of all these apointments were just staggering and overwhelming. I was so exhausted from the chemo I didn't even want to get dressed, never mind go to all those apointments and treatments feeling like crap and being poked and prodded. He was there for me at every turn, for every tear and gut wrenching sadness and fear.

Well, I'm totally with you on that one! I had Hodgkin's Disease (cancer of the lymph) with six months of very aggressive chemotherapy. I was diagnosed "with something very bad" right before my wedding, and was told I might not make it through my Honeymoon!! We got the real diagnosis right after I survived the wedding/honeymoon and then started chemotherapy just a couple of weeks after we moved in together. We were very young. It was beyond grueling, and took years to recover fully from the chemo. Anyway. The following years have all been "bonus time" in my book! Not to digress from the topic too much...

I so hope you are well now, Night Star!

peace to you,
AB

So far, so good. I too hope that you are well.

reply to post by Night Star


Is that common in women. Because I wonder why you two will get that and how bad is changed your lives. Scary knowing people like my friend Luke got lung cancer even though he didn't smoke. Sad that he passed away too. Scary knowing how bad cancer is.

On the topic I have found the book: Opening up: A guide to creating and sustaining open relationships. This should help me understand polyamory more.

Originally posted by Phoenix267
reply to post by Night Star

 

Is that common in women. Because I wonder why you two will get that and how bad is changed your lives. Scary knowing people like my friend Luke got lung cancer even though he didn't smoke. Sad that he passed away too. Scary knowing how bad cancer is.

On the topic I have found the book: Opening up: A guide to creating and sustaining open relationships. This should help me understand polyamory more.

I had breast cancer that is very common for women. It didn't even run in the family. Even though the cancer is gone, you can't help but to wonder if it will return. There are plenty of women who have been cured and are still alive after 20 and 30 years, but some arn't so lucky. I try not to dwell on it. There are too many things these days that can cause cancer, smoking, the chemicals in the food you eat or the air you breathe etc. When your time is up, it's up. Though most of my fellow chemo partners were maybe in their 40's and above, we had some college age girls as well. Scary stuff indeed. You experience such a roller coaster of emotions. But...I am here and alive to tell the tale.

My first chemo appointment, I walked in and saw all these rooms with two big recliner chairs in each and two regular chairs for whoever came with you. The first couple of ladies I saw were all curled up in their chairs asleep and pale and looking like they were dying. I was like OMG! I didn't realize until later that one of the meds made you really sleepy. Then in other rooms women were laughing it up and conversing like they were having a party. So I thought, well it can't be all that bad.

I am so very sorry to hear of the loss of your friend. It is essential for people to have regular check ups because if something is going on and it is caught early, your chances of survival are much higher.

Originally posted by tothetenthpower
reply to post by MarioOnTheFly

 

Nope, I'm a man

ooops

I thought you said "my husband" in one of the posts in this thread. Obviously, I immediately concluded that you're a woman. My bad

So, you're in a gay marriage and have bisexual tendencies ?

I love this board

Hang in there.

reply to post by charles1952

Like I said to say that the op has not really thought this through is an understatement. But hey far for me to be a partypooper, he seems adamant about it. Besides its not like this is going no were were it has never been before a million times a million before, you know the kid just wants to but on a different label on it and a happy face, and to tell the truth there are many females out there who would be into it, just as there are dudes like him who are into it. So you know! Whatever. That is that.

And who knows maybe one day like Mormons and others he may want a few benefits as benefits the law for his special relationships, that and some tax breaks, or at least loopholes. But maybe really the real progress wold be when we start giving single people tax breaks and incentives. And as you likely know by now, the same things in this world and existence repeat themselves over and over, the only thing that is really different is there outlook and labels.

While I admit that I am taking a tremendous chance, facing the scorn of galadofwarthethird, and the disgust of Phoenix267, I'd like to risk another comment.

You mistake me bro, I literally do not care what anybody does, I may come of some ways online, but really its just because I care so much that this stuff may as well be a different language and come off in certain ways to see how people react. But beyond keeping things within face values for basic communication purposes and cataloging I could care less who the op sleeps with and what he calls it. In fact I am all about people doing what they want, as long as they keep the bull# on the down low. They can come up on this tread and say that there planing on marring there dog and some goats and I would be like. Oh ok! are the dog and goats ok with it?

And I will say the same thing if he came in here and wanted to have amorous affairs with a bunch of women and went on about it. I find this thing especially silly and kind of meaningless. There are many definitions of love, some people just seem to fall in love with a certain idea of falling in love and as the OP calls it having polymory relationships with many women. Its the ting now a day, were as a few years ago different wordings was used. Like I said to each there own, like that is new or has been outlawed for these past thousands of years. The op whines that he comes from a place and is a product of were this is happening all the time and he blames monogamy that he or anybody around him is not doing it or practicing or keeping to there marriage vows. Bizarre no? I mean duh, off course there not doing it when they don't want to do it in the first place, or even really capable of it.

Completely confused like I said. However its time these people started paying for there own stuff and upkeeping there own momentum and believes, even that is not there own it seems, but a product of the believes of others and society. Merely reactionary lifestyles and believes for reactionary beings. They are living the dream and constantly whine that they just have it so bad.

Like I said its a non issue, just a way a certain people go about doing there business. They must first reason with themselves that there is something here which is surprising and others are stopping them from doing, that itself seems part of the over all cycle of this thing. And yes these sort of things like everything else are cycles, most of which are predetermined from the get go, as that is the definition of a cycle.

So ya! What about do as thou wilt do people not understand? It just you know gets old when people come on here and constantly have and whine about the same old things over and over and over. Like a broken clock its just repeats itself, which is highly annoying though fascinating in a way. That is in the way watching somebody constantly run into a wall then start complaining and as soon as there done complaining they proceed to run headlong into the same wall, and the process repeats itself etc etc. After a time you see that they actually like running headfirst into wall, its what gets them off, what they seek, and what they need. Sort of like this whole thing going on with the op, or pretty much any other thread you would read on this relationship forum. Non issues.

reply to post by galadofwarthethird

Like I said to say that the op has not really thought this through is an understatement. But hey far for me to be a partypooper, he seems adamant about it. Besides its not like this is going no were were it has never been before a million times a million before, you know the kid just wants to but on a different label on it and a happy face, and to tell the truth there are many females out there who would be into it, just as there are dudes like him who are into it. So you know! Whatever. That is that.

I have thought it through numerous times, but I'm never good at expressing my opinions. You can see it in my post. I'm more on an extrovert who sees the big picture. I'm not talented in expressing myself in writing and bringing my opinion to life. I still disagree with your views on polyamory and open relationships. Of course there is confusion about it. But we must be rational.

And who knows maybe one day like Mormons and others he may want a few benefits as benefits the law for his special relationships, that and some tax breaks, or at least loopholes. But maybe really the real progress wold be when we start giving single people tax breaks and incentives. And as you likely know by now, the same things in this world and existence repeat themselves over and over, the only thing that is really different is there outlook and labels.

I think you're talking about someone else. I always pay my taxes and coming from California that cost you an arm and leg.

You mistake me bro, I literally do not care what anybody does, I may come of some ways online, but really its just because I care so much that this stuff may as well be a different language and come off in certain ways to see how people react. But beyond keeping things within face values for basic communication purposes and cataloging I could care less who the op sleeps with and what he calls it. In fact I am all about people doing what they want, as long as they keep the bull# on the down low. They can come up on this tread and say that there planing on marring there dog and some goats and I would be like. Oh ok! are the dog and goats ok with it?

I can agree with you it's non of our business what people do. But we should be able to offer criticism. Even directed at ourselves. I have already mentioned before I'm not interested in just sex. Sex is great, but I would love a polyamorist family.

And I will say the same thing if he came in here and wanted to have amorous affairs with a bunch of women and went on about it. I find this thing especially silly and kind of meaningless. There are many definitions of love, some people just seem to fall in love with a certain idea of falling in love and as the OP calls it having polymory relationships with many women.

Its the ting now a day, were as a few years ago different wordings was used. Like I said to each there own, like that is new or has been outlawed for these past thousands of years. The op whines that he comes from a place and is a product of were this is happening all the time and he blames monogamy that he or anybody around him is not doing it or practicing or keeping to there marriage vows. Bizarre no? I mean duh, off course there not doing it when they don't want to do it in the first place, or even really capable of it.

You have a very bizarre view of polyamory and relationships in general. It's obvious we're not on the same page when I think about polyamory when you view it as having affairs or swinging culture. Of course I come from a different walk of life from you and I have read up or watched videos from different sources. So it's understandable why we disagree.

Completely confused like I said. However its time these people started paying for there own stuff and upkeeping there own momentum and believes, even that is not there own it seems, but a product of the believes of others and society. Merely reactionary lifestyles and believes for reactionary beings. They are living the dream and constantly whine that they just have it so bad.

I am a young person and my emotions get the best of me sometimes. I'm a very rebellious person who likes to rebel. But I have to remember to play it smart. Life is great, but it's not perfect. I don't know who you are or how you live your life. But I'm very skeptical of society. How do people live, what they buy, etc. The list goes on and on. The way I grew up seeing people destroying their lives with drugs, consumerism, etc. I feel there is something more out there in life. I have always liked women and wanted to be in relationships at a young age. I learned a lot dating and feel I can have a happy life in polyamory style relationship.

Continued.

I don't know if my reply was posted. ATS is acting up this morning. Forgive me if there are weird post by me.

Continued:

Like I said its a non issue, just a way a certain people go about doing there business. They must first reason with themselves that there is something here which is surprising and others are stopping them from doing, that itself seems part of the over all cycle of this thing. And yes these sort of things like everything else are cycles, most of which are predetermined from the get go, as that is the definition of a cycle.

Even though I love attention. I have to realize a lot of people do not care. I do ask for your respect. But at least you're not going to hit me upside the head.

So ya! What about do as thou wilt do people not understand? It just you know gets old when people come on here and constantly have and whine about the same old things over and over and over. Like a broken clock its just repeats itself, which is highly annoying though fascinating in a way. That is in the way watching somebody constantly run into a wall then start complaining and as soon as there done complaining they proceed to run headlong into the same wall, and the process repeats itself etc etc. After a time you see that they actually like running headfirst into wall, its what gets them off, what they seek, and what they need. Sort of like this whole thing going on with the op, or pretty much any other thread you would read on this relationship forum. Non issues.

I'm not running into a wall. My OP was about myths relating to polyamory and like any other topic it goes all over the place. I understand people do not care what goes on in the bedrooms and what not. However, we should deny ignorance. I wished I would have expressed myself better earlier. Which I could presented my views in a much better way. But it is how it is. Learn from your mistakes. Hopefully I cleared up myself in my replies.

reply to post by Phoenix267

Like I said you seem adamant about this and there are other people just as adamant about this, some of them in this very thread supporting your view and agreeing some right on the dot on the same page in the things you both want, as in that druid42 person. So ya, I see no issue with this. Do as you will, maybe you two can get together and get freaky or whatever is done now a day and get on with the polymory thing. Like everything its just something people want and want to do and so they shall. That is all. I dont see what more there is to say on the matter.

What are we talking about again?

reply to post by galadofwarthethird


Of course I'm very dead set on this and it's my goal. But anyhow hopefully we can agree to respect each others opinions. Even though we disagree on a lot of matters.

reply to post by MarioOnTheFly


I'm a full fledged bisexual

But yes, gay, married, 4 kids.

~Tenth

My OP was about myths relating to polyamory and like any other topic it goes all over the place

My wife is bisexual, but likes being in a relationship with a man. As a guy, I can't really do much for that other side of her sexuality, but on rare occasions, we can involve another woman and she can explore that aspect, and of course, I'm not complaining either... It isn't often, and in real life, I don't advertise it (much as I'd want to), but enough to just have the experiences and be happy.

I do think that true polyamory does involve a dedicated couple though or even three or more people that are committed to each other. If not exclusive with those in the group, then really, it is just swinging in my opinion. Can't really see the difference there. Doesn't mean it's wrong. It just isn't polyamory in my opinion.

Personally, I wouldn't define what my wife and I do as polyamory either, as we there isn't an emotional involvement with the other participant. It's just for fun and friendly, not love.

reply to post by Phoenix267

Of course I'm very dead set on this and it's my goal. But anyhow hopefully we can agree to respect each others opinions. Even though we disagree on a lot of matters.

Do you have a current partner or partners who share this idea? Not sure if a guy or gal, but single guys have a difficult time getting into a polyamorous group, I'd imagine. (though pretty easy for single gals). I'd recommend you go on some forums for such folks, and try and go that route if you're serious. My wife and I aren't poly, but we do know folks who are, so we know a bit about the subculture.

I think the only type of Polyamory that works in the long term is when it is based on the fizzle and die model. What I mean by that is that you are sexually monogamous with one partner until the honeymoon period ends which at that point you both agree that you will remain close friends yet begin to date other people, possibly with limited sexual contact from time to time with original partner. The friendship aspect of the relationship remains but sex remains mostly monogamous to the new partner.

I remember reading about some woman that had two husbands(not legally, but still legitimate) and she basically had very little sex with the older of the two. The younger man served as the "spark" relationship, while both were friends and roommates.

Honestly, I wouldn't want my woman sleeping with anyone beside me. She is my best friend and I like the intimacy and monogamy, but each person is different.

reply to post by OrphanApology

I remember reading about some woman that had two husbands(not legally, but still legitimate) and she basically had very little sex with the older of the two. The younger man served as the "spark" relationship, while both were friends and roommates.

I actually know just such a group. They've been together for over 16 years or so. I don't profess to know the details of their sex life though, but they are all still together. She's married to one legally, but calls both husband.

Long term, I'm all about the couple. Anything else is just too much work. Hard enough to worry about one gal's feelings, let alone two or more....but, as occasional fun, can't complain.

I just keep finding more offbeat forums at ATS that I never knew existed...

I find the topic kind of interesting, more from a sociology/psychology perspective, than any desire personally I think. (Or perhaps I am sublimating the latter into the former.)

A novel I wrote recently has that as the general setting of the culture. No close-up focus on it, just a mention in passing, the culture has no restrictions on bonding as long as they're adult humans.

I think in terms of intimate relationships, there is a certain energetic factor in monogamy that has merit and worth. Of course, many things have merit, and we choose what's more important to us. There may be other factors that matter more, or that simply balance other important things.

I think I could probably adapt to some version of it, but probably only in one of two ways.

First, if it was just-sex. It would probably be only for him (my mate), not me, as I'm monogamous by default, this is more an issue of my inability to separate sex and love. Some people very much can, I very much can't, and I'm old enough to know that about myself.

Although I wouldn't really want this situation, if I truly loved a man I think I might agree to have most-not-all of him rather than none of him. I also think there are men (and sometimes women, but more rarely) who for whatever reason have a major separation between sex and love, and who find it extremely difficult to be monogamous. If I loved a man who was like that and I wanted us to have a relationship, I'd rather him sleep with someone I knew, and regularly, than be sleeping with women he didn't know on the fly or doing things secretly. The latter would destroy our relationship. The former would hurt me at first no matter how cool I acted, but I could probably adapt. I think over time if it became more clear I wasn't in danger of losing him to her, it would probably get easier.

The second would be if it were genuine love for both me and him with another person, who would probably have to be a man not a woman. That doesn't mean it would be sexual between them although I don't think I would really care about that either way (hmmn, might be fun, not sure. I am SO boring I've never been there). But it would have to be someone who lived with us and who was extremely close to both of us. I'm thinking like army-buddy-you-would-die-for kind of close between them. I couldn't do it otherwise and even that would probably take some very intentional work and adapting on everyone's part, I'm sure.

I don't think I could accept any other alternatives. It would be hard enough to accept either of those, and better the latter than the former since that at least involves me, but people are different and sometimes relationships just have to reflect that.

I sometimes think, with the few people I have known who have variations on poly relationships (and this is probably just the unique people I know), that what they are doing is actually sublimating a deep desire for "family" into their sexual relationships. Better to have familial relationships with your lovers than sexual relationships with your family LOL.