5 myths about polyamory debunked

I fully understand the meaning behind this thread and I would like to share some thoughts with you. There are far to many people on this planet for us to be sold on the "soul mate" factor. Most marriages/relationships, etc,. fall short because they met someone later on that were better matched for them.

I have considered and "alternative" to traditional relationships myself, but let me tell you why I have not done it yet. I know myself.

Plain and simple. I know that I still have the traditional tendencies and that frankly has to be removed before I decide to get into something, even if its just one person... imagine if there was more than one. I know that I am possessive, and jealous, and I know that until I leave those factors alone, I will do nothing more than face heartache, or hurt others as well.

There isnt one person that can say that they can love unconditionally, I mean they can try, or they can convince themselves, but we all have traits that someone will not like, but the question is can you get over it? Can you compromise? Many 2 person relationships cannot, and that is the cause of so many marriages failures.

If not for finding someone more compatible, then at lest one person deals with the other and frankly thats not fair. If you find love with a person/people, and it feels right for you, when entering into that you have to be just as aware of them as you are of you.

So, good luck, and hopefully over time, you will know what you want. Not because you gave up, or settled, but because you even went as far as opening your mind to all options, and even if you decide not to do this, you have given the person/people you may choose a better lover, friend, companion, because ultimately, you chose them, and they chose you.


Peace, NRE.

reply to post by NoRegretsEver


Thanks for the well thought out reply. It's understandable the idea of relationships of relationships are changing and what was consider taboo in the past is now progressive. Another user commented about his views and how he thought relationships changed while humanity evolved overtime. I even believe I linked an article about human monogamy. A lot of people are jealous. Which cause any relationship to be difficult. But a regular couple would have an happier time together because it's just the two of them.

Originally posted by abeverage

Originally posted by MarioOnTheFly

Originally posted by tothetenthpower
reply to post by Night Star

 

I just keep thinking where would my self esteem be if my partner needed someone else besides me?

See that's where my relationship works for me.

I'm a classic bisexual. I'm married to man, but I also very much enjoy the company of women.

Now my husband, simply can't, physically help me with those issues. So that's why we have the relationship we do. Now that doesn't mean I just go out and find women to sleep with every week or month, or even every year.

But I have the option if the opportunity and circumstances arise. Simply having that freedom, has created a lot of mental stability.

~Tenth

wow tenth...am pleasently surprised by your comments on this thread.

Also...I just realized...you're a woman

Yeah Tenth pulled that one on me awhile back to. It is hard to gender neutralize with Avatars! I mean who would know from looking at mine that I am a 40 something genetically altered hyper-intelligent typing canine!

WOOF!

He is a dude. Why do you think he's a female now?

Originally posted by Cuervo

Originally posted by abeverage

Originally posted by MarioOnTheFly

Originally posted by tothetenthpower
reply to post by Night Star

 

I just keep thinking where would my self esteem be if my partner needed someone else besides me?

See that's where my relationship works for me.

I'm a classic bisexual. I'm married to man, but I also very much enjoy the company of women.

Now my husband, simply can't, physically help me with those issues. So that's why we have the relationship we do. Now that doesn't mean I just go out and find women to sleep with every week or month, or even every year.

But I have the option if the opportunity and circumstances arise. Simply having that freedom, has created a lot of mental stability.

~Tenth

wow tenth...am pleasently surprised by your comments on this thread.

Also...I just realized...you're a woman

Yeah Tenth pulled that one on me awhile back to. It is hard to gender neutralize with Avatars! I mean who would know from looking at mine that I am a 40 something genetically altered hyper-intelligent typing canine!

WOOF!

He is a dude. Why do you think he's a female now?

Never said they weren't (were? Are or is..) The poster I replied to insinuated that, I meant Tenth said something similar I believe in another thread which tripped me up. Until I go around lifting up Dinosaur skirts I have learned to assume no gender. And amazingly don't really care, goes along with with color or race with me. Now character and attitude are completely different...

But you prove my point you never know who or what you are dealing with around here. I try hard not to fall for the Avatars or writing.

reply to post by MarioOnTheFly


Nope, I'm a man

reply to post by Phoenix267

Ya dude you are a bit confused on some things, but such is life you will see. And like LoneCloudHopper2 said. You should listen to owl, there said to be wise...Well most times, some of them, not so much on the wise part. I have seen some who just for no conceivable reason flew straight into a tree. But anyways most times owl are wise enough to not fly into trees. Which is more then I can say for humans.

But like I said to each there own, and to tell the truth I do not think a monogamous relationship is right for you anyways, and seeing as you don't want that, there really is nothing to talk about but labels and semantics. Though you should ask your girlfriend first on what she thinks about all this before you go and do anything untold. Whoever I am sure she or whoever you get with will come around, or whatever, or not, or who cares. And like I said people will do what they want anyways. And so this like the majority of things and threads in this relationship forum, this is another complete non issue.

reply to post by galadofwarthethird

Yes, I'm confused. I'm still young and have my whole future ahead of me. It's just the way I think and act is influenced by where I come from and I would like a better alternative. The links and books I have able I would check into whatever information I could find and come to a better conclusion. In my mind I can imagine living this life; I just need to research more to see if it's truly for me.

reply to post by Phoenix267


Just try to remember that reading these links and books should be solely for reference, doing it, is something entirely different. If you decide to try this out, may I suggest being open and honest up front about your inexperience, so that its understood.

Peace, NRE

reply to post by NoRegretsEver


No problem! In every relationship; not just dating, you should always be open about who you are and discuss what's on your mind.

Not for me, but I'm a jealous bastard and know it. If I were actually in love I wouldn't want her to feel jealous either. Even if a girl I was dating had me completely convinced she wouldn't mind me having side relationships, if I really cared about her I wouldn't do it. And not out of any moral obligation, I just wouldn't be in to it.

That being said IDGAF what other people get up to. I think being in a relationship with one person is kind of a pain in the ass (don't pun) as it is, I can't imagine trying to deal with more than one, even if it was just about sex (I never get to have relationships that are just about sex sadface). If you can pull it off more power to you and I'm sure you're having a much better sex life than me. High five.

Believe me different strokes for different folks, I am almost 100% sure my true love is somewhere on ATS, because I know that if he isnt a member I cant deal

At least this way we will know just how crazy we really are. I would never have this type of conversation IRL. Im outcasted as it is. So if you find happiness, enjoy it, love who you want, and as long as your happy, no one else should matter


Peace, NRE.

While I admit that I am taking a tremendous chance, facing the scorn of galadofwarthethird, and the disgust of Phoenix267, I'd like to risk another comment.

If I understand the OP, his plan is to have several women bonded to him in some deep, loving, powerful way, without the complications and restrictions of marriage, but with everybody knowing all about everybody else. I'd like to explore this from two practical angles, without humor. Let us suppose, for it is reasonable, that beckybecky finds four women which satisfy his requirements.

At some point in his life he will have a crisis, perhaps losing a job, perhaps a motor vehicle accident, perhaps even an extraordinarily difficult personal situation. Does he choose his favorite to help him through? If so, it will take no time at all for the other three to realize they are "junior partners," being left out of the important things. The result? Not good, i would expect.

Perhaps he treats them equally. Does he invite all four to his hospital room to nurse him through a surgery? Does he take all four to the concert, or on a trip to Europe? Does he suffer through four Thanksgiving dinners at the families of Anne, Barbara, Cherise, and Debbie? This appears unworkable also.

So, he treats them equally by dividing his joys, sorrows, and problems equally. He might be in bed with Anne, and a terrible worry might strike his mind. Is it time to check his list and say "Sorry, Anne, I've already given you your share of my concerns for the month, I have to wait for Cherise, it's her turn." Ridiculous, true. But so is the idea of dividing attention, confidences, tenderness, problems and strife, equally four ways.

And now to my second problem. There is no reason to assume that Anne, Barbara, Cherise and Debbie, don't have four men of their own. They also have careers and their own plans. Why suspect that they will be available when wanted? It may very well happen that the OP will get a portion of the attention of the four women, and it may not be a big portion at all.

When they leave, and they inevitably will, probably one at a time, will there be a big sense of loss, of tragedy? If there isn't that's a fairly good sign they didn't mean all that much in the first place. So much for the deep, loving powerful bond. (And just who gets the kids?)

Theoretically, Ok, fine. You do what you want, everybody does what they want. Build a society that way. But does it work? Is it stable, is it good for the kids, for the women, for you?

With respect,
Charles1952

reply to post by charles1952



Those are interesting hypnotist. However, there are so many different types of polyamorist relationships that each family is different in how they love, treat another, etc. I understand jealousy is a big part because of our human nature. But I can envision that different people can live that lifestyle. What we need to ask is how things like sex, space, and what not plays a role. Look at the economy and how many people will be crammed into one compact home.

Does that mean everyone in a polyamorist relationship will face this? No! But I agree it's something to think about and how any relationship can have a winning play.

reply to post by charles1952


Thanks for the thoughtful posts, Charles.

In response to your last one...just think of the added stalking burden when members of his harem go a strayin'.

Just saying.

# 45

reply to post by TheWhiteKnight


Did you just call me a cult leader?
I think you mistaking me and my views on life.

reply to post by Phoenix267


I didn't mean you, per se. Just polys in general. I used to get this all the time. Now, I'm a lesbian.

Koresh had a mystique all his own. He didn't use websites to troll for hook ups, and he was taken out by the big G. It was wrong to confuse his mission with mere swinging. They'd never take out a type ENTJ 8w7 Type One, especially a fighter who swings.

There's no way jealousy and other rages won't surface. Don't do anything 'not too bright'. That will definitely not add anything to all the fun. Besides, I think Koresh had something on the ball. I know your type...its all wrapped up in your avatar. Maybe you can use it in court?

# 46

reply to post by TheWhiteKnight


Well, I would have to respectfully disagree. I'm like many people there are similarities and differences. I understand a lot of people are critical of polyamory and similar relationships for whatever reason. What we need is respect though. That's good.

reply to post by Phoenix267


Hey I'm hip. I'm not happy unless I have three soul sisters in my head, or in my bed, at a time. I get it, I do.

Speaking of 'fighters', most of the time, I have to fight hard just to get my brain to work. I crave it.

I'm just wary of men, is all. Just tell them 'NO', even once, and they go all out of control.

Good golly...one guy was like a race stud. Once I said 'can we stop now...' and he was like 'WHAT'.

Then his body stopped moving. At all. Even his breathing seemed to pause.
He just stayed there, dead still and silent, cradling me, until he was finished.

'WHAT' looks really strange in caps...as in is it even a word?
It sounds even stranger when there's no question mark behind it.

Then he said he'd never lay with me again. That was ominous.

I tried many things to get him to come back. I don't know why I said it...

It was the first time I became frightened by the sound of trousers, and a belt, being put on, instead of removed.

# 47

reply to post by TheWhiteKnight


Human sexuality is weird. We do not only have sex to reproduce, but to have pleasure as well. I wonder what would happen if humans only had sex to reproduce. How different we would be like. Weird night. Must be all the V8.

reply to post by TheWhiteKnight


A lot of men are pigs and a lot of women allow them to do that. I hate sexism and the oversexed culture. Don't get me wrong; I like sex. But we must control ourselves.